I apologize for my earlier reply.  I overreacted and shall attempt to give
you some decent C&C for this fic.
On 8/15/06, Cute Neko Hibiki <wbanks@jam.rr.com> wrote:

Disclaimer : They're not mine.



The Big Choice

by

Cute Neko Hibiki



    Ranma stood silently in the empty lot next door to the Tendo Dojo, if
anyone would show up.
He had invited all those who felt or had decided they  had the right to
marry him.

Okay... bit of a cliche opening.... but it's your fic.

    He looked up and saw someone and said "Enter." in a frigid tone.

    "Ranma..."

    "Akane. Make yourself comfortable." he said indicating the lawn chairs
he  had set up.

    Akane shrugged and sat in a lawn chair.

    Ranma watched as Akane sat in the lawn chair looking at him now. 'What
did I ever see in
her?' he thought.

Akane bashing much?  Not as blatant as some fics, but still a bash.

    Ranma continued to wait. 'Man, they're late.'

    Ranma glanced towards the street as he heard a "Ra-...Ran-chan".

    'About time Ukyo.' he thought.

    "Come on in and have a seat." said Ranma.

    Ukyo walked onto the lot and blinked at all the lawn chairs and then
sat
uncomfortably next to
Akane. 'I wonder what Ranma meant when he said he had "made the big
choice"?' thought
Ukyo as she watched Ranma.

 Alright Ukyo's here.  Seemingly OOC...

    "Nihao, Arien!" Shampoo called as she bounded onto the lot moments

behind Ukyo. "You
choose me?!"

    Ranma laughed. "Sit down Shan Pu, now!"

    Shampoo blinked, and quickly sat in a lawn chair.

    The three "true" fiancees were here, but Ranma would wait.

Shampoo seems to be IC, nice job on that part.

    The girls sat there and Ukyo and Shan, getting somewhat bored, pulled

out  their pokeballs
and started a pokemon battle.

    'Sheesh.' thought Ranma. 'Is fighting all they can do?'

    "Wait a minute." he mumbled to himself. "Where the Heck did they get
Pokemon?"

You know, that's my question too.  If you're going to introduce random
things into the fic, and its not a spamfic you need to explain where it's
coming from.

    Slowly other people showed up.

    Genma and Soun were drunk and laughing. They expected an Akane choice
right  now.

    The Kunos were there too. Ukyo and Shan ignored them and concentrated
on
their pokebattle.

    Some of the other guests were blink blinking at this. They wondered
when
Ukyo and Shan had
become Pokemon Trainers.

Another thing is you seem to be telling a lot more than showing.  The fic
could easily be expanded into a multi-chapter fic if you give a backstory
and all.  Or at least described a few details.

    Ranma had not spoken a word to anyone since Ukyo and Shan had started

their Pokemon
Battle. He looked over at them and saw Shan's Vulpix breathe out fire
attacks in the shape of
mini bonbari and Ukyo's Pikachu retaliated with an attack of mini spatulas
made out of
electricity.

    The guests also began to wonder why Ranma appeared to be so calm when
they all
knew that he could be causing allot of trouble with what he had to say
today. Ranma knew
there would be trouble, several people would be hurt and others were going
to be confused.

    'Man will they.' , he thought.

    'Hmmm, I'm already confused. Where the Hell did Ukyo and Shan get
Pokemon?'

Yeesh.  Ranma seems a little OOC.

    Ranma glanced around the lot one last time as he prepared to speak. "I

am glad to see that all
who received my letter showed up. I would also like to thank you for being
patient, civilized,
while you waited. Well except for Ukyo and Shan who are currently using
what
should be
anime characters to battle each other. Where the hell did they get those
things?! Anyway as I
said in my letter I have made my big choice. And by that I mean that I
have
decided to whom I
will formally propose to, after that I am no longer an eligible bachelor.
This means that
anyone else who felt that they could claim me without my consent will be
beaten to within an
inch of life. I am not joking, I am not trying a new technique, this is
real
and this is final. And
... oh my god! Would you look at that!"

    The reason for Ranma's last sentence was plain to see.

    Ukyo and Shan had started their pokemon to attacking each other and
both
of Ukyo's and Shan's shirts were now ripped completely apart. Their
'assets'
were now plainly visible.

Well that's disturbing.  I didn't notice that  on my first readthrough.
Doesn't make the read that much better.

    Ryoga took one look and got a goofy look on his face, made weird noises,

and passed out with a nosebleed.

    "Hey mate, what's all the ruckus?" said/asked a voice in a shadowy
area.
Ranma looked
over and saw a blonde guy in jeans and a leather jacket.

    "Hiya Spike." he said. "What are you doing here?"

And when the heck did this become a BTVS cross?  And how does Ranma know
Spike?

    "Oh I've got something important to tell you and ... hey are those

pokemon?" Spike said
pointing to the pokemon battle and Ukyo and Shan who were now wrestling
each
other.
"Wow!" said Spike who drifted off toward the battle to watch the pokemon
and
also Ukyo's and
Shan's naked breasts.

    The lot was utterly silent as all this went on and then Ranma stepped
towards the crowd. He
reached behind his back and pulled out a small black box. Finding his
beloved he bowed on
one knee and opened the box. He then poured cold water on his head. He
became Ranma-chan
for this.

    "Will you marry me, Kaiou Michiru?"

    Michiru looked startled. Then she blushed. And finally accepted.

    The women fiancees just stared at her, at the cute green-haired
violinist, and then figured out
what they had done.

I know when she came in, but there is no backstory for this.

    Then all Hell broke loose. Literally.

    Spike had gotten distracted by Ukyo and Shan and had forgotten to warn
Ranma that the Hellmouth under Nerima was about to open. Everybody was
shocked to see the demons. Well except for Ryoga who was still passed out,
Ukyo and Shan who had went from wrestling to 'other activities' and Spike
who was watching their 'activities' and grinning, staring, and drooling.

And this last paragraph is what takes the cake for the reason I overreacted
in my earlier e-mail.  There is no background for having Spike in the fic,
thus there is no Background for the Hellmouth.

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Final Comments: Well, my original reply was nothing more than a flame and
for that I apologize.  However, without good explanation for where every
cross in this fic came from, it cannot stand alone as anything more than a
spamfic.  Your writing is grammatically correct, the spelling is also
correct, but you tend to tell rather than show.  This is a problem for any
aspiring fanfic writer.  If you were to think out where and when the crosses
are coming from, other than "Hey it'd be cool to have this here," then the
fic would be that much better for it.

However, ironically my flame still sort of stands.  I really hope you wrote
this as a spamfic and not a serious attempt at a fic.



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