<snip>
Regardless, she had been getting ready to head back to Nerima to find

Ranma, and offer her help beating down whatever Chinese Prince or other
lunatic was responsible, when a man from the Ministry of Justice had
contacted her. Again, that wasn't too unusual, though the feds normally
didn't get involved in martial arts skirmishes to her knowledge. She'd
talked to them before, so she hadn't been about to snub them now.

The term 'feds' is not appropriate for Japan. You probably should change to
something like 'police', 'Criminal bureau' or something along these lines
(you can find out about the police system here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Police_System_of_Japan


<snip>

The man they had ridden in the helicopter with also disembarked behind
them. He wore a black suit and tie, but his two friends walking up to
the martial arts trio didn't bother with the pretense. Both wore white
and gray urban fatigues; in a glance, Mousse discerned all the weapons
they carried, including the knife one had tucked into his right boot,
and the small pistol the other thought he was so clever hiding below his
left armpit. The one thing he couldn't find were their flags or their
rank insignia.

Though the ability to do so perfectly fits Mousse's own specialty, I feel
there's something slightly wrong in saying he's discerned everything _with a
glance_...


<snip>

She took a deep breath, and let the group digest what she had been said

Should be 'what she had said '


so far before finishing. "Six of you have already agreed to work with us

here in Japan, and I have spoken before with Mr. Tendo, Mr. Saotome, and
Mr. Hibiki. I wish to create not just two active duty squads of
exceptional individuals, but also establish a dojo in the base, under
the supervision of Mr. Tendo, who has told me he wishes for one of his
daughters to assist him. The other two, who I have been told are not
martial artists, will be employed in other areas as interns."

<snip>

"Ryu," the boy replied curtly. "Ryu Kumon."



Probably should be the other way around - Kumon,  Ryu Kumon.


<snip>


The gaping maw of Seiran welcomed them in, and the view transitioned

suddenly from a stark mountain-scape to an expanse of hangars and
sophisticated equipment. Two saucer shaped craft, larger looking than
the helicopters, sat unobtrusively in landing 'nests' with servicing
equipment running along the floor of the hangar spaces. Their surfaces
were smooth, save for semi-regular protrusions pointing downward and
outward that faintly glowed purple. Two men in orange vests or uniforms
stood nearby, in avertedly juxtaposing themselves with the otherworldly

inadvertently


craft, and also providing a size contrast. The saucer seemed to be at

least 20 meters in diameter.

As the helicopters flew deeper into the hangar space, a red "X" came
into view, emblazoned on the saucer craft. It was followed by two
numbers: "16" and - amazingly - a small silhouette of a woman holding a

'...followed by the number  "16" and...'  seems better

very long rifle or musket, with "Magic Bullet" below it in English.

Further into the hangar space, past the saucers, two more conventional
looking aircraft were fueled up and ready, their own ultra-high
technology and cutting edge design overshadowed by the genuine human
piloted flying saucers in their company.

The hangar doors closed and sealed behind the landing transport
helicopters, fully immersing the new arrivals in this surreal world of
human and reverse engineered alien technology. The hangar alone was
incredible and difficult to take in all at once. It was rectangular, and
perhaps five hundred meters in length, while the ceiling towered high
enough to easily accommodate a building like the Tendo Dojo within it.
Catwalks and service machinery snaked around the man made cavern, as did
pipes and storage areas for yet more equipment.

A short distance from where the helicopters landed, a large antechamber
or alcove housed at least eight small tanks, which seemed impossible for
human to actually enter and drive. More amazingly, four of the vehicles
weren't on treads, but instead seemed to have the lower body of a UFO,
sliced through the middle. They sat, like their larger cousins, in a
cushion built like a nest, made of silver and black metal coils. Another
man wearing an orange vest seemed to be working on one of the craft, as
he had tools and a computer with him as he sat by its side.

The sixteen arrivals exited their respective aircraft, and all but three
of them looked around in undisguised wonder. Even Ranma, Ryouga and
Soun, who had spoken previously with UNETCO officers, had not yet been
inside Seiran itself. For the two young martial artists who had seen El
Dorado, and many of the amazing wonders of that place, Seiran was
impressive simply by its size, and the fact that it existed in secret
not on some distant continent, but here in the heart of Japan.

One by one, they were directed to the unisex decontamination facility.
The men went first, taking off their clothes in a strip down room (to
Konatsu's slight embarrassment), before being put through wash down and
rapid drying. To the relief of those with Jyusenkyou curses, the decon
spray of mist was warm, and kept that way by the softly shining lights
above them. After being scanned by a medical device and giving a blood
sample from their index finger, each of them entered the last isolated
room to get changed.

Maybe you should somewhat expand with Kuno's reaction to Konatsu. It'd have
the added bonus of breaking a flow of not uninterresting but somewhat flat
and long description.

For a few silent seconds, everyone just looked at everyone else. Ukyou
without her chef's outfit or gear, Shampoo wearing normal clothes,
Mousse without his robes, Kuno without his bokken, Ranma and Ryouga
looking even more like each other than normal (especially without the
latter's bandannas) - it seemed to take a little while to sink in. It
was almost as if a line had been crossed, and they hadn't even fully
realized it until after the fact.

Whereas I can picture everyone going with the same clothes (uniform), I have
difficulty to believe everyone would go without their trademark accessories
(at least those who have them). Once again, if you go that direction, you
should show why they comply (and the previous little  speech from the Lt
Commander Yasuda isn't going to cut it, I'm afraid).



<snip>

"Hello everyone," he said, sounding friendly enough, but didn't bow. "My
name is Captain Joshua Ben-Solomon. Your other mentors will meet up with
you after you've had your first trip on the Reading Rainbow - the
Pedagogical Psionic Interface. We'll be putting in English reading,
writing, and speaking, along with a few maps and some other information.
It'll really help you find your way around the base. This way."

Leaving the room, Ranma couldn't resist leaning over to Ryouga and
quipping, "You better ask 'em for a double dose before you end up in
those woods outside."

You know, I really wish you're not going for such a cheap cop out as for
Ryoga's 'first curse'.


<snip>


Coming from Nabiki the criticism wasn't bad, but Ryouga had been totally

unsympathetic. Really, the lost boy had always been that way, but for
some reason, Ranma always expected something of a more open ear and mind
from him. He and Ryouga had been through a lot together, and he
considered him his best friend, so why were they so often at odds, or
worse: at each other's throats? Over stupid things, no less? It couldn't
still be all about Akane, could it?

That's a mistake, I feel. I do believe Ranma thinks of Ryoga as a friend,
but that the one person he feels is his best friend is Ukyo. Personnal
opinion, of course.


<snip>


That left him to "baby-sit" the two girls: Ukyou and Shampoo. Ryouga had

agreed to pick up Kuno and let Ranma have Konatsu, which gave his team a
semi solid backbone at least. On paper, his squad was weaker than
Ryouga's, but had the potential to work better. Konatsu, despite the
connotations of being a kunoichi ninja, was a team player; eager to
please and be accepted, plus he had some nice skills. Ukyou and Shampoo
were also individually weaker than, for example, Kuno going all out or
Mousse at even half effort, but he had seen them work together before.

Debatable as to the relative abilities of Mousse, Ukyo and Shampoo.

<snip>


His mentor was an American, so he figured a handshake would be expected.

Bruce Banks was a large man in his thirties with a bald head and a well
trimmed black moustache. His size suggested he may have played football
in his youth, and he shook Ranma's hand firmly.

Good japanese characterization here. Reminds me of real life situations I've
been in.

<snip>

He would find that face, that creature, and destroy it.

No matter what it took...

Interesting, overall. I'm sure to keep reading.

Thanks



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