[FFML] [Mai Hime, Future] The Summer of Her Discontent--It Was a Beautiful Dream

[John Biles]

On Sat, Jul 25, 2009 at 9:33 AM, Bert Miller <hkmiller at theeddy.com> wrote:

> C&C on part 2.  Again, a very enjoyable read; I am still on the edge of my
> seat waiting to see what will happen to these characters.  Plus there are
> some substantial plot developments here.


Thanks for the feedback.

>
>
> After one read-through, my general sense is that this part had fewer bits
> with easy fixes than part 1, which is good, but that there are also a few
> bits which would benefit from not-so-easy additional work:  for instance,
> while I was impressed that you tried first-person POVs with some very
> difficult characters in this part, I don't think you were wholly successful
> with some of these.
>

That's why this a draft, so I can fix stuff. :)



>
> John Biles wrote:
>
>> Koyabishi-san and then Ota-san wanted to join us and the table was too
>> small
>> and we had to pull up another one and then I could see Iwao-san glaring at
>> us from a distance, probably because his friends were all sitting with
>> people he doesn't like.
>>
>>
> Heh.  Nice that the cousins' circle is opening up.


As noted by Crystal way back in the very first story, they've often been
rather insular.  It's similar to what Jinnai noted with Akane and
Kazuya--there's an inner circle of people who know everything with whom they
can be fully themselves and people on the outside.

But now the inside is getting bigger, in part because they've connected
themselves to another group which is fairly close knit (Hayao, Sanae, Mandi)


>
>  looked good on her.  She's a really good girlfriend for Shun.  He needs
>> someone to keep him in line and she's good at that.
>>
>>
> Early instance of Kasumi being judgmental.


Yep

>
>
>     "I wouldn't...I only have eyes for Shun...It's not that impressive a
>> butt, anyway."
>>
>>
> This confused me; when did Kagami ever see Reito?  Reito missed the Road
> Trip, didn't he?  It seems like the referred-to butt is shifting back and
> forth from Reito to Chie or something here.


She had a long scene with him in one of the abandoned drafts, that's where.
^^;;

Time to fix.


>
>     "So you are Houseki Gin," Uncle Reito said.  Aunt Alyssa was with him,
>> wearing a business suit.  I wondered why she was following him around like
>> a
>> personal assistant.  And what everyone thought of a woman as tall as her.
>> Tall for Japan, that is.  She's still a lot shorter than Uncle Reito, but
>> she's taller even than Aunt Shizuru.
>>
>>
> In "Sword of the Lord", Nao reflected that Alyssa is "still pretty short,
> even as an adult".  However, I find I like the idea that she's tall; I
> remember thinking that particular detail odd in SOTL on first reading.  I
> can only suggest you revise that detail in SOTL (shrug).


That bit = John not actually thinking about the fact that Alyssa isn't
Japanese and thus even if she's only middling by American standards, she
won't be short by Japanese ones.



>
>  select me one, but I think it would be more interesting with someone I'd
>> like to know better if you're going to be dating my dear little neice."
>>
>>
> (SP) You have multiple instances of misspelling "niece".


i before e except after c, yes.  AAAAAAAAA

>
>
>     "You're not secretly her father who is going to kill me now, right?"
>> Gin
>> asked a little warily.
>>
>>    That's kind of paranoid, isn't it?
>>
> Yes, but Gin has pretty good reason.


Heh.

>
>
>     "So what brings you here, Aunt Alyssa?" Crystal asked her.
>>
>>    "I have come to pass holy judgement on Natasha's boyfriend, since he
>> didn't come to Fuuka," she said, looking up from the ground.
>>
>>
> Heh for the first part.  But even on second reading, I can't make heads nor
> tails of that last clause.  Why is Alyssa on the ground?


Actually, it's supposed to indicate she was staring at the ground after
Reito's line about making errors with the passions of youth.



>
>
>     "Apparently, she's been showing a huge amount of improvement at track
>> and someone got paranoid," Aoi said.  "Which could just be someone being
>> resentful, or it could be a sign she's a Hime."
>>
>>
> Aoi is confusing two different issues.  Kasumi showing a huge increase in
> speed can not be due to "someone being resentful".  Suggest "she's being
> showing a huge amount of improvement at track, which her coach is at a loss
> to explain.  This could be a sign she's a Hime."


I changed it to:

 "Apparently, she's been showing a huge amount of improvement at track and
someone got paranoid and called for a drug test," Aoi said.  "This could be
a sign she's a Hime, but I don't know enough about running to judge for
myself.  But her coach doesn't know how she improved so much and so
quickly."

>
>
>     And when would she have been fighting monsters?  Unless it just
>> appeared...but that doesn't seem to match us.
>>
>>
> "That doesn't seem to match us" bothers me a bit.  First, it could stand
> extra qualification; I had to read it a few times to decide what I think it
> means:  "match the way we first manifested our powers."
> Second, I'm not sure my interpretation matches the series:  Mai started to
> manifest before she saw any monsters; Nagi summoned the orphan to force Mai
> to finish manifesting, by acquiring her Child.  Kasumi running fast is just
> an indicator of beginning to manifest; it's not evidence that she has a
> Child.
>
> Suggest being more general:  "And what could have prompted her to begin to
> manifest Hime powers?  She hasn't mentioned being near any real fighting, or
> in any danger."


 Sounds good.

>
>
>  Gin's Tale:
>>
>>    I keep wondering if this is some kind of test by Natasha's family to
>> see
>> when exactly they can break me or if it's just a coincidence that every
>> time
>> I meet one of her family members they want to kill me.
>>
>>    It was pretty clear Alyssa was looking for any excuse to set me on
>> fire.  I didn't even mention she was hot, which she is, or anything.  She
>> just looked at me and knew I was thinking that, somehow.  Shouldn't people
>> feel complimented by that?
>>
>>
> Heh.  No, not always.  I think your execution of Gin's POV was good and
> amusing.  He comes across as largely an asshole (though a curable one), but
> he probably should, given that most of your characters except Natasha think
> that's what he is.
>
Heh, yes.


>
>     Natasha's always happy when I tell her she's hot, anyway.
>>
>>    "Okay, here's the gardens where your neice Crystal and your nephew Shun
>> and Shun's woman, Kagami, work every day.  Well some of the gardens," I
>> said
>>
>>
> "and Shun's woman"?  Oh, boy, I wouldn't think much of this guy either.


Heh :0


>
>
>     "He lets you call him Kaiji?" Alyssa asked me as if accusing me of
>> stabbing sensei in the heart and leaving him in the desert to die.
>>
>>    "Yes," I said.  Mainly 'cause he gave up trying to stop me after the
>> fiftieth or so time.
>>
>>
> Yep.  I'd have a hard time tolerating this guy.  He's a hard case.


Heh.

>
>
>     Reito studied the gardens.  "They seem to be doing a great job."
>>
>>    "Oh, I expect Kagami makes sure they do everything over and over until
>> they get it right.  She's like that," I said.  "Here, come this way."
>>
>>
> Gin supposedly knows botany.  He should be able to tell that Kagami doesn't
> know when gardening is done right, and that Sakomizu-sensei does.  He's
> allowing his opinion of Kagami's judgemental nature to override his good
> sense here.  If referring to a teacher by his first name wasn't enough, now
> he's slighting that teacher's abilities as well.
>
> Showing us Gin that knows his botany was very well done.


Thanks.  This isn't actually supposed to be him saying Kagami is a bungler,
per se, though.  It's him commenting on Kagami being someone who achieves
things by hard work and won't let sloppy work get past her, not a slap at
Sakomizu-sensei's skills.  Lemme try rewriting that:

"Shun and Crystal can both be kind of lazy about things, but Kagami's the
sort of person who doesn't stop until everything's been done right, so I'm
not surprised.  Also, Kagami's in Ring Club, and I think they normally help
take care of the gardens and the greenhouse," I told him.  "We have a really
nice greenhouse.  Let me show you."



>
>     Alyssa had a weirdly sentimental look which seemed rather unnatural on
>> her to me. Then she became more serious looking.  "I am a nun.  I am
>> married
>> to God.  Or at least, that's how it would be seen in Japan."
>>
>>    "Which god?" I asked.
>>
>>    She thrust a cross in my face which was hanging from a silver chain
>> around her throat.  "THE God," she said firmly.
>>
>>    "This is a god?  I thought this was a European monk's staff," I told
>> her.  I'm kind of vague on religion in general but especially Western
>> ones.
>> And I'm pretty sure she's from Europe or maybe the US.
>>
>>
> Heh.  Total ignorance of religion.  (Again with a "the US"; suggest "maybe
> America".)


Righto.

>
>
>     Reito stepped between us.  "Most people in Japan do not understand your
>> faith like I do, Alyssa."
>>
> True, but Gin's level of ignorance strikes me as exceptional.  For
> instance:  the very first episode of Kamikaze Keito Jeanne pretty much
> presupposes that the viewer will understand the concept of "one God", but
> then ventures deeper into completely non-Western theology in trying to
> explain why the Devil's plan to infect paintings with evil poses a threat,
> not just to humanity, but even to God's own existence.  The logic used
> implies that the "one God" is part and parcel of the rest of creation, and
> as creation goes, so goes God.  And, of course, you're familiar with nuns
> hearing confession in "Mai Hime", and junior-high apprentice nuns, in habit
> yet, hearing confession in "Kaito Saint Tail": the surface is familiar, but
> the details are wrong.


Yep.  So I ran with mutant Catholicism for this story continuity :)

>
>
> So my expectation for "most Japanese" is that they'd easily get, or already
> know, superficial ideas like monotheism, but that there is still plenty of
> room for Reito to have a better understanding than "most".
>
> Not sure that I'd change anything much:  Gin is very plausible in his
> unusual ignorance.  But Reito, at least, (but not necessarily Alyssa) should
> understand from Gin's confusion that he is unusually ignorant on the subject
> of religion.


Okay.  It's never very clear how much Japanese people know.  Some shows
depict Catholicism reasonably well, others pretty clear view 'Nun = Miko but
in black'



>
>
>     It would help if her family wasn't gorgeous.  I feel like I wandered
>> out
>> of another universe sometimes, hanging out with them.  I don't think they
>> even realize it most of the time.
>>
>>
> First time we've seen this detail, I think.  My own sense of the series was
> that we were supposed to take Akane, at least, as thinking of herself as
> somewhat plain (she needn't have been accurate), and probably Yukino as
> well.


I agree.  Gin has his own perspective, though.  And a lot of the family is
very good looking.

(We saw Gin thinking even Akane was hot in Road Trip)


>
>
>     "This boy is such a hopeless idiot!  I knew Natasha's standards were
>> low
>> but I didn't realize how low," Alyssa said.
>>
>>    I half-leaned around Reito.  "You take that back!  I won't just stand
>> here while you insult my girlfriend!"
>>
>>
> Points for this, though.  Alyssa is insulting him much more, but he's angry
> as the insult to Natasha.


He's very loyal to his girlfriend.


>
>
>     Dammit, I totally fucked this up.
>>
>>
> Honest with himself, and fairly quickly so too.  Again, points.
>

Gin is at that age where if you see your own flaws, you still usually can't
overcome them.  TEENAGE HORMONE POWER.


>
>
>     I wondered what had happened to them.  I know Natasha's family has some
>> big secret the kids are trying to figure out which they think I don't know
>> there is a secret or that they're after it.
>>
> Heh.
>
>   Which they discuss in their not
>> as secret as they think meetings.
>>
> Double heh.
>

Hehe.


>
>
>   Which I'm pretty sure involved some
>> pretty tragic shit going down at their parents' old school.  Given all the
>> crazy shit Mandi and Sanae say happened when their moms were there.
>>
>>
> If the cousins ever find out how much Gin was able to learn, without
> particularly trying, they're going to feel very depressed.
>

Yes.  Gin's known Mandi and Sanae longer than they have, though.


>
>  Alyssa's Story:
>>
>>
> We see Alyssa's judgmental side here, but don't get any instances of what
> other people have observed of her:  the tendency to start concentrating on
> pure thought exercises ("plotting a hostile takeover of the Benedictines").
>

Yeah, I need to work on that, though here, her Gin Hate is keeping her
focused :)


>
>
>     The biology lab looked very well equipped; definitely the students were
>> getting their money's worth, even if most of them clearly didn't enjoy
>> dissecting frogs.
>>
>>
> Here, for instance, I would expect Alyssa to get a bit more concrete,
> perhaps noting a few specific instruments not common to high schools.


Any suggestions?  I don't know biology work well enough to be sure what to
put.  ^^;;


>
>
>     I did notice one of the girls was substantially faster than the others,
>> even though she was rather tiny.  "Who is that?" I asked the coach.
>>
>>    "Ota Mandi," Gin said.  "Her mom went to Fuuka, I think."
>>
>>
> You told us in Part 1 that Hayao has an "odd birthmark", and that Mandi was
> surprisingly strong.  I'm beginning to think you're going somewhere with all
> this.


Yes :)


>
>
>     "Yes, sir," Ota-san said, now shifting posture from sloppy casual to
>> formal.  Her vocal tone changed too.  "You would be Kanzaki Reito, who was
>> president of the student council Mom's freshman year, correct?"
>>
>>
> I almost hate to mention this, given how often you repeat this, but:  Reito
> was Vice-President of the Student Council.  Shizuru was the President.
>

AAAHHH


>
>
>     "Do you know what Kiyohime was after at Fuuka? Really?" Ota-san asked,
>> now very serious.
>>
>>
> Oh dear.


Heh.


>
>
>     Kiyohime is the name everyone at Fuuka uses for the terrorists that all
>> the events of the Summer of Fire got blamed on.  The bridge, the school
>> takeover, the destruction of Primus Research and First District and so on.
>> I'm not sure how it got started, but it spread quickly, and within a few
>> months after it all, everyone 'knew' they were to blame.
>>
> Sounds like a survivor of First District has been passing on tales.
>

Yes.

>
>
>     I suddenly wondered how much she knew.  People at Fuuka saw things, and
>> these days they usually act like none of it happened, but her mother was
>> there.  How many people saw the final battle and the destruction of the
>> Hime
>> star?  What did they think of it?
>>
>>
> All of this makes it seem like Ota Yayoi saw substantially more than Chie
> did, which I find odd.  And while it's not at all far-fetched to think that
> Yayoi herself might have been obsessed with all this in later years, I don't
> see why her daughter would be.  Too much obsession on the part of the mother
> would, I'd think, make the daughter pay less attention, not more, possibly
> to the point of being unable to bear hearing the name 'Fuuka'.  But if the
> mother isn't obsessed, where is Mandi's obsession with event predating her
> birth coming from?
>
> Unless this ties in with my earlier speculation that you're going somewhere
> here...  If Mandi is obsessed because of some impact the Fuuka events had on
> Mandi, which she knows about... for instance being experimented upon, to
> develop human weapons for combatting 'Kiyohime'...
>

This is going somewhere, though we won't get a full explanation until
later.


>
>     "No, but I will make sure it's looked into," I said.  Nao, that really
>> was a bit over the top, even for a manwhore like the one you were dealing
>> with.
>>
>>
> Alyssa really isn't thinking here, to outright lie about knowing "who this
> person is".  And she's supposed
> to be a thinker.
>
> Also, I found the placement of "Nao" in that paragraph way too easy to skip
> over.  You may want to
> consider rephrasing like this:  "..I said.  That really was a bit over the
> top, Nao, even for a manwhore..."
> as it's important for the reader to catch that Alyssa is mentally
> addressing Nao.


Alyssa doesn't think she'll see Ota Mandi ever again and doesn't want to get
into the issue with her.  (See below, oops :))



>
>
>     "Wait, you talking about Crystal's aunt Nao?" Houseki-san said.  "I
>> think she is the one who sent the bees after Hayao."
>>
>>    "YES," Ota-san said.  "I want to give that woman a piece of my mind."
>>
>>
> And now Mandi has good reason to never trust Alyssa again.



Yep.

>
>
>  was bandaged over some kind of lump.  "I didn't get this bruise falling
>> off
>> my HIGH HORSE," he said hotly.  "I got punched out trying to defend
>> Natasha's honor."
>>
>>    "Trying," I said.  "And failing, I expect."
>>
>>    "That is ENOUGH, Alyssa," Reito said hotly, startling me.
>>
>>
> This certainly works; it touches on one of Reito's hot buttons:  whether
> one gets points for
> trying and failing.
>

Yep.


>     "They have some pretty good stuff these days," Houseki-san said.
>>
> A good point, one that hadn't occurred to me:  a couple of decades'
> progress in the reliability of birth-control technology.


Yeah, by 2028, in this continuity, they have massively improved birth
control.  Some of which is connected to Kagami's parents, who both work in
that area now.

(They have Kagami on the top-of-the-line stuff)



>
>
>     "One of the smaller southern islands," she said.  "Something has been
>> mutilating cattle.  Could be just a local feud, but there is a tagged site
>> on the island."
>>
>>     Tagged sites are places where magic functions well enough for
>> something
>> to potentially break through.  Fortunately, such breakthroughs are rare,
>> though growing more common.
>>
> This all kind of underlines what you've been saying consistently since
> SOTL:  these Magdalenes are part of a larger network, large enough to track
> ALL sites where magic works, even on small southern islands.  So one might
> expect that Alyssa and Yukariko might be sort-of connected to just about
> everybody in Japan with a clue about magic (at least, not-for-profit magic.
>  I wouldn't expect the Searrs Foundation and anyone like them to be
> confiding in the Magdalenes, though they might be mutually aware of each
> other.  And it remains possible, I'd think, that Miyu and/or Alyssa might
> have contacts left within Searrs).  At any rate, the Hime are certainly
> tuned into the terminology used by just about every long-term player in
> magic.
>

Yep!

>
> So the tidbits you give us below about Roger and Dorothy, in that context,
> are quite suggestive.  R&D have independent terminology of their own; where
> did it come from?


They made it up.  They aren't actually sure how the Hime have special
abilities, so they call them Augments as they're augmented from the human
norm.

>
>
>     But I have my nakama.
>>
> I had to look this word up ("partner, companion, associate"), which
> suggests to me that you may want to define it for your readers:  "..have my
> nakama, my companions."


I've been reading Bleach, where it's a really important concept, so I forgot
most people wouldn't know.  ^^;;

It's a really good concept.

>
>
>  with my life.  And they trust me.  The others...they like me, but they
>> don't
>> trust me.
>>
>>
> It's probably true that Mai doesn't, at least.  Mikoto almost certainly
> does.  Many of the others had no first-hand contact with possessed Reito.
>  Reito's beliefs don't have to match the truth, though.
>

Exactly.



>>
>>    "How can you be so sure?  Even if men can become Hime, there are five
>> slots and six children.  Seven if we count Shinichiro."
>>
>>
> Eight if we count the K twins.
>

Nine if we count K twins and Shinichiro.  (They're counting Kagami here
since she is known to them to be a Hime, even though she isn't one of
theirs.)

>
>
>     "I don't think he will be involved," I told her.
>>
>>    "Can we be sure?" Akira countered.  "Our generation ranged in age from
>> whatever the hell Midori's real age was to 13.  Nine if you count Alyssa."
>>
>>
> Huh.  I always had the impression both Yukariko and Fumi were older than
> Midori, though now I'm not sure why I thought that of Yukariko.  I took
> Midori to be 24 in the series, time enough to have been in grad school and
> dropped out for a bit (admittedly, that would have to be kind of a minimum).
>  Midori always acts much younger than Fumi does.


Fumi is, in theory 19.  Like Yuriko Star!  *BULLSHIT*

Midori is officially 24, though she claims to be 17 in the series (This is a
joke from the fact that her VA claims to be 17 all the time)  So is
Yukariko.

So officially, Midori and Yukariko are the oldest, though in my story, Fumi
is older than 19 because that just doesn't jive to me with her appearance.



>
>
>  Alyssa's Tale:
>>
>>    I had hoped to dine elegantly tonight; instead, I'd eaten a sandwich
>> and
>> now I was rounding off my evening by lurking in trees waiting for cattle
>> to
>> be mutilated.  "So what happens if it's just a prankster or some kind of
>> feud?"
>>
>>
> Alyssa is asking this question (as opposed to, say, Nao)?  Why doesn't she
> know the answer?


Hmm, going to have to revise this scene, yes.


>
>
>  getting distracted like the time I was so busy running a debate between
>> Descartes and Voltaire in my head, I nearly got eaten.
>>
>>
> Heh.  Now that's more like it.


Heh.


>
>
>     Someone tapped my shoulder.  I turned and didn't see anyone, but I saw
>> something else.  A great serpent made of silvery flames.  It was coming my
>> direction.  I leaped to my feet and pulled my can of mace, not knowing
>> what
>> else to do.  I couldn't see who had tapped my shoulder, but I could see
>> the
>> serpent coming closer, moving faster than I walk but slower than I run.
>>
>>
> Is "Kei" pulling a Nagi here, actually summoning the orphan as well as
> pointing the Hime-to-be at it?


Part of Kei's job is to awaken the Junior Hime Brigade, yar.

Though there is something else going down here too as will be seen in part
3.


>
>
>  noticed it was significantly smaller than it had been as a serpent, maybe
>> even a little smaller than it had been when it first shed its skin.  Maybe
>> it was consuming its fuel, whatever that was.
>>
>>
> Strayed away from the magic zone it came from, mostly likely.


Yes.  Being in a low magic zone is eating it alive by inches.


>
>
>  angle and was closing with me fast.  Also, the back of my neck was
>> starting
>> to itch under my hair, which I found deeply annoying.
>>
>>
> Interesting... this is where her Hime mark appears a few paras down.


Yep!


>
>
>     I had done all I could, but I was out of ideas and options.  But one.
>> Kasumi's option.
>>
> As intended by "Kei"...


That's why this monster has come to campus, to awaken someone.

>
>
>     "As Chaos rises, the old rules fade; those with the will may forge
>> their
>> own Namcub and make their own destiny, may seize power with their own two
>> hands," I said, quoting the Namcub of the Crystal Princess.  "Then I claim
>> that power for myself!  This is the Namcub of Harada Erica!" I said
>> loudly.
>> "As it is spoken, so it shall be.  By the speaking of these words, the
>> contract is sealed and the prophecy made. I will pay the price and take
>> the
>> risk of power, power to fight the coming of the Age of Chaos!  I will
>> leave
>> the shadows and step into the light!  I will act, and risk the
>> consequences
>> which may ensue when I stand against the tide instead of letting it drive
>> me
>> where it will!  I choose this freely and of my own will!"  Water suddenly
>> exploded up around me in a pillar of expanding mist, shrouding everything
>> around me.
>>
>>
> Pretty good extempore composition under pressure.  Does she feel she had
> help?


Yes.  This was more clear in an earlier draft; will make it clear again.


>
>
>     The silver flame lion roared in agony as the mist hit him, but the mist
>> muffled the sounds, preventing them from carrying.
>>
>>
> "Shabon Spray!"
>
Yes.  The very first version of this scene ended up WAY TOO MUCH like Sailor
Mercury.  ^^;;  Who I love to death but this isn't her story.




>
>     And then I felt a sudden burning sensation on the back of my neck,
>> under
>> my hair.  It was the mark of my Namcub, I sensed instinctively, of the
>> contract I had made with the Silver Princess.
>>
> "Silver Princess"?  Doesn't she mean "Crystal Princess"?


Yes, I screwed up.


>
>
>     The silver fire lion now tried to pounce on me with what was left of
>> himself.  I blasted him at point blank with a miniature storm of howling
>> rain and lightning, knocking him back on his ass.  He shrank even more.
>>
>>
> First time through, I felt a little disappointed with this scene, but this
> time through I can't imagine
> why.  I quite enjoyed it.
>

It's been heavily revised as I think my inner Sailor Mercury wrote the first
draft.  ^^;;

A lot of credit to my friend Travis, who hammered the scene into better
shape.



>
>
>  Interesting; I would expect circles of someone imprisoned in the Moon.
>>
> Does this mean the Crimson Huntsman is imprisoned in the moon?  News to me.


Yes.  One of the many discarded stories had a long scene where the nuns
report on the gods imprisoned by the Obsidian Lord which ended up going into
my lore file but which will come out explicitly later.



>
>
>  Miyu's Story:
>>
>>    It was pretty clear what had happened.  Strong emotional release over
>> and over had eroded the seal, eventually enabling something to break
>> through.  In other words, too many people came here seeking a makeout spot
>> and too much stray spiritual energy built up.  If you have ever wondered
>> about entertainment in which the bad teenagers get eaten first, it is
>> because the bad teenagers are more likely to release spiritual energy
>> through loss of self-control, whereas those who are self-controlled, the
>> 'good' teenagers, do not.  Emotional release is like dousing yourself in
>> monster catnip.  Many monsters like to stalk their prey because prey
>> driven
>> into an emotional frenzy tastes better and releases more spiritual energy.
>>
>>
> This doesn't really sound like Miyu to me.  While it is grammatically
> punctilious, in the series Miyu is also given to over-precision in technical
> detail.  "It took us 11 minutes 17 seconds to determine what had happened.
>  The seal had been eroded due to too much strong human emotion, specifically
> teenage lust, being expressed within a 500 yard radius of the seal."


HEH

Yeah, private Miyu speaks that way (Public Miyu comes off more normal)

>
>
>     The other stood guard while the four of us performed the rite, which
>> left us exhausted.  Even I was tired.
>>
> "left the other three nuns exhausted.  Even I suffered a temporary
> diminishment of energy."


Heh.


>
>
>       At least for now, the children are safe. I think it is time to tell
>> them everything. But for now, too many are reluctant to confess.
>>
>>
> Might be nice to get a sense of the current vote.  Mai wants to keep
> silent, we know, but who else does who actually would presume to vote (I
> auppose Shizuru would abstain)?  We've heard expressions towards telling
> from Nao, Natsuki, Mikoto, Midori, Akane, Akira, Alyssa, Yukariko, and Chie.
>  We don't know what Yukino thinks.  Is Mai calling this shot alone?


Akane and Akira both have recently swung away from supporting Mai on this,
which means at this point, if all the Hime got together and voted, things
would tend to swing the other direction.  Mai's the most stubborn here.
Shiho still wants to keep things secret as she doesn't want the kids to know
about what she did.

But everyone's hand is about to be forced :)


>
>
>  Shun's Tale:
>>
>>    "Did they...now I wonder how much they told her," Crystal said,
>> frowning.
>>
>>    "Well, she isn't Aunt Kagami now, so probably not everything," Natasha
>> said.
>>
>>    My eyes crossed.
>>
>>
> Heh.  That would be funny.
>
> Crystal should be rethinking her strategy now.  If the parents tell Kagami
> a lot because she's a Hime,
> then these six just need to volunteer that Kasumi and Erica "are Battle
> Princesses now!  See the tattoos?"
> and they'll learn all they want to know.


Heh.  Yes.  :)


>
>
>  Kasumi's Tale:
>>
>>    I hid up in a tree; Erica took cover behind some bushes; the
>> vice-principal had shown up and was poking around, looking extremely
>> unhappy.  She wore a blue bathrobe over blue and pink pajamas, but she was
>> carrying a fencing foil in her right hand and looked ready to give someone
>> a
>> beating.  Not one of those safety weapons they use in competition but a
>> real, old-style sword for stabbing people.
>>
> Hmm... pink hair, carries a fencing foil...even the pajamas colors match, I
> think.  Have we heard a name for the vice-principal?


Nope.



>
>
>   Can you legally run around with
>> one of those in public?  I wasn't sure.  But then, she is the law here.
>>
>>
> You can if you can make it disappear at will...


Yeah, but see, the kids don't know that :)

>
>
>  attack on campus, we tell the parents, whatever the consequences.  Once is
>> a
>> coincidence, twice is a pattern."
>>
>>
> No, "Once is happenstance; twice is a coincidence; three times is enemy
> action."


Heh.


>
>
>     "Yeah, and then there was a huge circle of fire in the lawn the next
>> morning with Mikoto and Mai asleep in the middle of it and I thought
>> Haruka
>> was going to just beat Mai to death for that.  That's how I first saw your
>> mother, Crystal, sitting in the mi..."  Aunt Chie looked like a kid caught
>> with her hands in the cookie jar.  "Dammit."
>>
>>    We all started laughing which made her even more aggravated.  She
>> rubbed
>> her forehead.  "This is totally unnatural for me," she mumbled.
>>
>>
> Heh.


Aunt Chie loves to be a revealer.

>
>
>     "The Vice-President of your school came and bitched at ours," Junko
>> said
>> to me on the phone later.  "I had freaky nightmares about people being
>> buried alive and being chased by people's shadows, but other than that,
>> everything is normal here."
>>
>>
> Possibly indicative.  Let's see... Kasumi, Kagami, and Erica are activated;
> presumably Natasha and Crystal will be.  We are still looking for one more
> NextGen Hime.  Though we seem to have a lot of candidates now.  But possibly
> Mandi and Sanae are disqualified for some yet-to-be-revealed reason.


Junko, Hotaru, Mandi, Sanae are our main female candidates, though there's
also June, Hitomi, Joan, and Ayumi-sempai as longer shots.



>
>
>     There really wasn't very much fire damage; somehow, I'd expected more
>> from the stories going around.  But it fell to US to fix it.
>>
>>    "Did my Mother really arrive at Fuuka in a ring of fire?" I asked
>> Sakomizu-sensei, expecting him to deny it.
>>
>>    "Yes, she and Mikoto made quite a mess," he said.  "She never did tell
>> anyone what happened to cause it all," he continued, then studied me
>> curiously.
>>
>>
> Smart of him to tell the truth here, though he's already told them "nothing
> interesting happened" while
> their parents were at school.  Clearly the kids are justified in thinking
> Sakomizu-sensei has some
> odd ideas of what constitutes "interesting".


Yes :)

>
>
>  Sakomizu-sensei glanced at her as she did this, silently, looking
>> contemplative.
>>
>>    Kagami blinked at Sakomizu-sensei.  "Is something wrong, sensei?"
>>
>>    Sakomizu-sensei studied Kagami again, and seemed to be thinking about
>> something.  "Yes, I knew them, though not very well.  It was a great
>> tragedy.  I didn't know your mother actually survived it, as I never saw
>> her
>> again after everyone there died," he continued, sounding distant.
>>
>>    I kept my mouth shut.  I was extremely curious, but I could tell this
>> was touchy enough I shouldn't throw myself on any mines and I could
>> definitely sense something wasn't being said by Sakomizu-sensei.
>>
>>    He seemed a little disturbed the rest of the time, but I didn't say
>> anything even though curiosity was eating at me like acid.  I had a
>> feeling
>> I'd get bitten, one way or another.
>>
>>
> All this must mean something, too.  I suspect Primus Research was
> conducting experiments
> similar to the ones Searrs used to produce Alyssa.  Sakomizu sees Kagami
> displaying unexpected
> strength, and is trying to decide if she, or her parents, were subjects.
>

Yep.  Sakomizu-sensei is now very curious.

>
>
>  Roger's Rules:
>>
>>    "Someone has been hiring up former mech company engineers, who then
>> 'vanish'.  But there are conflicting reports from US Robots to Shinohara
>> Enterprises to Genom to Suzushiro Enterprises," he said.  "US Robots is
>> engaged in a huge alliance with Shell Solar, Kurauchi Electronics,
>> Morisato
>> Motors, and some other companies, but it seems to be entirely on the up
>> and
>> up.  Unless they're going to power something covert with all those solar
>> panels."
>>
>>
> Interesting.  The Hime have a lot of contacts, or potential contacts, in
> this group.  Genom seems
> to be the only exception.  You've already done Quincy as a supernatural
> menace, however. :)


Yep!

>
>
> And if "Morisato Motors" is involved in the alliance, it can't possibly be
> up to anything underhanded.
>

Because Keiichi HAS NEVER BEEN SUCKERED IN HIS LIFE, yep. :)


>
>     Kurauchi Electronics.  Which is run by relatives of some of Natsuki's
>> clan.  Which may or may not mean anything here.
>>
>>
> Is Roger just dropping the Suzushiro Enterprises lead?  He has much better
> potential information.


No, I just screwed up; must have not been thinking.  Added:

Suzushiro and Shinohara have some sort of alliance going on, I think.  And
Natsuki's clan controls Suzushiro and they have Tate Yuuichi in a strong
position inside Shinohara.  No Genom connection, though, I think.

>
>
>  Shun's Tale:
>>
>>
>> Kagami without worrying about it getting around.  Though if anyone was
>> watching, they'd see us.  But I doubt anyone pays attention to us any
>> more.
>>
>>
> Given Gin's statement, I wouldn't count on it.


Heh :)


>
>  Kasumi's Tale:
>>
>>    I looked around.  Some of the other girls just looked scared of her.
>> Some of them looked at me sympathetically but clearly were not going to
>> get
>> in the middle of this.  But many of them clearly thought she was right.
>>  How
>> else could I suddenly run so fast?  Having my own teammates suspect me
>> hurt.  I didn't ask for this.  I just wanted a normal life.
>>
>>
> You accepted the price, explicitly, when you got the power.


Yes.  But Kasumi is still resisting fully accepting what she's taken on.
What you accept in a moment of crisis may take a while for you to really
accept it.


>
>
>  Roger's Rules:
>>
>>    The advantage of working in the same area for ten years is that you
>> build up a network of contacts who can help you out when necessary.
>>
>>
> So Roger, Dorothy, and Norman came to Osaka from Paradigm City ten years
> ago, and have been here ever
> since.  Is anyone going to indicate to us if Roger seems to be aging?


We'll get the full skinny in Roger's Rules of Order when I finally get that
in order.


>
>
>     I felt a strange sensation at the bottom of my back as we went down
>> into
>> the water, the same one I'd felt around Tallin.  I glanced over at
>> Dorothy;
>> she nodded.  She'd felt it too.
>>
> Both feel the presence of a magic zone, and Roger feels it at a specific
> point on his body, as if he
> has a tattoo or birthmark.


Yep.

>
>
>     What caused that sensation, I don't know; both of us were perfectly
>> normal in that region when we got home and had time to check it out.
>>
>>
> First time through, I couldn't parse that sentence correctly for the life
> of me.  This time, I can:  they
> were both "perfectly normal" at the bottoms of their backs once they got
> home and had time to
> examine each other's bodies.  But "region" can be taken to mean "the area
> around Tallin", so it can
> be confusing.


I will make it clearer

>
>
>  Dorothy does have a tattoo right there, but she's had it at least since we
>>
>>
> How can Dorothy have a tattoo?  Suggest "mark".


Doh.


>
>
>  note there.  Also, I think Natsuki would have commented if she ever saw
>> anything odd there on my body.
>>
> Heh.  She certainly would have, but not necessarily to you.
>

Yeah, but he = not mindreader.


>
>  deep with a communications failure.  Dorothy had insisted on coming.
>>
> You seem to be deviating from the original series with respect to Dorothy's
> weight.  (I don't think
> Dorothy COULD go diving in the original.)  Also, below, you have Shizuru
> and Natsuki putting
> Roger and Dorothy to bed without any comment on her weight.
>

Dorothy has been upgraded in some ways and more easily passes for human now.


>
>   I was
>> nervous about that, but a gentleman should always take a lady's request so
>> long as it is honorable and polite.  Rule thirty five.
>>
>>
> Heh.


Hehe.

>
>
>     "Maybe," Captain Wang said.  "However, such a thing shouldn't have been
>> functional if this area was acting up again, which seems likely, given the
>> radio silence."
>>
>>
> Mechs not being functional is quite a bit beyond a radio dead zone.


Relic of an earlier draft, will fix.

>
>
>     "How long has this area been here?"
>>
>>    "First reports about twenty or so years ago, slowly growing more
>> common," she said.  "Scientists can't figure it out, but we can find the
>> edges and mark them.  Bastards moved the buoys."
>>
>>    "Are these zones common?"
>>
>>    "No, but they've become more common the last twenty years,
>>
>>
> I wonder if the Magdalenes know there are magic zones at sea.  They
> probably don't have them listed.


They are not aware.



>
>
>     This area felt like the zone around Tallin.  I'm not sure what that
>> was,
>> but it wasn't anything good.  And may well have been basically a
>> dimensional
>> weakpoint.  Maybe even an actual hole.  The idea that more of them are
>> appearing does not please me.
>>
>>
> Hmm.  Roger doesn't know what a magic zone is.  But Big O is clearly
> dependent on them.  So
> how did Roger know to summon Big O at Tallin?  And how did he know what the
> ripple meant?


That'll come out in Roger's Rules of Order.

>
>
> He knows the Tallin people were trying to create dimensional holes.  Is he
> simply echoing his
> knowledge of what Tallin was up to, or is he using these terms from
> previous experiences?
>

Echoing his knowledge of what Tallin was up to, though as we'll see, Roger
knows more about dimensions than the Hime do.


>
>     "Is something wrong?" Aunt Akane asked Kagami, studying her curiously.
>>
>>    "There is nothing wrong at all and I have not done anything naughty at
>> all and everything is fine," Kagami said urgently.
>>
>>
> She has it bad.
>

Yes.


>
>     "Oh, hello, Nao, fancy finding you here listening at doors," Reito said
>> in the hallway.
>>
>>
> Heh.


Hehe.


>
>
>     "Unfortunately, I am on bad terms with them and haven't talked to them
>> in a long time.  They weren't pleased with my choice of a lifestyle," he
>> said a little mournfully.
>>
>>
> Two sentences, all true but not connected the way the Hime are supposed to
> think.
> (He hasn't talked to them in over ten years for reasons unconnected to his
> choice of a lifestyle.)
>

Yep!


>
>
>     "You're very good at it," Dorothy said.  "Norman has supplied us with
>> your wares for several times we had guests to good result."
>>
>>
> Suggest "..your wares on several occasions when we had guests, to good
> result."




>
>
>     I love spending time with the kids, but it was also wonderful to spend
>> some time with some interesting, intelligent adults too.
>>
> "interesting, intelligent adults" performing tsukkomi-boke.  Parenthood has
> really degraded
> Akane's standards.  :)


Heh.  It's not the only entertainment, though.


>
>
>     "This could have some connection to the appearance of a mysterious mech
>> during the destruction of Tallin," Mr. Smith said.  "Matching no known
>> model."
>>
>>    We suspect he's connected to that, but he doesn't seem to know about
>> it,
>> I thought.  But if he isn't, who was?
>>
>>
> You never gave us a scene where one of the Hime finally realized that Roger
> is an obvious suspect
> if a male can be a Hime.  Last we saw, they were still speculating all
> around him.


More on this in Roger's Rules of Order

>
>
>  Natsuki's Tale:
>>
>>    The play was very enjoyable and we all had a good time.  I'd been
>> afraid
>> Shizuru and Roger would have another of their fights, but instead, they
>> both
>> seemed determined to outdo each other in GOOD manners.
>>
> First time we've heard that there've been ANY such fights, I think.


Haven't been in a place to talk about it before.


>
>  Dorothy's Tale:
>>
>>    I have changed since Paradigm City.  I think some of my systems were
>> upgraded.  I have fully functional senses of smell and taste now and my
>> body
>> no longer makes loud mechanical noises when I run or otherwise exert
>> myself.  I think I am the most sophisticated robot in this entire world
>> that
>> I have seen, in terms of passing for human.
>>
> Guess she's hasn't met Miyu yet.
>

She hasn't.

>
> And the way Dorothy is saying "this entire world" implies she (and
> presumably Roger and Norman)
> come from, or at least spent some time in, another.


Yes.  More in Roger's Rules of Order



>
>   Which is how I could run down
>> that thief without giving myself away.
>>
> Heh.  "without giving myself away"?  Dorothy needs a reality check; if
> Natsuki thinks she was too fast,
> so did a good bit of the crowd.


Yeah, but Dorothy canna read Natsuki's mind.


>
>
>     Today was more evidence Akane is one of the Augments.  Probably
>> whenever
>> she vanished at Fuuka, she was upgraded.  She seems sloppier about showing
>> it off lately, though.
>>
>>
> Ah, new unique terminology!
>

Yep!


>
>     Natsuki is an Augment and so is Tate-san and most likely Harada-san,
>> even if it wasn't obvious. We're still trying to figure out which of them
>> are Augments and which not.  I don't think Kazuya-san is, but I'm not so
>> sure about Tate-san's husband or her live-in mistress.  I am not sure
>> about
>> Shizuru-san.
>>
>>
> The ones Dorothy and Roger should be sure of are Akane plus the ones who
> were using their
> abilities at Tallin:  Mai and Natsuki and Akira and Mikoto.  I suppose it's
> just possible that they
> didn't notice Akira, but they certainly should have noticed Mikoto.
>

My error.


>
>
>     This time, I clumsily embraced her, trying to silence the whirling
>> thoughts in my head.  For some reason, in addition to roughly 3000
>> inappropriate impulses, I could also hear the Namcub whispering itself in
>> my
>> head.
>>
>>
> Now that's odd.  No idea what it could mean, unless it means that Sanae is
> (one of several, probably)
> potential next-gen Himes.


That would be telling.

>
>
>     "We should put them to bed," Natsuki said, so with Norman's help, we
>> hauled them off to their beds, then went back to the veranda.
>>
>>
> In Dorothy's own series, they could not possibly have done that without
> noticing Dorothy's weight.
> So I suppose here Dorothy's weight must be close to what it should be for a
> human.


Yes.  Dorothy has undergone some changes since Paradigm City, which make her
much less easily detected as not human.


>
>
>     "I think Dorothy must be one of us," Natsuki said.  "Or something like
>> it."
>>
>>    "She could be like Miyu," I pointed out.
>>
> Hmm, very good guess.  But then, even Mikoto noticed that Dorothy reminded
> her of Miyu back
> in LAFUTF.  Might want to have Shizuru supply a reason like that:
>  "..pointed out.  "She kind of reminds
> me of Miyu."  "


Heh.

>
>
>   "But she's definitely not
>> normal.  I hope Akane's renewed Hime status isn't making trouble between
>> her
>> and Kazuya."
>>
>>
> Akane has to pay some price for having powers everywhere.  And I doubt
> quitting the track team is
> the only one Kasumi'll have to pay.


Akane is turning into a different person as she finally begins to achieve
her full potential. And yes, this is going to be a serious problem, as it's
rarely good for a relationship when one person changes and the other does
not.



>
>
>     "Well, he was right.  The man might have had a gun, though I expect she
>> could have handled it," I said.  "Most men can't handle their wives being
>> tougher than they are, too."
>>
>>    "He's not that kind of guy," Natsuki said.
>>
> True, based on what we see of Kazuya in the series.


Yep.  Not that we see much of him in canon as he spends over half the series
inside a pillar, but Kazuya is not concerned with macho.


>
>
>   "But I'm sure he does feel
>> frustrated he can't do more."  She sighed.  "I suspect if Roger does find
>> out about my powers he's more likely to ask me to hit people for him than
>> feel any angst over it."
>>
> Heh.  True also.


Yes.


>
>
>   She laughed, and I smiled.  Her smiling face is
>> best.
>>
>>    "He doesn't need a gun when he has Dorothy," I said.
>>
> Not to mention the giant mech.
>

Heh.


>
>     I didn't expect to like Roger, but he has enough of Natsuki in him to
>> make him easy to tease.  They both want so hard to be dignified, but it's
>> so
>> easy to yank their chains and embarrass them.  Neither Dorothy nor I can
>> resist.
>>
>>
> Heh.  How observant of Shizuru.
>

Shizuru has a pretty keen insight into people in my take on her.


>
>     I know Dorothy has had boyfriends, but not very many.  All apparently
>> short, but highly passionate affairs.  I have to admit she intrigues me
>> with
>> her wit and her intellect.
>>
>>
> Now this could bear some explication.


Again, more in Roger's Rules of Order.

>
>
>
> As always, I enjoyed it quite a bit.  Looking forward to Part 3.


Time for the fire which purifies the night!
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