On 6/29/06, seb ren <sebastien.renon@gmail.com> wrote:

<snip>
Regardless, she had been getting ready to head back to Nerima to find

Ranma, and offer her help beating down whatever Chinese Prince or other
lunatic was responsible, when a man from the Ministry of Justice had
contacted her. Again, that wasn't too unusual, though the feds normally
didn't get involved in martial arts skirmishes to her knowledge. She'd
talked to them before, so she hadn't been about to snub them now.

The term 'feds' is not appropriate for Japan. You probably should change

to

something like 'police', 'Criminal bureau' or something along these lines
(you can find out about the police system here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Police_System_of_Japan


<snip>

Quite correct. I've tried to be very accurate in my refering to foreign
special
services and the like. XCOM, by necessity, must work with local and national
law enforcement organizations. For Japan, in most of the fic, this is the
Ministry of Justice. That mention there is a slip up I will correct
immediately.

The man they had ridden in the helicopter with also disembarked behind
them. He wore a black suit and tie, but his two friends walking up to
the martial arts trio didn't bother with the pretense. Both wore white
and gray urban fatigues; in a glance, Mousse discerned all the weapons
they carried, including the knife one had tucked into his right boot,
and the small pistol the other thought he was so clever hiding below his
left armpit. The one thing he couldn't find were their flags or their
rank insignia.

Though the ability to do so perfectly fits Mousse's own specialty, I feel
there's something slightly wrong in saying he's discerned everything _with

a

glance_...

As an interpretation here, I'd planned it to be along the lines of Mousse
being
able to instantly access the weapons of a foe, but not so much anything
else.
In other words, he's great at seeing hidden weapons, even minus his glasses,
but has much more trouble discriminating people (even from statues and
stuff)

To correct the above:
Basically "everything (weapon related)" with a glance

<snip>

She took a deep breath, and let the group digest what she had been said

Should be 'what she had said '

Will be corrected.

"Ryu," the boy replied curtly. "Ryu Kumon."



Probably should be the other way around - Kumon,  Ryu Kumon.

Yep.
Will be corrected.

<snip>


The gaping maw of Seiran welcomed them in, and the view transitioned

suddenly from a stark mountain-scape to an expanse of hangars and
sophisticated equipment. Two saucer shaped craft, larger looking than
the helicopters, sat unobtrusively in landing 'nests' with servicing
equipment running along the floor of the hangar spaces. Their surfaces
were smooth, save for semi-regular protrusions pointing downward and
outward that faintly glowed purple. Two men in orange vests or uniforms
stood nearby, in avertedly juxtaposing themselves with the otherworldly

inadvertently

WBC

craft, and also providing a size contrast. The saucer seemed to be at

least 20 meters in diameter.

As the helicopters flew deeper into the hangar space, a red "X" came
into view, emblazoned on the saucer craft. It was followed by two
numbers: "16" and - amazingly - a small silhouette of a woman holding a

'...followed by the number  "16" and...'  seems better

hmm. I'll fool around a bit more with that.

One by one, they were directed to the unisex decontamination facility.
The men went first, taking off their clothes in a strip down room (to
Konatsu's slight embarrassment), before being put through wash down and
rapid drying. To the relief of those with Jyusenkyou curses, the decon
spray of mist was warm, and kept that way by the softly shining lights
above them. After being scanned by a medical device and giving a blood
sample from their index finger, each of them entered the last isolated
room to get changed.

Maybe you should somewhat expand with Kuno's reaction to Konatsu. It'd

have

the added bonus of breaking a flow of not uninterresting but somewhat flat
and long description.

Not a bad idea at all.
I'll look into it immediately and make necessary corrections/additions.

For a few silent seconds, everyone just looked at everyone else. Ukyou
without her chef's outfit or gear, Shampoo wearing normal clothes,
Mousse without his robes, Kuno without his bokken, Ranma and Ryouga
looking even more like each other than normal (especially without the
latter's bandannas) - it seemed to take a little while to sink in. It
was almost as if a line had been crossed, and they hadn't even fully
realized it until after the fact.

Whereas I can picture everyone going with the same clothes (uniform), I

have

difficulty to believe everyone would go without their trademark

accessories

(at least those who have them). Once again, if you go that direction, you
should show why they comply (and the previous little  speech from the Lt
Commander Yasuda isn't going to cut it, I'm afraid).

Well, they were stripped just naked. They'll get their more specific gear
later.
I'll clarify it the justifications for it.

<snip>

"Hello everyone," he said, sounding friendly enough, but didn't bow. "My
name is Captain Joshua Ben-Solomon. Your other mentors will meet up with
you after you've had your first trip on the Reading Rainbow - the
Pedagogical Psionic Interface. We'll be putting in English reading,
writing, and speaking, along with a few maps and some other information.
It'll really help you find your way around the base. This way."

Leaving the room, Ranma couldn't resist leaning over to Ryouga and
quipping, "You better ask 'em for a double dose before you end up in
those woods outside."

You know, I really wish you're not going for such a cheap cop out as for
Ryoga's 'first curse'.

Hope, you mean, not wish?
No. There is no 'cure' for Ryouga's bad sense of direction. It is, however,
a handicap he will try throughout the fanfic to work around or mitigate.

<snip>


Coming from Nabiki the criticism wasn't bad, but Ryouga had been totally

unsympathetic. Really, the lost boy had always been that way, but for
some reason, Ranma always expected something of a more open ear and mind
from him. He and Ryouga had been through a lot together, and he
considered him his best friend, so why were they so often at odds, or
worse: at each other's throats? Over stupid things, no less? It couldn't
still be all about Akane, could it?

That's a mistake, I feel. I do believe Ranma thinks of Ryoga as a friend,
but that the one person he feels is his best friend is Ukyo. Personnal
opinion, of course.

The Ranma's Best Friend thing does have a few proponents on all sides
(Akane/Ukyou/Ryouga). However, as I recall, Ranma mentioned to Akari
that Ryouga was his best friend in the manga, or something close.

Ranma's friendship with the Nerimites is meant to be an important aspect
of TRTC, in that he has to work a lot of stuff to work out for his team to
operate effectively. You can already see that Ranma and Ryouga are close
friends in their own, somewhat antagonistic, way. Likewise, Ranma was
quick to defend Ukyou earlier when he thought the lost boy was
disrespecting her. Again, Ryouga and Ukyou have a more post manga-ish
relationship, which will be expanded on later... the sort of theme being
building some semi-healthy relationships and friendships amid the struggle
against the aliens.

<snip>


That left him to "baby-sit" the two girls: Ukyou and Shampoo. Ryouga had

agreed to pick up Kuno and let Ranma have Konatsu, which gave his team a
semi solid backbone at least. On paper, his squad was weaker than
Ryouga's, but had the potential to work better. Konatsu, despite the
connotations of being a kunoichi ninja, was a team player; eager to
please and be accepted, plus he had some nice skills. Ukyou and Shampoo
were also individually weaker than, for example, Kuno going all out or
Mousse at even half effort, but he had seen them work together before.

Debatable as to the relative abilities of Mousse, Ukyo and Shampoo.

True.
But to be fair, this is a Ranma-influenced PoV, so expect some bias.

Is end-manga Mousse "twice" as formidable as end-manga Shampoo?
It is difficult to really quantify, especially as Shampoo did give a good
account of herself in the Jusendo Arc.

<snip>


His mentor was an American, so he figured a handshake would be expected.

Bruce Banks was a large man in his thirties with a bald head and a well
trimmed black moustache. His size suggested he may have played football
in his youth, and he shook Ranma's hand firmly.

Good japanese characterization here. Reminds me of real life situations

I've

been in.

Thanks!
When I went to Japan, I could never really figure out how to 'measure' a
bow.
XCOM is still a very westernized organization, despite the fact that it
draws
people from all over the world into its ranks. Hence why, even in Japan,
English
is the primary language used and western mannerisms predominate. Later, it
is shown that even most of the commissary food is thematically western.

<snip>

He would find that face, that creature, and destroy it.

No matter what it took...

Interesting, overall. I'm sure to keep reading.

Thanks

Excellent! Thanks for the comments and the help!



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