Some occasional comments just so nobody wonders whether I'm still alive.... As
always, these are just the opinionated remarks of one reader who doesn't like
much anyway, so take them for whatever they're worth.

"Ben Jernigan" <selfemployedninja@gmail.com> wrote:

Nabiki started the tape playing. She had gotten it from one of her factors,
a girl in the schools jouranism club. Apparently, someone working for the

school's journalism club
(or)
school journalism club

The interviewer's voice was muffled and indistinct. Presumably, they had
their questions written down and didn't need to record them.

Presumably, he had his questions written down
(or)
Presumably, she had her questions written down

Don't use "they" to refer to a single person (or even a married one). There's
only one interviewer. If you don't want to pick a gender, you can use "he or
she" or you can try to reword it to avoid using pronouns altogether; either of
these might end up sounding a bit clumsy, but that's better than being outright
wrong.

The best answer is simple: I love the old bastard. No matter what he does,
he's my father. I love him. Liking him is tricky at times, but love is
constant.

"The best

When the same speaker continues throughout several paragraphs, put an opening
quote at the beginning of each paragraph, but don't put an ending quote until
the person is finally finished speaking. Example:

"Blah, blah," said Ranma, "and blah.

"Furthermore," he continued, "blah, blah, and blah."

Look for this elsewhere -- I won't point out every instance.

Sometimes, I even respect him. Sure, he's sloppy and greedy, and thinks with
his stomach more often than his head, but he's never been cruel to me for
the sake of cruelty. It's always been incedental. And heck, I don't think so
good when I'm hungry, either. But for a long time he was the only role model
and friend I had. "

                  ^
Remove the extra space before the end quote.

There is a pause on the tape, as the reporter asked an unheard question.

There was a
(you're writing in past tense; be consistent)

Long ago, he sat me down and told be point-blank: Ranma, there will be many

and told me

days ahead when you will hate me boy. There will be times when I will have

hate me, boy.
("Boy" indicates who is being spoken to, so it must be set off by a comma.)

to make choices not as your father, but as your sensei. Through it all,
never forget that I love you boy, and I am doing this for the sake of the

love you, boy, and
(same here)

"The Art. Forget the bhudda, forget the kami. The Art was our god, and our

Buddha,

Apparently the reporter leaned forward, because at this point a female voice
can be heard saying, "Why not?"

voice could be heard
(past tense)

"We don't really talk about it much, but I know that Saotome was my Mother's

my mother's

Don't capitalize relations unless they're used as names (e.g. "Hi, Mom.")

name. Pops didn't have a name when they married.

GENMA: What about "Genma"?

RANMA: I mean besides that.

He was taken in as an
orphan by the old freak. He was raised from a very early age to have no
morals at all and to capitalize on the limitations of others. It was the
stories told of Samurai and heroes of old where Genma first learned the
concept of honor. Stories told by a foolish young runaway named Soun Tendo,
who had taken up under Happosai to avoid an arranged marriage his parents
were forcing him into.

Now there's a story in itself.

SOUN: Yes, I *do* know the meaning of the word "hypocrite." Why do you ask?

"Yeah, the cat thing really sucked, but apart from the age thing, can you
really say it's worse than any other training regimen around here? Ryoga got
pounded with boulders to learn the Breaking Point. I had to stick my hands
in Fire when they were super-sensitive to learn the Chestnuts Roasting on an
Open fire attack. The Rising Dragon Ascension Wave involved Cologne hitting
me a lot with that damn staff of hers. To get any kind of power, great
effort and often, great pain is required. "

                                          ^
Extra space.

"So yeah, Pops is a pain and all, but he's MY pain. No one else gets to
pound him. Excpet Ukyo, and that other girl, what's her name? oh, and Mom,

Should I know which other girl he's talking about? I don't think he'd forget
Shampoo or Kodachi's name (both of them pounded Genma during the "Nodoka's ring"
story).

and Akane once in a while, and I think Mr. Tendo has hit him a few times....
"

Move the end quote to the end of the previous line -- it shouldn't be on its own
line.

The recording fades out, and the tape stops. Nabiki smirked and made a few

faded

stopped.

(past tense)

i got tired of seeing so many Genma-bashing fics so I decided to put this
together. I have a turbulent relationship with my father in real life, so it
was pretty easy to get into Ranma's head here. Hope ya like it.

While I agree completely with your characterization of Ranma and Genma's
relationship, I don't think this fic was the best vehicle to showcase it. It
reads less like a story and more like just an explanation of your ideas.

Try to tell less and show more. Try to come up with a situation in which Ranma's
love for Genma is tested by circumstances, where it becomes important, maybe
makes the difference in helping one or the other get out of trouble or
accomplish some goal. Remember that Ranma doesn't necessarily understand how he
feels deep down, and even if he does he isn't necessarily going to explain it to
someone who asks. It's the important decisions that characters make when push
really comes to shove that show what they really feel.

If nothing else, Nabsy needs a reason to be in the story. Show some reason why
she's interested in Ranma's relationship with his father, or some change in her
attitude or behavior that results from her learning what she learns here.

Hope this helped, and good luck with your writing.



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