Here's some serious, constructive C&C.
> Cute Neko Hibiki wrote:
Ranma and Ryoga were walking down the road.
Stop. Right. There.
Is this a story, or is it a joke? It's starting like "Ranma and Ryoga
walked into a bar..."
Now, unless you plan to make a big deal about _the_ road -- because the
road itself is an essential part of the plot -- it should read "a road"
And anyway, you don't need that line at all. It's a distraction and does
nothing to add to the storytelling. Cut it out. The story begins here:
"Just think Ryoga, 10 more miles and we get to Jusenkyo!" exclaimed
Ranma.
Except for one little thing, it's just way to early in the story for
anything to be exclaimed by anyone. Besides, as we soon find out, Ranma
doesn't in fact need to go to Jusenkyo since he's not exactly looking
for the cure. Why would he be so upbeat about walking the last 10 miles
'down the road'? Why is he even there, exclaiming????
At this point Ranma should be complaining about having to act as
Ryouga's guide, and Ryouga should be having to egg him on. Ryouga's wish
of being free of the pig is about to come true, so he's the once who
should be "exclaiming", except...
"Yeah, and then I'll finally be free of the pig!" exclaimed Ryoga.
He seems almost reluctant here, in spite of the 'exclaimed' description.
This thought should be a jumble of emotions: elation - relief -
bitterness, none of which are expressed by either the quoted words, or
the use of "exclaimed" which what was used by Ranma IN THE FREEKING
PRECEIDING LINE!
Try to avoid such repeating descriptions, especially so very close to
each other.
"And I'm... I'.ll... I... don't know what I'll do, since I'm gonna keep
my curse." said Ranma
What to do... what to do... Sunbathe, perhaps? ^_^
Ranma sounds like he's already made up his mind here. He doesn't need
to. The story doesn't need it here. You can leave that issue open to the
next scene to keep the reader guessing.
Anyway, Ranma's revelation of his thinking on staying cursed probably
calls for a pause in the action. He could stop to tell Ryouga he's
having second thoughts about the cure. Thats a really good time to fit
in some scene building - he could turn to the sunrise (or sunset) fan
himself in the heat, or snug his jacket closed against the cold,
anything to convince the reader that you, the author, was there to
experience the events taking place. Did you see the scene in your mind
when you were writing it? How far apart were they? Did they both have
backpacks? was it hot? cold? winddy? Were there clouds in the sky? Was
the road paved, or dirt? Did they kick up dust as they walked? Are there
small stones? -- It's a great way to show emotion to pick up a stone and
toss it as hard as you can.
This is a great place to build up Rouga's feelings about being cured,
and Ranma's growing reluctance.
"You are!?" asked Ryoga. "Why?!"
You don't need to put "Rouga - Ranma" in each description. SO far there
are only two of them, and the dialoge can be much more realistic of you
just let them banter. There is a lot of character-building that couls
pass between them here.
"So I can keep dating all those hot lesbians." said Ranma.
That doesn't sound like Ranma to me. I think he'd say something about
having been with a girl, as a girl, and not wanting to give it up, which
would lead to Ryouga having a nosebleed, then Ranma could suggest that
Ryouga give it a try....
______________________________________________________________________
That's as far as I'll go in C&C on this. (I didn't really care for the
rest of the plot.) Besides, I usually only comment of the first few
paragraphs -- since that's where you can almost always find examples of
all the writing sins in the rest of the story. We're all sinners. ^_^;
Jya, ne.
J.
<snippage>
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