[FFML] Avenging Act IV Chapter 6

[Gary Kleppe]

> Any and all C+C appreciated. You can contact me at:
>
> [sommert ]

Oopsie.


> All the previous chapters and my other works are stored at:
>
> At :

Oops again. Always remember to turn off HTML formatting and put in URLs,
emails, etc. as plain text.


> Here's a great reference guide for many character and objects in the  
> Marvel Universe.
>
> .

And again.


> Giant Man laughed just as long and hard. Normally he abhorred attending
> these meetings, dressed like a gaudy clown and forcing himself to listen
> to his erstwhile teammates' inane banter

Aren't they *still* his teammates?


> girlfriend back in high school. And even though Kyoko had said it was
> because Tofu was a 'boring, dull, tedious, mind-numbing (she had a weird
> addiction to reading a thesaurus every day) boyfriend, Tofu knew it was

Missing an end ', probably after "boyfriend".


> really because Ryoto could juggle that she left him.
>
> "I am an exciting man!" Giant Man insisted.
>
> "You sure are, sir." Sasuke had been a manservant long enough to
> recognize when an employer was seeking that bit of moral support from an
> outside source.

Besides which, compared to him, just about anybody with a pulse would be
exciting.


> "How did building get across street?"
>
> "I don't know." Giant Man took another belt.
>
> "Because Hulk threw it. Hahahaha!"

Good one, Hulk.

HULK: Knock knock.

JARVISUKE: Who's there?

HULK: Hulk.

JARVISUKE: Er... Hulk who?

HULK: Hulk SMASH:

JARVISUKE: Ha ha! Good one!


> "And so I told them, 'The Fate of Midgard Hangs in the balance.' And they
> believed me." Thor laughed raucously with Raiden, Adad, and Chaak and took
> another belt of mead so deep that it would have met with Hercules approval.

Hercules'

or

Hercules's


> It had been a long time since a gathering of weather gods got together to
> party.

RAIDEN: That's true. Didn't we have a picnic scheduled last year? What
happened with that?

CHAAK: Cancelled due to rain.

RAIDEN: Oh yeah, right.


> remaining members of the team. "As you know. Shiro Yoshida, was stopped by
> us from engaging in continued mass murder. Since he was attacking foreign
> embassies at the time, this has left the country in a quandary. He created
> a massive international incident and a lot of people want him, especially
> the Genoshans, who literally want his head. But since there's a very strong
> push by the ruling government for abolishing the death penalty altogether,

It's that new superhero, Captan Exposition!


> Bucky raised her hand. "Is 'containment facility,' a fancy way of saying
> prison?"

Lose the comma after "facility," and you may want to consider putting
"prison" in single quotes.


> "You mean if things go as they normally do." Giant Man corrected. He should

do,"

> "GCs'. Quit using racist terms or I'll have your intolerance reported."

Remove spurious '.


> He was never riding with this idiot again. "What does 'GC' even mean?"

YOSHIDA: Garbage collector.

SUGIMOTO: Hey, that was my old job.


> "Don't be stupid. It's gender insensitive to GC's who identify as male but

Probably should either be GCs or 'GC's. Apostrophes indicate either
possessive nouns or contracted/omitted content, neither of which seems the
case here. Look for the same below.

Yoshi's rather interpretive view of GC politics is amusing, though I think
it goes on too long, and Sugi's reaction is maybe a bit too spot-on. The
readers can probably figure out for themselves how warped Yos' views are.


> Sugimoto was spared a choice when a man in silver-colored samurai armor
> stood in the middle of the street, sword drawn. Flanking him on  
> either side were two pairs of people in garb reminiscent of police  
> from about 200 years

Suggest: from about two hundred
(words scan better than numerals; look for more of this below)

ago.


> That was bad. But he was committed to this game of chicken with someone
> that he hoped couldn't Ginsu an armored car or was ram proof.

ram-proof (I think)


> "Let's shout *and* leap," Giant Man hit the open door button and leapt out.

> Everyone looked in disbelief at where their large companion had been a
> moment before. "When did he become a man of action?" Daredevil asked.

About three bottles ago.


> As he neared the ground, or more specifically several of the swordsmen's'

swordsmen's


> It turned out her precaution was justified as the blue haired guy pointed

blue-haired

> his sword at her. She brought her shield up even as a beam shot from it.
> Immediately she felt the shield grow heavy. Gravity weapon? She saw ice
> creep over the edge. That was bad. She hated cold powered villains.

cold-powered


> She was about to drop it, and hope she could avoid the beam, when the red
> haired one called out, "M! Get the big guy."

red-haired (which female Ranma isn't actually, by the way; oh well, this is
a fusion)


> was kind of nice to see he wasn't such a dork, as he usually behaved.

That's a bit clumsy. Suggest:

wasn't the dork that he usually behaved like

(or)

wasn't as much of a dork as he usually seemed

(or something)


> Iron Rose watched on as the others engaged what she perceived as minions.
> She was going after their leader who, in armor, was a natural foe.  
> She would pit her brilliant genius against some low rent, low tech,  
> back alley

low-rent, low-tech, back-alley

> Radio Shack contraption any day.

Do they have Radio Shacks in Japan? It's a good expression of her attitude
though.


> The ice guy was starting to get to his feet when a loud voice bellowed,
> "Incoming!" And half an armored card flew overhead. It was aimed so that it

armored car (I think you mean)

BULLSEYE: It's me. In my hands, even the three of hearts is a deadly
weapon.


> On a viewing monitor, a scowl crossed the features of a man.
>
> "Looks like this was a bust," the woman next to him said.

LESLIE NIELSEN: Yes, it's very impressive. But we just want to ask a few
questions.


> "Indeed." He pushed a button while the woman said into a communicator,
> "Pull out, my samurai.

*AHEM* Better not comment on this one....


> "Teleportation." Iron Rose cursed. That was not an ability the sword had.
> She had wanted to capture him and find out how he had gotten the weapon\

Remove spurious backslash.


> Electricity filled the air with smoked flesh. The vortex user appeared to
> suck in on herself, while the remaining man simply blew into bits.
> Splattering everyone, even the unconscious Daredevil.

Suggest: bits, splattering
(I'm not terribly opposed to sentence fragments when they work dramatically
but I don't think this one does.)


> "They were too incompetent to use, and knew too much to live. I would just
> as soon not let the world know that reports of my demise were premature
> until I'm ready to make my move." He sighed. "Apparently using long range

long-range

MANTIS: Oh great creator, this one humbly asks that you help my companion
to learn mercy...

COMPANION: Oh, right. A praying Mantis.


> -------------- next part --------------
> An HTML attachment was scrubbed...

All together now: TURN OFF HTML FORMATTING IN YOUR EMAIL CLIENT.

Overall it's a good installment, with comedy balanced by action. Try not to
overuse the trademark double acts. They're funny, but too much of a good
thing can drag. Looking forward to learning more about the mystery villain.