[FFML] [Azumanga/DN] The Notebook

[Kevin Callahan]

Not one of your best, but an amusing read for the train ride to  
Shinjuku.

Sent from my iPhone

On Oct 11, 2008, at 2:04 PM, DB Sommer <sommert at connecttime.net> wrote:

> And now my Azumanga drought has come to an end.
>
> The Notebook
> (An Azumanga fic, not a story by Nicholas Sparks)
>
> Standard disclaimer: As usual, I don’t own the rights to Azumanga Da 
> ioh
> or anything that crossover’s with it.
>
>
> Xxxxxxxx
>
> ~~Things You Find Lying Around~~
>
> Osaka was walking across the school grounds, intent on making it to
> class before school started, when she spotted an odd black book  
> lying in
> the grass next to a sidewalk. Curious, she walked over and picked it  
> up.
> The title was written in English on the cover, though it was obviously
> no school book. She opened it and saw a number of ruled lines on blank
> pages.
>
> “Oh, a notebook,” she observed.
>
> “Or more precisely, a Death Note.”
>
> Osaka turned to see a pale-faced figure with a rictus grin and a taste
> in goth floating next to her.
>
> “What are you?” Osaka asked.
>
> “I’m Ryuk, a shinigami.”
>
> Osaka scratched her head. “I thought shinigami wore black robes with 
>  a
> white border and wielded zanpakuto.”
>
> Ryuk sighed. “You can’t believe everything you see on television 
> .”
>
> “Could you introduce me to Kenpachi?”
>
> “There is no such thing as shinigami. At least shinigami like those  
> guys
> in Bleach,” he clarified. “We’re losing focus here. You are now  
> in
> possession of a Death Note, which means it belongs to you. It’s an i 
> tem
> of unimaginable power. If you write a person’s name in it, they will 
>  die.”
>
> “Oh.” Osaka paused to consider that. “But I can still use it  
> like a
> normal notebook, right?”
>
> “Uhhhhh, I guess,” Ryuk slowly admitted.
>
> “Good. I need a notebook for math.” She tucked the Death Note  
> under her arm.
>
> Ryuk was at a loss. “But wouldn’t you rather use it to kill people 
> ?”
>
> “It’s a matter of priorities. Right now taking notes in math is mo 
> re
> important than killing anyone.”
>
> Ryuk sighed. He was now getting more bored, not less. And why did he
> have this odd feeling of déjà-vu?
>
> Xxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> ~~Bumping Into Familiar Face~~
>
> Osaka walked through the halls toward her class, Ryuk floating  
> languidly
> behind her, waiting for something to happen.
>
> Osaka was nearly at her class when she collided with another student.
> After regaining her balance, she turned and bowed low in apology. “S 
> orry
> about that, Moonbeam.”
>
> The youth snapped, “I keep telling you my name is not Moonbeam. It 
> ’s
> Light. Light Yagami.”
>
> “Oh.” Osaka considered that. “You have to admit, it’s easy to  
> get
> confused since the names are a lot alike.”
>
> “They are nothing alike! Why don’t you write my name down so you
> remember it?”
>
> “Good idea.” Osaka pulled a notebook out from under her arm and  
> began to
> write in it.
>
> Xxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> ~~Disbeliever~~
>
> Osaka encountered Tomo in the hall before she got to class. Upon  
> seeing
> her friend, she began relating her tale.
>
> “—and so this shinigami comes up to me—“
>
> Tomo interrupted. “Does he look like more like Renji or Hitsugaya 
> ?”
>
> Osaka looked over at Ryuk. “Actually he looks like kind of like a mi 
> me,
> only less annoying and with better fashion sense.”
>
> Ryuk said, “Why don’t you let her touch the Death Note, then  
> she’ll be
> able to see me for herself?”
>
> Osaka did so. Tomo’s eyes widened as Ryuk became visible to her.  
> “What
> the?” she began, and then a devious look entered her eyes. To Osaka  
> she
> said, “Good one. You almost had me there.”
>
> Osaka returned the question with a more oblivious look than usual. “ 
> What
> do you mean?”
>
> Tomo snickered. “This is probably the best practical joke anyone’s
> pulled on me. It’s right up there with me suckering Yomi into walki 
> ng
> through a bunch of poison ivy in only a swimsuit.” She looked over R 
> yuk
> slowly. “Hmm. Yomi’s thighs are thicker than that. Not enough  
> chest for
> Sakaki. I’m going to guess it’s Chiyo-chan. Nice costume, by the  
> way.
> Way cooler than the penguin outfit.”
>
> “My name isn’t Chiyo-chan,” Ryuk said almost whining. “I’m  
> really a
> shinigami.”
>
> “Let’s see your zanpakuto then.”
>
> “Bleach isn’t real, damn it!” He really hated that show. It just
> confused the humans.
>
> Xxxxxxxxxx
>
> ~~Nicknames~~
>
> Tomo looked Ryuk in the eye. “So let me get this straight. I write
> someone’s name in the book, and they keel over from a heart attack f 
> orty
> seconds later, right?”
>
> “For the seventh time, yes,” Ryuk answered in a tired voice.  
> “It’s all
> in the book. I wrote instructions in it and everything.”
>
> “Like we’re passing English.” Tomo scoffed as she put the Death  
> Note
> down, picked up a pen, and wrote something in it. “There. Now  
> we’ll see
> if it works.”
>
> Osaka said, “Don’t write in it too much. I need it for math.”
>
> “There’s an infinite number of pages in it,” Ryuk said.
>
> “I hope I don’t need to take that many notes,” Osaka said  
> worriedly,
> then asked Tomo, “Whose name did you write in it?”
>
> Tomo hummed the theme to Jeopardy as she stared at her watch. “Yours 
> .”
>
> Osaka drew back in horror. “But why?”
>
> Tomo smiled. “Obviously, it will not only establish that the Death N 
> ote
> works, but at the same time eliminates the current owner of the  
> book, as
> well as the only one who know what it does, while allowing it to pass
> into my possession.”
>
> “Whoa, that’s actually pretty good,” Osaka said in awe.
>
> “Ain’t it, though? I came up with it just now. Although we now ha 
> ve
> proof that this whole thing is a crock.”
>
> “What do you mean?”
>
> Tomo pointed to her watch. “Forty seconds have passed and you  
> aren’t dead.”
>
> “It does too work,” Ryuk insisted.
>
> Tomo pointed at Osaka. “No way. I wrote her name in the book and not 
> hing
> happened.”
>
> Ryuk picked up the book and looked to see exactly what Tomo had  
> written.
> “It just says ‘Osaka’, in here.”
>
> “Yep.”
>
> “That’s not her real name.”
>
> “The heck it’s not. We’ve been calling her that since her first  
> day
> here. Why, I remember looking at the class enrollment for the new year
> and the name clearly said, ‘Osaka’. If it’s good enough for this
> school’s class assignments, then it should be good enough for some
> crummy Death Note.”
>
> Osaka nodded her head.
>
> Ryuk sighed. The boredom was being replaced with something much worse.
>
> Xxxxxxxxx
>
> ~~Assault and Battery of Questions~~
>
> Osaka and Tomo finally entered their class. Looking around at their
> various classmates, they chose to stop at Sakaki’s desk first.
>
> Osaka kicked things off. “Hey Sakaki, if you could kill someone by
> writing their name in a notebook, who would you write down first?”
>
> Sakaki looked at Osaka, horrified.
>
> Tomo said, “Sakaki wouldn’t kill someone that way.”
>
> Sakaki began to relax.
>
> “She wouldn’t?” Osaka asked.
>
> “Nah, she’s so tough, she’d just kill them with her bare hands.  
> Probably
> more satisfying that way.”
>
> “Good point.”
>
> They walked away from the desk, leaving a depressed Sakaki behind.
>
> Next up was Yomi. As the two approached, Tomo led off this time. “He 
> y,
> Yomi. If you had a book that could kill people by writing their name  
> in
> it, whose names would you write down?”
>
> Yomi considered that. “Everyone on my ‘to kill’ list.”
>
> Both girls drew back in shock. “You have a list of people you want  
> to
> kill?” Osaka asked.
>
> “Doesn’t everyone?” Yomi asked in mild surprise. She turned to  
> Tomo, her
> glasses gleaming in a maniacal way. “And guess who’s on the top  
> of the
> list.”
>
> Tomo considered that. “Chiyo-chan, because she’s such an annoying  
> know
> it all?”
>
> “No.” The gleam increased.
>
> “Sakaki. It ain’t right she’s got a chest that big.”
>
> “No.” A creepy smile appeared.
>
> “That annoying Hard Gay guy that’s on TV all the time, humping  
> people?”
>
> “On the list, but not the top.” The smiled increased until it was  
> nearly
> ear to ear.
>
> After another minute of full concentration, Tomo said, “I give up 
> .”
>
> The smile and gleam disappeared as Yomi sighed. “Teasing is no fun  
> if
> the target is completely oblivious to it.”
>
> “Aw, come on, tell me. It’s going to drive me nuts if I don’t  
> know.”
>
> Yomi groaned. “There is no list. It was a joke.”
>
> “Don’t hold out on your best friend,” Tomo whined.
>
> Yomi started to get a headache. “Would it make you happy if I made u 
> p a
> list and put you on the top, seeing as you’re probably the person th 
> at
> has affected my life the most?”
>
> “You’d do that for me?” Tomo asked.
>
> “In a heartbeat.”
>
> “Cool.” She turned to Osaka. “Did you hear that? Yomi says  
> I’ve had the
> biggest influence in her life.”
>
> “I don’t think she meant it in the way you think she meant it,”  
> Osaka
> warned.
>
> Though she couldn’t see him, Ryuk patted Yomi’s shoulder in  
> sympathy. He
> knew exactly where she was coming from. A pity the Death Note hadn’t
> fallen into her hands. He had a feeling it would have been put to use
> rather quickly.
>
> The pair went over to Chiyo next. This time Osaka posed her the  
> question.
>
> Chiyo said, “Oh, a moral dilemma problem.”
>
> The pair looked at each other. “What’s that mean?” Osaka asked.
>
> “It means that if you give an answer like, ‘I’d only kill  
> someone that
> would kill someone else’ you’d be guilty of the very thing you  
> say you
> hate.”
>
> “Oh,” Tomo said.
>
> Chiyo said, “Putting that aside, if you want to go with a visceral
> reaction, I’d probably write down the names of everyone who made fun 
>  of
> my height.” She smiled sweetly at the two.
>
> Both girls backed away nervously. “Yeah, good thing we don’t have
> something like that, right, Osaka?”
>
> “Yep,” Osaka agreed quickly.
>
> The pair finally wound up backing into Yukari, who had just entered  
> the
> classroom.
>
> This time Tomo took the lead. “Miss Yukari, what if you could kill
> someone by writing their name in a book?”
>
> “What, you mean like a Death Note?”
>
> The girls drew back in surprise. “How did you know?” Tomo asked.
>
> “I stumbled on one back when I was in high school. There was this
> shinigami –and by the way he didn’t look anywhere near as hot as  
> any of
> them in Bleach—who dropped it. He said he was bored and wanted to s 
> ee
> what would happen if a human got their hands on one. So of course  
> once I
> learn what it does I show it to Nyamo first, and do you know what  
> she did?”
>
> “No, what?” Osaka asked.
>
> “She threw it into an incinerator!” Yukari slammed her fist down  
> on the
> desk. “She said she wouldn’t give me the power to choose between  
> vanilla
> or chocolate, let alone who gets to live and die. I tell you, if I  
> ever
> get my hands on one again, I know whose name gets written down first 
> .”
>
> Ryuk sighed. Now he knew where that feeling of déjà-vu had come fro 
> m.
>
> Yukari asked, “What makes you ask, anyway?”
>
> Tomo said, “We got our hands on a defective one. Even if you write
> people’s names in it, no one dies. Makes it pretty useless.”
>
> “I’ll say. Cheap foreign made crap,” Yukari said.
>
> “I’m going to use it as a notebook for math,” Osaka said.
>
> “Go ahead and kill those numbers,” Yukari encouraged.
>
> Ryuk began crying. He had learned a valuable lesson. Some things were
> worse than boredom. Much worse.
>
> Things like frustration.
>
> Xxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> [End fic]
>
> A little something I hope you found amusing.
>
> And I don’t own the rights to Death Note or Bleach either.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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