Glazius Falconar wrote:

GL Sandborn wrote:

Tina meets the bad guys.  I'll try to catch what C&C you kind people
post while on the road.  (This damn job is killing me.)

Having long since wiped any commentary (and with no version up on ye 
site) forgive me if I tread old ground.
 

I confess.  I'm lazy and don't have time to update my web site as much 
as I'd like.  In any case,
I'm still getting feedback on Chapter 3.

     Her struggles became weaker as the sharp metallic odor of
chemicals flooded her senses.  The passing lights of the city
began to swim and recede in the darkness as her muffled cries of
distress sounded further and further away.  Soon, everything
slowly faded into darkness.

For some reason I thought they came by before nightfall, and it doesn't 
seem like Kaoru lives in a very "city lights" part of town.

     "Wake up, Miss Foster"
     Forcing open one eye, she quickly closed it again at the
intense brightness before her.  She tried to move her hands to
shield her eyes but they were caught on something.
     "Oh Kaoru, why did you stop?" she mumbled as she squirmed on
a hard wood chair.  "Please take me."

If you're working from Tina's viewpoint, it seems a little too external 
to include whatever she's sitting on.
 

Yeah, I think I pressed the 'joke' a little too far here.

     The room swam into focus, black and white focus at that.

"black and white" doesn't modify "focus" all that well.
 

I'll drop the second 'focus'.  That sounds better, anyway.

She recoiled back into the chair at the sight of a chubby little
face framed in square wire-rimmed glasses only inches from her
own.  She blinked and blinked some more.  Instead of her darling
Kaoru, there was a little man wearing a gray high-necked jacket.
The light coming from a goose-necked table lamp behind him
reflected off a strip of bald skin on his head.

What, no Chairman Mao cap?
 

Do NK's wear Chairman Mao caps?

No doubt about
it, her honeymoon was over.
     "You wake now?" the man asked with a satisfied smirk on his
disgusting little face.
     "What?  Where...?  Who...?"  She tried but couldn't seem to
form a cohesive sentence.  The room swam around her.  Shaking her
head to clear the scene, only added nausea to her confusion.
     "Good.  You wake.  We talk," the man said.
     She tried again to move her arms but found they were bound
together behind the chair.
     "Comfy?" he asked, turning away towards the table that
contained the annoying lamp.
     "No," she said, trying again to free her hands.  Whatever
was holding them together dug painfully into her wrists.
     "Good.  Plisoners should not be comfy," he replied holding
up a small black book.  "It say so in manuao."  He opened the
book and read.  "Plisoners not be comfy.  See?  I light."
     "I don't know anything about anything.  Can I go home?" she
snapped, adding a little sniff at the end.  She couldn't figure
out what was with the man's lousy English.  With everything in
black and white, she felt like she was stuck in a bad Charlie
Chan movie.
     "Ah, you get light to point.  Good."  He flipped a few pages
I his little black book.  "When plisoner wake, ask impoltant
question."  He turned to regard Tina with a look that made her
skin crawl.  "Okay, I ask.  Where is man you with?"
     "Man?  What...?  Oh, you mean that government guy.  He ran
away somewhere early this morning.  I really don't know where he
is.  Can I go home now?"
     "Lan away?"  The little man mumbled something unintelligible
and flipped through a few pages in his book.  "NO!  That is not
acceptable.  It say so light here."  He pointed to a page.
"Plartner of seclet agent never lun away!"

Everyone, say hello to Choko's estranged (and-a strange) older brother.

     "This one did," Tina insisted.  "WAITAMINUTE!  He's NOT my
partner!  I only met him once.  At the zoo.  He was hurt.  I took
him home because he said he didn't have anywhere else to go.  I
thought it was a little strange.  I mean, a single guy in Japan
and no place to stay.  And how many good looking guys do you meet
in a zoo?  Anyway, I don't know how it happened but somehow he
ended up in my bed--"

Give it a couple beats before she realizes what she just admitted to. 
She's not exactly awake yet, right?

     The little man made a disgusted face and snorted.  "You sex
rife not intelesting."
     "I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM!"  She shook her head.  "I mean,
yes, he somehow got in my bed but I wasn't because I invited him.
I don't know how he got there."
     The little man tisk-tisked.  "You know, that is how you get
nasty disease.  Must be vely careful.  You no want get THAT, I
can tell you."
     "You sound like my father," she said wrinkling her nose.
"Save yourself for marriage, wear clean underwear, don't get a
tattoo.  Why can't I have a little fun while I'm still young?  Do
you know how tough it is to find a Laundromat in the Amazon?  And
that little tattoo I...  Ooops, I shouldn't have said that.  You
didn't hear me say that."
     With a sigh, the little man turned away and raised his hands
high.  "Daddy always say boys no tlouble compared to girls.  Boy
never buy milk when girl give away free.  So sad.  So sad."

I recognize the proverb, but is it more Western or Eastern? If it's 
Western he should mess it up, as is only fitting and proper.
 

That, I like.  Now all I have to do is figure out how he can screw it up.

     "Milk?  What milk?  What are you talking about?" she
snapped, again shaking her head.  When the previous case of
vertigo failed to return, she drew a deep breath and tried to
glare at her captor.
     With his back to her, the little man sighed.  "No matter.
You talk now.  You seclet agent.  Where is partner?"
     With a frustrated shake of her shoulders, she squeezed her
eyes shut and rolled her head back.  "I am NOT a seclet... I
mean, secret agent!  I've already told you everything I know."
     The man spun around.  With hands on his chubby hips, he
regarded her like an angry father.  "I see.  Amelikans tlain you
good."  He picked up his little book again and flipped through a
couple of pages.  "What to do, what to do.  Ah, I rike this one,"
he crowed.  Gesturing to a couple of his goons, they slowly
advanced on the helpless Tina.

Tie her to the Wheel of Painful Things and give it a spin.

"Argh! Who put 'Badry Stuffed Cushions' on wheerl? Monty Plython is 
symbol of capitalist decadence!"

*****

:snip:

*****

Good setup for the 'not cops' later on.

     Tina swung slightly from a rope tied to her ankles.
Suspended some ten feet above what appeared to her to be a
livestock watering tank, she struggled with the twin problems of
her still tied hands and all the blood pooling in her head.

And the rope burns on her legs. The THREE problems of still-tied hands, 
blood pooling in her head, and roper burns on her legs. And the glasses 
that just fell out of her pocket. The FOUR problems of...

I'll come in again.
 

Now THAT would be funny.  "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"  MI5 
in disguise?

"Look, I know you Japanese cops do things a little different but
is this really necessary?"
     The little man, flanked by four of his goons, ignored her
question and flipped a few more pages in his little book.  "Okay,
plisoner tied above water.  Check.  Water in tank deep."  He
paused to lean over to look in the watering tank.  "Check.  Begin
questioning plisoner."
     Snapping shut his book, he regarded Tina with a satisfied
expression.
     "Why are you doing this?  I told you before, I don't know
ANYTHING!"  Tina wiggled like a fish on a stringer, trying to get
her hands free.

I think "thrashed" works better there.

That just made her swing a little more, the
movement added vertigo to her pounding head.
     "So you say now," the little man said.  "Soon you say what I
want to hear."
     "What's the matter with you people?  Don't I get a Miranda
Warning or something?  All I know is that guy ran off and left
me.  Try SoapLand.  He had a gift card."
     The little man blinked.  "SoapRand?"  Turning to one of his
goons, he listened as the man leaned over and whispered an
explanation.  He reacted with obvious frustration.  "Sex, sex,
sex.  Is that all you Amelicans think about?"
     "If you don't let me down right now, I'm going to report you
to your supervisor.  Even the cops in Argentina were nicer than
this."
     "Cops?  What cops?" the little man asked as he looked
between his men and Tina.
     "You're not police?" she gasped.  "Yakuza?"

I think

"You're not police?" She gasped. "Yakuza?"

is what you want there. Gasping more when she realizes she's in the 
hands of the underworld.

     "No, we better than that."
     She sighed in resignation.  "If you're not cops and you're
not Yakuza, what are you?"
     "People who what your plartner," the little man insisted.
     Tina's eyes went wide.  "He, are you the guys who were
shooting at him at the zoo?"
     One of the henchmen shyly held up his hand.  The other three
sheepishly copied him.
     "Boy, you guys are lousy shots," Tina said.  The men just
pouted.

Heh.

     "ENOUGH!"  The little man's arms were flapping in
frustration before he stopped and pointed directly at her.
"Where is plartner?  Answer question or you go in water!"
     "I told you everything I know.  Now, let me go."  She stared
at the murky water below.  This guy was serious.  He was going to
drown her if she didn't tell him what he wanted to hear.
     But she didn't know any thing other than drowning in a
livestock tank in the middle of Tokyo wasn't how she wanted to
end her life.  She had so much to live for.  She had photographs
to take.  She had places she wanted to see.  She was still a
virgin, for crying out loud.
     "Perhaps you need croser rook," he said before nodding to
one of his henchmen.  A turn of a crank and Tina felt herself
drop a couple of feet before jerking to a halt.  "See?  Scared,
yes?  Chinese have hell like this.  I believe it called Hell of
Upside Down Drowning.  Vely unpreasant."
     Tina's frustration bubbled over.  "I don't know anything!
Is your English so bad you can't understand?"
     "That hurt, naughty girl.  In the water you go."
     Before he could give the signal to his henchman, another of
his goons tugged at his sleeve.  With a look of irritation he
tilted his head to listen as the man whispered something in his
ear.  His surprise at what he heard was evident in the way he
jerked away and frowned.  "You kidding," he gasped.
     Stepping up to the tank, he leaned over and looked both ways
in the water.  Stepping back, he frowned again.  "Where you get?"
     The goon leaned over and whispered his answer.  The little
man's reaction was swift.  Slapping the larger man's face, he
glared at his men.  "IDIOTS!  You steal fish in Tokyo?  You
danger mission with petty theft?  What if caught?  Uncle say you
best.  I think you best blockheads."

Says the man who needs a book to conduct an interrogation.
 

Yeah, but his uncle is....  Oh wait, that would give away the plot.  You 
didn't hear me say that.

     With a sigh, the little man shook his head and turned back
to Tina.  "Velly solly, Miss Foster.  My men do something vely
stupid.  They steal fish for tank."
     "Fish?" Tina asked, not certain she really wanted to know.
After all, drowning was bad enough.  What could be worse?
     "Yes, piranha fish.  Ten of them."
     A cold knot formed in Tina's previously upset stomach.  She
had seen what a school of those little fish could do in the
Amazon.  The fear of drowning quickly became less important.

Uh, as much as I hate to topple piranha off their pedestal of Popcorn 
Movie Death Fish, if she was actually _in_ the Amazon with people who 
hung around piranha this wouldn't be the reaction. Piranha go fairly 
torpid in cool water, generally ignore the relative giants who splash 
around them (like most tribesmen), and only become a real danger to 
humans when they're starving and in much larger numbers than ten.
 

Yeah, I know but they make such delightful plot devices and expecting 
the Koreans to find more
than 10 in Tokyo is probably asking a bit much.

     Pulling out his black book, the little man flipped through a
few pages, paused and then flipped through more pages.  Soon, he
was frantically going backwards and forwards through the book
before suddenly throwing it on the floor in disgust.  "Book no
talk about piranha fish.  This vely compricated."
     He was just beginning to pace, considering Tina's fate when
a voice boomed in precise Japanese from somewhere behind the
warehouse.
     "This is the police.  You are surrounded.  Put down your
weapons and come out with your hands up."
     The effect on the men in the warehouse was electric.
Shouting orders in a language Tina didn't understand, the little
man launched his men into action.  In an instant, men in dark
suits were running every which way; gathering items in the
makeshift office, getting into cars, and totally forgetting about
their captive.  When the man in charge of the winch that
controlled Tina's rope abandoned his post, Tina was plunged
towards the murky water below.
     Her scream of terror was cut off as she jerked to a halt.
Forcing open one eye, she found herself only two feet above the
water with the piranha anxiously swirling about beneath her head.
She cautiously looked towards the winch.  Her life was spared, or
at least her death delayed, because the rope had become entangled
in the winch crank.
     "Nice fishie," she said in a high-pitched voice.  "You don't
want to eat me."  Moving only her eyes, she slowly looked around
for help.  Unfortunately, everyone was piling into cars and
stuffing things into the vehicles' trunks.  Two paused only long
enough to throw a couple of bear can-sized objects at the stacks
of wooden crates along the back wall.

Beer can, right? I'm suddenly seeing Race Bannon's evil clone hucking a 
barrel at 'em.
 

You know, I once did a story when all sorts of familiar characters kept 
wandering in and out of
scenes.  Maybe, I should think about doing another like that.  It could 
work..

     With loud bangs, the crates burst into flames.

Reason #510 NOT to hide in an abandoned fireworks factory.

The fire
quickly began to spread to other debris shoved haphazardly along
the side walls.  In seconds, Tina was surrounded on three sides
by fire.
     A roar of engines and squealing tires accompanied the small
caravan of cars as they burst through the warehouse doors and
quickly disappeared into the night.

"Amid a roar of engines and squealing tires, the small caravan of cars 
burst through the warehouse doors and quickly disappeared into the night."

Dunno if that's that much better but as it is I have the image of a 
ghetto blaster playing the Oxford Chamber Choir's Honda commercial.
 

I like yours better.

     In seconds, Tina was alone.  "I don't want to drown.  I
don't want to be eaten by piranha.  I don't want to burn.  I just
want to go home," she whined.

Generally the hysterics begin with calls for help that nobody listens to.

     Seconds passed as the fire grew.  Smoke began to fill the
air and the heat was causing her to sweat.  Only the sounds of
burning crates broke the silence.
     She coughed a few times on the fouling air, the act causing
her head to pound.  Glancing around for some way of saving
herself, she caught sight of a figure moving swiftly through the
warehouse, heading for the office.  She didn't know who it was.
She didn't really care.
     "Help me!" she called before a coughing fit overwhelmed her.
     The figure stopped.  "Tina?"
     She knew that voice.  "STEVEN?"
     "What are you doing up there?" Steven said, as he walked up
to the stock tank.
     Tina coughed again.  "Hanging around," she snapped.  "Get me
down!"
     "Sure thing."  He looked around as if trying to find some
way of reaching her.  "Ummm, how did you get up there?"
     A loud 'pop' and hiss drew their attention to her rope.
Burning debris had fallen on it.  The old rope burst into flame.
     "That's not good," Steven said as she started to climb over
the steel wall of the stock tank.

Sudden sex change! (yeah, yeah, I know)
 

Yeah, yeah, you're right.  :-D

     "I wouldn't do that, if I were you," Tina warned.  "Your
friends stocked the tank with piranha."
     Steven froze.  "And that's worse.  How on earth did you get
yourself into this?"
     The burning rope slipped, dropping her another few inches.
"I met YOU!  Now, get me down!"

A couple of fibers burn through, one strand frays, and I don't think she 
drops that far. Unless the fire is near the winch and it's burning 
through the snarl that's keeping her up.
 

Sounds like I need to work on this bit.

     "Okay.  Ummmm, I better drain the tank first."  He pulled
out a handful of change and started sorting through the coins.
     "What are you doing?  You can't buy off piranha," she
yelled.
     "Patience, I'm looking for something."  He sorted through a
few more coins before finding the one he was looking for.
Pocketing the rest, he held up what looked to be a 500 yen coin.

Saying 'patience' in the middle of a burning building is rather callow 
of him.
 

Yeah, but perfectly in character.

     She cast another glance at the burning rope.  Strands had
already begun to separate as the fire worked its way through the
old rope.
     Before she could admonish him to hurry up, he peeled
something off one side of the coin and knelt down by the tank.
"Cover your eyes," he said.  When she gave him a frustrated look,
he sheepishly nodded.  "Or just close them."
     Slapping the coin on the outside of the tank, he jumped
aside.  A few seconds later, there was a loud 'bang' that caused
ripples to race across the water's surface, irritating the
piranha and causing them to jump disturbingly close to Tina's
face.
     Steven stepped forward and bent over to examine the spot
where he had planted the coin.  "I don't understand it," he said,
running a hand through his dark hair.  "They said in training the
500 yen explosive would blow a one foot wide hole in inch thick
steel."
     Tina squealed as the rope slipped again, this time causing
her blond hair to touch the water.  One enterprising piranha
began nibbling on the exposed hair.  "Stay away from my split
ends!  Steven, DO something!"
     In frustration, Steven stood up and kicked the side of the
tank.  There came a crack followed by loud rumble.  "Uh oh," he
said before diving aside.

Again with the cracking metal. Gimme a nice, mellow, low-toned 
BONNNNNNNNNNG and then the steel starts to groan.
 

Sounds good.  Let me run it around a bit.

     With a sound like thunder, the entire side of the tank gave
way, spilling hundreds of gallons of water across the warehouse
floor and leaving piranha flopping in its wake.
     Steven was just admiring his handiwork when the rope holding
Tina gave way with a loud 'snap'.  She screamed and closed her
eyes as she fell.  Her previous fears of drowning or being eaten
by piranha were replaced by the very real possibility of breaking
her neck.
     Her scream was cut off when she felt herself collide with
another body before landing in the wet bottom of the stock tank.
     She rolled over to see Steven laying on his back partway
underneath her.  He tilted his head up and smiled.  "You okay?"
he asked.
     Tina forced a tired smile and rested her head on his thigh.
"I thought I was dead."
     When she looked up again, he was examining the ceiling of
the burning warehouse.  "You know, I always thought these places
had sprinkler --"  His observation was cut off by a loud 'pop'
and an even louder alarm bell.  In seconds, they were both
thoroughly soaked by the fire suppression system.  "Oh, there it
is," he said.

What, no halon? Just for that I'm taking away your BOFH merit badge.
 

Cheap Japanese warehouse.  ;-)

     Tina didn't know whether to laugh or hit him.

Considering your limbs are trussed, one of those options is not practical.
 

Don't sell her short.  The girl has spunk.

The situation
was so absurd, both laying in the bottom of a destroyed stock
tank surrounded by flopping piranha and he's making some crazy
observation about the sprinklers.  Her relief at being rescued
finally won out.  Her laughter bubbled up and soon echoed his as
they lay there in their impromptu shower.
     Sounds of approaching sirens slowed their mirth.
     "Can you stand?" he asked.
     "I can't even feel my feet."  She rolled off him and tried
to sit up.  It wasn't easy considering her hands were still tied
behind her back.
     "We can't wait until you can walk," he said, standing up.
"I better carry you."
     He helped her up as much as she could stand, the pain from
her abused ankles causing her to cry out.

Isn't that always the way?

Bending over, he
hefted her onto his shoulder and quickly worked his way around
the flopping fish and through the shattered door.
     Outside, he darted left and into the welcoming darkness only
to turn right again into an alley that paralleled the road.

If this is really a warehouse district, "roads" are more of a 
suggestion. There's a lot of asphalt for loaders and suchlike.
 

Yeah, I got in a hurry here.  I'll redo the escape.

Trying a few doors as he went, he finally found one unlocked.
Pushing it open, he carried Tina inside and kicked it shut, just
as the fire and police vehicles reached the warehouse.

The _burning_ warehouse, right? Not the one they just found to hide in?
 

Oooops.   :-[

< snip >

     Tina shook her hands and wiggled her fingers as the needle-like
pains signifying returning circulation roamed across her
hands.  "Why did you come back?" she asked, remembering how he
had deserted her before.
     "To tell the truth, I wasn't looking for you," he replied,
his hands stopping their gentle massage of her ankles.  His eyes
refused to meet hers.  "I was trying to find out more about what
those guys have planned and traced them to the warehouse.  You
just happened to be there."
     She regarded him with a mixture of curiosity and irritation.
"Is that why you ran out on me at the house?"
     His hands left her ankles and he sat back on the dusty
floor.  Drawing a deep breath, he looked up at the ceiling.  "No,
that was panic.  I'm really sorry about that.  I didn't know
where I was and fear of what those guys might do with me, if I
was captured...," he finally admitted with an embarrassed shake
of his head.  "I shouldn't even be doing this kind of work.  I'm
not cut out for all this espionage stuff."

I'm sure if you call back to the home office they'll send in a black ops 
team to get you back safely.
 

IF he could call back home.  :-D

     Tina drew a deep breath and flexed her fingers again.  They
were almost beginning to feel normal.  "Steven, what's going on?
Who are those guys?" she asked softly.
     Steven sighed.  "I guess you deserve an answer.  You've
certainly earned the right to know," he said adding a painful
smile as his eyes captured hers.  Even in the subdued light of
the room, she could see how difficult this was for him.  Maybe he
was just trying to protect her from something worse than what
she'd already been through.  Maybe he didn't really know what was
going on.  In any case, she wanted the truth.
     Returning to her ankles, his strong hands gently massaged
the bruises caused by the rope.  "Those guys are Koreans, the bad
kind.

"Cut-rate animators bleeding the very life from the Japanese 
entertainment industry."
 

Koreans, doing the job Japanese won't do.

     His expression and tone of voice caused Tina to shiver.  She
certainly didn't want to put anyone else in through what she had
experienced this evening, especially Aoi and Kaoru.  There was
also Taeko and Chika-chan to consider.  They certainly didn't
deserve that kind of treatment.  Maya, maybe, but not the others.

Anime continuity, right.
 

Yeah, Mayu (I misspelled it in the original) and Tina are like oil and 
water.   Make that: gasoline
and a lit flame.

Miss Manager could probably take care of herself, remembering how
the woman handled Steve's pistol like she had been doing it all
her life.  There was obviously more to Miyabi Kagurazaki that
Tina had been able to detect.  "But won't everyone be in danger
just because they live there?" she asked with a grimace.
     "I don't think so," he said, kneeling down and checking her
bruised ankles.  "The Koreans already know you're on the run.
They might watch the house in case you return but I doubt they
will do anything.  They probably knew this was their only chance
to grab you.  If you don't go back, I doubt they will do anything
more than watch."
     "Why don't I just go to the police?  They'll protect me,"
Tina said.
     Steve nodded.  "Until the police are finished questioning
you.  Then what?"

Well, or they all mount an attack on the 13th precinct, and then they 
have to let the Yakuza hitman out of the cells and fight together 
against a common enemy until Samuel L. Jackson shows up in a helicopter.
 

Wow.  Your story sounds better than mine.  :-P

     "Look, we need the cover.  This will allow us to blend in as
we travel.  I have a military ID that says I'm an Air Force
Captain.  We can pretend you're my wife and we're on vacation
touring Japan."
     "I'm NOT sleeping with you!" she growled.
     "And I'm not asking you to," he insisted in a calm voice.
"This is just for show.  We don't have to do anything to prove we
are married.  It'll be a lot easier than sleeping in the woods
every night."
     Tina frowned at the little gold band with its tiny diamond.
The only person she ever wanted to receive one of those from was
Kaoru.  Her eyes went from the ring to Steven's face and back
again.  Despite her reservations, she had to admit he was right
about how it would be better sleeping at an inn than a tent or
something.  Still, she wanted one thing understood.  "I've seen
how you secret agents act.  I've seen all the James Bond movies.
You gotta promise, no hankie-pankie."
     "I promise," he said with a light chuckle.  "I won't do
anything to compromise your honor."
     "Well..."  She looked at the ring again.  It wasn't a bad
wedding ring.  Actually, it looked a bit like the one she hoped
she would wear some day.  It wasn't as if they were going to do
anything married people would do, she certainly wasn't going to
let him have THAT.  "I suppose you're right," she said taking the
ring in her hand.
     "Don't worry.  It's a fake diamond," he said, holding out
his hand again to help her to her feet.

"And if you dip it in water then smack it against some hard surface, you 
have about 20 seconds before the smoke bomb goes off."
 

You guys really like this 'spy stuff', don't you?

     "If it'll make you any happier, I'll carry you over the
threshold of the first inn we stay at," he replied, his voice
sounding tired.
     Tina didn't respond.  Her ankles hurt, her head was
pounding, and all she could think about was how she got herself
into this mess.

Aside from the piranha thing, not bad at all. (And I wouldn't quibble 
except that Tina has no trouble around animals which are, in the long 
run, much more dangerous.)
 

True but she also has some really uneven fears.  I'm guessing piranha 
could be one of those.

Thanks GF, for the read AND the comments.  Oh, and thanks for the pix.  
I can see another
manga collection in my future.

- GL

--GF

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