[FFML] [Haruhi] (title witheld)

[miashara at deepfriedpuppies.com]

Quoting Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com>:

>      [Title witheld]
>
> 	Prologue: In which a plan is decided upon.
>
> 	---------------------------------
>      Every story has a begining, but it's hard to look for the start
> of this one.  I could say it started when I met her.  I could say it
> started when she rewrote the world.  Or, I suppose, I could say that
> it started four years ago, when everything came into alignment.

<snip>

>      So, why don't we go to the point where I stopped reacting?  Let's
> call that the begining, even though it isn't, really.

beginning

Not sure why you had the part before, if even the narrator recognizes  
it isn't material to the events at hand.

It took me a few read throughs to pinpoint where you switch from past  
to present tense. That line above, "...stopped reacting..." puts the  
point in the past, yet you narrative it present. If you want the  
present, hey, rock on, but the starting segment leaves the nature of  
the tense change somewhat confusing.

>      Yuki-chan, unpreturbed, merely flips to the next page in her
> book.  Today it's 'Interface'.

unperturbed

> realizing it.  Other mediums would undoubtedly offer other, equally
> annoying and transparent devices to destroy my plan, or make things
> unneccesarily difficult.

unnecessarily

>      "Or the train car, which I'm sure is either a crime scene we
> can't access, or already moving who-knows-where across Japan."
>
>      Mikuru blinks at this, her face paling.  "Y...you think ... a car
> that someone had died in....  I mean, when I get on the train
> myself...."  She looks faint, with the cards only half-dealt, her
> hands trembling.  "Ooooh," she groans, sinking in her chair.

Lady, don't go to New York. Or Tokyo. Or ever ride a subway again.

>      "'Just read the news'," I say sighing.  "Information analysis and
> logic can carry us a good distance, can reveal facts that a casual
> glance could overlook.  Going in head first would allow anyone with
> something to hide to know that we were people to hide things from."

I find his logic fallacious.

>      It probably doesn't take a genius to understand anyway, but....  
>   So begins:
>
>      The Courtship of Suzumiya Haruhi

But then, it doesn't need to be correct. Only his argument must work,  
and it seems to do that.

Anyway, you clearly intended to write this as an informal monologue.  
Little jarring at points, but I also wasn't really expecting it. The  
fic is short enough that doesn't pose any real problems.

What I am kind of curious about was whether you intended to have any  
conflict beyond Kyon suckering Haruhi into walking him home. The scene  
seemed set up for a intense social battle, but that never arose. Of  
course if it was just a one gag idea, that's probably for the better.

Anyway, good read. Thanks.