Much later than intended, also meaning I fail my 'one a week, minimum'
promise on C&Cing. I blame faulty internet connection.
ATTENTION: This C&C is provided AS-IS, meaning once you break the
seal, you accept the EULA and understand that all C&C is your property
to deal with or discard as you see fit. All thoughts and opinions
expressed within this message not quoted are the property of the
originator, despite what may appear to be later and frequent denials.
Please note the 'I was drunk when I said that!' clause on page IIIIX
of your manual.
In English: My comments may or may not be useful. If they don't help,
don't use 'em. ;)
On 7/1/06, StudioPC <studiopc@sbcglobal.net> wrote:
Disclaimer: Moldiver is the property of Pioneer, inc. No money is
being made from this and no such intent should be inferred.
Additional Material is drawn from and inspired by "Moon With A View"
by Richard C. Hoagland, and "Above Top Secret" by Timothy Good.
Are these other fics? Or novels?
Note: I was going to respond to all the C&C induvidually, but that's
just not possible, so let me say thank you and that your suggestions
helped enormously.
I'm hoping I was in that. ;)
Mol-energy crackled around them as Machinegal clamped his hands
around Mirai's neck and began to squeeze. His bony knees pressed into
her stomach and his eyes were mad.
I move that we see some more emotive energy in his eyes. 'Bulging
wildly' perhaps? Or maybe 'narrowed in rage'?
"First," he snarled, "The X eighty-five, then Tokyo Tower, and now
you. It's a pity this was all so easy, or I might feel a sense of
satisfaction!"
snarled, "The --> snarled. "The -(or)-> snarled, "the
Probably the latter, actually.
She struggled in vain to break his grip one handed while she felt up
and down his bare back, trying to find . . . the lights were dimming?
Couldn't breathe.
one handed --> one-handed
(I think -- not sure)
BEEEEEEEEEP!
* * * *
"GAH!" Mirai sat up straight in bed, her chest heaving as she gasped
for air, a shrill beep ringing in her ears.
We don't need a scene separator here. I mean, you aren't wrong to use
one, but we've already got the alarm clock going off (it's an alarm
clock, right? I C&C on-the-fly, so I haven't actually read this one
yet), and you can say that it's intentionally jarring. I mean, what's
more jarring than a nightmare so bad it wakes you? :)
Again the shrill beep and she realized it was the terminal in her
sleeping area on board the ISCS "Daniel Boone".
I'd suggest adding a 'sounded' between shrill and beep. Or 'trilled' or.... ;)
'Even out here, three months from Earth, the dreams haunt me,' Mirai
thought bitterly as she padded naked across the room to the terminal,
which beeped at her again.
To avoid repetition (though, this is hardly required), you can also
use 'buzzed' or 'rang' or the like to replace 'beeped'.
"Oh shut up," she muttered. After all this time, she still hadn't
gotten used to the beeps and whistles that seemed to accompany any
form of communication except for face to face conversations.
Mirai: "Why do they all use ICQ? It's a freaking space-ship!"
Hiroshi: "I don't mind, I get to show off my mere 9 digit ICQ number!"
The cause of the beeps was an e-mail from Hiroshi telling her to come
see him in Lab F-9, where he'd spent almost all his waking hours.
Heh!
Mirai gave some thought to going back to bed, but the horror of her
nightmare still loomed before her. She shook her head and got dressed
in a T-shirt, loose pants and soft booties.
before -- behind (or around, maybe?)
Can also drop the 'got', and the 'ie' from 'booties'.
Cabins on the "Daniel Boone" were on one deck and comprised of two
sleeping areas bracketing a common area containing a few chairs, a
kitchenette, and access to the hallways. Each sleeping area boasted a
bathroom with a sonic shower, the military's sole concession to privacy.
Wait. There's only two bedrooms on the entire ship? So, like a
commons for men, and another for women? Also, I think the customary
term for space-faring vessels in sci-fi is 'quarters'.
Either way, the critic moves for clarification, your honor.
Tying her hair back, Mirai padded through the common room she shared
with Hiroshi and and out into the hall. Nodding hello to a few other
members of the crew, who knew her as Mirai Oshii, suit test pilot,
she took the lift down three levels to the lab deck.
If this is particularly relevant, as in, the vast majority of the crew
doesn't know she's the one using the Mol-Unit, I'd suggest adding an
'only' before 'as Mirai...'.
As far as most of the crew knew, this was a routine survey and
mapping mission. "Doctor" Hiroshi Oshii and his sister Mirai were
onboard to test a new suit design in the Harsh enviroment of Saturn's
moons. It was close enough to the truth to keep the story straight,
and just enough untruth to protect the siblings from curious
crewmembers. In theory, anyway.
Ah. Yes. Your honor, the critic moves that the last suggestion
stand, if it pleases the court.
Also:
Harsh --> harsh
And I think you want a 'contained' before 'just enough' in the
second-to-last sentence.
Lab F-9 was more commonly known as "The Pond". This was because
Hiroshi had three assistants; Two ratings and an ensign from
engineering who followed him around like ducklings to their mother.
In fact, Hiroshi's nickname among the crew was "Momma Duck", a fact
he stoically ignored.
Two -- two
Ratings?
"You wanted to see me, Hiroshi?" Mirai asked. Nearby, one of the
ratings looked up from her work, smiled and then her eyes dropped to
Mirai's chest for just a moment. Then she blushed and looked back at
her terminal.
smiled and then --> smiled, and then (I think)
Mirai hid a smile. She had a strong hedonistic streak (though she
would have given it up for the chance to spend the rest of her life
with Karou Misaki) and the rating wasn't unattractive, but she had
other things on her mind. 'Maybe on the way back to Earth,' she
thought to herself as she tapped Hiroshi on his head. "Hiroshi?"
Wow. Much more liberal than I remember her being. Nothing wrong with
that, though. It's been years. :p
"What? Oh! Yes, Mirai! Yes. Yes . . ." he adjusted his glasses. "Why
did I want to see you?"
." he --> ." He
That dialogue doesn't lead into prose; there's no speech-indicator there.
A that moment, the com crackled to life. "Your attention. Your
attention please. Doctor Hiroshi Oshii and Pilot Mirai Oshii to the
bridge conference room. That is all."
I _think_ there should be a pause between 'attention' and 'please',
but it's dialogue, so that may not be true in this instance.
"Oh!" Hiroshi exclaimed, "the captain was going to tell us when the
probe ship started sending data back."
exclaimed, "the --> exclaimed. "The
Captain Abe Jensen was a big man. Under his uniform coverall, he
fairly bulged with muscle, giving the impression he could have picked
up the Daniel Boone and thrown it all the way to Saturn.
Major Amstrong: After Full Metal Alchemist, I got this gig. Pay's descent!
Mirai nodded to him and to the First Officer, Commander Oshii, and
the Science officer, Doctor Wayne. She was however puzzled at the
other person in the room; a large, brutish looking man with a jaw
that suggested he ate hull plating for breakfast.
For some reason, I'm seeing Baron Werner �nderbheit, here.
Also, is this Oshii any relation to Mirai or Hiroshi?
He wore the uniform
of the Spaceforce Marines, and an unlit cigar was clamped between his
teeth.
Okay, now it's Brock Sampson.
Mirai's first boyfriend had been the son of a Marine and he'd
taught her how to "read" the uniform. Then he'd gone and cheated on
her with Haruhi Gion, the bitch. Still, Mirai had gotten the last
laugh; her chest had turned out to be twice as big as Haruhi's and
she'd taken great pleasure in humiliating him when he tried to get
back together with her.
Ah, the critic would like to ask the jury if a comma is appropriate to
be placed before that first 'and'.
And I'd suggest a separate paragraph for Mirai's digression.
Tearing herself away from pleasant memories, she read the man's
uniform. He was Sergeant Major and the hash marks on his sleeve said
that he'd been in the Marines for over thirty years. Mirai was
impressed. She knew career soldiers were a rarity in this day and
age, so it was always weird to meet one. Mirai had thought about the
military in high school, but then she'd acted in a play and never
looked back.
*snrk*
"It could be latent geothermal energy," Hiroshi suggested. "Some kind
of volcanic activity."
Suggest adding a, "like Io," since Hiroshi seems the type to reference
a precedent, and there is one here. Merely a suggestion, mind.
"That's what we thought," Wayne said. "But then the probe found
these." The holo displayed what was clearly an artificial structure
rising out of the surface. It was coated in dust and pitted by
impacts, but there was no way it was some kind of rock formation.
Your honor, the critic requests clarification again, with grounds as
indicated in the 'Show, Don't Tell' act, re. Palmer, Liefker, and
Lawson, 190x.
What kind of structure is it that it's clearly artificial? Does it
contain obviously unnatural projections? Winking lights? Arches and
curves that erosion couldn't explain? Maybe something as simple as it
interrupting the local patterns of craters? Perhaps it's an obviously
different material? I'm not sure; you don't really say. :/
"Then insertion team will be examining that if they can penetrate to
the interior," Wayne said.
I'm not quite sure what Wayne's saying, here.
Commander Oshii leaned forward. "We've designated the towers One
through Six with One being the westernmost tower. That said, One has
an open door and the interior is large enough to accommodate one of
our combat shuttles. Ms Ozora will accompany Alpha, Beta, and Delta
Ms --> Ms.
Squadrons under Sergeant Griswold's command on a short range
excursion into the interior of the structure and recon the immediate
and --> to
vicinity. If the interior accessway is blocked, they will fall back
to the shuttle and return to the Boone. Epsilon and Ro Squadrons will
remain with the shuttle to secure it and if necessary, cover a
withdrawal. Depending on what you find in there, we'll develop an
additional exploration strategy."
Oshii: "You may have to run. Feel free to ad-lib that part, 'cause I
ain't figuring it out."
Mirai: "Talk about incentive to not need to run."
"Any questions?" Jensen asked. There was none. "And now we get down
to the fine details. Doctor Wayne, you first."
was -- were
The crew took the news that they were here to investigate an alien
structure very calmly. When she wondered about how they could do
that, Griswold explained that soldiers had been dealing with this
since there had been soldiers to begin with. The higher-ups never
told you everything. Ever. You learned to live with it.
Heh!
Free time became a luxury few could afford. Hiroshi virtually lived
in the Duck Pond and Mirai spent most of her waking time training
with the Marines and learning the things she would need to know if
they had to fight. Mirai could get afford to get in the Marines' way;
nothing they had could hurt her. They didin't have that luxury, so
she had to know what they would be doing so she could keep clear.
Why is Hiroshi's time all occupied now? Is he working on finishing
something? It's not like he's gotten his hands on an artifact to
study. Or is he just going over what their scanners have shown?
Finally, the time came. In the Duck Pond and behind a screen, Mirai
peeled off her clothing. Carefully, she inserted the com-link into
her ear and plugged it into the Mol-unit before rasing it high over
her head. "Metamorforce!" she cried out and the unit flared to life.
out and --> out, and
She grinned at them and gave them a V for victory sign. Then walked
out of the Duck Pond.
Not sure that last sentence flows, your honor. May we consult with the jury?
Star watched her go, and tried not to drool.
Hiroshi: "An automated sponge. Put that on the to-be-invented-list."
The assault shuttle Dadelus was crowded. There were more then fifty
Marines, plus Mirai, and four combat mecha crammed into the troop
hold and it wasn't that comfortable. Fortunately, they were only
there for the time it took the Dadelus to leave the "Daniel Boone"
and cover the two hundred miles to the insertion point.
Why doesn't Dadelus enjoy the signifiers that the Danny Boy does?
I'm not sure what to suggest for this paragraph; it's somewhat
crowded. Maybe some expansion, here?
Mirai listened as the shuttle's landing gear made contact with the
interior of the tower and locked in the mag grapples. Then were a
series of thunks and and hisses as the Dadelus deployed weapons.
I'm assuming that this means that the shuttle is opening
weapons-ports, which it probably should have done after atmospheric
entry, or just 'earlier' if there is no atmosphere.
"Sorry?" she said, still speaking English, "I didn't catch that.
You're quacking up. Some kind of interference."
English, "I -- English. "I
And, aww.... That's kinda mean of her. Poor Hiroshi.
Tho ... heh! What can this girl _not_ get away with? :p
Several Marines were grinning now. "I think she's right," one of the
Marines said, trying not to laugh. "There's definitely some beaking
up on this frequency."
the Marines --> them
"King Frog here," Jensen broke in. "Let's all stop picking on Momma
Duck, shall we? The pond has enough clownfish." His voice turned
serious. "Dadelus Insertion, sound off, final equipment check."
Your honor, is 'Insertion' part of the operation name? Should it be
capitalized?
"Mirai, clear. All green," Mirai said. She pulled on the cam headset
over her helmet and settled it into place. The headset also mounted
its own light. The mol-unit could gather and transmit basic
enviroment data, but not audio or visual, so the headset was vital if
the "Daniel Boone" wanted to see and hear what she saw and heard.
Just in case. All the Marines had one, though theirs was built into
their suits.
theirs was --> theirs were
"Daniel Boone, this is Dadelus control." The shuttle pilot's voice
was brisk. "Depressurizing assault bay in five. Four, three, two, and
one." There was a hissing noise that faded away. "Bay depressurized,
doors opening. Good hunting, gentlemen."
Your honor, since the crew seems mixed gender (and not just because of
Mirai, unless I'm getting the wrong impression), would 'team' be more
appropriate than 'gentlemen'?
"Mecha two and four on point," Griswold snapped. "Delta, back them,
Beta on rear with mecha one and three. Move out!"
Why are the mecha 'one', 'two', 'delta', and 'beta'?
The Mechas were roughly nine feet tall, bipedal, and mounted a
combination anti-tank laser cannon and missile launcher on the right
and a powerful grasping claw on the left. They didn't so much walk as
they sort of stepped purposefully, the lights on the gun, the chest,
and the head illuminating the tunnel. Frost was everywhere.
Should Mechas be capitalized?
Hm. Frost suggests that there is, or was, some kind of atmosphere at
some point.
Meanwhile, the Marines, dressed in armored spacesuits, carried heavy
guns, also with spotlights and they swung them about at random, ready
to fire.
What? But ... the Marines in Doom III don't have 'flashlight and gun
at the same time' technology! How can this be!?
Also, your honor, that paragraph is unweildly. I move that it be
chopped up into a few more sentences.
"Basic search tactic," Griswold explained to Mirai. "If we moved the
lights in a pattern, it would be easy to stay where the lights
weren't. This way, it's harder to hide in the shadows from us. You
never know when the light will swing your way."
This tells me that there's vastly more shadow than light. Are they in
an open area? Or are there ventilation shafts, grates, open access
panels, etc., that make the hallway impossible to saturate? Why don't
they have anything like floodlamps, or low-light vision?
On impulse, Mirai knelt and tore away a section of ice and dust.
Underneath was some sort of carpeting, soft, and slightly springy.
Which was really weird given the age of this place.
'really weird' looks kind of awkward in prose, your honor.
"Loud and clear, Griswold," Jensen replied. "Sitrep."
If they're seeing it, why would they want a situation report? Why not
just say, "Thoughts?"
"Copy that, Griswold, can you get the doors open and continue?"
This should be two separate sentences.
The metal crumpled in her hand, ice flying everywhere as the portal
widened.
Right, this makes sense.
On the other side of the doors, the tunnel was barely tall enough for
the mechs. Some kind of pots were stationed at regular intervals
along the wall under small horizontal rods attached to the walls. An
examination of the rods showed that they were lights, burnt out for
eons. In between the pots, also attached to the walls, were paintings
of landscapes, or strange cities.
Your honor, I suggest that you use 'mecha' or 'mechs', but generally,
not both in the same fic.
Also, if the frost was thick enough to conceal something as textured
as a spongy carpet, how does it let them identify something as flat as
a painting? Perhaps a note that the frost seems thicker towards the
floor?
"What do you make of this, Sarge?" One of the Marines asked, pointing
his rifle at one of the paintings.
I'd suggest using 'A' marine instead of 'one of', since we've got a
'one of' later.
Mirai went over and looked at it. It was a city in a jungle with a
rounded mountain or hill in the background. There was a sort of
Ancient Egypt air about their shape, but some of the towers reminded
her of the photos of Incan and Mayan ruins in her Father's books.
Egypt -- Egyptian
Abruptly, the tunnel ended, widening out into a vast room. They
walked along a large balcony that overlooked the main floor. To their
right were five more tunnels, evenly spaced at about sixty meters.
All had doors that were shut tight. To the left, a set of seven
stairs led down to the main floor. From there, curving low walls
directed the eye to a set of metal gates. There was perhaps sixteen
was --> were
of them. Eight had small podiums in front of them, the other eight
had podiums behind them. At the center of the gates was a square of
counters. Each counter bore three terminals and signs written in some
strange language.
Three signs? Your honor, the court may find the words 'various' or
'multiple' useful here. Not that I'm trying to usurp your position or
anything.
Overhead, the ceiling rose in a sort of pyramid. The four sides of
the pyramid were what was probably vid screens, emitting a faint blue
glow.
Your honor, 'were what was' makes me cringe. No further statements.
"There's still power here," one of the marines noted. "After all this
time, the bill must be huge. Bastards should be glad they're all
dead. i wouldn't want to pay it."
i --> I
It's a hall of blue-screened monitors! Before there was good, before
there was evil ... before order, but not before chaos ... there was
... MICROSOFT!
"What the hell is this place?" One of the mech pilots demanded.
Dialogue leads into prose; your honor, I move that this 'One' become a 'one'.
"Use your eyes, Chase," Angus snorted. "The decor aint military and
and a military checkpoint wouldn't be so big. Too hard to defend if
and and --> and
"Not bad, Angus," Griswold said. "Now how about you use that Ph.D of
yours and figure out how to get the Mechs through those gates.
Angus: "I brought sixteen blocks of C-4. They lack the explosive
power of your basic
shojou heroine, though.
Mirai: "I'm not sure I'm appreciating that remark. Though, it does
seem to be true."
Noticing Mirai's confused look, a nearby female marine leaned over.
Mirai wasn't a marine, but she'd earned some respect in training. "He
really does have a Ph.D," she said. "Got it when he was fifteen in
drive mechanics. But he's an adrenaline junkie so he enlisted in the
Marines and joined the Angels of Mercy."
Your honor, I submit 'in drive mechanics when he was fifteen' as a
potential substitution.
Mirai swallowed. Everyone had heard of the Angels of Mercy Regiment.
Schoolchildren as young as six could be found pretending that they
were Angels, fighting pirates. They were highly trained, combat
vetrans, and uneqauled in combat.
vetrans --> veterans
unequaled --> unequalled
Repetition of combat, too. How about 'High trained, skilled veterans,
and had never been known to lose a skirmish', or something like that?
would never survive the trip to sickbay and couldn't be stabilized.
Mercy kills. It was the last bit that gave them their name. Misaki,
Your honor, I move that 'Mercy kills.' be given its own paragraph for emphasis.
"Yup," the Marine answered. "We all are. Fourth company, third
battalion. Also known as the Bronze Barbarians of the Angels of Mercy."
Heh.
a panic attack. If there was anyone better suited to be exploring a
potentially dangerous artificial moon of unknown origin, Mirai
couldn't think of them.
Hiroshi: "What, you can't think of yourself?"
Mirai: "Hedonism doesn't mean I'm self-centered, you know."
Angus' solution was direct. He had Mirai tear out three of the gates
on the entrance to make room for a Mech to pass one at at time,
single file.
Heh! Called it. :p
Angus and three other marines ran forward and disappeared into the
gloom.
The leader should have some sort of HUD on his visor to see through
their eyes, as it were. Command can, why can't he? And Mirai could
be patched into it, too, couldn't she?
Just a thought; they may have reasons for not using ultratech, if
hightech will do.
"I suspect they're status lights," Angus said. "Green probaly means
there's asmotsphere on the other side."
asmotsphere --> atmosphere
"Maybe there is," Mirai said and triggered her flight field. "I've
only done this once before and I'm not sure how I did it. "She tossed
Griswold her headset and began to adjust her density controls.
it. "She --> it." She
This seems needlessly risky on multiple levels; she's not in enough
danger to warrant it immediately. Whatever's there has apparently
been fine for 40k years, so a few more days shouldn't hurt. And this
is compounded by the fact that she should be holding back unless she
has to.
"I said SHUT IT!" Mirai screamed as she phased through the door.
Hmmm....
Teareal sighed happily and pulled Lorin closer. His lips on her neck
felt so good and then she bit down a snarl of frustration as his hand
rested tentatively on her breast. Why was it so hard for men to get
the idea? She'd let him undo and open her outer robe, how much more
of a clue did he need?
Hel-lo NURSE!
....
Your honor, I would like to mention that this file doesn't appear to
have a [lime] tag.
Suggest replacing that second 'and' with a 'but'.
Instead, she let out a low moan and guided his hand --he had such
long fingers -- to the fasteners of her inner robe. Slowly, he began
to undo the clasps one handed. Such clever fingers!
Again, I think it's "one-handed". Not sure, though!
In the back of her mind, she supposed he might be a little nervous.
Not only because her Grandfather was the Senior Elder, but because
they were on the engine shield of a transport parked at the edges of
the Dead Zone.
Grandfather isn't being used in leiu of a proper name; it should not
be capitalized in this instance. Senior Elder can be, at your
discretion.
Teareal and Lorin stared at her. She stared back, mouth open, and
then raised one hand in some sort of gesture. "Ano . . ."
Your honor, you don't have any 'sans' or 'kuns' or 'sensei's, so why
do we now have an 'ano'?
"YEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Lorin
screamed. At first, Teareal thought the strange being was attacking
him somehow and then he ran for the transport's cab and fumbled out a
blaster.
Suggest a comma before the first 'and'.
Lorin!" Teareal said, "wait, I think --" The figure lowered its hand
and Lorin screamed again, firing one shot. It was all he had time
for. In the blink of an eye, the being was suddenly in front of them,
ripping the blaster from Lorin's hand.
said, "wait --> said. "Wait
Though, I'd make 'said' into 'exclaimed', perhaps.
Did she already resolidify?
"An'ta baka?" it said, glaring as it stepped back and crumpled the
blaster into a ball. "Tadi no gna chou wou." It dropped the blaster
to the floor where it landed with a thunk.
An'ta --> Anta (if you must -- just saying that they can only hear
gibberish should really do just fine)
Lorin let out another scream and grabbing Teareal's hand, shoved her
into the cab before climbing in and yanking the engine's activation
lever. He backed up and turned around and sped off.
Your honor, I submit that this paragraph be confined to a minimum of
three sentences, maximum of seven. I move that despite the jury's
leniancy, a two-sentence penalty seems too mild for the exposition
required.
Teareal looked back just before they left the chamber. The strange
being was standing there, watching them go.
was standing --> was still standing (?)
Author's note: Mirai speaks primarily Japanese, which Teareal or
Lorin obviously don't speak. Attempts to find an totally accurate
translation online failed so I made up some words to fill in the
blanks. What she's saying is "Are you stupid? I'm not going to hurt
you."
If anyone can give me a more accurate translation, I'd appreciate it.
My rudimentary skill is not enough to help you with that, really. But
I think it's somewhat jarring, given that we don't really see any
other Japanese language effects anywhere else in the fic. Just say
it's gibberish, I say. :p
Okay. So ... this chapter wasn't as momentous as the first one. I
still liked it, though. I liked the military group, even though it
was kind of a digression, and I liked the science (sorry, sci-fi nut,
here). I thought characterizations were great, though I think there
should be much more justification for Mirai to do what she did; as it
is, it still seems terribly impulsive. My suggestion on that is
having someone suggest that the light means someone is alive on the
other side. Someone else would comment on how unlikely it is for
someone else to survive that long, and Mirai could then think, "then I
need to save them" or something like that.
I would like to request a recess at this point, your honor, until we
can assemble for the next chapter.
Thanks for sharing; I enjoyed that. :)