Jumping the bandwagon (though it's a _bit_ too late) this time around...
Yet another delay. But... here it is. I know a lot of chapters have already
been posted in the FFML to render this C&C moot, but... (shrugs) Meh. I've
finished it, so I'm going to post this. I certainly won't let good (or bad,
depending on your take on it) C&C go to waste.
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so any
unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
On 12/21/05, Morgan Hudson <dataraven_659@hotmail.com> wrote:
Sheesh. My first fic post in nearly four years and it's behind schedule. So
much for my rep as a fast authour. :(
Wow. Four years. From what I can see so far with the responses you've been
getting, this fic was worth the wait.
Then again, I guess a four year gap would pretty nicely
(wince) Oh, don't mind me. I just wince every time an adverb is used as a
descriptor for another adverb. @_@ Putting words ending in 'ly' together so
closely to describe each other is just... SICK AND WRONG!
Grammar Rule #58: Using adverbs to describe adverbs is truly awfully redundant.
have wiped out that
rep anyway, so who cares? I was planning to have this ready for Tuesday, but
I wound up spending a whole day helping my sister dig her car out of a
snowbank and it put me behind schedule.
Excuses, excuses! :P
Seriously, the reader doesn't care. What's important is that the chapter is
here for everyone to read. Yeah.
So, yeah - this is my fic. Is it not nifty? (with apologies to Sluggy
Freelance) For anyone who missed my explanation earlier, this is both the
Ronin Summer you may remember and an entirely animal at the same time.
I believe you missed 'different' in between 'entirely' and 'animal', correct me
if I'm wrong.
Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Basically, it's been so long since I posted anything, I wanted to let people
take a read without having to slog through sixty-plus chapters of old
material to catch up. I mean, it's a fic, not a homework assignment. ^_^
Many thanks again. ^_^
What I've done instead is start over. This is a whole new beginning for
Ronin Summer, so feel free to hop on even if you missed me the first time
around.
'Kay. I intend to do that. Though I've noticed that you've been a busy beaver,
sending out chapters left and right, what the hell. Let's get on with the show
and finish this C&C.
REVAMPED LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Whatever else may have changed in this story
of mine, trust me - the Sailor Senshi still belong to Kodansha and
Cloverway, and the Samurai Troopers are the legal property of Sunrise and
Bandai Entertainment.
Hmmm... Whatever happened to Naoko Takeuchi? And what about (googles) Hajime
Yatate? Don't they, the original authors, get a legal disclaimer?
Fic Author: (shrugs) It's the companies that have more tendencies to sue,
strangely enough.
So are all of their related friends and associates.
Suuure. Takeuchi and Yatate are just 'related friends and associates.' Puh.
I am only borrowing them for a few chapters, and I intend no harm. So
let's all remind ourselves that it's just a fanfiction and we really
should relax...
Yep, people should relax when it comes to these fanfic thingies. Their
throbbing nerves and overly serious takes on fanfics cut down on the fun
factor. Hell, 'The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny' does its job at
reminding people that fanfic shouldn't be taken too seriously (since that
little Internet Phenomenon _is_ like a crossover fanfic set to music... without
the ear-gauging). Ah, crossovers. �v�
RONIN SUMMER: CONVERGENCE
A Bishoujou Senshi Sailor Moon / Yoroiden Samurai Troopers cross-over
FYI: 'crossover' is a dictionary-verifiable word. No need for the hyphen.
by Morgan Hudson
"Convergence (n) - the approach of an infinite series to a finite limit."
Sooooouuu desu ka.
It was nearly ten o' clock, and as usual, everybody else was late.
Usagi: HA-CHOO!
Usagi = everybody else
That's a very nice and insightful look into Rei Hino's uppity psyche if I do
say so myself. _This_ is how Third Person Limited should be used.
*coughyrorhtdirbyhcough* *coughnolispednaedalbcough*.
place as jammed with pedestrians as Shibuya, she would have thought that
Ami's blue hair would have helped her stick out at least a little.
Depends. If we're talking RL, then she's a sore thumb. But in the Anime World?
You're better off picking someone with brown eyes out of the crowd. Taste the
rainbow of hair colors galore.
Apparently she had been wrong in that assumption - the only thing Rei
could see was a giant mass of shifting people, squeezing and working
around each other as cars waited patiently on all four sides of the
intersection.
(nods sagely) Ah. Japan.
Checking her watch, Rei leaned back against the large dog
statue that graced the front of the Toyoku station. Hachiko, the loyal
dog who had waited every day for his master to arrive. At the moment,
Rei could empathize.
Hmmm. Good writing and storytelling featuring proper and subtle segue from
Hachiko the loyal dog and Rei's empathy towards said canine... Check. Simply
put, good start on the fic with the 'show, not tell' thing.
"You know something?" she asked the statue. "Waiting is really
overrated. How the heck did you do this for eleven years? I'm going
crazy after eleven minutes." For example, she added silently, she was
starting to talk to dog statues.
Heh. Damn, I wish I reviewed this earlier. So far this fic has been doing more
hits and less misses. ^_^
Rei shook her head and snorted. Even in Shibuya, there was only
one person who could possibly pull off that hairstyle.
Chibi-usa: (indignant) HEY!
Raising her hand,
she waved back to Usagi and deliberately pointed at her watch. The blonde
girl grinned sheepishly and lifted a gigantic bundle of shopping bags and
other packages in silent explanation.
Show and tell no. 2. And it didn't even take all that much 'show'. Very good
and very clever. So far this fic has been a joy to read with the not-at-all
heavy-handed use of character insights spilling over the prose.
"Wow, Shibuya sure has a lot of stuff!" Usagi clutched her
packages to herself and jogged across the short distance between herself
and Rei.
Suggest: revising the second 'herself' to 'her', since the second herself
sounds redundant and the 'her' fits quite nicely as a substitute anyway.
"That's okay: you can just find some way to pay me back when we
Suggest: replacing the colon with a semicolon, an ellipsis, or a period.
make it to Minato Mirai 21!" Usagi giggled and clapped her hands. "This
is going to be so cool! Nobody but you and me and Ami, just like in the
old days!"
Hmmm. A well-researched fic, this one.
"Can't blame Minako," Rei said with a shrug. "Artemis got sick
just yesterday."
Minako: Oh, that damn Oscar! (cries) He'll pay, Artemis... I swear, he'll pay.
Artemis: (wailing and gnashing his teeth)
"Smells like a boyfriend to me!" Usagi said, with a wicked twinkle
(wince) Oh, don't mind me. Just seeing 'boyfriend' and 'wicked' in the same
sentence of a Sailor Moon fic gives me flashes of the North American dub of
Sailor Moon.
Serena: I have a wicked cool boyfriend! ^_^
Darien: Aw, shucks.
A chime rang out, and Rei glanced down at her watch with a groan
of frustration. "Oh, great - that's our train! Come on you two, or we'll
never get to Yokohama!"
(blinks) ...Quiet Country Cafe? I'd say that'd be a good thing. Never getting
there, I mean. God, that cafe is boring, though it pretty much lives up to its
name.
The black-haired youth seemed to be almost radiating energy, as
if the mere act of having to stand still was slowly driving him crazy.
Ryo didn't move, he snapped: sudden, jerking moves that seemed to
almost teleport him from one position to the next without any actual
steps in between.
Animator: (lazily) We'll use the sight gag of having him 'blink' into action by
intermittently using several key frames.
Inbetweener: B-But what about us? Don't _we_ get to do anything in between
poses? What are we supposed to do?
Animator: (shrugs) Starve, I guess.
By contrast, Shin was so smooth and mellow that he had sometimes
been accused of falling asleep. He tended to take his time, and moved with
slow and certain purpose.
Thanks for the head's up on the characteristics of the unfamiliar characters,
Mr. Author. It's very much appreciated.
"Thanks," Rei said solemnly, actually looking at the strange
fellow for the first time. He wasn't so bad, she thought idly - dressed a
little frumpy in that beige blazer and white dress shirt, to say nothing
of the grey slacks, but his face was cute enough in a puppyish kind of
way.
Heh. So they don't particularly like each other's fashion sense, do they?
"Usagi, if you ever do that to me again, I will murder you," Rei
hissed angrily as she pinched her friend by the elbow and dragged her a
safe distance away from the gates.
Hehehe. Nice. Usually in my experience of C&Cing, fics tend to either rely on
cheap, fourth-wall breaking humor or inaptly applying western jokes to an
eastern setting for a few laughs. Universal, plot-related humor is a welcome
change to the drollness.
"Are you blushing?" Usagi asked teasingly, tilting her entire body
to one side and looking up at Rei's downturned
Suggest: down-turned (unless you can point me to the dictionary that lists that
hyphenated spelling as correct)
"By golly, if our government wants to build
a gigantic Ferris wheel, it is our patriotic duty to ride it until we can
stand no more!"
Heh. Though at this point, your (portrayal of) Usagi sounds suspiciously like
Tomo from Azumanga Daio. ^^;
"This time," Usagi explained as the train pulled in, "I'm going to
do it in Yokohama."
Point.
Very far away from Shibuya, a complex and intricate universe
revolved around itself in an interesting and endless loop. It did not
necessarily obey all of the same laws that governed Japan, or even the
Milky Way in general. Much of its nature was made up of the sheer will of
its inhabitants,
...Like with Cephiro?
(Magic Knight Rayearth theme playing in the background)
and there was little more annoying than having to live in
a place where stuff ceased to exist the second anybody stopped thinking
about it. It was a harsh world, with little beauty: as desolate and alien
as the dark side of the Moon, and glimpsed only in the depths of the worst
nightmare.
Wow. Sounds profound. I personally think that the above sentence is beautiful,
almost poetic, in its structure, without choking the prose purple with
buzz-words and thesaurus terms. Enthralling. You've hit another one out of the
park.
It was a realm known by many names - most who discovered it were
convinced that they were the first ones to do so, and usually went mad or
died before they had a chance to compare notes. In ancient texts it was
known as Carcosa, and then later dubbed Tartarus.
(raises hand) Ooh, ooh! I have some more! Hell! Makai! Pandemonium!
Arago, the Demon Lord Emperor, was a vile titan of strength and
power, existing only to conquer and raze everything that his cruel eye
beheld. His lands became known as the Evil Dynasty,
Arago: A bit cliche and cartoonish a title, but it works. (shrug)
He was Radanthus the
Unconquered, the sole creature in both realms who had maintained his
neutrality through centuries of conflict. It had been beneath him; he had
always known that the true destiny of both empires was to be joined under
his own rule.
Wow. Ambitious, much?
"Badamon," he growled, his deep voice causing the very rocks to
quiver despite his hushed tone.
A Digimon somehow made it in the place where people wail and gnash their teeth?
I _knew_ it. I knew that Digimon was the work of the devil!
As you have ordered, we shall
endeavour to convince the Senshi that this... Jadeite... is the one behind
everything, leaving you free of their suspicion."
Indeed, this fic is based on anime canon, what with the token mention of YST
Luna and Jadeite still alive and all. S'all good.
"Excellent," Radanthus crooned, leaning back slightly in his seat.
Montgomery Burns: (raises an eyebrow) Perhaps you want a trip to my, er,
'innocence tube'?
Badamon had
far more interesting plans in mind - plans that required the presence of
Ryo Sanada and his merry band of mystical samurai. Badamon had not crawled
his way back from the brink of death just to take revenge on a couple of
girls in sailor fuku and help a self-important would-be tyrant gain the
throne that belonged to his true master.
Nice. Conflict of interest is always good news to a work of fiction. A myriad
of motivations is certainly more palatable and digestible than, say, the
complete absence of them all.
Yes, Nise Suiko would serve quite well for both Radanthus' purpose
(sigh) I give up. If the likes of you and Angus MacSpon will insist on using
the 'apostrophe-no-s' rule on singular s-ending words/names to denote
possessives, then so be it. Just... make it consistent, okay?
Rei Hino made it roughly twelve feet into the station at Minato
Murai 21 before it hit her. She had never been able to accurately describe
what 'it' was - all jokes aside, the closest she had gotten was to quote
that old movie about millions of voices screaming out and then getting
silenced.
Rei Hino: Well, that's because 1.) I'm Japanese, so I probably only seen the
Japanese dub of Star Wars, thus the impact of the line was lost in translation,
and 2.) I really hate cliche.
It was the sensation you got when you looked at an angry
dog and knew, just KNEW, that it was going to bite you and there was
nothing you could do about it. It was the cold chill of dread in your
heart when your boyfriend is about to break up with you and you suddenly
know what he is going to say before he even opens his mouth. It was all
of those things, but on a cosmic, planetary level.
I particularly like how you've made Rei react to this cosmic, planetary feeling
of dread in classic school girl fashion. It shows that you have a general
handle of Rei as a character, which is impressive, to say the least.
spare their feet the walk. "So what's with the bruise? Did Yokohama's
most promising tighthead
Suggest: tight-head
"I guess that'll be okay," Ryo agreed. "I mean, it's not like he's
in the middle of the Evil Dynasty, or anything.
Suggest: Dynasty or anything. (sans comma)
as if the gem somehow reflected darkness instead of light.
Rei: (snorts) Cheap glow-in-the-dark jewelry.
"So," he said, turning to look over his shoulder, "don't you think
you should come out now? I might get up to all sorts of things if you
don't hurry up and stop me." With a flip of his wrist, the rapidly
spinning crystal stopped in mid-air
midair
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
Nise Suiko bellowed, and the scrolls caught fire on their way
to him, fluttering away as they twisted and burned to ash.
Sacred scrolls? Aw, c'mon! Mars can do better than that! What's with all the
pussyfooting? Burning Mandala the guy to death from the get-go. It's painfully
clear by now that the teen isn't some mind-controlled human anyway!
"This won't take nearly as long as you deserve," Nise Suiko
growled, and advanced towards her. With each step, the ashphalt
Shouldn't it be 'asphalt' or is this (ashphalt) how it's spelled where you're
from?
Raising his arm, Nise Suiko snapped it down and the curtain of
raging fire flickered and died like a birthday candle in a hurricane. Rei
herself was blown back by the force of the wind, struggling to maintain
her footing as her hair and skirt flapped furiously in the gale.
Nise Suiko: (distracted by Sailor Mars's flapping skirt)
Sailor Mars: (takes advantage of the Japanese male's unhealthy fascination with
underwear, burns Nise to a crisp)
Losing
her balance, she cried out as the raging wind flung her back into the side
of a storefront. Glass shattered, and she bounced twice before landing
heavily amongst a pile of well-dressed mannequins.
Stone Cold Steve Austin: (bowled over by Mars just as he heard his theme song
play)
Rei pushed herself off of the ground, blood trickling down her
face.
Not really a criticism but more of an observation; I've noticed the trend of
Sailor Moon Crossovers (or even Sailor Moon fics) to make the senshi bleed.
What's up with that? What is it with Sailor Moon fanfic authors and their
fascination over bleeding teenaged girls care of
stronger-than-the-average-youma opponents? It's kinda creepy in a sadistic sort
of way.
Glass crunched underfoot, and Rei froze.
Rei: (realizes that not only glass crunched underfoot) Omigosh! My high heels
are _ruined_!
With a moment's thought, the battered scroll snapped straight
and clean as the day it had been made, standing stiffly at attention.
Yuuichiro: (blushes) Oh.
Rei: What...? (blinks) Oh. (blinks again, then she furrows her eyebrows) You
degenerate perv! (slappies)
Whatever he was planning to do with
that thing, she could already feel the power building up behind it. She
couldn't afford to let him unleash that much dark energy in one attack;
The "much" in "much dark energy" reads iffy to me, but that may just be me.
Suggest revision, but ignore this if it's a regional/Commonwealth rule thing.
Rei struck out at him, and he used his free hand to twist her arm behind
Extra space in between 'hand to' and 'twist her'.
into the crystal depths of a moutain stream, luxuriating in the steaming
moutain --> mountain
"I am Sailor Moon, and in the name of Emperor Meiji, Marine Day,
and the Kanagawa Board of Tourism, I will punish you!"
"This has got to be some sort of sick joke," Nise Suiko groaned.
...An overused one, in fact. It's almost a prerequisite for a Sailor Moon fic
to have it.
"It's all right, Rei," she said, "we're here now. Usagi and I can
take care of this monster - you rest."
Uh, why is Sailor Mercury referring to Sailor Mars that familiarly? I mean,
sure, maybe the villain doesn't have supersonic hearing, but still, it's bad
form for people with dual identities to refer to their comrades using their
real names instead of their 'stage' names.
"Wait, Ami! There's two of them!
Suggest: There're two of them!
Nise Suiko had time to cry out, a single, wordless wail of despair
as he felt the universe shift and alter into a shape that had no room for
him within it.
I like the way you worded it. Certainly beats how most SM crossover authors
would skim past the abilities of the senshi to concentrate more on the _other_
'cross-overed' series and its apparent superiority to what essentially is a
story for young girls.
It wasn't supposed to happen like this, he thought
desperately, as the gem around his neck burned with the cold ferocity of
a winter gale. He was supposed to be victorious! It wasn't right, it
wasn't FAIR...
Ah, of course. This is the time where the enemy wails in confused, desperate
defeat before he gets blown to smithereens.
"Ami? Little help, here?"
Suggest: Little help here? (comma muyo)
As for using 'natural pauses' as an excuse for that comma, well, that 'pause'
seemed Shatner-esque at best.
Furthermore: Again, though most people would want to portray the little Sailor
Senshi as amateurs, I do remember that they had at least a modicum of sense to
not reveal to the world their true identities. The prose does a better job of
using their names than the characters themselves do.
"Relax, I'm fine." Wobbling slightly, Sailor Mars stepped shakily
into the clearing with a wan smile. "Out of breath, but not out of luck!
Thanks for the save, guys."
Aw, and here I thought Ami and Usagi will attack Shin, thus making things more
interesting... but then again, I've already read most of Carrot's fics
utilizing that very scenario.
(checks the end of the story in advance) What _did_ happen to Shin anyway? It's
like he disappeared all of a sudden. I'm guessing that this situation has a
cliffhanger/Zeigarnik effect going for it, but if it's not really the
intention, then please do clarify where Shin went. OTOH, I get the feeling that
I may have skimmed through some paragraphs. (ponders)
"No problem," Usagi said generously, laughing with relief. "You
know me, I'm always up for some adventure - fighting evil by moonlight,
winning love by daylight, all that good stuff."
O_o Good lord, fic. Don't go there.
"Okay," Usagi admitted weakly, "the legs need to be taught proper
respect. They are becoming impudent. Could someone find me a bench or
something? I need to sit."
Again, your Usagi reminds me of Tomo for some reason. Must be the extra
perkiness and the way her dialogue sounds strangely fit for a hyperactive girl.
Does this seeming exaggeration of Usagi's characteristics add or detract to the
fic? Well, so far it's done neither, so it's mostly harmless.
"You need to start taking it easy, Sailot Moon,"
Sailot --> Sailor
And speaking of bossy, have you heard the way my cat's been talking to
me lately? Talk about a slave driver! Wash the dishes, clean your room,
don't waste your powers on punishing jaywalkers..."
(sweatdrop) Ah. Well, though that is a backhanded way of doing the tell not
show in a show not tell way, I have to admit that your Usagi's quite the weird
one, she is.
"I do NOT snore!" Usagi interjected, squirming free of Rei's hand.
"That is a filthy lie my enemies made up to get at me!
And here we go again. My, she's on a roll today with the quips and
one-liners... so much so that I've almost mistaken her for Dhiti of Sailor Moon
4200 fame. ^_^;; I'm still quite undecided whether or not I like this new fic
Usagi of yours. (thinks) Oh well. Better her than an ever-bawling, ever-whiny
version of Usagi, for sure.
"Sure," Rei agreed, "why not? We may as well have some fun today.
I'll order some movies on the television when we get there, and we'll
get room service. But first thing tomorrow we get to work finding out
what's going on here, okay?" Especially since there was no sign of that
strange young boy in the blue armour that she had seen earlier. No way it
was just a coincidence that he happened to look exactly like the monster
they were fighting. The youma had called him something... a Samurai
Trooper?
~Dun-dun-DUUUUN~
It was all a mystery to Rei, but she had learned the hard way
not to sit around and wait for things to come to her. If there were any
Samurai Troopers or monsters hiding out in Yokohama, she was going to make
sure the Sailor Senshi tracked them down and stopped them cold.
Rei sighed. Her vacation was going downhill a lot faster than she
had thought it would.
**********
To Be Continued...
And I can't wait to see the rest... someday, when my backlog has been cleared.
^_^;; Not bad. Not bad at all. But first things first. Here's a summary of my
grammar comments for your perusal:
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes. (Something that need
not be stated, but since everyone's ignoring this very basic rule, what the
hell. Spell-check, then spell-check your spell-check. If this fic was merely
sent to the list hastily, then proofread it. Please, don't make the FFML into
your personal spellchecker. Get prereaders/proofreaders if you haven't. I mean,
the writing is top notch as far as I can see, but it's marred by the
intermittent and careless misspellings here and there (redundant phrasing, I
know, but work with me here).But don't worry about this too much, 'coz from
what I've seen, there were very few typos and spelling errors in this fic, so
kudos to you on that regard.
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas. (This one's been explained above
and then some.)
Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
Grammar Rule #58: Using adverbs to describe adverbs is truly awfully redundant.
...And that's that on the Grammar Rule breakage. Well done, Mr. Author. Only
five broken rules? It's an astounding 'batting' average indeed.
As for the other story specifics: Prose flowed remarkably well, managed to
sound profound without being purplish, and most of all, utilized character
insights to the utmost degree. Utilizing character insights, I reckon, is an
indication of good writing wherein the author can actually delve deep into the
hearts and minds of the characters he's writing about and effectively share it
with his audience. It's always good to see third person limited used properly
in such a way as to not confuse the reader and instead have him engage with the
fic's plot all the more.
*coughyroehtdirbyhcough* This is quite apparent in the introductory scenes,
where the unique thinking patterns of Rei, Ami, and Usagi are shown quite
apparently and successfully in terms of their immediate and future
objectives/super-objectives. Heck, even the unfamiliar characters (well,
unfamiliar to _me_) of YST were given equal treatment such that Ryo, Shin, and
Shuu stood out as individuals instead of generic warrior-type hero characters.
Prose that presents its characters as unique instead of homogenized and
interchangeable is good prose in my book.
It was great that, as much as possible, you avoided cliche. Sure, there were
times when the narrative got so heavy-handed that it might as well been written
by Chaucer or whoever-the-author-of-Moby-Dick-was, but these lapses to
nearly-but-not-quite purple prose were used sparingly, prudently, and aptly.
Also of particular note was the amount of research done with the fic. Hearty
handshakes and congratulations on that; it's always nice to see that a fic's
setting is well-established, cultural differences and all. This Japan is
certainly very much Japan-like compared to the Anytown, USA feel of most other
fanfic 'Japans' out there.
As for the fight scenes, well, those were the parts that I skimmed through
because of the somewhat blow-by-blow description of the battle as it
progressed. All I can really suggest to spruce that up is to make more use of
the show-not-tell character internals you used so well in the introductory
parts of this fic. The difference between how the action scenes and the rest of
the scenes were written was like night and day. OTOH, it can be argued that
Sailor Mars's main concern was to survive, so her focus would be on the fight,
but the way the fight progressed had a 'too much, too soon' feel to it. It's
like you made it a life-and-death situation almost immediately, with no
character internal reward for the reader that adds to the plot and story. In
other words, there was lack of human interest in the fight scenes. It was also
kind of predictable, seeing that the reader expects the main characters to
survive. Oh well. In any case, it's a halfway decent fight scene nonetheless.
As for Usagi's particular characterization, I'll be frank. It's a bit out of
character and a little too exaggerated for my tastes. It's _good_ in terms of
it being funny and I'm all for a wittier, funnier, and sunnier Usagi. I
couldn't decide whether she reminded me more of the hyperactive Tomo of
Azumanga Daio fame or Dhiti of Sailor Moon 4200 fame. Nevertheless, point is
that I'm not really getting the Usagi 'vibe' from your Usagi. Or maybe it's
just me. I do understand that your portrayal of her may be necessary for you to
write the story (in terms of, say, you like this kind of Usagi better than the
usual Usagi, or this is how you interpret Usagi from what you've seen/read).
You simply made the story your own, and as such I have no complaints on that
department. Just watch out on making Usagi a bit too alien. Don't worry though,
because 'underneath the underneath', she's still recognizable as Usagi, and
that's not by name only.
Actually, most of my real criticisms on this fic were mere nitpicks and minor
things that you can easily fix (like the disclaimer thing, the senshi referring
to each other through their real names, and various typos, missed words, and
minor punctuation quibbles). All in all, the fic was surprisingly pleasant...
pleasant enough to quell most of my usually barbed tirades. I actually
mentioned Mr. MacSpon one or two times in the commentary, right? Well, that's
what your writing reminds me of: Mr. MacSpon's, that is. I dunno if it's the
Commonwealth grammar rules you both apply to your fic, the circumstantial fact
that you're both writing about Sailor Moon, or the way you both delve with the
uniqueness of each character and how he/she would react to a certain situation.
^_^ Maybe a mix of all three. Well, comparisons or no, I'd say it's actually a
compliment on my part to compare you to Mr. MacSpon 'coz I'm a big fan of his
work and I think it's great that there are more writers like him out there.
In regards to the Commonwealth rules that you've made use of in your fic...
Thing is, it makes me kind of wonder why you did a N.A. dub joke care of Usagi,
since you're apparently not from North America. Perhaps you were merely
pandering to the large American fanbase? Perhaps you're Canadian? Or maybe
you're actually a fan of the N.A. dub/you were first exposed to SM by the N.A.
dub? I'm merely curious, is all.
As such, it's now standard ending disclaimer time.
Kudos to you for making a fic which you and your fans would fully enjoy. I wish
you luck on your future ficcing endeavors and I do hope you keep on
entertaining your ficcy fans with the newest version of your masterpiece. In
any case, ignore any of my vinegar-laced comments and just read the positive
ones if you'd like. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you straight out
what I found right (and wrong) with the fic. If you want to keep your fic as
is, good. If you found any of my comments helpful in some level, even better.
The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is
to keep on writing... It's the best solution to spelling errors that tarnishes
an otherwise perfect prose flow, nitpicks about disclaimers, senshi being so
amateurish that they'd reveal to their enemy their true identities, and a
standup comedian Usagi (:P). In short, keep on writing. That's my fifty cents.
Abdiel out.
------------------
"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary."
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