[FFML] [Ranma][Revised] Hearts and Minds, Part 3 of 10

[Gary Kleppe]

On 07/11/2013 11:34 PM, Michael Clark wrote:

> So, what exactly happens in this first scene with Kodachi?  She has
> guests, but who?


Not actually guests, but what she calls her own pets. This is 
intentionally mysterious now but all will be revealed in a later chapter.


> Lan does a good job of not helping Huang without being too overtly
> unhelpful.


Yes, she's good at that.


> Kasumi's technique has really quickly turned all our cursed martial
> artists into people with much greater capabilities.  I like that you
> only showed Mousse's experience with this and left the others off-screen
> to avoid being repetitive, but I also feel like it may have come as a
> surprise what Kasumi could do, which in turn makes these new
> capabilities seem a bit convenient.


Point noted. I think everybody still has his or her share of 
difficulties to overcome, but I'll definitely be interested to hear what 
you think of this as the story progresses.


> I feel like your scenes tend to start rather suddenly.  Before I even
> know there's a bus, Ranma's getting on it.  The journey is glossed over,
> and we're off the bus with the beginning of the next scene.  The journey
> seems like a good opportunity for someone to think about things, though
> you do a good deal of this at camp.  I suppose what's going by the bus
> windows isn't that important.


This may be a weakness of mine; I tend to want to get to the meat of a 
scene so much that I end up skimping on setting and such. I'll think 
about adding a little more here and consider doing it in other places as 
well. This is why it's so valuable to have the perspective of a reader 
and I thank you for providing it.


> Keema swoops in and gives the group some intelligence about the Amazon
> village.  Why is she involved, and why is she disposed to help the
> Amazons in the first place?


At first she isn't, and is only investigating out of curiosity and to 
see if there might be some threat to her own people. Shan Pu got her to 
agree to help in exchange for a promise of mutual assistance if and when 
it would be needed.


> It's good to see things moving along with the Amazon front.  It feels
> like we've been journeying with Ranma and co. for a while.
>
> Your use of short scenes rapidly moving from one person to another again
> suits your approach to storytelling.  Everyone has a time and place
> where their perspective is most useful, and then you move on.  This
> allows you to characterize and develop characters in bits and pieces,
> emphasizing the ensemble nature of your story.  I like that you've made
> this work without the resulting scenes feeling rushed.


Thanks. One of my goals for this series was to do some sort of 
interesting character development with each one of the supporting 
characters.


> Ranma's quick thinking with his video game cover conversation is quite
> clever.


I like it when dialog means more than one thing at a time. :)


> There's a lot of good depth for characters here: Akane's "spirit of
> Jusenkyo" thought and Shampoo's reflection on nighttime fighting
> tournaments.  It really adds to the atmosphere.
>
>> [...] would say to each other if they did. She still resented Mother
>> for trying to keep her from taking the Amazon initiation ritual.[...]
>
> Is this a reference to a prelude, or something else?  If not, it has me
> thinking "what initiation ritual?".


Not the Preludes. The whole conflict between Shamps and her mom was the 
subject of a side story "A Different Faith" which was also my submission 
to a multi-author project. I'll see if I can rework this bit so that it 
isn't so jarring.


> Shampoo's staring at the moon gives insight into her current feelings,
> but I remain somewhat unclear as to what end this exploration drives
> toward.


Partly it's that she hasn't yet completely come to terms with the loss 
of Cologne. Then there are her feelings toward both Mousse and Tatewaki. 
She has to decide how far she wants her relationship with the latter to go.


>> "Ranma, what you mean no killing?"
>
> But that's not what he said; he just found it unexpected (at least, up
> to the point where Shampoo says this).  Further, it seems entirely
> reasonable for Ranma to call Kodachi out over this.  They're taking
> prisoners.  They want intelligence.  Being reckless jeopardizes all of
> them, even if it's a death that Shampoo wouldn't consider regrettable.
>
> While Shampoo's strong reaction is understandable, I feel like Ranma
> gets the short end of this argument.  Perhaps that's intentional; he's
> not arguing from a well-thought-out position but just from his gut, so
> it's not unreasonable that he fail to articulate his feelings in the
> most efficient and most logical way.


True, this is all new territory for Ranma. He's used to having opponents 
but not really enemies.


> I definitely like Shampoo's dramatic description of seeing her fellow
> Amazons held by the soldiers.  I think you capture her feelings on this
> matter quite well.
>
>
> Ranma seems a touch more restrained in this chapter; he doesn't pick a
> fight with Kodachi, instead focusing on the matter at hand.


Well, he's tired of getting his butt kicked. :)


> The story is still in a somewhat early stage, so in some ways, we're
> still seeing characters established--especially with such a large cast
> actively involved.  I think Shampoo got quite a lot of the
> characterization in this chapter, with Ranma in second place.
> Characters like Gosunkugi and Nabiki add flavor but otherwise play
> mainly functional roles.


The focus will shift around, with hopefully everybody getting a share of 
the spotlight before it's over.


>> Ranma turned his eyes away, ignoring her. Akane seethed with rage. Her
>> husband was becoming more and more obsessed with another woman. She
>> was jealous; not only because Kodachi was getting so much attention
>> from Ranma, but because she was better at fighting. Because despite
>> all of the training Akane had put herself through, she had been so
>> completely surpassed by Kodachi.
>
> You do this from time to time, describing multiple characters' reactions
> in very close proximity.  It does feel a little dizzying.


I'll look through for places it can be cut down.


>> "Yeah. You gotta practice to get good at it. I played a lot back when
>> I was pregnant." Oops, Ranma thought. Shouldn't have mentioned that.
>> He prayed to any powers that might be that Kodachi hadn't been
>> listening. "Anyway, it's a great game. The only thing I don't like is
>> that you can't change the teams. Hikaru always insists on being the
>> Killer Claw, which means I'm stuck with Lady Onyx."
>
> I'm afraid I don't understand this pregnancy gag at all.


Not really a gag as such. Just that Ranma didn't want to mention his 
pregnancy (which was the subject of his own Prelude) around Kodachi 
because she would tease him about it. And she did.


>> And so Shan Pu, being first on watch, sat on the grass inside the
>> circle of tents, staring into the vast darkness.
>
> Is there really much grass in this area?  I know the region tends toward
> desolate.


Probably just isolated clumps. I'll change it.


>> He sighed again. Maybe Kodachi didn't have a secret. After all, with
>> something like five trillion people in the world, what right did he
>> have to expect to be number one his whole life? Maybe she was just
>> better.
>
> Trillion?  Heh, Ranma doesn't really have a good sense of orders of
> magnitude, does he.


Nah, he's a big-picture kind of guy.


> I admit, this story hasn't really clicked into place for me yet, in part
> because I still have no idea what many of these characters aim to do in
> the long run.  The Mongol occupation is still just an obstacle to be
> overcome, for instance.  You have, effectively, downplayed the nature of
> the conflict in favor of the conflict itself, and for that reason, I
> still can't quite put my finger on the thematic intent of the piece.
> But, perhaps this is something that will become clearer later,
> particularly as we learn more about the intentions of the enemy.


You'll know who the General is a couple of chapters from now, and by the 
end of the series you should certainly have a good idea of what he wants 
and who put him up to what he's doing. Whether this will completely 
answer these issues, I'm frankly not sure, and I hope you'll let me know 
when the time comes.

Thanks once again!