[FFML] [C&C] Hearts and Minds, 8-9

[Mythril Moth]

Sorry it's late, I keep distracting myself with other things. ^^;;


First, I'll address my biggest complaint about HaM, which is a personal pet 
peeve of mine in fanfiction: attempting to "legitimize" the names of Chinese 
characters from the series/original characters with the same naming themes. 
Takahashi was punning off English and coming up with credible Chinese 
interpretations of the names as an afterthought, so the best thing a writer 
can do is just stick to what Takahashi did. But every writer has their own 
style, and far be it from me to tell any writer YOU MUST CHANGE THIS OR 
DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!! It's just a pet peeve.

Secondly, forgive me if some of my comments are disjointed/confused. While I 
did recently reread the entire series to date, that was several months ago. 
My mind may be fuzzy on certain details.

Now, specific comments...

=Chapter 8=

> "No problem, sport."
> "I'm glad to hear that, chum,"

What the hell? Why is Plum talking like a bad 50s stereotype?

> "Yeah. A woman." He smiled to himself at the thought. "Sugar and
> spice, all that is nice. And what's even better is that when I become a
> woman, I'll be a lesbian. Their relationships are always tender,
> loving--"

> "Yeah." Pu Lanmu snorted. "I've seen the same animes you
> probably have.

*facehoof*

There are, incidentally, all kinds of things wrong with this interpretation 
of Tsubasa, but after a year on FiMFiction I'm tired of fighting the 
"randomly comes out" fight, so I'll let it slide. Suffice to say that 
Tsubasa's ultimate goal of being a lesbian here is awkward and difficult to 
accept at best.

>"Look, champ, you can go creeping around the springs at night if
> you wanna,"

WHY is Plum TALKING LIKE THIS?! Seriously, WHAT is up with this?!

> Amar smiled, and looked at Kuno. "It mystifies me that a people
> would let the fairer gender engage in fighting to such a degree."

> "Tatewaki is perfectly qualified in combat," Ti Pi said. "I'd
> put him up against most any of our junior warriors."

Hah!

> "How long are you going to keep us held up at gunpoint?" she said,
> a little louder than usual so that you-know-who would hear it.

That little narrative break right there is awkward. Suggest replacing 
"you-know-who" with "the duck". Or "Mousse" (or whatever spelling of his 
name tickles your fancy).

The whole Dominique thing was...very, very random.

>  "I don't know," Nabiki said. "You tell me. Did you sell us out, Akane?"

WOW. Nabiki can't SERIOUSLY think this...

=Chapter 9=

> Had they been at the scene, they might have heard a voice call from
> within the tank.

> "Charge!"

Heh!

> If that was to be her fate, then so be it. Had she known from
> the beginning, it would have made no difference. She would do what was
> required. When the time came, she would play the part that had been
> written for her, and play it with aplomb.

> But until then, just for now, she would do something for
> herself, and for the one who'd been waiting for her for so many years.

PITY FUCK!

And as usual, a juicy cliffhanger ending.

All in all, two excellent chapters, apart from the things I noted above. 
Looking forward to the finale!


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Mythril Moth
www.mythrilmoth.net