Yay!
Eimii wrote:
dis�claim�er: n.
1. A repudiation or denial of responsibility or connection.
2. A renunciation of one's right or claim.
[Middle English, denial of a feudal claim, from Anglo-Norman desclaimer,
to disclaim, denial of a feudal claim ; see disclaim.]
Disclaimer: Wheeee! Apply happy educational material above to the phrase
'all characters portrayed in this work of fanfiction,' and you'll
understand how much of this i actually own...
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Harsh Language Warning: Sakura-chan discovers fun new ways to degrade
the people around her. Yaaaay!
This should be... interesting. :)
Speaking of changes, there are a lot of them this time... again. >_<; I
_thought_ i could revise this chapter without breaking it, but i may
very well have been wrong. There's a lot of brand new and reorganized
material in here, and i didn't have access to any pre-readers for the
second half of this, so it may very well suck. A lot.
I know that feeling all too well.
That being said, C&C is always appreciated, and i'd really like to know
what older readers think of the changes. We're getting closer to the
'present' in the story, too, with only a few of the old chapters left to
revise. Huzzah! Not sure whether i'll start working on a new chapter
after this or try and finish up the revisions. While i'm off in the
corner agonizing over that, please sit back, relax and enjoy the show!
Shall do!
"Well it looks pretty fuckin' bad!" Temari snapped, not looking up.
Instead, her eyes fell to the pile of shredded cloth at her feet. What
remained of Sakura's clothes were stained completely black with crusty,
dried blood; they'd had to _peel_ them off of her so the doctor could
treat her wounds.
Well, at least it isn't all her blood. Well... not _this_ hers blood...
well... not this hers blood that wasn't contained in a different her
first...
Boy, this gets complicated fast. :)
Most disturbing were the bite marks; clustered on Sakura's arms and
legs, they were small and shallow, but Temari could tell by the tooth
pattern that they'd been made by snakes. She was sure Anko knew
something about them, but after examining Sakura, the jounin had refused
to say more than 'She's fine,' all the while scowling like she was
having trouble swallowing her own bullshit.
Anko: Lies. I'm an expert at swallowing bullshit, my own or otherwise.
"Am I just a fuckin' toy ta you?" Temari guessed. She knew she'd crossed
the line as soon as the words left her mouth, but she was too tired to
care. "Is that how it is? Ya get ta kick me around 'n watch me do stupid
shit 'till I manage ta fuckin' kill myself? I'll bet it feels good ta be
on the other end 'a the-"
*wince* OUCH.
Temari's lips curled into a mischievous grin. "But it's so much better
when you do it, Anko-chan," she purred breathily, leaning back to thrust
her hips toward Anko's face.
"Would you fucking stop that?!" Sakura shrieked, kicking the blonde girl
off of Anko. "OWwww!" Wincing, Sakura gingerly retracted her foot back
under her makeshift blanket.
"Just gettin' some payback," Temari grumbled sourly. Standing up, she
pulled down her skirt with a frown of annoyance.
Dusting herself off as she got to her feet, Anko cast a wary glance at
the blonde. "You definitely don't get to call _me_ 'weird' anymore,
Sakura-chan," she muttered.
Hee.
While the two older Kunoichi exchanged glares, Sakura turned to stare in
confusion at the makeshift triage center that had been set up in the
street outside the hospital. Dozens of white-coated medics circulated
through the rows of cots in a scene of barely-contained chaos. "What
happened? Why are we-?"
Don't believe "Kunoichi" should be capitalized here.
It was the way he moved that identified him- like he could carry on an
entire conversation without saying a word. Holding up Sakura's discarded
fox mask, he tilted his head and peered at the green-haired girl as of
to ask what he had done to deserve this sort of treatment. Then, with a
long-suffering sigh, he began walking toward them.
Didn't "Temari" have the fox mask at the beginning of the chapter? Or
is he supposed to be picking it up from where Anko threw it?
Blinking, Yoshinari watched for a couple more seconds as Temari climbed
up onto the table, then turned to smile uncomfortably at Anko. "You
know, the resemblance is almost frightening, Anko-sama."
...bad move, Monkey-man.
Crossing her arms, Sakura looked away. "No, I didn't. I just said you
act like her; I don't think you _are_ her- no more than I am, anyway."
The dark-skinned girl felt her cheeks warm as she plucked up the courage
to say what came next. "You're loud, obnoxious, shameless and mean, but
you're still me," she mumbled in a rush, pursing her lips sulkily.
Turning back to Temari, Sakura was relieved to see the fear and anger
draining from the other girl's face. *Honestly, why does she have to be
such a child?*
She understood how Temari felt, but Sakura really wished 'she' could
learn a little self-control. "I'm scared too, you know, but you don't
see _me_ freaking out just because someone said I act like Anko," she
scolded lightly.
All the paragraph breaks here kind of make it seem like multiple people
are talking here.
"And it's _my_ coat," Anko pointed out, grinning wolfishly as she
started working on the second button against Sakura's continued
resistance. "Wouldn't it be best to give it back before something in
there wakes up and decides to bite you?"
....my, Anko is being cruel today. :)
Frowning, Sakura pressed her hand deep into the plush red cushion under
her leg. *Why does this thing have to be so damn soft?* It didn't make
any sense; why _did_ Konoha's elite special forces unit keep such a
nice, comfy couch in the middle of their secret detention center?
For all the Monty Python jokes, of course.
Sakura frowned in confusion. "Famous?" _That_ didn't bode well. Sakura's
head started to spin as she tried to figure out what she might be
'famous' for. *Did they hear about what I did to Anko? Did she tell them
I was her student? Did they see the see the video?!*
Is the repetition of "see the" intentional?
"I'm just being a 'loving teacher' for my 'darling student,'" Anko joked
with an evil grin. "You should be used it- you were with Gai before,
right?"
"used to it"
"I upset that I got stuck with such a freak for a student," Anko
complained sulkily. "What the hell am I supposed to do with you? You're
always getting into trouble and nothing you do ever makes sense."
You know, I can just about imagine Orochimaru, back when he was slightly
less evil, saying pretty much exactly the same thing to chibi-Anko, and
that just cracks me up. :)
"Well- that goes double for you!" Sakura countered with an indignant
sniff. "Do you think _I_ like the idea of having a 'teacher' that acts
like a bratty child most of the time?"
"Hey, I can be an 'adult' when I need to be," Anko whined. "Speaking of
children though-" Anko reached up to cup Sakura's breasts. "Hmm... I
guess do have them after all, or is this just swelling?"
"I guess you do have"
"A pervert? It's not _that_ weird a question, Sakura-chan. Unless... Do
you _like_ shy little Hinata-chan? And here I figured assertive girls
were more your type..."
"AAAAAAARGH! DAMMIT, Don't you ever _shut up?!_"
Anko: Nope!
Not much in the way of general comments this time; it's a good chapter
and the changes worked well. I'm looking forward to the next, whether
it winds up being another revision or new material.