Ha. Talk about delayed. But since I C&C stuff that's far more delayed than this
one, it's still good.
Homer Simpson: It's just a little bit delayed! It's still good! It's still
good!
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts, and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
On 12/16/05, Ben Jernigan <selfemployedninja@gmail.com> wrote:
New chapter to follow immediately, tho.
feedback most appriciated.
tho --> though
appriciated --> appreciated.
Homer Simpson: Those words don't really mean anything, Lisa! It's like
'ramalamadingdong' or 'give peace a chance'!"
Heh. Oh, don't mind me. Self-referential humor on several fics who don't really
take seriously the 'Feedback most appreciated' tag after getting critical
feedback that aren't favorable to them. (smug) We'll see. I know several people
who have eaten their words in regards to feedback. Will you become just another
victim?
The Pursuit of Happiness
Chapter 1
Formerly titled:
Love's Truth
Well, the new title _is_ catchier than the earlier one. <insert bad Artist
Formerly Known as Prince joke here>
Incidentally, your title is one-half of another fic's title I've read; yep,
it's been used before. Here's hoping that only the title of your fic has been
used before. Cheers.
Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and Viz.
And what about Shogakukan-Kitty-Fuji TV?
trip he wanted to take over the next school break, and the
galatic
galactic
The zargulon lasers
Suggest: Zargulon (since it's a specific name/label for the lasers)
(shudders) I feel the nerdiness commencing. Jeez, Zargulon lasers on an anime
fanfic featuring the ever-cliche uber-martial artist; can you get any geekier?
Ryoga: Well, I for one welcome our new Zargulon overlords!
"So you are paying that much attention, at least. Very
well, Mr. Saotome, since you have clearly been listening
to my lecture on American goverment,
goverment --> government
Huh. And why exactly should Japanese students be interested in learning about
the American Government?
"No, Mr. Saotome. And I quote: 'We hold these truths to
be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that
they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable
Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit
of Happiness.'"
Um, was the author doing his homework when he wrote this fic? Is this fic some
sort of memory-aid for a test or something?
"WHERE ON EARTH AM I NOW?!?!?"
Ah. Nothing says 'newbie' like the overuse of punctuation marks and writing in
all-caps. Even if you're not (a newbie), that'd be the general consensus of
most readers. Take that as you will.
In general, and especially considering that this is part of your opening scene,
I think you could do with more specific description and less summarizing. The
summarizing makes the scene distant, like we're just hearing about it rather
than actually experiencing it.
Ryoga Hibiki was lost. As is his habit, he cried out to
(wince) Suggest, 'As was his habit,' to keep the tenses consistent.
Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.
Also, nothing says 'newbie' than that particular cliche that is obviously soooo
Ryoga Hibiki. Such a cliche opening. Don't tell, show us, either by describing
his
actions or by narrating his thoughts and feelings from his own POV.
"Sorry, Akane, I just couldn't bear to destroy that perfect
a frizbee."
"So that's why you gave it to Daisuke! To use as a discus?!"
Ranma: No. To use it as a Frisbee.
"Yeah, he's on the track team, and that heavy of a discus
will really help him practice."
Akane: I thought it was a Frisbee.
Ranma: Huh. So did I.
"Rannnmmmaaa..."
"YOU JERK!!!"
*PUNT*
9_9 Gotta love 'em cliches. (sigh) Try to avoid stock, cliched descriptions.
Picture the situation in your mind and try to come up with a fresh take on it.
Shampoo takes out a scroll that is dusty, and apparently
quite old.
Shampoo took out a scroll that was dusty, and apparently quite old. (keep your
fic in one tense. If it's past tense, keep it past tense. If it's present
tense, keep it in present tense. Don't mix and match.)
He immediatly
immediately
Ryoga leapt to his feet and ran out the door, laughing
in what was supposed to be a maniacal fashion, but somehow,
still managed to be sexy.
Y'know, this fic reads like an anime filler episode.
*WHAM*
Okay, now this is about the second time I've seen you use this
onomatopoeia-type of writing style. I highly discourage this, mostly because
using sound effects in prose is mostly an exercise in futility. Pardon the pun,
but hear me out. While putting in sound effects is good for comics and the
occasional crappy spamfic, making use of sound effects when you can just
describe the action through prose and actual writing gives me the impression of
laziness on your part. In short, skip the 'Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma'am!' sound
effects and just tell the reader a story, okay?
"Geez, she didn't have to hit me so hard. Oh, well, I got
home faster. I wonder if Kasumi has anything to eat."
-_- I cannot emphasize enough just how wrong that line of dialogue is and how
much this fic needlessly wallows in cliche. In those three sentences, you've
just summarized everything that's wrong in Ranmafic... which is the fanon of
Akane Tendo being a violent maniac, and will assault Ranma with little to no
provocation whatsoever.
Ranma peeled himself out of the new Ranma-shaped depression
in the roof,
Ugh. When Takahashi did it the first time, it was hilarious. When the anime
began using it as a running gag, it was kinda funny. When Ranmafic authors kept
copying the same situation over and over again like an Internet Meme, well, it
just got lame.
and jumped down into the Tendo's yard.
Unfortunately, he landed on a large beach ball, bouncing
directly into the koi pond.
And here we have another lovely cliche. In regards to cliche, its erroneousness
isn't the fact that it almost never happens in actual canon material, it's just
that doesn't happen as often as people perceive. Overuse of cliche is needless
exaggeration, pure and simple. Overcoming the cliche and coming up with decent
plot points that doesn't give readers the feeling that they've been there and
read that,
now _that's_ a challenge that writers should strive for. Stop beating up the
dead horse.
"I swear that fish has better reflexes than me.
Now that's just... wrong. Hell, lots of Uber-Ranma fans would contend this
(Jeff Wong, for sure). Yes, Ranma suffers the occasional accident that leads to
the inevitable trip to the koi pond (occasional <> always), but that usually
happens through a comedy of errors and not through his own clumsiness.
"She baked a cake for me in Home Ec. today. It was inedible
as usual, but it was perfectly balanced and made a great
frizbee. I ended up giving it to Daisuke for him to
practice with."
"Oh. Is he on the track team?"
"Yeah. I figured that a discus as heavy as that would be
great for him train on."
Just so we're clear, a discus is not a 'frizbee'. Hell, 'frizbee' should be
spelled 'Frisbee' (replace the 'z' with an 's').
"In a fight, if I took the time t'think about what I was
doin', I'd have already lost the fight. If I need to think,
I use the Saotome secret technique."
Most of his wonderful, creative counters are done in pure reflex with as little
forethought put to them as possible? Well, now that's something to reflect
upon. It's interesting, to say the least. Debatable, but not entirely wrong...
though that'd make Ranma more like Ryoga then.
"Martial arts IS my life, Kasumi, I'm not smart like you or
nothin'. All I got goin' for me is my Art."
Ranma: See my fake New York accent? That shows how dumb I am!
New Yorkers: (boos and throws bricks at Ranma)
Home TV Shopping: Having trouble with your fanfic characterization? Not to
worry! Substitute your botchy characterization with Accents(tm)! Accents(tm) is
a product designed to whack the reader's head on just who's talking without the
tediousness of following 'canon precedents' and 'believable characterization'!
Just have a look at what some of our satisfied customers have to say:
Luna (Sailor Moon dub): I was a talking cat, for goodness sakes! How can the
producers ever characterize a talking guardian cat like myself? But thanks to
my bloody London Accent(tm), I don't need to share some bloody insights and
words of wisdom to sound important! Thank you, Accents(tm)! Oh look, it's tea
time....
Kenshin (Rurouni Kenshin fanfic): Oro? Sessha wa rurouni de gozaru.
Chou (Rurouni Kenshin fanfic): Yeehaw! I have an geeenuine 'Oh-sakan' accent,
translated directly from Japanese! Thanks, Accents(tm)! Holla back, y'hear? See
ya'll! What's up, girlfriend? Now don't be square now! Peace 'n love, brotha!
"Don't say that Ranma, you're very smart.
Hmmm. Your punctuation is all funny.
Suggest: "Don't say that, Ranma; you're very smart.
Or: "Don't say that, Ranma... You're very smart.
Also: "Don't say that, Ranma. You're very smart.
And if you wanted
Revise: extra space in between 'And' and 'if'.
"I do say so. So why don't you use the secret technique with
Akane?"
"What are you talkin' about?"
"Why don't you get away from her and think before you react
to her?"
Heh. Well, if Takahashi were writing this, that'd lead to another hilarious
comedy of errors that'd actually leave poor Akane crying... and chasing after
Ranma, to boot. ^_^
Akane: Why is he _running_ away from me? ;_; (cue mental angst)
*It must be because you're violent.*
*And a tomboy.*
*And fat. I mean, just look at those thighs!*
Akane: Argh! Kodachi, Shampoo, Ukyo! Stop whispering stuff to my ear and
pretending like you're voices in my head! I can _see_ you three, y'know!
"I mean, you don't wanna marry me, or kill me, or somethin'.
I can trust you."
"And you don't trust Akane?"
"Well, sorta, I guess. She sure doesn't trust me, tho!"
Awww. Also a debatable aspect of canon... Does Ranma really trust Akane, or
does she only trust her during moments of great need? Next on Springer.
Oh, and it's 'though', not 'tho'. Never mind the 'character's dialogue not
needing to be grammatical at times' thing, as I remember Ranma had very decent
grammar.
"Ranma, she just doesn't know how to express her feelings,
she really does like you a lot."
Suggest: "Ranma, she just doesn't know how to express her feelings; she really
does like you a lot." (replace the second comma with a semicolon)
A thoughtful silence decends upon the Tendo kitchen for
decends --> decended
a time. Finally, Ranma speaks up.
speaks --> spoke
Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.
"Kasumi, um, thanks."
"Whatever for?"
"Listenin' to me an' being my friend. I think you're
the only real friend I've got."
Oh great. Here we go again. Is this yet another replay of John Garrett's "Aijou
& Aitou" where the fanfic suspiciously reads like CORK propaganda? Kasumi in
both manga and anime canon was a kind and gentle sister-figure that
occasionally spoke in a frank, brutal, and insightful manner that is in
contrast to her seemingly unassuming behavior (for humor's sake, no doubt). To
have Ranma hardly consider all those other people around him as not being his
friends is unbelievable (even though, for the most part, he'd be right if he
did consider them enemies), and what little interaction he has with Kasumi is
barely enough to warrant calling her his only friend. If anything, she should
only be the big sister/mother figure he barely had.
Also... considering how Ranma isn't a very open, touchy-feeling kind of
person... no, he doesn't usually open his feelings to anyone (including Ukyo,
Kasumi, or whoever the author desires to pair him up with). If any such thing
happens it's just a chat between friends.
"Don't say that. You have friends, what about Ryoga,
and Ukyo?"
"Ryoga? I'd like to be his friend, but he blames
everythin' that ever went wrong in his life on me, even
when I had nothin' to do with it. Ukyo still freaks me
out by suddenly bein' a girl! 'Sides, she's after me
as much as Shampoo."
(ahem) Let me share with you a little reply from a C&C I gave to one of the
other people I've been corresponding with, Arun Prabhu, in regards to his lack
of knowledge of Ranma canon:
"We'll see. I finished reading all 38 mangas yesterday. I think I understand
Ranma and the cast a little better now. Akane's not the violent maniac that I'd
been led to believe and Ryouga is truly Ranma's friend. Genma is a well-meaning
idiot and Ranma is indecisive as hell. Did I miss anything?"
And he had just summarized and differentiated canon from fanon in those five
sentences. ^_^ How well do you think you've done in following manga canon? Or
hell, anime canon?
As a side note, I've heard one or a hundred variations of this scene in many a
Kasumi-Ranma fanfic.
Let's get things straight. Calling Ukyo cute is hardly the actions of a guy who
is freaked out by her 'suddenly bein' a girl!' Ranma hasn't thought of Ukyo as
a guy since he accidentally copped a feel towards the end of her origin story.
Ranma went on a date with Ukyo shortly afterwards and again during the Nabiki
as Fiancee storyline. In the Secret Sauce storyline, Ranma's reactions to a
fully dressed Ukyo in the bathroom and his bedroom prove he knows she's a girl.
Ranma went out of his way to make sure Ukyo still loved him in the Reversal
Jewel storyline.
And, canon-wise as well as anime-wise (considering those times when Ranma and
Ryoga cooperate against a main baddy to save Akane), Ranma considers Ryoga as
his buddy, pal, and rival. Hell, he said so himself. So the 'but he blames
everythin' that ever went wrong in his life on me' is hardly something that
keeps Ranma from seeing Ryoga as his friend (actually, _Akane_ is what's
keeping the two from being friends). That conclusion is exclusive to people who
have only seen so little and read so little about Ranma 1/2. So the conclusion
your fic Ranma has come upon is very much suspect.
It's your story, of course, and you can certainly change things around if you
really want to. Just be aware that doing so may set off the "author hasn't read
the series on which the fic is supposed to be based on" alarm in the readers'
minds. Make changes knowingly rather than out of ignorance, and only when they
really serve your story.
"I'm sorry, Ranma, I didn't know. I didn't realize that
someone with four fianc�s could be lonely."
fiancees (oh, and get rid of the funky '�' altogether and replace it with
plaintext 'e', since all posts in FFML is formatted in the universally-accepted
plaintext).
Also, the above statement sounds more like a sarcastic remark from Nabiki than
a genuinely sympathetic statement from Kasumi. My suspension of disbelief has
been allayed.
*Knock, Knock*
Suggest: Unseen, Akane heard someone knock on her door, her little duck-shaped
nameplate rattling as he did so.
"Oh, sorry I yelled at you. Come in."
Suggest: Oh. Sorry I yelled at you. Come in.
Ryoga sauntered in the doorway, seeming to strut
standing still.
(wince) I have no idea what you're trying to say here, so I merely suggest:
Ryoga sauntered in the doorway, seemingly strutting while standing still.
(which makes no sense to me at all)
"S-sure, Ryoga. That sounds fun."
(shrug) Suggest: S-Sure, Ryoga. That sounds like fun.
Ranma's danger sense went off as someone leaped at him
from behind. He twisted quickly throwing up his hands
to guard himself-
Revise: He twisted quickly, throwing up his hands to guard himself (add a comma
in between 'quickly' and 'throwing up')
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Unfortunately, her glomp
Ah, the ever-famous glomp. Nothing says 'fanfic' like 'glomp' and 'punt'. While
it read oh-so-funnily during the heyday of Kenko's "Girl's Days', nowadays it's
just... old. Suggest revision. "Glomp" is a tired old cliche; I suggest not
using it unless you can do something really fresh or clever with it. Try to
come up with an at least semi-original description of what these actions look
like.
hit him off-balance, and
carried them both into the door, pushing it open and
spilling them onto Akane's floor.
To implement the misunderstanding premise, I suggest you'd have to be more
creative (as opposed to the 'Akane's bad cooking' premise or 'Skyward ho,
Ranma!' premise that have done and overdone). This creativity in implementing
the different situations where misunderstandings may arise gives more depth and
realism to the scene, and thus dispels cliche.
_______________________
Akane's mind was in a whirl. Ryoga liked her? He was
asking her out?
Pffft. Going by manga canon, this wasn't the first time that Ryoga had ever
expressed his adoration of Akane. Hell, they've even been on a date together
thanks to Ukyo. If you're going by anime canon, then you're out of luck too,
buddy. I've seen filler episodes that specifically deal with Ryoga outright
showing his affection by means of flowers, asking for dates, her hand in
marriage and some such. So Akane's mind going in a whirl because of this is...
inconceivable. <insert Princess Bride reference here>
Besides, maybe Ranma will get jealous! This is a win-win
situation, she thought.
Well, for good or for ill, at least you got that part right. Akane _would_ do
something similar to what she's doing now... using good ol' Ryoga to make Ranma
jealous, I mean.
Akane reached behind her and pulled out a bucket of
cold water, which she promptly threw at Ranma and
Shampoo. Suddenly, a female Ranma was on the floor,
attempting to get the cat off of her shoulder.
(claps) Kudos to you for not making her pull a mallet.
"Shampoo, get off of him! Ranma, HOW COULD YOU!?! Get
out of my room!! I can't belive
believe
"As you wish," he said. He then opened the door and held
it for her, sending a sauve
suave
You _do_ have a spell-checker at hand, right? If not, get one.
"What is wrong with you, you pervert? First you time to
play some kind of kinky sex game with Shampoo in MY room,
(Erhm) First off, the 'First you time' part of Akane's dialogue sounds rather
awkward and wrong. Secondly, since when has Akane accused Ranma of playing a
'sex game'?
then you let her hurt poor Ryoga!"
(snort) ...Then _this_. C'mon, you do know how Akane usually reacts to Ranma,
right? Your Akane acts rather... ficcish for my taste. Don't get me wrong, it's
obvious that you've done your best to base her characterization closely on
canon Akane (complete with insecurities and all). The _main_ problem I have
with your Akaneis her lingering angst towards Ranma during this critical
moment. Canon Akane is more of a reactive type who only acts after she _sees_
proof of a great wrong done by Ranma (whether it's only in her head or not).
_Otherwise_, she won't have any lingering hatred for, or bad impression of,
Ranma. She doesn't presume the worst from the get-go... she sees something
first (clone hugging Ranma, for example) _then_ goes ballistic by presuming the
worst. For example:
Ranma simply enters Akane's room without leave and Akane immediately presumes
in her mind that Ranma's there to pilfer her underwear and do perverted stuff =
OOC.
Ranma's mirror clone enters Akane's room and pilfers her underwear to try on,
Akane immediately presumes (and with good reason) that it's _Ranma_ who's
pilfering her underwear and doing perverted stuff = IC.
Akane sees Shampoo attack Ryoga, presumes it's Ranma's fault = OOC.
Akane sees Shampoo attack Ryoga after Ranma, in his panic, throws that cat into
the directionally-challenged boy's face, presumes it's Ranma's fault = IC.
Ranma's voice was growing calmer, and an odd look appeared
in his eye.
Uh-oh. It's fic-Ranma-has-enough-of-fic-Akane's-antics time. This is the
oh-so-overused time when fic Ranma suddenly gets 'fed up' by fic Akane's
(notice the 'fic' appellation on Akane's name as well as Ranma's) insecurities,
then runs to the arms of, say, Kasumi, Ukyo or Nabiki. But not usually Shampoo
or Kodachi, from what I've read. (sigh) Like I haven't seen that before. Like I
haven't just recently C&Ced a fic or ten that contained _that_ very plot point.
"Getting away? I saw you getting off, like the pervert you
are! You enjoy her throwing herself at you like that!"
Kasumi: Oh my! What foul language!
Ranma's voice was past calm now, almost cold.
Ranma: The limit of Akane's accusations has been reached, please try again in
one hour.
9_9 (sighs) I've seen variations of this scene done in... A Deadly Choice by
Nidoking, For Better or For Worst-Case Scenario by Adrian Moten, A Time for
Wild Horses by Jose Argao, _certainly_ Aijou & Aitou by John Garrett, and
Ranma the Assassin by 'NiChOlAs'(sic), just to name a few.
Ranma: (scratches head) Gee, I do get fed up often in fics, don't I? What a
coin-ki-dink.
Ranma's cold front cracked, and his hands balled into fists
unwittingly, outwardly betraying his inward battle to
control his anger. Akane's eyes widened as she belately
noticed that Ranma wasn't acting normal.
No shit, Sherlock Fic. Me? I saw it a mile away. Look at my references above.
It's a well-documented and common fic phenomenon.
Before him lay a strange sight.
The Hibiki boy, laying on the floor, naked and bleeding.
laying --> lying
Wow. That was some cat scratch that Shampoo has. Perhaps Shampoo has learned
the Nekoken?
Ranma: SSSHH! Don't give the fanboys any ideas!
He went to Akane and asked her what was wrong. Her only
response was to sniffle and say "He's gone.". He quickly
You don't need the period after "He's gone." (the one that comes _after_ the
quotation mark, I mean)
Ranma sat on the roof.
Ranma: (fiddles)
What he was doing was crying. He'd just had his heart broken,
after all. He was alone, and glad of it, because, in his
current mood, he would probably have killed any witnesses
to this show of emotion.
If that were true (killing witnesses with his show of emotion) then he might as
well kill Akane, 'coz Akane has seen him cry at the near end of the Moxibustion
arc, when she poked him where Kuno hit him with his kendo stick in the first
volume, after the Romeo and Juliet play arc, and during the Super Soba arc.
Believe me, Ranma cries _a lot_.
So lemme get this straight... things happened in a business-as-usual manner and
Ranma out-of-the-blue _snaps_ at Akane's wild accusations without so much as
the slightest provocation (and he acted like a complete saint then too, not
teasing Akane at the very least) and then just calls it quits? Right. Sure. If
it has happened in fanfics hundreds of times, then it must be true, right?
Vladimir Lenin would certainly agree.
I'd certainly find it more believable (Akane making some wild accusations
and/or hits Ranma and it affects Ranma in a major way) if there's some
underlying or major plot point behind the slap that Ranma saw. For example, in
the Yamatano Orochi of Ryuugenzawa arc, Akane slapping Ranma to protect
Shinnosuke may not seem like much, compared to the beatings she has given him
during other quarrels, but this is really a major confrontation. Ranma doesn't
know that Shinnosuke is dying--when he attacks the collapsing boy, he thinks he
is merely exploiting an opening. And Akane not just interferes in a fight, but
for the first time ever sides with his opponent against him. As far as he
knows, Akane's slap is the final gesture of rejection, telling him that she has
dumped him for Shinnosuke.
Sooo... I'd find it more believable if Akane has done an action wherein Ranma
gets convinced that Akane's dumping him for Ryoga or something... instead of
usual, ho-hum confrontational 'I call off the engagement 'coz you're mean,
Akane!' thing that has been recycled in many a fic over and over.
Nabiki was relaxing in her room, reading a manga. It was a
romantic comedy, one of her favorites. Out of habit, she
glanced at her stereo/surveillance system.
(snaps fingers) Damn, and you were doing so good too, portraying Nabiki as seen
in canon without all the fanficcy trimmings! But then you just _had_ to spoil
everything and add the stereo/surveillance system bit, didja? (groans) Well,
let's get a few things straight: Nabiki has just about no money (why else would
she be so miserly?), and she has no 'underworld connections' of any sorts. She
is not a mob boss. She is NOT a Yakuza leader. This illusion springs from the
fact that Nabiki is very persuasive and clever when she wants to be. Her
'power' is based off subtle influence and being at the right place at the right
time. Seeing that she's so miserly, she obviously does NOT have surveillance in
their house. She'd rather spend her cash on clothes and girly stuff than
surveillance cameras and a gun (*sigh* as well-written a fic as "Hearts of Ice"
was, I have to admit that it had some hand in propagating the Fanon Legend of
Nabiki's 'small business earnings').
_If you really want to go fanon_, then please... tone it down a notch or two or
do something fresh with it so it doesn't seem like an oft-repeated internet
meme. The high-end equipment is _seriously_ stopping me from suspending my
disbelief.
Currently, two
of the meters were jiggling, showing that there was noise
in the dining room, and on the roof.
<The roof?..>
Revise: <The roof?> (get rid of the half-hearted attempt at an ellipsis)
Or: <The roof...?> (if you want Nabs to trail off)
today. It had seemed a little more vicous
vicous --> vicious
than normal.
To say that she was surprised by what she heard would be
an understatement.
"He's... crying? I've never heard him cry. EVER.
Wrong. Ranma has a tendency to bawl like a baby for a man among men... and he
wasn't even in girl form then. An argument could be made about Nabiki never
actually _seeing_ Ranma cry, but then again knowing how Nabiki plays Ranma like
an instrument almost everyday to the point of knowing everything there is to
know about Ranma, she shouldn't be this shocked at seeing Ranma crying; she'd
_know_ that he's not really one of those overly-macho types that don't cry,
despite what he'd say.
This is
big. I gotta talk to Akane."
If Akane had done something that would chase Ranma away,
it could cost Nabiki a lot of money.
At least that's what she told herself.
Nabiki: Well, it's mostly true.
Antvasima: You're true to form as usual, Ms. Evil Incarnate!
Akane sat up in bed, where she had been laying and feeling
sorry for herself. He was crying? He never cried.
Wrong. Read the manga first, watch the anime second, and read fanfics last.
That's the best way of avoiding such wild fanon conclusions.
Wait... he
only went up on the roof? He must not have really meant it.
She was safe.
"So? It's not my fault."
"Akane, don't you think you ought to talk to him? I think
you hurt him bad."
"I don't care! That pervert had it coming!"
(sigh) OOC.
<Hmph. I'll let him stew overnight, then talk to him
tomorrow. He'll be so glad to see me by then, I won't have
to apologize. Not that I really need to.>
Right. Of course it's normal for her to not apologize... NOT. FYI, she's the
one who has apologized and/or felt guilty about her actions the most times.
Akane is one of the few people who does feel bad about her behavior, and
apologizes several times... as opposed to many of the characters who
practically never apologizes or feels bad about their actions. So seeing her
act so immaturely like this is iffy to me.
"Airen?"
"Shampoo, *snif*
*sniff*
...But I'd rather you quit it with the onomatopoeias altogether.
please. Not now."
Denying her attempt at a hug, Ranma turned his back to
Shampoo. Her inability to see his tears was only a convenient
side effect.
It's the return of RANMANGST!
Nabiki had a hard time getting back into her manga after talking
to Akane. She kept glancing over at her stereo. She began to
wonder how many tears the boy had in him.
Okay, at this point, even canon Nabiki would be worried. He's really bawling
his eyes out for something that occurs rather often in fanfics, somewhat often
in the anime, and 'improves as time passes' in the manga. The Akane-Ranma
arguments, I mean.
After half an hour of this, she got up and walked downstairs.
She found her sister dusting something that, to Nabiki at least,
appeared to be perfectly clean.
Wow. Here we are. The author _is_ capable of show, not tell. Kudos.
"Kasumi, something's wrong."
"Oh? What?"
"Ranma. He's up on the roof, and he's been bawling his eyes
out for a half-hour now. Akane won't go talk to him, and I'm-
well I'm a little worried about him, but I'm no good at
sympathizing and stuff. So.. could you?",
So... could you?" (get rid of the stray comma, complete the ellipsis)
she trailed off,
gesturing upward.
"Of course. Just help me get the ladder out."
W-ell, for good or for ill, that _is_ a reasonable, believable way of getting
Kasumi with Ranma... Nabiki asking her for help and her agreeing to it, I mean.
Well, believable save for the fact that Ranma had just overreacted to an
argument which he usually gets from (fic) Akane. Why'd he snap on that
particular argument anyway? And Ryoga asking her for a date is no excuse, since
they've dated.
She slowly walked towards Ranma, taking care not to slip.
She stopped about five feet from him.
"Ranma?"
"Lemmme alone, Ka-
'Lemmme' alone? So the term is 'Let me alone' now? Sounds Engrish to me.
Revise: "Leave me alone, Ka-"
*snif* Kasumi. I don't wanna see anyone
right now."
Kasumi: Well then, close your eyes. That way you won't see me.
Ranma: ....
Kasumi: (waves her hand over her face a la John Cena) You can't see me!
(giggles)
"Don't you mean you don't want anyone seeing you cry?"
Ranma's head whipped up in indignation, "I ain't crying!
Guys don't cry, dammit!"
Ranma: E-E-Except when they've become too weak to lift even their own backpacks
and stuff! (sniffle)
Kasumi: Wow. Sounds profound.
"You're right, Ranma, guys don't cry. Men do. Men aren't
afraid of their own emotions, or what people think of them."
Ranma: Well, now _that_ sounds profound!
"Yeah. Then Akane and Ryoga walked out of her room. He
pulled Shampoo off me, but then Akane laid into me."
Akane: I _what_?!
Ranma: (fidgets) No way am I going to say that sentence again.
(sigh) Are you sure 'laid into' are the words you had in mind when you wrote
that? Sounds wrong to me. Like the oft-mentioned cliche goes...
Akane: HENTAI!
Ranma sighed and continued.
"She blamed me for messin' up her date, and accused me
of wantin' to do... stuff... with Shampoo in her room.
Ranma: That was when I _knew_ that I was in danger... fanfic Akane isn't
someone you want to mess with, y'know?
Ukyo's Ghost (The Bitter End): (nods sagely)
"I just up and walked out. I hurt so bad, though. She
doesn't trust me, she hates me, and I'm tired of it."
(sigh) ...If this were only fresh, new, and actually provable in canon that's
not fanon...
Akane: How _dare_ you. How dare you insinuate that _that_ one particular slip
of the tongue constitutes everything in our... relationship! You're just like
those rabid fans who cling to what they've learned from poorly written
fanfiction and several episodes of the anime, often ignoring the original manga
altogether! If I _really_ hated you, then would I have helped you during the
time you fell in the pool with Kuno, carry you home and then bring you to Dr.
Tofu? Would I have tried to save your life when Sentarou tried to kill you
while you were helpless if I truly did hate you? Would I have freed you from
the memory belt if I hated you? W-Would I have pretended to be your wife and
let you sleep in my room when you ruined Ukyo's secret sauce if I really did
hate you? Dammit, Ranma, I would risk my life for you if the situation called
for it! So do petty arguments have precedence to everything I've done for you?
If all that still means that I hate you, then FINE! I HATE YOU!
Ranma: (tugs at Kasumi's sleeve) Did you hear that? THAT PROVES IT! She HATES
me! (bawls)
Kasumi: (comforts)
Akane: Arrrrgh! (contemplates going 'Bitter End' on Ranma's ass)
"I can't believe that. She means it. Why else would she
say it time and time again?
See: Ranma's big mouth + Jealousy + Events conspiring against him.
I -sorta- cared for her. That's
why it hurt. But I've had enough. I can't- won't take that
crap anymore. It's not worth it."
News flash. Though Akane progressively got worse in every new medium her
character gets into (to the point where there's a video game featuring her
using the proverbial mallet as an actual, honest-to-goodness attack), I really,
_really_ doubt that the scenario you just presented above is enough to make
Ranma say that.
On the flipside of things, though Ranma usually keeps to himself about matters
of the heart, I really doubt that a simple argument (as presented here in this
fic) is enough to become the straw to break the proverbial horse's back.
Even if Ranma had a crappy fic Akane in his hands (though Bitter End fic Akane
would be somewhat stretching it), he'd have enough tolerance to take a simple
argument in stride, even with the usual involvement of jealousy,
misunderstanding, and Ryoga; remember, he's the never-give-up type of guy who
would rather go along with the current status quo of continuous arguments than
have Akane forget about him altogether (the arc where Shampoo used her special
formula Shampoo on Akane seen in _both_ anime and manga sources confirm this).
Ranma loves a challenge, and Akane's the type of challenge that's 'worth it' in
Ranma's eyes (a theory, of course, but a theory that's supported by canon). So
if he can (theoretically) have a somewhat lengthy relationship with fic Akane,
what more an IC Akane?
Simply put, the conflict you're trying out in your fic isn't believable simply
because it seems like you're actually _forcing_ the characters to go about your
fic's machinations. So far, the only characterization that doesn't feel
strained and unnatural is Kasumi's.
He grew visibly more angry
more angry --> angrier
Huh. Well, that's certainly a reversal of roles.
Akane: Huh? What... HEY!
with each statement. The last
came out as a snarl.
Calming, he continued.
Er, suggest: As he calmed down, he continued.
"I've been thinkin' about something I heard in school
today. 'Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness'."
"From the Declaration of Independence."
"Yeah, that.
Kasumi: ...We don't have anything like that, as far as I know and care.
Ranma: Yeah, well, I'm quite feeling North American right now.
Anyway, I been thinkin', I'm sure as hell
not happy, so maybe I should start pursuing it."
Ranma: Me? Not happy? Says who?!
Fic: Says me!
Ranma: ...Okay.
"Her pride is no longer my problem. She broke the
engagement again, but for once I agree. I'm breaking it
from my end, too."
Hmmm. Despite my reservations on the premise of this fic, I have to admit that
one line had quite the impact on me as a reader. 'Her pride is no longer my
problem', I mean. The coolness of that one line is almost enough to make me to
accept the dubious premise your fic has... Psych! :P Though, really, I don't
have any trouble with your _ends_... it's your _means_ that I find debatable. I
have no problem with Ranma realizing Akane's faults, getting fed up and dumping
her (though it's been done and overdone), I just feel that you don't realize
just how deep and complicated a bond these two characters share. As evidenced
by their dreams about each other, they _do_ like each other. Underneath the
underneath, their relationship isn't just composed of arguments; it's also
composed of real caring for each other. If you're going to split them up, then
the arguments aren't enough, or these would have been enough in the source
material. Something has to be done with their _feelings_ first to make this
ultimatum of Ranma believable; their feelings are where you should build
conflict, not their petty bickering.
"I see. Our fathers aren't going to be happy about that."
"I know. I gotta find a way to satisfy honor."
Here we go.
Ranma: Kasumi...
Kasumi: Oh Ranma...
Ranma: ...I Guess I'm going to have to lock my curse and marry your dad, then.
Kasumi: ...Oh.
Silence reigned for a moment as the two chewed over their
thoughts.
'Chewed' over their thoughts sounds a bit too informal for prose, as if the
dialogue has spilled into the narrative. Suggest revision.
"If the family honor means I'm gonna be miserable for the
rest of my life, then it can go jump off a pier. I've
suffered enough for honor."
That doesn't sound very Japanesey to me. A Japanese person would sooner jump
off a pier than be dishonored, after all. And I do believe that, despite the
pigtail, Chinese shirt, and constant complaints about the forced engagement,
Ranma _is_ Japanese. Japanese people would do things to 'weasel out' of honor
the way lawyers weasel through loopholes in various laws, but to have Ranma
outright saying that honor means squat to him? That sounds very
American/Westerner/Gaijin-like.
Ranma: GAIJIN SMASH!
Here're four quick questions I'd like you to answer for yourself: in either the
anime or the manga... or hell, just the anime since I'm feeling dangerous...
has Ranma ever expressed dissatisfaction over Akane's actions as portrayed by
your fic? Has Ranma ever indicated that he's fed up by Akane's antics or is on
the verge of being fed up? Can you cite whatever episode/OAV/issue/most
anything except fanfic where this happens? Or did you, as an author, simply
think, "If I were Ranma, I'd be fed up with that sort of relationship! Ergo,
Ranma should be fed up with Akane!"?
"What will you do?"
And so Ranma swam back to China to find the Jusenkyo springs... No wait, that
would make too much sense...
"I dunno. Probably just leave. Renounce my name, so I don't
have to worry about fiances, or debts, or my mom.
Definitely, without a doubt, OOC.
Then go
looking for happiness somewhere else. I don't wanna marry
anyone who's chasing me now, anyway. Shampoo would have me
be her "househusband"
Yeah, he shouldn't really be marrying Shampoo, but for different reasons than
the ones you've cited. OTOH, the lengths that Shampoo goes through just to get
Ranma (planning to murder Akane and blaming it on Taro, for example) can be a
turn-on to some people... I just doubt Ranma would be too pleased with the
fact. But I digress...
when we got back to the amazon village,
Amazon village,
Ucchan, hell- I still think of her as a guy!
Myth.
I'd just as
soon marry Ryoga.
Ranko: (Genma's Daughter) W-ell...
Kodachi's nuts. Akane- well, she hates me."
Akane: That's it. Fine. Never mind all the times I helped you in _both_ anime
and manga!
Nabiki: Hey, easy on hammering the fourth wall, sis.
Kasumi: (sighs) I guess these Western Fanfic Authors can _never_ understand the
differences between petty bickering and actual hatred in our culture. For them,
things should always be clear cut. When you're angry, you're angry. When you're
happy, you're happy. The complexities of displaying emotion, saying one thing
and meaning another, and reading between the lines are beyond them if they can
help it.
Akane: Feh. Gaijin.
"I see. Those are problems."
"Yeah. Thing is, I wanna see my mom again. I miss her- a
lot. But if I reject my name, I'll never get to be her son."
Ha. Then he's already made his second mistake. It's quite obvious that what
Nodoka really wants is to have her son back, such that she is willing and able
to see his manliness (braveness, honor, etc) despite her female guise.
"Oh, my. You mean, me?"
Ranma: (scratches head) Well, by process of elimination, I don't see why not.
Kasumi: But you're much too young for me, and younger men bore me. Tell you
what. I'll find a way to make Akane clear things up with you, okay? Okay.
(saunters off)
Ranma: But, ah--(sighs) So much for the fic premise...
CORK: BOOOOOOOOO!!! Bring back Ranma and Kasumi together!
"Yeah. We get along, right? Way better than me and Akane,
at least. We just try it out, and if we don't, well- hit
it off, I leave, and never come back."
"What about Nabiki?"
Ranma: I just got this gut feeling that it won't work out... like it's already
been written beforehand to definitely fail. Call it a hunch. Call it...
destiny.
Adrian Moten: (pouts)
"I suppose it would be too much to ask that one of your
reasons be fondness for me, too."
"Don't be silly, Ranma. I wouldn't agree if I didn't at
least like you."
Kasumi: Why, I liked you so much that I automatically foisted Akane upon you to
be your fiancee! That's how much I like you!
(groan) Kasumi's nice, but if you're going to go about, er, making her fandom's
next Saint Ukyo, then... here's an a la 'Weakest Link' good-bye to you.
(harrumphs) Guh-bye.
"Good. I've had enough of forcing myself on women who
hate me."
Ranma: (blinks)
Akane: So... you were _forcing_ yourself on me?
Ranma: Hell no! I'm indecisive as hell. I force myself to nobody. Let all my
problems sort themselves out, and I'm happy the way things are.
Akane: The fic says otherwise.
Ranma: Yeah, well, the fic can jump the shark for all I care.
"So.. financees?", Ranma said, holding out his hand to
Kasumi.
First off: "So... (complete the ellipsis)
Revise: financees --> fiance (since she's referring to Ranma)
To illustrate...
Ranma: (a 'fiance')
Akane: (a 'fiancee')
Nabiki: (a 'financer')
Genma: (a 'financee'/'freeloader')
Um, also... no. Just... no. If Kasumi had said, "So... friends?" it'd make
sense, but 'financees (sic)'? How about... not using this sort of exchange
altogether 'coz it sounds weird and stilted?
"Fiancees," she replied, and shook his hand. She softly
sat down beside him.
Fiancees --> Fiancee
You may be under the wrong impression that 'fiancees' refers to both male and
female betrothed... Um, no.
fiance (one e for a man)
fiancee (two e for a woman)
Oh, and finally... this is a weird exchange. I don't see this happening in real
life too often, i.e., it's too unbelievable.
Ranma leaned back carefully and relaxed. After talking
things through, he felt much better, and was able to look
at the stars and again appriciate
appreciate
their beauty. He felt
Kasumi lay back beside him, stil
still
holding his hand.
How... cloying.
CORK: YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
"Do you know where any constellations are, Kasumi?"
"Yes."
She pointed up and showed him fanciful animals and mythic
men. They stayed there and watched the stars until late at
night. Kasumi worried only briefly about her interrupted
dusting.
As per usual in Ranma-Kasumi 'ship fics, Ranma and Kasumi's relationship has
immediately blossomed after two cut scenes. Ga-h.
I can understand where everyone's coming from in regards to the rather
complicated Akane-Ranma relationship, but I'd rather have that than an
unrealistic portrayal
of a couple where, after just hooking up, everything immediately becomes
honky-dory perfect and romantic. Akane-Ranma works because it's interesting and
it's realistic in its portrayal of the ups-and-downs of a relationship...
miscommunication, the way it slowly progresses, unwillingness to reveal one's
true feelings from the get-go, hesitation, fear of commitment, fear of ruining
a friendship or the status quo, slowly developing feelings by knowing the other
person gradually, having intense attraction to one another marred by your
differences, sexual tension... now that's interesting reading! What you have
here is, well, something that's too good to be true. They've talked for like,
what? Two times in this fic, and now they've hooked up, and everything's fine?
Jeez, if things were that easy in real life, then... heh, overpopulation will
_really_ become a problem. Well, what I meant to say is that if things were
really that unrealistically easy for couples, then nobody would be lonely.
_And_ if you really don't want that an extensive a re-write, then there's
option no. 2; let things be honky-dory for Ranma and Kasumi for a little while,
then the other shoe drops in the later chapters. Boom. There's your conflict.
(sighs) I miss fics that have at least a modicum of logical plot progression
and conflict within them. Anand Rao's Kasumi, and Spice, and Everything Nice
(one of the premiere fics featured by CORK) springs into mind. Yet, I do not
recommend you reading that for the sake of improving your fic; your fic is
derivative enough as is. My advice to you is to stop the otaku wish fulfillment
of having Ranma end up with a nice girl like Kasumi (a variation of the St.
Ukyo theme found in many fics) and start writing an actual fic where there's
actual conflict before there's resolution. Make Kasumi and Ranma work for it.
Make Ranma realize that Kasumi is not his quick fix for Akane, and that trying
to have a relationship with an older woman that, before this whole debacle even
started, was more of a big sister/surrogate mother to him than anything else is
inherently problematic. What changed his mind? Why'd he spill the beans to her
when he couldn't before to anyone/everybody else? Why _her_, exactly? Just
because the author said so? I hope that's not the case.
_____________________
Inside, Nabiki had a worried look on her face.
"Akane's not gonna like this..."
_____________________
End Chapter 1
Pusuit
Pursuit
of Happiness
By Ben Jernigan
I would just like to note that even the pursuit of Happiness and the so-called
American Dream is fraught with peril. You have to earn your happiness in the
Land of the Free, right? Ranma didn't earn anything today; he just whined,
quit, and then went on the rebound on Kasumi. Please, make him earn his
happiness.
selfemployedninja@gmail.com
_______________________
Revision Notes: I removed the cat-fist scene as I felt it
was too contrived,
There was a cat-fist scene. O_o
and that the cat fist itself is too
much of a fanfic cliche (especially in Ranma/Kasumi fics.
weird, huh?).
There was a cat-fist scene. O_o
Hopefully, the new scene flows a bit better
and seems more natural.
(ahem)
I'm trying hard to keep everyone
in character as much as I can. The only people I want OOC
are Ranma (more introspective, and tired of the crap),
...And by doing so, you've made him become a Ranma that barely resembles his
canon namesake.
and
Kasumi (having a personality at all, beyond the charicature
Great. We've now come to this. Correcting the author's notes. (ahem)
charicature --> caricature (unless you're trying to be cute by making a
portmanteau of 'character' and 'caricature'... I somehow doubt that)
Also... are you kidding me? Caricature? Kasumi's very insightful and
intelligent, even in the "Holiest of Holy Canon, the Original Manga", Kasumi is
quite perceptive. When Nabiki pretended to love Ranma, Kasumi saw right through
her trick. She's borrowed a book about acupuncture from Dr. Tofu,
too--something that not just any idiot can read. Kasumi's just unusually
optimistic, that's all.
of the perfect housewife). It's tough to keep Akane in
character,
I'd say you're having quite the trouble.
but I think I've managed to avoid the fanfic
cliche pitfall of the "demonic Akane" who can do no right.
Er...
My Akane is quick tempered and immature, but she does love
Ranma, and will learn from her mistakes.
Riiiight. _Of course_ it's fic Akane's fault. Has it ever occurred to you that
if Ranma were more decisive, then things wouldn't be so bad? Akane's usual
triggers-to-anger are jealousy and Ranma's teasing, while Ranma's defense
mechanisms are keeping mostly to himself about his feelings and teasing Akane.
Will it be in
time? I'm not telling.
......
...So by all intents and purposes, you were _already_ doing your very best to
avoid cliche, yet you still left behind a lot of cliche concepts such that
we're at the point where stating that something is cliche is getting cliche in
and of itself? (has a terrible headache)
(exhales) Here we go again. Like King Solomon allegedly said, "There is nothing
new under the sun."
While it's certainly not true that every possible plot twist or character
twitch has already been used up, some have been more heavily mined than others
in fanfiction. Some of them have been done so often (and so often badly) that
the experienced reader, upon seeing someone attempting to 'reinvent the wheel',
can only sigh and think, "Here we go again."
So far, this reads as just another contrived Ranma-Kasumi fic... (and I still
don't know what's the point of mentioning 'zargulon (sic)' lasers at the start
of the fic). Suffice it to say that I just don't feel very satisfied with this
chapter of your fic in regards to both content and grammar. Not at all. But
more on that later... Right now, it's time to get a move on. Onto part 2!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pursuit of Happiness
Chapter 2
Formerly Titled:
Love's Truth
By Exar A.K.A. Ben Jernigan
selfemployedninja@gmail.com
_______________________
Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and Viz, not me. This
story is in no way a claim to these characters. I make no
money from this.
_______________________
Ranma opened the door and entered, attempting and failing to
be appear casual.
Pick: 'to be casual' or 'to appear casual'. Don't use both.
<God she's beautiful.Why'd I ever call her uncute?>
beautiful. Why'd (put space in between two words)
Ranma stood silent for a moment, trying to speak,
unsuccessfully.
Which was he unsuccessful at? Standing silent for a moment or trying to speak?
Suggest: Ranma stood silent for a moment, trying unsuccessfully to speak.
Or: Ranma stood silent for a moment, trying unsuccessfully to break the ice.
(just to pepper your prose up)
"Well? Talk already, you idiot!"
(sigh) Fic Akane's got her dose of angry pills, no doubt.
"Akane, I-I love you. I have for a while now."
I have no idea what his motivation would be in saying that. It's pointless and
it's out of his character to say such things (even if it _is_ a dream sequence)
without some strong motivation to push him to do that.
<There. I
said it!>
Akane: (looks around) B-But I'm not in mortal danger! T-This isn't a time of
great need! Why would you even say such a thing?! Are you mocking me? Do you
enjoy playing with my feelings, Ranma?
Ranma: A-Akane, I didn't realize...
Akane: Psych! (smiles, pecks Ranma on the cheek) Love you too, Ranma.
Akane haters: OOC!
"You love me? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard!
Don't you get it? I hate you! I never wanted to be engaged
to you, and would never marry you! I've tried everything I
could think of to get rid of you since you first got here!
Hitting you several times a day,
I'd betcha she wouldn't hit him so much if he were to fess up whether he
actually likes her or not. It's shown quite clearly in the manga and more than
hinted upon (more like hitting the viewers' head with rather obvious clues) in
the anime.
cooking nuclear waste,
Now you're just exaggerating.
sabotaging your cures and your relationships with your other
fiancees,
She actually helps Ranma quite a lot in getting his cure. Hell, she actually
helps Ranma quite a lot _period_. For example, if she were really out to
sabotage Ranma's relationship with his other fiancees, then she wouldn't have
helped Ranma prepare for his date with Kodachi in the manga. In _fact_, even in
the oft-mentioned Ranma anime (which many fans cite to support their fanon
beliefs), I remember one particular movie where Akane actually helps Ranma get
his cure, even at the risk of her becoming Akane-otoko a la 'Ranma nibunnoichi
- Ranma no Hentai!!'. And _really_, aren't the other fiancees usually the ones
who do the sabotaging (whether subtle and not so subtle). While we're at it, if
Akane _does_ 'sabotage' Ranma's relationship with the other fiancees, isn't
that more of an indication that she cares for Ranma instead of, say, hate him?
but nothing's worked! And now you say you love me?
THAT'S PATHETIC!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
Just so we're clear, I'm well-aware that this is a dream sequence.
Nevertheless, I still don't buy this type of whiny, angsty, emo Ranma that gets
all riled up with Akane's antics. And don't even think that you're portrayal of
this type of angsty, fed-up Ranma is in any way fresh and new. You can probably
even excuse this as 'alternate universe,' but even if that's the case, the
fatal sameness of it to other fics will keep on creeping in.)
Ranma grabbed his head in his hands and screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Darth Vader: Yep.
_______________________
Ranma sat up in bed, grabbed his head in his hands and
screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Ranma: ...Just so we're clear.
That's quite a lot of heavy-handed writing ya got there, fic.
Ranma looked around wildly, trying to see in all directions at
once. "It was only a dream."
He settled back into his covers, thinking wildly. <Only a dream,
only a dream, only a dream, Akane doesn't hate me. Akane
doesn't... Ah, crap...> Memories of the previous night crashed
down on Ranma. <She does hate me. Oh, god, I'm depressed.>
9_9 Makes me remember the Advent Children Parody I saw in YouTube.
Tifa: Cloud, are we contemplating about the meaning of your life again?
Tifa: Stop ANGSTING!
"Akane..." He said wistfully, staring at the ceiling.
Actually, he 'trailed off' wistfully. Oh, and please don't capitalize 'he'
since it's part of the "Akane..." dialogue.
He read a sign saying, "Quiet, boy.",
"Quiet, boy,"
Improper syntax and punctuation.
Kasumi woke with a smile on her face. She had breakfast all
planned out, and all she had to do was cook it. The hard part,
the planning and preperation,
preparation,
Get a dictionary/spellchecker.
the bath, scrubbed and washed in the cold water, then got into
the hot bathtup to soak.
...As opposed to bathdown?
bathup --> bathtub
As she sat in the tub, she mentally went over her plans for the
day. First, to fix breakfast for everyone, then make
Get rid of the extra space in between 'then' and 'make'.
"Yes, Ranma, I think she's out jogging.", Kasumi replied
jogging," Kasumi replied
Improper syntax and punctuation.
"Okay. I think I'm gonna go catch her. I wanna talk to her
away from everyone else."
Suggest: talk to her, away from (add a comma after 'her')
...Though I _still_ feel like the sentence reads wrong regardless. Sooo... I'd
rather suggest rewording that sentence outright to something that actually
makes sense.
"That's a good idea. Try not to hurt her feelings, alright?"
all right?"
Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
...Besides, you can't use the 'character dialogue need not be grammatically
correct' on Kasumi, since she's fairly educated enough to use 'all right'
correctly. The contraction 'alright' is more likely to leave Ranma's mouth than
Kasumi's.
Akane turned and glanced over her shoulder. There was Ranma,
running to catch up to her.
to --> with
"Why would I do that?"
"Geez, Akane, what'cha mad about now?", he said as he caught
up to her.
You don't need the comma after 'now?"'
"As if you have to ask!" Akane huffed as she crossed her arms
showed him her back.
Ranma: (whistles)
Akane: Pervert! ('shinais' him)
"Why do you care so much about that guy? You don't seem to
mind when he beats the tar outta me.", Ranma said in a
slightly hurt voice.
God, this fic Ranma's a whiny one. And the question seems more like it came
from the author talking through Ranma than Ranma himeslf.
Ranma clenched his fists and visibly controlled his growing
anger.
If Ranma knew that Akane really, well, didn't care for him, there's no reason
for him to be angry. He'd move on. He's not fic Akane, y'know.
"Good! If you don't care about me, then this'll be easier!",
(sigh) Again, you don't need to put commas after the ending quotation marks of
a statement.
"Good! I feel sorry for her, but I'm glad I don't have to deal
with you anymore!", Akane said heatedly.
anymore!" (no need for the comma)
"I've been wanting to try this for a while.", Ranma said as
while," Ranma said as
"Oh." Said Kasumi, not comforted in the least by his response.
"Oh," said Kasumi,
Why? Because "Oh" doesn't stand by itself. It wouldn't make sense to get rid of
the dialog and just say "Oh" by itself. What did she say? She said the words
"Oh". Hence this needs to be punctuated as one sentence.
As a quick rule of thumb: If you could add an "And then" after the dialog and
it still makes sense and still means the same thing, you should use start a new
sentence:
"Oh." And then Kasumi said.
"Watch." Said Ranma as he moved into the dining room.
Same here.
around the table, he reached Souns'
Soun's
"Oops, sorry, Mr. Tendo, didn't see ya there," mumbled Ranma,
Well, lookie here... you _can_ punctuate sentences properly. Next time, be more
consistent.
"Easy! It's like the speed training I did at the Cat Cafe! I
just use the chestnut fist to juggle all the dishes at once,
used the
"Uh, no. Should there be?", he said, confused.
be?" he asked, confused.
"Of course not, boy! All of life is training to the _true_
martial artist!", said a large panda
artist!" said
"Good morning, Mr. Saotome.", said Kasumi in her normal
Saotome," said
"Stupid old man, Kasumi didn't fix BAMBOO this mornin'! Go
take your bath, just be quick about it!", Ranma yelled as he
it!" Ranma yelled as he
"Want me to help ya bring out the food Kasumi?", Ranma said
Kasumi," Ranma said
need you juggling the food as well as the dishes.", she replied
as the dishes," she replied
No doubt about it, Kasumi giggled again.
9_9
<Wherever I am, the decor leaves a _lot_ to be desired.>
Ryoga: (has a queer eye for a straight guy)
Ryoga found himself in a very small room, barely bigger than a
walk-in closet.
...And he had a _lot_ of experience with walk-in closets; mainly walking _into_
walk-in closets, that is.
In it was a futon, a tiny dresser, a red urn
seemingly filled with panties, and a small, iron-bound chest. The
walls were covered in posters. Naughty posters.
In every direction Ryoga looked, he saw several square feet of
exposed female flesh. By virtue of reflex, his hand flew to his
nose to attempt to stop the river of blood that was sure to come.
But nothing happened.
Ryoga pulled his still-bloodless hand from his nose and looked
around in wonder. He hadn't fainted! His nose didn't bleed!
Kami be praised! He could go to the beach again!
And that's the reason why that plot point happened... the author wins again.
What about the readers? W-ell...
He hadn't fainted! His nose didn't bleed!
Kami be praised! He could go to the beach again!
The nose-bleeding wasn't _that_ bad, unless he mostly went to nude beaches.
The door slid open.
"Hey Ryoga, good to see you're awake. Breakfast is ready.
For a thousand yen, I'll lead you to the dining room."
"I've got a better bargain, Nabiki.
O_o What's Nabiki doing with a closet-full of porn and an urn-full of red
panties?
(i.e. clue your reader in that it was Happosai's, er, closet, that Ryoga's
occupying right now and Nabiki merely found him there... just to make the
setting clear and to avoid confusion)
Lead me to a nice
resturaunt and I'll treat. Then maybe a movie, if you're
interested." Ryoga said as he stood and sauvely took Nabiki's
hand.
Hmmm. The pressure point technique that activated the 'Mega Playboy' in Ryoga
has a catch. It diminishes his grammar skills to dub Shampoo's level.
Revise: resturaunt --> restaurant ; interested. --> interested, ; sauvely -->
suavely
Suggest: Lead me to a nice restaurant and we'll have lunch there, my treat.
Then let's go to a movie, if you're interested. (You might as well complete his
sentences. Clipped and ungrammatical sentences may seem good for dialogue, but
Ryoga's dialogue seemed unnatural to say in a conversation, as if he couldn't
speak the language properly.)
"Please, Ryoga, I know you're ga-ga
FYI, 'gaga' is a dictionary-verifiable word. No need for the hyphen.
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
over my sister. Why are you
asking _me_ out? Just trying to practice?"
Suggest: out? For practice?" (flows better in terms of dialogue, IMO)
"Akane? Nah, she's obsessed with Ranma, so I've moved on.
I like more mature women anyway."
(eyebrow raised) Well, at least there's a damn catch to Ryoga's little, er,
power-up.
As Ryoga said these things, his mind was in a whirl. <I
can't stop talking! I don't want to date Nabiki! I love
Akane! Why can't I let go of her hand?
Ah... so it _is_ the Mega Playboy pressure point technique. Poor Ryoga's going
to overpopulate the world. I wonder when Karin will make an appearance...
Junta (DNA^2): (feels for Ryoga)
Wait... Shampoo said
she hit the Casanova point! Does that mean I'll ask out any
girl I see? Arrrgh! Ranma, this is all your fault!>
(sigh) If you really want Ryoga to mention that, make him _at least_ point out
_how_ it's Ranma's fault?
"Oh, really? Well then, by all means, follow me."
"I'd be delighted.", said Ryoga
delighted," said Ryoga.
Breakfast was a tense matter. Nabiki was mysteriouly
mysteriously
absent, and Akane was grimly quiet. For once in their
lives, Soun and Genma picked up on the tension
Actually, they pick up the tension quite well and retreat to a game of shogi or
whatever to avoid the tension.
More surpised
surprised
Seeing the growing interruption in his father's eyes, Ranma
glared at him and said, "Lemme
finish, old man."
Formatting error. Put 'Lemme' and 'finish, old man."' together in one line.
"'Cause unlike you, pops, I actually care about my honor an'
my family's,
That's actually not what you said a while ago. You said, and I quote: "If the
family honor means I'm gonna be miserable for the rest of my life, then it can
go jump off a pier. I've suffered enough for honor." The above statement
doesn't sound very much like caring for one's honor, is it? Sounds more like
it's a case where the son is just like the father, eh?
I talked to Kasumi, and we agreed to try out
bein' engaged. No promises, tho. If it don't work out, I'm
gone. A ronin don't
need family honor."
Formatting error. Put 'gone. A ronin don't' and 'need family honor."' together
in one line.
"You'll do no such thing, boy. If you do, your mother will
kill me!", said Genma.
Actually, Genma shouldn't be acting that way. He should be completely
comfortable with Ranma taking Kasumi, and then coaxing the two on becoming
closer; he should be actibg the same way he had acted when Akane and Ranma were
engaged. I mean, the ultimatum Ranma's making right now is somewhat similar to
the unsaid arrangement he and Akane had ("We don't like the forced engagement,
but we're not outright calling it off anyways.").
Ranma walked to school in a funk. He kept thinking about what
Akane had said earlier. She didn't care about him. But how did
that stack up against the things she'd done for him before? When
he'd angered Happosai the first time he came around, and been
kicked out of the house, she'd come out and found him, and even
brought him food. Speaking of food, she was always trying to cook
for him, even though she couldn't.
God, even the author acknowledges and cites instances that obviously makes
_both_ this fic's versions of Akane and Ranma look like complete dunderheads.
Didn't that say something? Yet,
the words she spoke this morning, and the night before, said
something, too.
Ranma: (palm on fist) It said, "Ranma, you're in a fanfic." I knew it!
whatever he could to make her happy. Because that's what you do
for the ones you love.
How about Ranma hooking up Akane and Ryoga together? It's been done in other
fanfics before. Actually, that's one of the few fanfic traditions I actually
approve of.
Shampoo was excited. Ranma had asked _her_ out on a date! True,
it was in exchange for her leaving him alone last night, be he
be --> but
_had_ asked! She was willing to take what she could get when it
came to Ranma. He had proved surprisingly difficult to wrap around
her finger. The elders said that seducing men was fun and easy,
because they were by nature weak-willed, and all that a woman need
do to catch one was flash a little skin and smile a lot.
I'm not so sure if _this_ is how Shampoo would think, but why not? The lengths
she goes just to get Ranma seems to justify that this kind of thinking is
applicable to her.
It didn't
work on Ranma. Nor did her skintight outfits. Or showing up in his
bed in the middle of the night.
Um, this part of her diatribe, OTOH, reeks of fandom opinions on the subject.
Or much of anything else she'd tryed.
tried.
She hoped he didn't secretly like boys. Maybe that's why Ryoga hates
him so much... Suddenly, Shampoo was struck by a vision of Ranma
and Ryoga, Ryoga looking and sounding like he had after she used
the Casanova Point on him, and Ranma looking like he did when he
was shopping for food in his girl form. Very cute and sweet. They
leaned towards each other slowly, eyes closed, lips searching.
*Oh, Ryoga.*
*Oh, Ranma.*
Jose Argao (Author of There's Something about Ryoga): (sneezes)
"Oh, no! Airen not go to pig-boy for love! Shampoo love you too,
too much!!",
too much!!" (no comma after the ending quotes)
(sigh) This is a bit too, too much to take.
Shampoo cried as she stood up and assumed a dramatic
pose. Unfortunately, the branch she was standing on wasn't wide
enough to accommodate dramatic poses. Unable to catch herself,
she fell to the ground and landed in a heap.
I get the feeling that somebody's bashing a character here. I wonder who could
it be? Is it intentional or unintentional?
Akane walked to school alone for the first time in months. It was
an odd experience. She kept glancing at the fence, half expecting
Ranma to be there. That idiot. Didn't he know that she lov- liked
him a lot? She'd always said differently when she was mad, but he
just _had_ to know how she really
felt, didn't he?
Formatting error. Put 'just _had_ to know how she really' and 'felt, didn't
he?' together in one line.
...In regards to her rhetorical question; not in this fic, apparently.
Ranma walked towards Shampoo's unconsious form.
unconsious --> unconscious
She was sprawled at
the base of a tree, mumbling something unintelligble.
...I'd say.
unintelligble --> unintelligible
Homer Simpson: I am so smart, I am so smart, S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T!
P-chan was good enough, Ranma knew, but why would he? He knew
amazon law,
Amazon
he wouldn't mind being rid of Shampoo and her
great-grandmother.
Get rid of Cologne? After everything she's done for Ranma? Also, even though
Shampoo can be a bit taxing to handle, to say the least, she's still very
devoted to him. Ungrateful lout.
Ranma proceeded to school with a bit more spring in his step.
My Author Bias Sense is tingling!
_______________________
"Are you sure you don't want to see a movie, Nabiki?", said
Nabiki?" said
Ryoga in his strangely sauve voice.
It _is_ strange for someone to have a 'sauve' voice.
sauve --> suave
"Thank you, Ryoga, but I need to get to school. Maybe tomorrow?"
Nabiki smiled as she spoke. Ryoga had a lot more money than she'd
thought. It was _fun_ spending other people's money!
"Sure, Nabiki. I'd love to."
"See you later!"
Well, I'm glad _that_ worked out.
He'd been
himself most of the time, but any time he tried to leave or
tell Nabiki he loved Akane, something took over, and turned
what he was saying into something from a girl's manga!
Junta (DNA^2): I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! (cries)
Karin: (attempts to fire a DCM bullet at Ryoga, turns him into a shape-shifting
pervert)
Ranma: (contends that Ryoga was _already_ a shape-shifting pervert from the
get-go)
He had to get Shampoo to take off this casanova
Casanova
Ryoga looked up. In front of him stood Ranma, currently female
and slightly damp. He'd been so deep in thought, he hadn't
noticed Ranma's approach.
Uh-oh.
"What are you talking about, you jerk? And don't call me that!",
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
"No, Ranma, I just realized what an attractive woman you are
when you want to be," Ryoga responded, giving Ranma a smooth
smile. Inwardly, Ryoga was screaming in abject horror.
Heh.
Ranma was detained from replying due to his jaw working up and
down in a rythmic fashion.
rhythmic
"Ryoga, what you doing, stupid pig-boy? You no ask out Ranma!",
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark. Even if it is Shampoo who's
speaking the line, that's still wrong.
she yelled as she began pummleing Ryoga about the head.
pummeling
"Now, Shampoo, -ow- you know I wouldn't -oof- ask Ranma out, I
was warming -eep- up to asking -yowtch- you out, of course!",
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
The school day passed slowly, seeming to drag on for endless
streches
stretches
while Ranma stared at Akane's back until their
classmates were wondering when it was going to catch fire.
Suggest: classmates wondered
"Oh, yeah," he said, feeling intense guilt building inside of
him, "That."
And here again, you punctuated the speech indicator properly. As such, be
consistent with your punctuation.
_______________________
Next Chapter:
Ranma Vs. Tofu!
vs. (in 'Title Case', only the nouns or 'important words' are capitalized...
articles, verbs, and linking verbs are left as is unless they're at the
beginning of the title)
_______________________
Revison Notes:
Revision
My irony sense is tingling!
Didn't change a whole lot in this chapter, just the conversation
between Ranma and Akane where he tells her the bad news. Had to
adjust for the removal of the cat-fist scene in the last chapter.
Fixed random spelling errors. Pretty sure I missed a bunch
still. *sigh*
I'd say. A few footnotes... the catch/detriment of Ryoga's newfound Casanova
abilities was somewhat cool. Unfortunately, that's the only thing I found cool
in the whole chapter and the whole fic series. Oh well. Now on to Part 3!!!
Pursuit of Happiness
Chapter 3
Formerly Titled: Love's Truth
By Exar
selfemployedninja@gmail.com
_______________________
Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and Viz, not me. This
story is in no way a claim to these characters. I make no money
from this.
_______________________
"Then what brings you here?", Tofu said, walking around the
desk towards Ranma,
a
friendly smile on his face.
Formatting error. Put 'desk towards Ranma,' 'a' and 'friendly smile on his
face.' together in one line.
Ranma sighed. This wasn't gonna be easy.
Suggest: wasn't going to be easy.
Don't let a character's ungrammatical tendencies spill into the narrative prose
as much as possible. If your excuse is 'Third Person Limited', then be fairly
consistent with its use. Show Ranma's way of thinking into the parts where
Ranma is talking, ditto Akane, ditto Ryoga, etc.
"You're ENGAGED to my Kasumi? Akane was right! You are a
womanizer! There's no way I'm going to let you take Kasumi
from me!"
(shrugs) Meh. I guess Tofu's reaction makes sense.
"Doc! What're you doin'? Knock it off!",
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
Ranma shouted as he
back peddled.
backpedaled
"Betty! He's trying to take Kasumi from me! Help me stop him!",
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
Tofu yelled incoherently
Actually, it was very coherent. Or else the reader wouldn't have been able to
read the lines.
"Betty's Head-Bash!",
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
Ranma dodged and blocked the rain of bones frantically, while
trying to get under the doctor to counter-attack.
counterattack (d-v-w, i.e. dictionary-verifiable word)
Tofu grunted in pain, but immediately regained his feet. He
briskly reattached Betty's head, then removed her leg just as
quickly. He charged Ranma, changing to a running jump at the
last second, when he slapped Betty's leg onto his own and
shouted, "Skeleton-Fu Secret Technique!
You're definitely a child of the Viz dubs, eh?
"That's it, doc! No more mister nice guy!",
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
"How could you do that to my poor Betty? I'm going to teach
you a lesson, Ranma!",
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
"Dammit!",
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
Ranma yelled, as he twisted his ankle. <That's
You don't need the comma after 'yelled'.
"If that's the way you want it, doc. Katchuu
Bless you.
Katchuu --> Kachuu
Just because words are foreign does not mean that they can be spelled any way
you like.
Tenchin
Amaguriken!! One-Armed Version!!"
Son Gohan: Is this any way like the one-armed version of the Kamehameha?
Piccolo: GOHAN! Don't brag. It's unbecoming of a warrior.
Son Gohan: (humbled) Yes, Uncle Piccolo.
Taking advantage of a woozy enemy, Ranma jumped up, bounced
off a table, and executed a Flying Dragon kick that would
have made Bruce Lee proud.
Bruce Lee: (so proud, he actually sued. From the grave.)
"Do ya give up yet, Doc? I don't wanna hurt you.", Ranma
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark. Instead, turn the period
after 'hurt you' into a comma.
"Give up on Kasumi? Never!", responded Dr. Tofu as he stood
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
"That's it, Ranma! Now you DIE!", Tofu screamed in fury,
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
Tofu was hurting, badly. His clavicle had broken with that last
attack, and the pain-deadening point he'd pressed couldn't
filter it all out.
Actually, I'd suggest that Tofu suffers in another way. As Kenshin Himura said,
and I paraphrase, "Not feeling pain isn't an advantage, but a detriment."
Tofu was in agony. One of Ranma's kicks had aggravated his broken
shoulder. He hated to use it on a kid, but he only had one attack
left.
"Ki Bone Barrage!!"
Dark blue bolts of energy flew from Tofu's hands at the stunned
Ranma.
This scene is severely trying my patience and my suspension of disbelief. What
is this, Dragonball?
Ranma warily examined his opponent. He seemed to be on the
edge of falling over. <I sure hope he ain't fakin',> Ranma
thought.
9_9
Before he passed out as well, Ranma wondered briefly if he
should call a doctor for the doctor.
Ahahaha. And that's that on the fanwanking of Ranma's uber-skills.
Ranma awoke in an empty hospital room. He sat up and turned
to swing his feet off the bed, and then noticed the brace on
his foot.
"Huh. Musta' hurt it worse than I thought," he said quietly.
(wince) Goddammit. Stop it with the uber-Ranma. He only got 'so' strong after
Saffron anyway. Before that, (which is apparently where this fic is set) Tofu
can probably own him. That's speculation, for sure, but the way Ranma shrugged
Tofu off is... Puh. Furthermore, I find Ranma's logic suspect. Why'd he inform
Tofu about the engagement if he's going to beat up the poor guy afterwards?
What did he intend to gain by saying that to Tofu? What did he intend to gain
by _beating up_ an understandably upset Tofu on the guise of 'self-defense'?
Ha. Self-defense. And he doesn't seem to feel so guilty about it either.
He limped to the bathroom and was taking care of business
when he heard someone enter the room. "He's gone!", said a
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
familiar voice.
"What?", replied another.
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
Akane looked angry, but that was nothing new.
(sigh)
Nabiki looked calculating, but very tired.
(sigh)
Kasumi looked calm, but just a tiny bit concerned.
(sigh)
"Ranma! You're finally awake! Now I can pound you for
hurting Dr. Tofu!", Akane said as she pulled her hammer
out of the aether.
9_9 Seeing a comedy device used in a dramatic piece is suspect. Hell, if Akane
can do that, then so should all the other characters. Let's be fair. By that
regard, then all the characters would seem as extreme as Akane, proof of the
problems with faithfully translating the characters from a humor setting to a
serious story without making them all extremely unsympathetic.
"Why would Dr. Tofu attack you because we are engaged?",
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
"Because, dear sister, he's head over heels in love with
you," drawled Nabiki.
"Oh, my. He is?"
I see. Kasumi is an airhead in this fic, and not at all insightful as in the
published and broadcasted versions of the series.
"Oh, my."
Character one-liner, check.
Feh. So much for that possible plot point. It's been conveniently stomped on
the ground care of the overeager fic that wants to get the Ranma-Kasumi thing
started as soon as possible.
Ranma was released a few hours later,
-_-
but warned to take
it easy on his foot until the ankle healed some. They
inquired as to Tofu's condition, and were told that he
would be out in a few days, but wouldn't be back to full
health for a month or so.
-_- Yeah, that's one _great_ way of fixing a situation. Burning bridges.
As they walked out into a cool spring day, Ranma said,
"I hope he doesn't start attacking me as soon as he's
better, but I doubt I'll be that lucky."
Note the complete lack of regret on Ranma's part, who's now reacting to Tofu
the way he would react to Shampoo or Kodachi; Tofu, who has done quite a bit in
helping him. Yeah, that makes sense.
"Based on your track record, I'd say it's not likely,
Ranma," observed Nabiki.
"Yeah, tell me about it. I dunno, he's older than my other
rivals, so he might see reason a little easier."
(sigh) Just another victim, eh, Uber-Saotome? The way he's tossing out his
friendship with Tofu without so much as a backward glance or guilt makes him
seem very unsympathetic on my end.
The next day, Ranma stayed home from school. The doctor
had told him to avoid fights, and he _knew_ he couldn't
do that at Furinkan.
Just then, the Dojo Destroyer appeared.
"Kasumi? Why do you have a computer in your room?", Ranma asked,
gesturing at the desk.
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
"I didn't know you had a job.", said Ranma, a little embarrassed
that he hadn't.
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
"Wow. I never knew. Now I feel really bad for freeloading all
this time."
Yeah. She's a real saint. -_- A cardboard angel.
"Don't, Ranma. I know how much money Nabiki generates off of
you, and that you could stop her easily.
HA! It's not in Ranma's nature to be able to stop Nabiki from mooching off of
him. If he can, then he's not Ranma.
"Oh. So what is your job?", Ranma asked.
You don't need the comma after the quotation mark.
Kasumi gestured at the computer and the pile of books next
to it.
"I read medical books and summarize them into things called
'Cliff's Notes'."
There's a Japanese version of 'Cliff's Notes'? I'm more of a Barron's Book
Notes guy myself.
"So that's why you're always going down to Dr. Tofu's to
borrow books!"
"Yes."
Kasumi: I could care less about that silly, crazy doctor. I kind of disprove of
the way you beat him up, Ranma, but I forgive you. Just don't let it happen
again. ^_^
Yar.
Kasumi blushed a little, and said, "I like him because he's
silly, but I don't like him the way he seems to want me to.
If he had ever shown how he felt, or asked me out, well... it's
not going to happen now, is it?"
Fic: (slaps his hands clean) Well, that's that... I'm so happy that everything
was resolved in such a nice, clean fashion. ^_^
"Don't be silly. Your ankle is still hurt, so you couldn't
leave if I'd let you. Besides, I don't want to date Dr. Tofu.
Do you know how old he is?"
"No."
"Well neither do I, but he's been running his clinic since I was
in junior high. He's at least ten or twelve years older than me."
Kasumi: And when I said that younger men are boring and hinted that I don't
find younger men attractive, I was lying. I really was.
"Ya know, I never thought of that."
Ranma found his way to a chair and spent the rest of the afternoon
chatting with Kasumi about everything under the sun.
(sigh) Does plot points, conflict, natural progression, and realistic
storytelling mean _anything_ to you, fic? (groan) Whatever. I'll discuss this
further in the end notes.
_____________________
End
Pursuit of Happiness
Chapter 3
_____________________
Author's Notes:
This chapter is shorter than the two previous ones, mainly
because I couldn't think of anything else to put in it.
That'd be a good thing; you not putting extra material on this fic to further
lengthen it, I mean. After all, just look at what such actions have done to
Peter Gallagher's "To be a Tomboy" (it was 'inspired' by "Destiny's Child" by
Fire, "Paragon" by Kenko, and the "Sailor Ranko" series started by Fire and
continued by Burgerbill... it's derived from derivative fics which were derived
further from the derivative anime). Total train wreck fic, that.
On Dr. Tofu's age: I don't know how much it's addressed in the
manga, but in the anime, it is suggested that Dr. Tofu is in
somewhere in his 30s. He is shown running his clinic when Akane
is somewhere in the range of 10 years old. Kasumi would have
been 13 or so. that's
that's --> That's
6 years before the show, assuming he was 18
when he graduated high school, add 8 years to get a doctorate,
and he would be at least 32 years old. I know they go for younger
women in Japan, but dang.
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case.
In general, I've seen professional authors opt for spelling numbers out instead
of writing their numerical forms. More on this later... Simply put, you don't
need to put those numbers in numerical form. Their written versions will be
fine.
_____________________
By Exar A.K.A. Ben Jernigan
selfemployedninja@gmail.com
http://www.florestica.com/exar/index.htm
First off, there were formatting problems here and there, so go at it and fix
'em for the sake of easier reading. Also, you had several punctuation problems
concerning commas, ellipsis, and periods as well. Thirdly, your sentence
structure seems off at times. A good proofread should fix all that (more on
that below).
Grammar Lesson No. 1: When a speaker identifies who is spoken to, the
identification must be separated from anything else by a comma.
These commas may seem like a little thing, but they are vitally important,
because leaving them out can completely change the meaning of your sentence.
"I volunteer, Ranma!" is something Genma is very unlikely to say.
"I volunteer Ranma!" is something Genma is very likely to say.
"I wanna eat, Akane!" is business as usual for Ranma.
"I wanna eat Akane!" is grounds for a pounding.
Grammar Lesson No. 2: When there's a speech indicator (said, asked, replied,
pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything the character says
inside the quotation marks) is being said by the 'speaker' (hence 'speech
indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's dialogue with a period instead of
an exclamation point or a question mark, please replace the period with a
comma. If there's no speech indicator in the following statement after the
dialogue, then the following sentence is a separate sentence that has nothing
to do with the dialogue.
i.e. "I'll say something," Kasumi said. "Now see me say lots of things, but
this time my name 'Kasumi' will be in pronoun form to show that my dialogue and
'she added' are not two separate sentences but one continuous sentence," she
added. "Oops, I think I made a run-on sentence!" She giggled.
Grammar Lesson No. 3: I told you in Grammar Lesson no. 1 to learn to use commas
properly. I now realize that _that's_ just one part of the problem. The main
problem is, of course, learning to punctuate properly. As a general rule,
sentences which use 'as' ("She said this as she did something else") don't need
to be punctuated with commas (She said this, as she did something else"). On
the other hand, sentences that don't use 'as' ("She said this, feeling regret")
should have proper punctuation 'coz otherwise they'd look weird otherwise ("She
said this feeling regret.") Also, don't put in commas outside of
quotation-marked dialogue.
Wrong: "Hello!", greeted Ranma. "Got anything to eat?", he asked. "I'm
starving.", he added.
Right: "Hello!" greeted Ranma. "Got anything to eat?" he asked. "I'm starving,"
he added.
Grammar Lesson No. 4: Proofread. It takes care of those avoidable, brain fart
mistakes like shifting tenses and repeating words. Though you probably already
know this, it needs to be said: read your dialogue out loud. This is the best
indication you'll ever have of if it sounds right, makes sense, and flows
properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances are that it'll feel very weird
to read it. Also, let it percolate. If you have time, let it sit for a few
weeks, then read it over. Without what you think you wrote in fresh in your
mind, you'll have a much better chance of catching strange misspellings,
nonsensical sentences, and other problems. If you've just written the story,
it's very difficult to edit it yourself because you know exactly what it should
say; so you read what you think you wrote, rather than what you actually wrote.
Furthermore, I'll be giving you a summary of several grammar corrections I've
noted throughout the entire run of the fic. Specifically, I'll be listing all
the grammar rules that you've broken:
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes. (Something that need
not be stated, but since everyone's ignoring this very basic rule, what the
hell. Spell-check, then spell-check your spell-check. If this fic was merely
sent to the list hastily, then proofread it. Please, don't make the FFML into
your personal spellchecker. Get prereaders/proofreaders if you haven't. I think
the main problem with this fic is that you sent this off without so much as a
reread as if it's a first or second draft; even though this has already been
revised, this the impression I had.)
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas. (This one's been explained above
and then some.)
Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case. In general, I've seen professional authors opt
for spelling numbers out instead of writing their numerical forms. The obvious
exceptions to the rule (usually) are actual dates (October 28, 2005), exact
numbers which are large in amount (1,234,567,890) or writing the numerical year
instead of the spelled-out version (1983, as opposed to nineteen
eighty-three... though the latter is also good, IMO). In any case, a good rule
of thumb is this: if a number won't look awkward or needlessly long when
written as words, then go use its worded version... otherwise, go with its
numerical form.
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
I'll be harsh, since I believe in Tough Love. The way you handled the
Tofu-Ranma scene leaves much to be desired. There was absolutely no buildup to
the eventual confrontation, and Tofu's portrayal comes off as forced and
cardboard-thin. No wonder it was so short; all we had was a blow-by-blow
description of the action with little or no reflection of what was going on in
either combatant's minds during the fight. It was a cold, mechanical, and
lifeless scene. My suggestion? Even though you obviously have a fixed idea on
how the story will go, how about spicing things up and making the characters
more than just chess pieces in what promises to be a grand soap opera where
Kasumi and Ranma will eventually live happily ever after?
The Trojan War was made interesting by its author because of the complexity of
its characters, of both god and man. There were lots of character complexities
at play... not just scripted events which lacks human interest. Get into Tofu's
head; show what motivated him to snap like that so uncharacteristically when
it'd be more IC for him to go about things in a more logical manner. Also, all
the evidence point to Tofu _owning_ Ranma in a fight like that, so what
motivated Ranma to go toe-to-toe with the experienced Tofu? What motivated
Ranma to not feel guilty with beating the hell out of Tofu, since it's in his
nature to feel that way? If he was just defending himself, then why not run
away? He even has a secret Saotome Ultimate Technique which has him doing just
that.
To confront Tofu like that and _then_ beat Tofu up severely in the guise of
self-defense with no remorse or regret seems like a very un-Ranma thing to do.
What made him feel the need to fight that way? Did he not consider that Kasumi
would actually frown upon on what he's doing to Tofu? Furthermore, instead of
just focusing on the action, why not focus on the motivation behind every
attack? Also, wasn't Tofu such a skilled doctor that simple pokes and pats from
him rendered Ranma defenseless? Etc, etc. There are a lot more things to add to
the fight than just filler. Don't be so hasty in resolving everything, or risk
making your story come out forced.
As a whole, this fic series wallows profoundly in its own misery that reading
it is like atoning for some sin you didn't commit. The sheer amounts of cliche
and character portrayals that I could care less about made reading it sheer
torture. It's even sadder that the author was actually putting quite the effort
so that it wouldn't read cliche... I couldn't even imagine how this could
possibly be any worse--Wait, I've C&Ced worse. Never mind. Anyway, I am of the
opinion that this fanfic is need of an incredible amount of reworking.
Presentation of fanfic in terms of grammar and style is one thing, content is
another. It's like you put in every last cliche from every last Ranma fic in
this one fic. You don't have a sense of what's interesting or not, putting in
countless scenes that hastily try to resolve contrived plot points in an easy,
rushed, unrealistic, and 'Cliff Note'-like fashion. It's ironic how Kasumi's
job is related to creating Cliff Notes, since that's how this fic reads: like a
summary of events with little buildup, with each and every manufactured scene
forcefully spoon-fed to the reader in an indifferent, analytical fashion. Well,
that plus the Kasumi-bias that makes the whole fic suspect.
A related problem as I see it is characterization. As you're writing them, the
characters either just about always does the right thing (Kasumi) or they're
completely self-centered jerks with no redeeming virtues whatsoever (though
unintentionally portrayed as such by the fic... Tofu, Akane, and Ranma ).
Neither of these extremes is very interesting to read about.
Balanced characters that are capable of doing either good or bad make for far
better reading. The major characters in the manga all fit this description to
some degree or other. Ryoga, for example, has his faults, but he also has his
noble moments. When Ranma had lost his strength it was Ryoga who defended him
from Kuno and the others. Again, we will cheer for Kasumi that much more if she
gets together with Ranma IN SPITE of _both_ having competing suitors who are
actually likeable and worthy of respect and IN SPITE of _both_ having traits
that are less than perfect. Reading about humans getting along in the great
adventure called life is what 'human interest' is all about.
While were on the subject, let's talk about Kasumi. Like I said, she just about
does everything right in this fic. Everything was solved in the span of three
chapters (in an unconvincing manner, might I add). Now, I have no problems with
problems getting solved in Ranma 1/2 fics, it's just that the way they were
solved seems slightly centered towards one character and one character alone...
Kasumi. Kasumi's motivation behind her actions is nearly nonexistent, with you
using the fandom characterization of her being the 'perfect, unsoiled
innocent.' The perceived Kasumi-worship I seen in your fic isn't nearing Author
Avatarish territory, but it's still sticks out like a sore thumb. It's as if
the fic has designated Kasumi as the choice to end all of Ranma's problems (or
at least to alleviate most of them), which isn't really the case. It's not that
simple. To make it that simple makes this fic unnatural, phony, and
unrealistic. A dramatic piece that's unrealistic is a tragic thing to witness.
But then again, 'The Bold and the Beautiful' is still on air.
Also, minimize your use of fandom conventions. I'm okay with their use, but
like vocab words, they shouldn't be overused. If you really have to make use of
fandom conventions, I suggest using them more subtly. Instead of 'glomp',
describe the action in Ranma or Shampoo's POV. Make it more interesting, and
don't be so lazy in writing a description that would appeal more to the reader.
As for my unsolicited advice to you in regards to writing fanfics, I'll quote
Twoflower on this one: "To aspiring writers out there, I say one thing; strive
to be fresh and original. Even if you get weird doing it, push outside the
standard fare and achieve originality. It's a rush beyond comprehension,
understanding or Mountain Dew."
I've already said what I can say about this fic from the above C&C.
Nevertheless, these are all only my opinions and shouldn't be taken in at face
value. My standard disclaimer is: I'd like to clarify that this isn't a simple
"bash the fic" thing I'm doing here. This is a critique. Please don't go
mentally simplifying my comments (incorrectly) as "He just didn't like my fic
so anything he says can't be taken seriously." It's your jurisdiction to ignore
the comments, yes, and to take them with a grain of salt, yes, but please do at
least consider that this isn't just bias talking when I say, "This fanfic is
suspiciously partial to Kasumi."
OTOH, if the MAIN point of your story is to be _exactly_ like I described it to
be... Kasumi worship + OOCness + cliche et al... then fine by me. If you can
justify the way Kasumi and Ranma acted as 'not at all OOC, but completely
believable', then by all means, I want to hear it. If you think that the label
'Character Worship not bordering Author Avatar fanfic, but is cloying still' is
misappropriated here and a bit much when describing what I see as your fic's
faults, then I'll love it if you'd explain why, if you want to. Or not. It's
still cool. Even if I disagree with your explanation, opinions are only
opinions. They just are. (shrug) I've already given my buck and a half and my
take on your fic, it's up to you whether you find them of some use or not. It's
your story, of course, and you can certainly change things around if you really
want to. Just be aware that doing so may set off the "author hasn't read the
series on which the fic is supposed to be based" alarm in the readers' minds.
Make changes knowingly rather than out of ignorance, and only when they really
serve your story.
Kudos to you for making a fic which you and your fans would fully enjoy. As
such, I wish you luck on your future ficcing endeavors and I do hope you keep
on entertaining your ficcy fans with the (strictly IMO) biased Kasumi-worship
slants of your fic. Who cares if I didn't like your fic? Just because I hated
it doesn't mean it's the worst fic in all of fandom. I'm sure you'll find your
niche, if ever. And if not, well, there's always room for improvement.
In any case, ignore my hydrochloric acid-laced comments if you'd like. I'm only
"keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic.
If you want to keep your fic as is, good. Let's agree to disagree. I'm _not_
The Grand Authority on Fanfics, nor do I want to be (Just how nerdier can you
get with a job description as 'The Grand Authority on Fanfics'?). If you found
my comments helpful in some level, even better. The best advice I could give
you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing... It's
the best solution to yet another cliche Kasumi-Ranma pair up with all the
trimmings and none of the supposed conflicts because, hey, it's easier to write
it that way; a fic-Ranma; a fic-Akane; and a Belldandy-like St. Kasumi. I would
also suggest to you to read less fics and more actual books and literature; it
really helps. Reading the manga itself would be a great deal of help too
(understatement). In short, keep on writing. That's my aforesaid buck and a
half. Abdiel out.
------------------
"Engrish: A language that hide in black place, fight up other speaking, and for
extra word inside the pockets he look."
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