GL Sandborn wrote:

                            
                2   Arrested Developments
                            
                            
    Tina sighed contentedly.  It was certainly
 comfortable in her futon this morning.

Which means it won't last.

    In a flash, she was out of the futon and on her
 knees a few feet away from whatever or whoever it was in
 her bed.  Silently gasping for breath, she blinked at the
 lump still under the comforter.  Who or what was in her
 bed?
    She tried to think back to what happened the night
 before.  She remembered being in a small bar with some
 guy, maybe an American.  At least, he spoke English like
 an American.  She recalled that much.
    Pulling her rumpled nightshirt tighter around her
 chest, she blinked and tried to remember what happened
 after that.  As hard as she tried, it always came back to
 that black hole in what should have been a critical part
 of her evening.  There were lots of drinks, a few noisy
 patrons, fowl-smelling cigarette

foul, unless it was made from duck

smoke hanging heavily in
 the air, and a quiet but generous companion buying the
 drinks.  Was it possible that she did the unthinkable?
 Did she bring a stranger home to her room and the two of
 them ?
 

My, it must be unthinkable. She didn't think it.

    Her eyes went wide.  She couldn't have.  Even drunk,
    The bar.  The reason she was there had more to do
 with caution than celebration.  She shook her head and
 blew out a deep breath.  They had ducked into the bar to
 make certain they weren't being followed.  When Steven
 told her to just act natural, she naturally tried to
 drink the place dry. 

Naturally.

 case, it wasn't easy getting him home.  He kept passing
 out.  She almost ended up throwing him over her shoulder.
 They would have probably made better time that way.  
    Once she got him back to her room in the servants'
 quarters of the mansion, it was really late.  Nobody was
 still awake. 

I don't like that wording. It borders a double negative. "Everyone was 
asleep' just sounds better.

She remembered dumping him on the floor
 over by her desk and throwing a blanket over his body.
 How he got in her bed, she'd rather not think about.
 

See if he left a trail of blood.

    She was still deciding what to do with him when she
 heard the doorknob rattle as someone was trying 

tried (no need for the passive there)

   "Who was that?" Steven demanded, wobbling a bit as
 fresh blood trickled down his left arm.  The sound of the
 servants' quarters door crashing off its track echoed
 down the hallway.
    "That," Tina said, pointing to the now empty
 doorway,  "was our maid, Taeko."  Tina surveyed the
 disorderly pile that only moments before had been her
 neatly folded clean clothes.  "And what's with sticking
 that cannon of yours in her face?"
    Sheepishly, the man eyed the mess.  "A person in my
 business can't be too careful." 

Yes, it is best to kill everyone. No sense in taking unncessaary chances. :)

    Fifteen minutes later, after much confusion and
 running around, Steve Hunter's 

You've been using Steven up to this point. Best to keep it that way.

    "Of course she wouldn't," Aoi said calmly as she
 stood up.  Holding her hands together down the front of
 her, she turned to her governess.  "I'm quite certain
 there is a logical explanation."
 

Well, I'm not sure logic plays a part in the explanation, but there is 
one, at least.

    Tina swallowed hard when everyone turned her
 

turned in

 direction.  Her tale came in a single rush of words.  "I
 was just eating lunch at work and my stupid boss radioed
 me to bring the stupid wheelbarrow to the stupid bear
 exhibit only when I went to get it, I

I take it she paused for breath there, otherwise drop the comma

   "You believe her?" Kaoru asked.
    "Of course not.  However, I am certain she believes
 what she told us is the truth and that is almost as good
 as the truth itself."
 

Or at least it must suffice for a moment

     "Please be careful with that," Miyabi said.
    "Oh, come on, Miss Manager.  I'm an American.  We
 know how to handle guns.  It's in our genes."  As if to
 prove her claim, she struck a Lupin-like pose and winked
 at Kaoru.
    The entire room, minus the unconscious Steve,

Steven

jumped
 when the pistol discharged towards the ceiling.

Saw that coming

 Aoi
 covered her face with her hands, Kaoru half ducked with
 his arms wrapped over his head, and Taeko fainted in the
 corner.
    "Gimmie that!" Miyabi snapped, grabbing the pistol
 out of Tina's limp hand.
    "Ooops,"

Oops, usually

    "I'm locking this up where it will be safe," Miyabi
 growled, holding up the pistol and removing the magazine
 like a veteran.  "In the mean time,

meantime ( I think)

we need to consider
 what to do with your Mr. Hunter."
    "Maybe we should turn him over to the police," Kaoru
 said, helping the groggy Taeko to her feet.
    "Or take him to a hospital," Aoi added.  "His arm is
 still bleeding."
    "Improper first aid," Miyabi said flatly, casting a
 frown Tina's way.  "We can take care of his arm but I'm
 

arm, but

    Tina was about to complain about the unfairness of
 it all but stopped herself under the property manager's
 steely glare.  "Yes, ma'am," she said, hanging her head.
 She really didn't want to share a room with a man.  Well,
 she might if it was Kaoru, but that really wasn't a
 reasonable option.
 

Unless he was into threeways. I say it's lemon time!

    "In the mean time,"

meantime again here, I think

BTW, when she removed the magazine, might want to mention that she 
emptied the pipe as well, unless leaving a bullet in it is a plot point.

   "No but 

No, but

    
    Breakfast went quickly and much quieter than usual.
 While everyone was relieved that the strange American was
 gone, it was difficult to banish the horrible thought
 that he might just come back.
 

I'd cut 'just'

    Tina called in sick to work, figuring that way she
 would avoid having to answer any questions about what
 happened and why there were so many dead bodies back in
 the Animal Waste Recovery Facility.  The one under the
 pile of poop would have been tough enough.  The ones with
 bullet wounds would have been impossible.
 

Nonsense. She can claim it was a religous cult that commited a suicide 
pact. Happens all the time.

    "But I didn't do anything," Tina gasped before
 throwing her arms around Kaoru's neck and burying her
 face in his chest.  She couldn't control her trembling.
 Being a gaijin wanted by the police was the worst thing
 that could happen to her in Japan.
 

No, something much worse is about to happen since this is only the 
second chapter.

    "No, we are taking her to..."  The first man's voice
 trailed off like he was searching for the proper words.
    "Headquarters," one of the other men finished.
    "Yes, headquarters where she will be interrogated--"
    "Questioned," the other man corrected.
    "Questioned, yes.  Only questioned, nothing else.
 No beating, torture, or hot things shoved up her--"
    He was stopped by the other man jabbing him in the
 ribs.  "Questioned.  That is all."
    Miyabi eyed the men with obvious suspicion.  "I
 see," she said slowly. 

If so, she'd better find an excuse to call the police fast. She's not 
the slowest one in the series, after all

    "I don't know but I have a very bad feeling about
 this," Miyabi replied.
 

Best to get reenforcements for a later chapter.

Nice work. Good set up to more of the story.

DB Sommer

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