Standard C&C Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am
not God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.
Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.
Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.
Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.
And my current victim is... ;)
On 4/22/06, Benjamin A. Oliver <boliver@email.arizona.edu> wrote:
Roight, then...
Gotten some comments back on the story... Basically if you think the story's
been mediocre before this, it's improving significantly, starting with this
chapter.
(steeples hands) Eeeeexcellent. And since it's improving 'significantly', as
opposed to 'slightly', then it's only natural that my expectations are now a
bit higher than before. ;) Don't disappoint me. :P
Previously, Terra Incognita joined up with a fledgeling
fledgeling --> fledgling
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
group of miniskirted
superheroines, but hadn't been able to contribute much up to this point.
Earlier chapters are at the Florestica site:
http://boliver.florestica.com/tint/index.htm
BTW, suggest: miniskirted --> mini-skirted
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
The previous chapter had the title as, "And They All Died..." And they did
all
die.
Yeah. They pulled a veritable X/1999 there. Indeedy.
And now, this chapter is...
Nuke 'Em 'Till They Glow!!
Terra in Tokyo
---Chapter 6: But It Was Just a Dream.
(facefault)
The Kleppe: (berating my facefault) Try to avoid stock, cliched descriptions.
Picture the situation in your mind and try to come up with a fresh take on it.
Er... ^^;;
The Kleppe: Oh, like that's any better.
No, that wasn't true. She
knew all too well that, despite her best efforts, she failed to save or even
aid
significantly her friends.
Hell, she's now experiencing FULL METAL ANGST!
Sure sucks to be you, doesn't it? a voice from inside the girl's head
said.
"Shut up," she moaned in reply. She'd already been through insults from the
Suggest: She'd already been through enough insults from the
"What? I didn't say anything," the Star Light Knight said, "and
neither did
I." He twitched and pounded on his own head. "Quiet, you!"
Heh. Two peas in an intergalactic destroyer's pod, they are.
"But don't worry," S.L.K. said. "It'll all be over soon, thanks to
you. After
all, if you can't be bothered to lift a finger to save your best buddies to
stop
the end of the world, I suppose you've got something better in mind. Please,
tell me, I'd love to know your plan."
(palms face in frustration) About me being glad that S.L.K.'s more of a
nincompoop in this fic than in the last fic... I take it back.
"Because I have no sympathy for you. If you were me and had been
through all
I've been through, you'd have no sympathy for you, either.
Suggest: you, either --> you either
Why? Because you
won't do anything except feel sorry for yourself, you little whiny baby.
Heh. Well, he does have a point. And to think, it's this insensitivity of
S.L.K. that led to Carrot's creation of Insertion and his avatar self, which is
also an interesting point in and of itself.
use it anymore, then your spirit is your weapon! And that only gives out
when
you give up. But you're right: if you've already given up, you have no
weapons."
Wow. Sounds deep. Ignoring uncalled-for racist connotations, it sounds Mr.
Miyagi-like or Fortune Cookie-like, even. Does he do yoga?
a difference, now's the time to start." He gave her a casual two-finger
salute.
"Cheers."
Heh. Beats a one-fingered salute. And what a motivational speaker S.L.K. is,
despite the fact that he curiously reminds me of certain self-inserts out
there.
As S.L.K. approached Jadeite, the knight started toying with him.
"Hey, Jed!
Whassup?" He raised his hands raised in a feigned friendly manner.
Unless 'raised his hands raised' was used in a humorous manner (and it _is_ a
funny-looking sentence), suggest: had his hands raised in a feigned/raised his
hands in a feigned
S.L.K. looked emotionally hurt. "Not worth your time? After I kicked
your
lousy donkey around town and back that first time?
Heh. I see. So this S.L.K. still has some Atomic left in him, apparently, what
with him remembering past continuity et al. Too bad the censors got a hold of
him in this continuity... (shakes head) 'Donkey' my ass.
The Star Light Knight then took out a bucket of water, labeled "Spring
of
Drowned *CUTE* Girl."
Jadeite rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, please! Not that sorry old
trick again.
I'm immune to that now, thanks to our Great Leader."
Hmmm. And Jadeite knows of past continuity as well? Now that's just cheatin'.
No wonder the Generals were prepared this time around. They did learn from
their mistakes and carried over what they've learned in this new and exciting
fic universe.
to reveal a device with a digital counter on it, which was only a couple of
seconds away from zero. He took it out and thrust it up against the
general's
face. "THERMONUKE TO THE HEAD!!!"
And look here, he's going to use the last of his atomic-ness to...
The device fizzled and let out a puff of smoke.
Ah sou. So he really is S.L.K. sans A.
YES, Terra shouted within herself. Let's go further!
Deux ex machina, yo!
Terra's now tapping in on the power that a thousand protagonists have when
faced with a time of great need, endangered loved ones, and a crisis of epic
proportions. (for references, see the climactic scenes of the following:
Superman, Naruto, Yuyu Hakusho, Ranma 1/2, ad infinitum)
Well, seeing that she's practically Metallia or Orochi or <insert force of
nature here>, only stronger, it'd make sense for her to go to the
reality-bending route. Though the harder, more complex route you had her take
to accomplish is applause-worthy to boot.
Then Terra couldn't take it anymore. Her mind burned. However it
happened,
whether by expending effort to send her brain patterns back in time or by
actually changing the universe around her, it expended a lot of effort.
But of course, to keep things interesting, we have to keep in to use the plot
device to a minimum and involve some sort of limit to it or else we'll be
having yet another episode of Dragonball Z where Goku powers up and saves the
world yet again.
Despite the pain, Sailor Chibimoon refocused her determination. "NO,"
she
intoned, rising to her feet. "I WILL PROTECT THEM THIS TIME!" The power
within her flickered, but remained strong. She grasped time again and pulled
it to nearly a halt.
Wow. I feel myself cheering for a Sue. I thought I'd never see the day. ^_^ Her
'face' turn from being a 'heel' is certainly more believable and successful
than Randy Orton's, as far as I'm concerned. :P
The girl forced her legs to move faster as she sped toward her target.
Her
knees rattled and little by little her muscles snapped.
Ow. That's gonna leave a mark.
"Sailor Chibimoon, no!" Sailor Jupiter cried when she saw what state
her new
friend was in. "I'll get you for this, you--" Then she stopped when she
discovered that Nephrite was in far worse condition. "Oh, YECCH!"
So much for Naru's angsty-love with Nephrite, but then again she doesn't live
in Juuban anymore.
Terra cried out in pain again when she tried to move. "Oh, I paid for
that all
right," she said weakly. She would likely never walk again, for one thing,
and
she'd need to relearn how to write with her left hand. That is, provided she
survived.
Wow. A "Suethor" that knows conflict is infinitely more interesting than
exaggerated powers. Indeed, exaggerated powers plus conflict equals...
long-suffering Sue protagonists, that's what! ^^;
Jack Carver (Self-Extraction): Would you like us to put you out of your misery
now?
"Troublesome brat," Jadeite said, "now that you're done interfering.
I'll just
finish you all off now." He stuck out his hand and a long sharp crystal
sword
appeared in it. He raised it over Sailor Mars' head.
Go, Mars! Go Manga all over Jadeite's ass!
Then she remembered his words: "And when your body's broken and you
can't use
it anymore, then your spirit is your weapon!"
Well color me green and call me grasshopper... And here I was thinking S.L.K.
was merely saying some tired old quote about never giving up for sarcastic
purposes.
Before Jadeite stood a youngish woman that looked sort of like Terra,
dressed
in ancient Roman soldier-style garb. She wore a shining white breastplate,
armored skirt, plated boots, and a sparkling helmet with a gem at the
forehead.
Athena from SNK vs. Capcom Chaos?
"You people have said that before," spat Chibimoon, "but I stopped you
each
time."
The general looked her over battered form and said, "No, I really
think you're
done for this time."
Heh. I like your portrayal of Jadeite. More badass, and he doesn't even need a
Kame Hame Ha to prove his manliness. Less sight gags, more storytelling. I
can't believe this is a NETTG fic!
Chuck Norris: (_can_ believe that this is a NETTG fic)
What now?! Terra screamed at her mind. It had been so helpful thus
far, maybe
it had some sort of suggestion. Maybe she could make area-effect blastwaves.
Suggest: blast waves
Then Jadeite shrieked in surprise when a large spike of ice forced its
way out
his chest.
Mercury using Ice Spears? Only in SM fanfics, folks.
Dhiti (SM 4200): Well, it makes more sense than bubbles ever will!
"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGH!!!" A bolt of lightning struck the man, and
finally a
glowing golden disc impacted on his midsection. The area around him burned
bright with the tsunami of powers hitting him. Where the golden disc struck,
his chest and waist flowed away as they vaporized into ashes, followed by the
rest of his body.
"You're right," Terra coughed. "That WAS pretty funny."
Hehehe. Nice one.
Sailor Moon nodded. "You single-handedly defeated four of the Dark
Kingdom's
finest warriors!"
"Negamafoozles," Terra said derisively. "Gotta whack 'em, you see."
Awwww... How cute and touching. If she dies, then the whole point of this fic
is gone, which leads us to either A.) This fic series jumping the shark, or B.)
The gravitational pull of this fic's plot hole will overcome the quantum
boundary, eventually collapsing in on itself in an inimitable vortex before
vanishing into a singularity.
I would have liked to know them longer, she reflected. But dying a
heroine and
surrounded by friends didn't seem so bad after all.
Oh, and C.) The fic has just ended with the Mary Sue dying a very traditional
martyr death with friends and loved ones mourning her loss while readers
cheering on, glad for the fanservice of seeing her die. :P
...But I actually halfway like Chibispore Two, er, Terra now, so... Awwwwww.
Her death was genuinely sympathetic, as opposed to the forcefully heroic
run-of-the-mill Sue death.
---
Any regrets?
No.
Would you have liked to live longer?
Yes. Oh, yes.
Oh yeah. Then there's D.) Miraculous Protagonist Resurrection/Jesus Effect.
(see: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Superman, The Dark Knight Returns, Dragonball
Z, Pokemon, Urotsukidoji, ad infinitum)
Terra looked up at her and smiled. Here, everything was so warm and
peaceful.
After all that she'd been through, it would be very nice to have a break.
This would have been a hell of miniseries if it did end this way. Well, that's
it for this chapter. Despite all the nitpicks, it was a good one, and I
thoroughly enjoyed it.
Prose flowed reasonably well, and there were hardly any typos or grammar
errors, save Grammar Rule #0 and Grammar Rule #73, and both weren't even in the
story proper itself (they were in your beginning author notes). Again, we're
back to chapter 1's cleanness in regards to grammar and spelling. Or perhaps
it's just the halo effect of me liking the content of your fic more than the
earlier chapters such that it made me miss one or two corrections this time
around. Oh well, either case still speaks highly of you as an author, methinks.
This chapter was certainly worth a chuckle or thirteen, seeing the number of
'Heh' comments I've sprinkled profusely in the C&C. Also, despite me normally
gagging at Terra's inhuman feats (in spite the obvious toll she paid for it), I
did find myself willing to suspend my disbelief and see this chapter as Terra's
chance to shine and show her true abilities for the sake of her newfound
friends' sakes. It's the hardcore NETTG fan's fanservice chapter, it is. I now
see her as a true and viable protagonist and not just another avatar with a
sickeningly vast array of reality-bending powers (though she is, in essence,
exactly that) that doesn't have any right to be a protagonist. I mean, what's
the difference between her deux ex machinations and Sailor Moon's Ginzuishou or
Goku's myriad of Super Sayajin levels or Superman reversing the spin of the
world to turn back time? Not much, but more importantly, there's not much
difference between the motivations and drama behind these plot devices, which
gives these said plot devices all the more meaning.
What sold me to Terra's powers is the age-old, tried-and-true drama of making
the protagonist face a situation where the collective fates of his/her loved
ones are involved. The little past-reference with Queen Serenity and Terra was
also a nice touch. It was, for lack of a better term, somewhat touching. At
that point in time before she died, Terra grew up a little, and the fic was
made better because of that little bit of drama. Your slightly grown-up Terra
makes for an interesting main character (and a worthy one to take the helms of
main character in a fanfic to boot, unlike all the other Sue/Insert/Author
Avatar fics I've read), and it was a good idea to make S.L.K. and Jadeite
retain their memories of yesteryear to make their subsequent fight truly
interesting. It's also curious how they did it, so I'll be expecting an
in-story explanation sometime soon...
An author has once said that I critiqued his fic all wrong because I inherently
loathed the 'Superpowered Original Character that may or may not be the authors
themselves' Self-Insert genre, and the fact that I loved the improfanfic
'Self-Extraction' may lead further credence to that remark. Then again, I liked
this fic, and I daresay it's perfectly within the genre. So... nyaaah-nyaah. :P
I'm definitely looking forward for more. Hell, the mere fact that there are
more chapters after this (seemingly final) one is worth giving the rest of the
chapters a look. And, of course, do keep on writing.
Nakakamangha ang inyong abilidad sa panunulat,
Abdiel
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