A series I've seen exactly none of. Yay! Basically, don't be upset if I
criticize something out of sheer ignorance. You have been warned.

--- StudioPC <studiopc@sbcglobal.net> wrote:

Disclaimer: Moldiver is the property of Pioneer, inc. No money is  
being made from this and no such intent should be inferred.  
Inspiration is drawn from "Moon With A View" by Richard C. Hoagland,  
available at http://www.enterprisemission.com/ if you're curious.

* * * *

Spacers called space "The Black", and it was easy to see why. Outside  
of the running lights of the Daniel Boone, there was nothing but  
darkness and it drove some mad. When they looked at it, and saw a  
vast void, they turned away from it, retreating into their own heads  
and refused to come out.

Tense shift in the last sentence. Maybe replace 'refused' with 'refusing'

Mirai found it fascinating. She sat on her bed in the cabin she  
shared with Hiroshi and looked out the cabin window at the distant  
stars. They didn't move. They simply were there. Unchanging. A  
billion eyes watching the antics of a single planet trying to find  
its place in the universe.

Niiice.

She sighed and looked away from the window as the terminal screen  
displayed a message from Hiroshi. He wanted to see her in his lab.  
She shook her head and began to get dressed. Officially, she and  
Hiroshi were on board the Boone to field test a new and highly  
classified type of space combat armor in the harsh environment of  
Saturn's gravity. Most of the crew didn't even know their last names.

Pulling on the tunic and loose pants, Mirai slipped her feet into the  
soft booties and headed out into the corridors. From there, she took  
the lift down three levels to Hiroshi's lab, more commonly known as  
"The Pond". This was because Hiroshi had three assistants; Two  
ratings and an ensign from engineering who followed him around like  
ducklings to their mother. In fact, Hiroshi's nickname among the crew  
was "Momma Duck", a fact he ignored.

comma inside of quotation marks (style).

The last bit 'a fact he ignored,' doesn't read smoothly. Perhaps reword
it or pick a different word. I don't have any good suggestions myself.

As an aside, I have no idea if there have been any references to this
series but I like the story so far.

"You wanted to see me, Hiroshi?" Mirai asked. Nearby, one of the  
ratings looked up from her work, smiled and then her eyes dropped to  
Mirai's chest for just a moment. Then she blushed and looked back at  
her terminal.

Mirai hid a smile, the rating wasn't unattractive, but she had other  
things on her mind. 'Maybe on the way back to Earth,' she thought to  
herself as  tapped Hiroshi on his head. "Hiroshi?"

"What? Oh! Yes, Mirai! Yes. Yes . . ." he adjusted his glasses. "Why  
did I want to see you?"

Mirai let out a sigh. Engineers.

heh.

<snip>

"As near as we can tell, docking towers. Interestingly enough,  
spectralnometer scans tell us the towers are built out of a titanium  

'spectrometer' is the word I think you're looking for.

alloy . . . and that they're at least twenty to thirty thousand years  
old."

Commander Oshii leaned forward. "One of the towers has an open door  
and it's large enough to accommodate one of our combat shuttles. Ms  
Ozora, as Moldiver, will accompany Alpha, Beta, and Delta Squadrons  
under Sergeant Griswold's command on a short range excursion into the  
interior of the structure and secure the immediate vicinity. If the  
interior accessway is blocked, they will fall back to the shuttle and  
return to the Daniel Boone. Epsilon and Ro Squadrons will remain with  
the shuttle to secure it and if necessary, cover a withdrawal.  
Depending on what you find in there, we'll develop an additional  
exploration strategy."

"Any questions?" Jensen asked. There was none. "And now we get down  
to the fine details. Doctor Wayne, you first."

* * * * *

The next three days passed quickly as the Daniel Boone approached and  
then inserted into a geosynchronous orbit around Iapetus, 200 miles  
above the surface.

Free time became a luxury few could afford. Hiroshi virtually lived  
in the Duck Pond and Mirai spent most of her waking time sparring  
with the Marines.

But at long last, the moment arrived. In the Duck Pond and behind a  
screen, Mirai peeled off her clothing. Carefully, she inserted the  
com-link into her ear and plugged it into the Mol-unit.

This was it. The time was now. She wrapped her hand around the unit  
and took a deep breath.

"Metamorforce!" she cried out and the unit flared to life.

On the other side of the screen Engineering Crewman Hannalore Star  
stepped back in startlement as a blinding white light flared up and  
the screen flew across the room, propelled by some force. She stared,  
open mouthed at the impressive amazon who stood before them.

I suggest 'a powerful' or 'a strong' instead of 'by some.'

She was tall, with athlete's poised grace. She wore a white shirt  
with black under-tunic and leggings, a skirt of lilac purple and  
metal boots that came up to just below her knees. Her hands were bare  
and she wore a black metal helmet with a blue visor. Brown hair tied  
back in a loose ponytail spilled down her back.

She grinned at them and gave them a V for victory sign. Then walked  
out of the Duck Pond.

Star watched her go, and tried not to drool.

This entire transformation seem out of place. The only thing I can think
is that this is normal in Moldiver. If so...wtf?!

<snip>

"Damn pilots," a Marine near Mirai snorted as she ran a check on her  
suit's seals. "Always gotta make a joke."

I'm sensing a theme here.

Mirai: Damn air, always so... uh, airy.

<snip>

On impulse, Mirai knelt and tore away a section of ice and dust.  
Underneath was some sort of carpeting, soft, slightly springy.

After thousands of years of being exposed to the vacuum of space, frozen
solid in a layer of ammonia ice... the carpet is still soft? I'm buying
stock in the company that made it!

<snip>

Overhead, the ceiling rose in a sort of pyramid. The four sides of  
the pyramid were vid screens, emitting a faint blue glow.

"What the hell is this place?" One of the mech pilots demanded.

A friggin' airport.

"Entry terminal," another marine grunted. "For civvies."

"And what makes you so sure, Angus?" The first Marine demanded. "How  
do you know this isn't military? Whole place could be a giant laser  
cannon like in that movie. The one with the laser swords."

heh.

"Use your eyes, Chase," Angus snorted. "The decor aint military and  

ain't

and a military checkpoint wouldn't be so big. Too hard to defend if  
boarded." Angus pointed at the gates with podiums on the near side.  
"Go through there if you're boarding and the other side if you're  
leaving. Square counter is probably the service desk." Angus waved a  
hand at the doors behind them. "Ship docks, they come through the  
doors, down these steps and present documentation at those podiums.  
Once verified, they get passed through. Reverse if they're leaving.  
Basic security checkpoint."

"Not bad, Angus," Griswold said. "Now how about you use that Ph.D of  
yours and figure out how to get the Mechs through those gates.

Noticing Mirai's confused look, a nearby female marine leaned over.  
"He really does have a Ph.D," she said. "Got it when he was fifteen  
in drive mechanics. But he's an adrenaline junkie so he enlisted in  
the Marines and joined the Angels of Mercy."

Mirai swallowed. The Angels of Mercy was the nickname given to 4th  
Company of the Marines. The Angels were the Marines whose job it was  
to board the wrecks of ships that had been raided by pirates and  
worse. They were also the ones who tracked down and dealt with  
Pirates and their hideouts. They were heavily armed, highly trained,  
and were combat veterans before ever joining the Angels. They saw  
horrors that Mirai couldn't even begin to imagine and didn't want to  
try. "He's an Angel?" She asked, awestruck.

"Yup," the Marine answered. "We all are. Space Marines, 4th company,  
Third Battalion. Also known as the Bronze Barbarians of the Angels of  
Mercy. In fact, the head of the Boone's security is the Exec of the  
Battalion."

Mirai blinked. It made sense. The Angels specialized in going into  
places no one else would and staying calm when anyone else would have  
a panic attack. Who better? If there was anyone better suited to be  
exploring a potentially dangerous artificial moon of unknown origin,  
Mirai couldn't think of them.

Wait. She's just figuring this out now?

<snip>

"Maybe there is," Mirai said and triggered her flight field. "I've  
only done this once before and I'm not sure how I did it. "She tossed  
Griswold her headset and began to adjust her density controls.

Making herself dumber and dumber by the second...

"MIRAI!" Hiroshi screamed. "What the hell are you -- NO! It won't
--NO!"

"Shut it, Hiroshi," Mirai growled.

"You can't!"

"Blow me!" Mirai screamed and then phased through the door.

* * * *

Teareal sighed happily and pulled Lorin closer. His lips on her neck  
felt so good and then she bit down a snarl of frustration as his hand  
rested tentatively on her breast. Why was it so hard for men to get  
the idea? She'd let him undo and open her outer robe, how much more  
of a clue did he need?

Not that I don't mind lime being thrown about at the slightest
provocation, but this is a bit sudden. If deliberate, I'll roll with it.

<snip>

"YEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Lorin  
screamed. At first, Teareal thought the strange being was attacking  
him somehow and then he ran for the transport's cab and fumbled out a  
blaster.

When the lark did Lorin get a blaster?

When he fumbled it out of the transport's cab!

S-s-stay back!" he yelled at it. "D-don't come near us! You can't  
have her!"

Lorin!" Teareal said, "wait, I think --" The figure lowered its hand  
and Lorin screamed again, firing one shot. It was all he had time  
for. In the blink of an eye, the being was suddenly in front of them,  
ripping the blaster from Lorin's hand.

"An'ta baka?" it said, glaring as it stepped back and crumpled the  
blaster into a ball. "Tadi no gna chou wou." It dropped the blaster  
to the floor where it landed with a thunk.

Lorin let out another scream and grabbing Teareal's hand, shoved her  
into the cab before climbing in and yanking the engine's activation  
lever. He backed up and turned around and sped off.

Looking back, the last Teareal saw, the being was standing there,  
watching them go.

Okay, I think you were going for sudden scene change there.

* * * *

It had been the longest five minutes of Hiroshi's life. He'd  
practically screamed himself hoarse, calling for Mirai to answer him,  
to say something, anything. Paranoid fears that she'd reduced herself  
into component atoms fled through his mind and tears flowed down his  
cheeks.

"Ow! Damnit, Hiroshi, shut the fuck up!" It was the sweetest sound  
he'd ever heard.

"Mirai? Thank God!"

"Yeah, yeah. Captain, we're returning to the Daniel Boone."

"Copy that. Find anything?"

There was a moment of silence before Mirai replied and there was an  
odd tone in her voice. "I would like to make a full report in person,  
Captain."

"Understood. Jensen out."

Griswold switched to a private frequency. "Bad?"

Mirai: Let's just say I'm going to lay off the "Godzilla Special"
freeze-dried pizza in the future.

Mirai didn't answer. In fact, she didn't say a word to anyone for the  
entire trip back.

* * * *

Author's note: Mirai speaks primarily Japanese, which Teareal or  
Lorin obviously don't speak. Attempts to find an totally accurate  
translation online failed so I made up some words to fill in the  
blanks. What she's saying is "Are you stupid? I'm not going to hurt  
you."

If anyone can give me a more accurate translation, I'd appreciate it.

I'd love to, but my books are loaned out to someone right now. Despite
that, I'm certain it's at least half-right.

So, interest. I've browsed the hollow moon theory and have to say... read
any Ben Bova?

Two thumbs up because I like this kind of subject. I'm guessing this
chapter wasn't coming directly off of the first one, since it opens as if
this is the beginning of the story. (I haven't read the first one.) I
have to say it's good. The small number of 'doh!' corrections I made
bolster that judgement. I look forward to more.

And lastly, my apologies if any of this doesn't parse right. It's been a
very long weekend and I'm trying to thin out the mess in my inbox just a
little bit.

Keep writing,
Rick "In space, no one can hear you mess up your lines." Spiff

FFML Member since 2000 A.D.

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