On 28/11/2006, at 10:27 , Rann Aridorn wrote:
Title: The Dark Ocean (3/??)
Author: Rann Aridorn
Okay, so it's been a week or so since this was posted. My
apologies for the delay in commenting, but better late than
never (I hope)...
Notes: Hm. Though a lot happens in this part, I kept getting the sense
that there was something missing. Partly, I think, because I set
out to
write this because I was interested in writing about Shego's "animal
side", and a particular perspective. At this point, the story's gone a
little askew of that. I'm not necessarily unhappy with that, but I'm
hoping to do more with Shego and her new perceptions and her dark
ocean
in future parts. This one is mostly story and character development.
There are also a few rather citrusy bits, but I don't think it's
anything quite warranting a label as lime or lemon quite yet.
Agreed.
Legalish notes: All characters having appeared in Disney's Kim
Possible
are the property of Disney, and are used here without permission, but
with no intent for profit. All other characters are original and the
property of Rann Aridorn.
Not that it wouldn't be cool to see some of them on screen. :)
"Actually, it -is-," Wade said from his position at an open panel on
the other side of the Lava Tunneler, out of sight of the camera. He
sounded utterly mystified, face showing a mixture of shock and
confusion
as he leaned into view. "Well, not totally, but all the principles are
sound, it just needs some busywork.
Run-on sentence. Suggest making it a semicolon after "sound".
Shego was learning to go with her first, basic impression of what a
smell meant, that something basic in her seeming to know was the scent
of emotion.
This sentence ... seems to lose track half-way through, and doesn't
end up meaning a whole lot.
Dr. Director was pacing back and forth with such speed that it was
almost funny. She'd have run into her desk, if she hadn't already
apparently given it a good, solid shove, the piece of heavy metal
furniture sitting at an angle with papers knocked askew.
"already apparently" doesn't work together. Suggest dropping
"already".
"I want DNAmy loaded into one of the facility's escape pods, and
launched at exactly nine-thirty this evening. It takes two minutes for
it to make its sea landing. So at 9:33, if that pod isn't there, or I
detect anything that even makes me THINK of a GJ operative for two
hundred miles, the Lava Tunneler will be in the ground by 9:34."
Might perhaps read better as "two hundred miles around".
"Not to pry TOO much while you're being a Pouty Pumpkin," Shego
continued, starting to fall in behind Kim again. "But what was all
that
stuff about following your heart?"
again, "but
That spicy-sweet-musky smell was almost the only thing she could
smell
now. It filled her nose and mouth, seemed to seep down her throat like
maple syrup. Shego could feel her breathing getting shallow, her body
getting hot, trembling. Arousal. That's what that scent was. Kim being
turned on. Oh. Okay. Good to know.
Mmmmyeah. I guess so. :)
"Mm-hm." Kim slumped against the wall for a few more moments, before
making her way back over to the desk on wobbly legs and sinking
into the
chair. Stuffing was poking out from the holes Shego dug into the
ends of
the armrests. Kim shook her head a bit, trying to clear it, and took a
look at the blank viewscreen. She took one look at her reflection,
with
its rumpled hair, and black lipstick smeared all over her mouth and
even
migrating onto her cheeks, and burst into almost hysterical giggles.
the holes Shego had dug
Kim Possible playing at being a supervillain.
Though it was comforting to think she was only playing at it, perhaps
simply bluffing, Betty somehow doubted it. Kim had already shown
herself
unwilling to yield on the issue. Any attempt to push her into
giving up
just seemed to cause worse backlash. At this point, one of the
brightest
and most celebrated possible agents in almost two decades was
You might want to rethink the wording there. Saying "possible agents"
is just ... painful. :) Suggest "potential agents".
Or Kim might decide she liked the power, and getting her way through
threats, and her villainous girlfriend, and move on to full-scale
supervillainy.
Actually, that's shaping up to be one of the most interesting
elements of this story: Kim becoming (at least temporarily) a villain
-- and for credible, ideological reasons.
If I may digress for a moment on what's becoming a pet KP peeve: a
great many writers make the mistake, when writing kigo 'fics, of
domesticating Shego -- that is, of turning her "good" once she and
Kim get together. They miss the point that a domesticated Shego is
not really a very interesting character, and their stories suffer for
it.
You, on the other hand, appear to be taking things in the other
direction. I applaud you.
"Just Jacob, please. If I'm technically your evil minion, might as
well
call me by my first name," the former security guard said in a mild
tone.
I love it how they're all getting into this. ^_^
What was going on? Kim Possible had "gone villain", and here Shego
was,
at her side. And kissing her with a passion and depth that she'd never
felt for anyone else before. Why? Was it all part of what had happened
to her, some kind of animal reaction? There were vague
recollections of
something associated with Kim when she was in that mindless animal
state, the animal inside KNEW Kim, reacted to her. But was that all
it was?
Another run-on sentence. Suggest a semicolon or period after
"animal state".
"Because if I'm going to have to spend time around you two, I want to
be able to pick out one or the other to tell stuff too, much of a hive
mind as you've got going." Shego re-folded her arms over her chest,
giving the twins a stern look.
I think the word "too" is superfluous here.
"Please and thank you." Kim shut the channel, then hurried off
down the
hallway towards the landing area. Before she got there, she forced
herself to slow up, turn her steps into longer strides, and tuck her
hands behind her back. Being a supervillain demanded a certain
amount of
panache, after all.
*snicker*
Wade bent over his keyboard a moment, then sucked in a breath, before
raising his head. "... Eighty. And fifty of them are kids from an
exchange program"
Missing period.
"Because you'll be injected with one of these." Dr. Director slid the
island picture behind another glossy photo, this one of what looked
like
a white robot spider floating in something yellow. "It's a tiny robot
that will swim through your body, attaching itself to different vital
organs. Moving around, to keep you from risking trying to dig it out.
Not only will it allow us to keep track of your position down to one
square foot, if at any time you disobey an order or go outside the
mission parameters you've been given, it will detonate with a charge
that I've been assured even you can't heal from in time to ward off
death."
"... Snazzy," the pink-haired woman said in a dry tone.
"There's no middle ground on this, Punk. You do what we say, when we
say it, and you get to spend the rest of your life in an exile that
most
people would think of as a tropical vacation. If you say no, I step
outside of this cell, the door closes, and it -never- opens again.
It's
that simple."
Punk looked down at her hands and flexed her fingers. She almost
wanted
to say no. Just to deny that the spunky, smiling girl she'd known
fifteen years ago hadn't turned into the politics-minded,
all-or-nothing, heartless administrator that was standing in front of
her and talking to her in a voice that sounded like the one she'd
spent
nights dreaming of hearing again, but drained of life.
...Yeah. I think Dr. Director has just sacrificed any remaining
claim she might have had to the moral high ground, actually.
A nice dramatic end. As before, I'll be looking forward to the next
chapter...
Cheers,
Angus
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angus MacSpon Email: macspon@ihug.co.nz
ICQ: 65719513 http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/
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