Since I kind of have a hunch that it's not likely to get many responses,
I'm going to try to C&C this despite having only the vaguest notion of
what Valis is.
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
S. Berkeley Watkins, Jr. wrote:
- Vecanti Fairytale
Phantom Soldier Valis
---- PREVIEW TEASER ----
A Fanfic By: Berk Watkins
Mugen Senshi Valis Developed By: Wolf Team (for Telenet Japan)
The click of boots on marble.
The hollow thud of massive doors swinging aside. Dark, black boots
tracking in red smears across white, stone floors enter through the
opening doors.
I would eliminate the comma after white, and probably the one after dark
also. I seem to recall that commas should only be used in that
situation if you can reverse the words, and neither "black, dark boots"
not "stone, white floors" sound right to me.
I'd consider dropping dark entirely, actually, since it seems redundant
with describing the boots as black.
A woman's voice remarks, "I want you to know something, Yuuko."
Another's replies, "What is it?"
Possibly change "Another's" to just "Another"?
The boots aren't tucked into anything, they simply reside on a pair
of legs left more or less bare up to the hemline of a dark, violet
skirt that drapes down from a wide, plate belt. The legs are pale and
streaked with more red.
Again, I'd drop the commas after dark and wide.
"I've always hated you."
A black sword swings through the view frame, silently flicking a line
of red down to the floor, a finger then coming down to casually slide
up the fuller's groove of the weapon. The hand travels upwards, then,
crossing a fair bit of bare territory, smeared in crimson as well as
some strategic, black armor plating. The finger enters into the
swordwoman's mouth, leaving a smear behind as it departs.
Swordwoman should be swordswoman.
The mouth forms a lazy smile that is briefly replaced by the image of a similar
girl dressed in a sun dress and wide brimmed hat.
This girl speaks, "I've always hated you. From the first time I set
eyes on you."
The swordwoman reappears, and the object of her gaze comes into view.
Again.
A woman dressed in tattered and bloodied robes that were once of
truly fine quality. She seems to bear a great deal more than her
apparent years as a burden, but far more striking are her solid, blue
eyes, cobalt from edge to edge.
Drop the comma after solid.
This woman's eyes are the focus as she too is replaced by a far
younger woman, a Japanese girl somewhere in her mid teens with
shockingly blue eyes. The look on her face as she peers at the woman
in the sun dress is obviously one of shock.
"mid teens" should be "mid-teens"
"When we meet again. I will kill you."
Coming: Summer 2006 (We mean it, really)
Hmm. Well, I'm certain I'm missing a great deal (that whole only
vaguely knowing what Valis is thing) but it was at least a mildly
interesting teaser, and I'll keep an eye out for the actual thing.