----- Original Message ----- 
From: "David Johnston" <rgorman@telusplanet.net>
To: "Dave Wong" <darksoar@yahoo.com>
Cc: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Tuesday, June 20, 2006 4:25 AM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma - Star Wars: Jedi Academy] [The Jedi of Chaos] 
[Chapter 2]

Dave Wong wrote:

Luke Skywalker, son of Darth Vader, lone Jedi Master,

Wait...you're saying that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's dad?

Cute.

The door swished closed behind him as Luke walked out
into the hallway.

Y'know, I can't remember whether Star Wars has those Star Trek doors.

They do - there's not a single *hinged* door in the entire sextet, and the 
only slow-opening/closing doors I remember seeing are the big blast doors on 
the Death Stars. (Close the blast doors! ... Open the blast doors, open the 
blast doors!)

And besides, the source for this scene is the Jedi Academy game - where they 
most definitely do have such doors.

Crimson, in the course of her training, had solely
focused on the combative aspect of the Dark Side.
Aside from mastering the basic instruction, her rival
had limited control over manipulating her Force aura.
Had she been chosen for this mission instead,
Crimson's blazing presence in the Force would've given
her presence away almost immediately.

I read the prologue when it was first posted a long long time ago, and 
missed the first chapter, so I didn't remember that Akane had been named 
outright in an earlier posting. But the name "Crimson", coupled with Ranma's 
presence, makes it pretty blatant who this is. Not that it matters a whole 
lot, though.

Therefore, it had fallen to Allura to do the job.  It
was of no consequence to Tavion that Allura had loudly
protested her given task; all that mattered was that
it had to be done.  Allura had nearly taken off
Crimson's head when the human had openly ridiculed
her; a lightsaber duel had broken out right there in
the Disciple of Ragnos's main base.  It would have
gone on for hours, the two females being about evenly
matched, except for their leader's interference.
Although she usually enjoyed (and even encouraged at
some points) such hostile displays of murderous
rivalry, at the time she had decided that there was no
more time to be wasted.  With one powerful lightning

Delete "With"

assault later, both of her disciples had been
instantly subdued.

Or "later". Either works.

She had no choice in the matter and finally accepted
that, barring her Mistress, she was the only one
suitable for the job.

Which was why she was here right now.

Suppression of her Force aura inevitably condemned her
mission to proceed at a very slow pace.  Disliking
every second of it, Allura had to sneak into the Jedi
Academy the old-fashioned way; no mind-tricks, no
Force enhanced speed or jumps, nothing that would
require use of the Force.  She had to rely on hiding,
crawling, and generally trying her best not to be seen
or heard.

One thing that made it a whole lot easier for her was
the fact that Skywalker was foolish enough not to post
sentries, or even not having more than the basic

or even have more

security system, one that hadn't been upgraded ever
since Brakiss's stay a few years ago.

Brakiss' - no trailing s after the apostrophe.

She shook her head in scornful disbelief.  As far as
the Twi'lek was concerned, this was part of the reason
why the Jedi were so easily deceived by Emperor
Palpatine during the death of the Old Republic.  Their
teachings against guile, anger, hatred, everything of
the Dark Side was a very significant weak spot in
their training.

Well mostly guile.

Do the Jedi really teach against guile, anyway? True, you're not supposed to 
use your skills and talents for personal gain, but they are taught to 
recognize when others are trying to do the same.

SNIP the rest - while interesting, I think it's a little too much exposition 
for right now, unless you're planning on turning Akane back soon.

One complaint (minor): This is moving much too slowly for my taste. The 
segment you've spent a prologue and two chapters on, and will possibly not 
finish in the next chapter, takes all of five minutes to play through in the 
game, which includes a couple of minutes' worth of scripted cutscenes. Speed 
up a little, will you?

SP

PS: After only playing through the first three tier one missions in the 
game, I want Rosh's head on a pike. Man, is he annoying! 



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