--- Kal <kal@got.net> wrote:

Hi Dave,

Cool, another chapter.  OK, I will try to comment as
I read, so this may be
a bit chaotic.  But what do you expect in a story
titled Jedi of Chaos :)

Nothing less!

This was turning out to be one of the most easiest
assignments Allura ever had.  In the beginning,

she'd

thought it'd be much more difficult to infiltrate

the

Jedi Academy.

Now she could barely keep from derisively laughing

out

loud as she casually walked down the hall. 

Currently

she was on the second floor of the Academy, and
according to Brakiss's information, it was at the
other side of the building.

To me, these two paragraphs should be one, and you
probably should specified
what "it" is that Allura is searching for.  I know
it's Luke's room from
previous chapter, but it's still good to point out
in a new chapter

All right, I'll do that.

trouble.  Ironically, it was her belief that the
infiltration would've been nearly impossible had

she

attempted it during the night, when everyone
congregated in the Academy.  In the daytime, it was
almost deserted.  But on the side of the caution,

The two sentence needs to flow better.  It was
awkward to read, even though
i can deduce what you mean.

Clear that up, I will.  In the revision, do I. :D

practical use of his lightsaber training.  As it

was,

if it weren't for his immensely high learning curve
and pre-Galdern training with vibroblades and other
such weapons, he would've been dead five seconds

into

the fight.  Currently, he was holding his own, yet

he

5 seconds?!?  If that was the case, Ranma should
have been dead within the
1st minute.  Akane is slowly pushing herself with
the Force whereas he
cannot do such thing.  Is Ranma in this universe
prone to extreme
exaggeration?

Okay, that parts needs some serious revising..

Genma be damned!  If it weren't for him...

Oh, can't wait to hear about this.

Me too. :D

Ranma's eyes narrowed, and backpedaled faster,
widening the distance between the two of them.
Decision made, he began to concentrate on calling

up

his ki, as taught to him by one of his former
instructors six years ago......

Wow, I had assume ki is the Force, but I guess
you're leaving more trump
cards to Ranma

Ranma's background will be revealed, piece by piece as
the chapters go on...

Rosh Penin had always wanted to be chased around by
attractive women

Haha, me too :)  Where do I sign up.

Right here, at the dotted line

...................................

couple of seconds headstart and he took full

advantage

of that.

Err, a couple of seconds headstart should have meant
Narissa threw her
lightsaber at his back thus dividing him neatly into
two piles of meat and
bones.  Perhaps you meant two minutes?

Yet another part that needs revising.

It took some doing, but he restrained himself from
running all out.  It would be stupid of him to do
that, then run out of breath, just to be cut down

from

behind as he tried to get his wind back.

I thought you said he pushed himself beyond his
limits, but now we learned
that he's actually restrained himself?  Very
incongruent.  And with Narissa
Force enhanced speed, Rosh had better been some
galactic record holder.

So he found himself now running at a pace more than

a

jog, but a little less than an all-out dash.  He

was

OK, scratch that, he's better been an intergalactic
record holder.  His jog
is beating out a Force enhanced run.

I had the idea that due to his fear, Rosh is
unwittingly channeling the Force to his legs...  Will
implement it in the, yes you guessed, revision!

The young Penin didn't know how lucky he was.  In
another reality, he and another potential Jedi

trainee

by the unlikely name of Jaden, in order to reach

the

Massassi Temple, would have to go through a couple

of

stormtroopers and one Disciple of Ragnos.  In this
life, however, Rosh approached the Temple from

another

direction and thus avoided them by sheer luck.

OK, this is game reference?  So I guess Rosh was in
the game.

Yup it is.  And he was.  And he was ONE HECK OF AN
ANNOYING TWIT.  That, is why I'm making him suffer..

*Snap-hiss*

OK, what happen to all the cool lightsaber throwing
(I've heard this is a
skill in many Star Wars game).  Narissa  must have
lousy aim.

Nah, she just wants it to be up front and personal.

opponent's cold face as he lifted up his

light-green

energy blade and cleanly slashed off her hand just
after the elbow.

What is it about Force user losing their hand!!! :)

It's a common thing. :D

"Cho-mai," whispered Ranma as he brought himself to

a

basic neutral stance. [1]

So much so they even have a term for it!

"Ya-ya-ya babab!  Ollkalya!  Ollkalya! 

Ollkalya![2]"

she mumbled through her broken jaw, trying to fight

When did her jaw break?  Surely it wasn't the "howl
of sheer agony erupt"ing
that broke it, was it?

This was my error.  I had originally written Crimson
getting her jaw broke through Ranma's boot connecting
with it... and I forgot to correct it once I changed
how she got hit.  

But before he left, there was one thing he had to

do.

After he felt he had enough rest, Ranma quickly
retrieved his blaster from where he'd left it, as

well

as his opponent's weapon (his eyes betraying the
slightest grimace as he slid it out of the detached
hand), and then jumped over the river, throwing the
black and red lightsaber high over his shoulder

while

doing so.

I started to write how he didn't loot his opponent,
but this is worse!  How
can you throw away loot.  I'll bet his inventory
isn't even full!  He's got
an NPC, comedic side kick, to arm :)

Sadly, I see that this must be one of those games
that force you to move on,
otherwise, shouldn't there be a side quest in the
jungle somewhere :)  Life
is a side-quest, seize the EXP ;) - Red Mage, 8-bits
theatre

Well, Rosh doesn't know how to use a lightsaber..
He'll probably lop off his arm or leg accidentally. 
Hmm now that's not such a bad idea... <evil chuckle>

But before he left, there was one thing he had to do.
After he felt he had enough rest, Ranma quickly
retrieved his blaster from where he'd left it, as

well

as his opponent's weapon (his eyes betraying the
slightest grimace as he slid it out of the detached
hand), and then jumped over the river, throwing the
black and red lightsaber high over his shoulder while
doing so.

Err, there were 2 lightsabers? you mean he could
have armed 2 NPC.  This is
just wrong :)

elsewhere on Yavin.  No sense leaving behind

weapons

for them to salvage.

This is why evil will always triumph, because good
is dumb (Sith knows how
to loot)

Ranma has trouble using only one lightsaber at this
stage.  How's he going to handle two?  Besides, Rosh
and the other new Jedi initiates are going to build
their own sabers, 'tis a Jedi thing.  Ranma's the only
one in their group who knows how to handle a 'saber
correctly.  

If Ranma's saber broke in the fight, then he would
have immediately grabbed up one of the Siths.  But
since it didn't, he doesn't have a use for it.

Despite his fear, Rosh suddenly found himself

checking

her out.  Very attractive, mid-twenties, great

figure,

beautiful eyes, the blonde hair would've looked

better

if it were longer, and he was dead certain that if

she

smiled, his heart would probably stop.  Her chest

size

was also quite impressive, especially for someone

with

such a slender figure.

D'oh, I will have to change that to evil will always
triumph, because they
got better looking chicks (thus better fringe
benefits)

They exist to distract the comedy reliefs! 

Narissa lifted her saber up in an aggressive

forward

stance, holding it above her head with the blade
facing behind her.  "Too bad, you are kinda cute.
Pity we're on different sides and I've got my

orders,

anyway, so I'll make this quick."  That said, she
charged at him.

I thought you hinted that they've been picking up
Akane's men-hating habits.

I did?  I'll have to recheck this...

"Holy rancor droppings, Penin!  W-Was that the

Force I

just used?" Rosh asked out loud, completely stunned

by

Holy rancor droppings - replenishes 100 Force point
- 200 Republic credits
I'll bet a Sith lightsaber would have gotten you a
few of these :)

Bah, who needs Sith lightsabes?  They reek of evil,
they do!

...

The whole section about Luke's party to the shuttle,
etc. reads awkwardly.
Perhaps quick rush description is the best approach
for this.

Point taken.  Thanks.

"I am Narissa, formerly Xi-an Phu of the Joketsukou
Clan, from the planet of Dathomir.  According to

the

laws set by the founders of Joketsukou, since you,"
she nodded in Rosh's direction, "have defeated me

in

combat, I am now your legally attached consort in
matrimony."

D'oh, I didn't see this one coming.  Thank goodness
you didn't put an
annoying accent on her.

Yup, there are enough fics with that..

-Kal

Dave Wong

a.k.a. DarkWing
"Let's get dangerous"

Website: www.geocities.com/darksoar/start.html

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam?  Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around 
http://mail.yahoo.com 

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'