Richard Lawson said:

Anyway, after yet another series of gentle nudges from people who wanted a
copy of "Cursed", I dusted it off. I tried to cover the plot hole I created
and tightened it up a bit. I still am dissatisfied with it, so any and all
suggestions y'all might have would be quite welcome. There's just something
fundamental that's missing from this, and I can't quite place my finger on
it. Any comments, criticisms, and outright flames would be greatly
appreciated.

Overall, I liked Cursed very much, but there were a couple of aspects
that felt a little jarring when I read it.  I don't know if they're
related to your "something fundamental that's missing", but I'll try
to explain.

1) Having all of the Jusenkyo cursees being affected at the same time:
Is this the plot hole you spoke of?  This was explained as possibly
being caused by the proximity of the five causing their curses to sync
with each other, but to me it doesn't seem to fit.  Shampoo / Mousse
and Ranma / Genma are more together than any of the others as they
live together in the same houses, but how much contact would Genma
have with Shampoo or Mousse?  Ryouga spends much of his time off
travelling by himself; how much opportunity would he have for his
curse to sync with the others?

A couple of paragraphs earlier, you had Cologne talk about each of the
character's level of acceptance of their curses.  This could be a
possible explanation, with the exception that Genma is probably the
most accepting of his curse, and therefore would be expected to revert
first.  OTOH, maybe that is the reason he spends so much time in panda
form!

Another possible alternative could be that it was triggered by a
specific event where all were involved, e.g. exposure to Jusendo water
/ something at Phoenix Mountain if the fic is set that late.  In that
case, the reversion doesn't even need to be something that applies to
all Jusenkyo cursees; it could be something specific to the five of
them caused by that particular event.

2) The scene with Akane splashing Ranma at the end:
I am curious what the purpose of having Akane splash Ranma at the end
was.  IMO, it changed the focus and tone of the story quite abruptly
from Ranma's gradual realisation and horror at what was happening to
him (and that _wonderful_ poignant scene with Ryouga), to Akane's
scorn and then grief at his change and his fear and then acceptance of
the loss of himself.  Why would she be crying at the end?  She would
be curious - yes, puzzled - yes, angry - maybe, but I don't see why
she would start crying until she worked out (or was told) why Ranma
was behaving that way.  I think she would be more likely to assume he
was playing a trick or similar.  Was she even needed in that final
scene at all?  If she was only there to splash Ranma, then she could
be removed and he could be splashed accidentally; the focus could then
remain on Ranma and his reactions as it had for the rest of the fic.

An alternative might be to finish up earlier (just after the talk with
Ryouga) with Ranma's horror of what will happen the next time he does
get splashed, knowing he will lose himself and fighting it, but also
knowing that there will be nothing he can do about it.

++++++++

Hopefully that all made sense.  I'm only just learning how to pull
apart a story and look at it critically (mainly so my own writing
doesn't suck too much), so apologies if I have overstepped my bounds /
made mistakes etc.

Rebecca

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