Brian Randall wrote:
> As the only C&C I've recieved on this chapter yet, it's quite
welcome. :)
I think it is therefore safe to assume the neither the C&C I sent you
nor my e-mail asking whether you'd received the C&C made it through.
I'm copying it below, and hopefully this one _will_ reach you. :)
*begin old message*
A tad later than I hoped to get around to it, but here goes nothing.
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Brian Randall wrote:
A flash of lightning split the darkness, muted thunderclaps rolling
in seconds behind. From his position on the worn wooden floor of the
dojo, Ranma flexed his hands.
Ki. That was the secret to this battle.
It was all about ki, and the confidence to use it right. He had the
confidence, and the strength; all that remained was to prove it.
I believe that the commas after ki and confidence are unnecessary.
--------------------------------------
Diamonds in the Rough -- Chapter Sixteen -- Distant Lands, Distant
Troubles
Disclaimer: Paints in this story are from Rumiko Takahashi, Viz
(Ranma 1/2), TV Tokyo and Ken Akamatsu (Love Hina), and Tatsuya Egawa
(Goldenboy). The easel is mine. That's all.
Nothing to see here, folks. Move along. Move along.
Note: I screwed up and thought that Ranma was introduced to his
mother before the Shishi Houkodan arc. Erm. Assume that it's an alt,
and my thoughts are correct for this story (because they are). -_-
Fair enough!
And then it crashed down, and Kasumi only saw green fire. She had
enough time to scream before the emerald inferno gave way to soothing
darkness.
...nasty.
"You said you know how this works," her captor said tonelessly. "So
now that you've gotten yourself in this deep, you're just going to
_give_ me what I want to know." Minami struggled for a moment, and
the woman holding her chuckled menacingly. "But I'll give you what
you think you want to know anyway. My name is Tendo Nabiki. Now
let's talk about Ranma...."
Aha.
"I know some of it," Kasumi offered, frowning. "I heard him arguing
with Ryouga-kun before...." She shrugged herself, one hand going to
her fused ankle.
"What?" Akane asked, somewhat surprised. "But he wasn't there -- I
got to the dojo first. It was dark, but Ranma pulled P-chan from the
rubble. I never saw Ryouga at all." She frowned. "He probably hurt
P-chan when he threw him across the yard," she murmured. Swallowing,
she added, "I ... never saw P-chan after that. Do you suppose that
... that Ranma ... killed him?"
Soun blinked, looking rather as though someone had dropped a freight
train on him. "Excuse me?" he managed in a wavering voice. "Ryouga
was there?"
"Yes," Kasumi said. "But Father, that's not what's important right
now. We need to explain why you have to stop-"
"Wait," he said, unnatural force in his tone silencing both Akane and
her elder sister. "This is critical." He turned to Akane, and she
felt suddenly intimidated by the glow in his eyes. "You saw your pet
pig. Ranma pulled it from the wreckage of the dojo?"
"Y...yes," Akane said falteringly. "But how is this-"
"If we are lucky," Soun growled, "then Ranma did kill the pig."
I find it hard to believe that none of this ever came up in conversation
in the years that have passed since the incident. Particularly since
you've established that Akane at least has been wondering what really
happened for some time. She never mentioned wishing she'd known what
had happened in Kasumi's presence before? She never worried about
P-chan in either fathers' presence since the accident? Kasumi never
talked about what she'd seen, even to Tofu?
It really seems to me that all this should have come out within weeks of
the incident, unless all the Tendos decided to not ever talk at all
about what had occured.
Beyond that, I don't have any real comments. Didn't notice any other
errors, and everything else was fine plot-wise. Looking forward to the
rest of the story!