Glazius Falconar wrote:
GL Sandborn wrote:
More setup for the action to follow. Please C&C. It
really needs it.
Much of what you found was caught earlier by Lurker and McMillan. The
corrected chapter is now
on my web site.
K. Step one: find and replace "Karou" with "Kaoru". Both of them are
equally hated by the spellchecker, but only one of them is his real name.
Step two: I realize popcorn spy movies often have Idiot Plots, but
really... well, more on that when it hits.
Once she got him back to her room in the servants'
quarters of the mansion, it was really late. Nobody was
still awake. She remembered dumping him on the floor
over by her desk and throwing a blanket over his body.
How he got in her bed, she'd rather not think about.
It's more how he _stayed_ in her bed that I'm wondering about. Aoi
snuggles in her sleep. Tina dreams about being Sheena, Queen of the
Jungle, or something similarly athletic and winds up booting everything
off onto the floor. Even when she goes to bed tired and scared.
This was never stated in the Ainime. I don't recall any odd feature
about Tina's sleeping habits.
Obviously, the manga goes deeper into this issue.
The series of events would unfold mostly the same if she stepped out of
bed onto him and that woke _him_ up enough to go all Mexican Standoff
with Taeko.
I'll consider this but I was going for something subtle up to the point
of explosion.
Sheepishly, the man eyed the mess. "A person in my
business can't be too careful." He blinked and shook his
head like he was trying to clear his vision. "I think...
I think I got up too fast." His eyes rolled back in his
head and he collapsed with a loud 'thud' in the middle of
Tina's formally clean laundry.
"I wish you'd stop doing that," she said with a
heavy sigh.
Again I wonder how Mr. Linguist has got enough reflexive situational
awareness to draw and point the gun. Or is he only a linguist like Indy
is a professor?
He's more than he seems. He got this job as much because of his natural
instincts as his education.
"Of course she wouldn't," Aoi said calmly as she
stood up. Holding her hands together down the front of
her, she turned to her governess. "I'm quite certain
there is a logical explanation."
That description sounds _incredibly_ salacious. I know what you're
trying to do here - Aoi is a loaded respect cannon, ready to bow at any
time. Not sure how to keep this with the flow. "Clasping her hands over
her sash", maybe? It can't be _too_ long because it's such a casual
gesture, but.
'Holding her hands in front of her' would not adequately reflect the
pose. It might suggest to some
hands clasped together waist high and to others hands clasped together
at mid-chest. I was going
for her 'trademark' pose seen in just about every episode of the Anime;
her hands held together with
straight arms towards the floor. I'll tinker with it a bit.
"Oh, come on, Miss Manager. I'm an American. We
know how to handle guns. It's in our genes." As if to
prove her claim, she struck a Lupin-like pose and winked
at Kaoru.
I'm having trouble visualizing 'a Lupin-like pose'. Lupin mostly runs,
right? Hauling his latest acquisition over his shoulder?
::one Google Image search later::
Would "resting the gun against her temple in a Lupin pose" describe it
appropriately? No, that sounds a) initially suicidal and b) like she'll
deafen herself with the misfire.Further description seems to make it
sound like the bullet went nearly straight up, which makes me
retroactively visualize that silhouette in the center in the classic
Charlie's Angels logo.
Maybe just "crossed her arms and winked at Kaoru"?
I donno. I'm looking at one now where he's holding a pistol in more of
a 'two finger salute' pose where
the barrel of the gun is pointed about 25 degrees off vertical possibly
as much as a foot from his head.
I'll walk through it again and attempt to think of some better
description. Perhaps dropping Lupin all together.
"Gimmie that!" Miyabi snapped, grabbing the pistol
out of Tina's limp hand.
"Give me that!", right? Miyabi doesn't lose her cool even when she's
losing her cool.
Already gone. She snatches the pistol without expression and handles it
like a pro, which raises some
interesting questions about Miyabi.
"Probably my office," Miyabi said with a sigh. "It
is directly above this room."
[...]
"In the mean time," Miyabi said, casting her eyes
towards the hole in their living room ceiling, "I'm going
to see what damage Miss Tina did to my office and lock up
this horrible weapon."
[...]
"You better come with me," Miyabi said firmly. "If
that bullet went all the way through the ceiling of my
office, I will require someone to check for a hole in the
roof."
"You had better", "You had best", or perhaps "you will".
"You had best" is already the corrected version.
Also, "office" has stopped looking like a word. If Miyabi's deliberately
emphasizing it then stick in some _emphasis_.
By evening, Kaoru returned from class in time for
dinner. Tina could tell by the more relaxed atmosphere
that all were confident that Mr. Hunter was gone for good
and nothing more would come from the incident.
Is Tina that perceptive?
"No one even mentioned him, or the gun, at dinner. They were probably
all confident he was gone for good."
Something like that, maybe.
Hmmm, transition scene problem. I'll revisit it again.
Miyabi, however, wasn't quite ready to turn over her
most troublesome resident. "Can I get you some tea? You
can talk to her in the living room here." She indicated
the large room with her hand.
"May I" seems to fit Miyabi better.
Again, already changed.
"I don't know but I have a very bad feeling about
this," Miyabi replied.
And this is about where the Idiot Plot kicks in. I really doubt Miyabi
would be all that willing to let three strange men come into her house
and act the way they pleased. I think I can see where you want to go
Japanese police do this all the time.
with this - Tina goes bye-bye under suspicious circumstances and the
house comes to belatedly realize this - but that was a bit much to
swallow. Two possibilities:
1) The scene happens mostly as written, but the man who does most of the
non-suspicious talking passes himself off credibly as an inspector and
apologizes for the rookies who aren't used to the pressure of such an
important case.
2) Tina decides to turn herself in to the friendly neighborhood beat cop
but gets intercepted most of the way there and absconded with. He sees
the car (not an actual police car) and relates the story to whichever
member of the household next sees him and asks after Tina.
3) The new ending. Miyabi is VERY uncomfortable about the three men but
is caught in a dilemma.
She knows that the men could easily out muscle them and just take what
they want. On the other hand,
she is under orders to avoid any embarrassment to the Sakuraba family
name. Engaging in a struggle in
their living room, which would most certainly result in injuries -
possibly severe enough to warrant
hospitalization - would be very difficult to keep out of the media.
In the end, Tina makes the decision for her and goes with the 'police'.
Miyabi is now caught between
protecting Tina and protecting Aoi. She ops for Aoi but agonizes over
how these 'police' did not follow
standard procedures for taking a gaijin into custody. In the mean time,
Kaoru and Aoi notice a second
vehicle approach (after the first departs with Tina). It's a marked
police car with two uniformed officers
and a detective. It is then, Kaoru and Aoi know for sure Tina has been
abducted.
Thanks for reading and responding.
Just one question, was there ANYTHING you liked about it? From your
review, it would appear to be a
total washout.
- GL
--GF
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