Good. Very good. I've seen only a few episodes of this anime, but what I
liked about it was that the characters always took center stage. This is
a little more direct than canon material, but good.

Also short. I can comment on short.

OVERVIEW: No major problems. One hard-to-read sentence, lots of nitpicky
things. NICE!

<snip>

I sometimes wonder why it is that my brother worries so much about me. 
Its 

  ^^^   It's

not as if I'm able to die really, and my armor body is far less fragile
than 

maybe add a comma: die, really

his, even with his automail limbs.  But I suppose it is something that
big 
brothers do.

As it stands my brother is both loved and hated by the people of the
various 
places that we go to.  Loved by the common people that we go to help,

Doesn't parse well.

suggest: As it stands, my brother is both loved and hated by the people
at every place we visit.

and 
hated by those who's plans we upset by making things right again. 
Brother 
doesn't know it, but I've stopped many attempts on his life.  While he 
sleeps, I watch him.  While I question the aspects of life, and the
people 
who live it in so many different ways, I am also the first to note that
my 
brother, while he has his problems, is a good person, and for that the 
people who look at him and see a reflection of who they really are,
hate 
him.

Run-on sentence. And to Robbin for a moment... 'holy commas, Batman!'

suggest: While I question the aspects of life, and the people who live it
in so many different ways, I am also the first to note that my
brother--while he has his problems--is a good person. For all that, the 
people who look at him and see a reflection of who they really are hate
him.

I know that he hasn't given up on his quest to get me my body back. 
And I 
know that its what he thinks about when he's not fooling the people who
have 
been oppressing the people he's been sent to protect.  I also know that

Hard to parse again; too many 'people.' Also, I think 'its' is a typo.

suggest: And I know that is what he thinks about when he's not fooling
those who have been oppressing the people he's been sent to protect.

while Colonel Mustang irritates him, big brother doesn't really hate
him, at 
least not yet.

heh.

Yet I can't seem to understand why he keeps running away from his
feelings. 
Pain he can deal with, hurt he just buries, but love is something I
have yet 
to see him take on.  Sure, he loves me as any brother would.  But if he

If he deals with pain, how can he keep running away from his feelings.
Perhaps say 'he keeps some of his feelings at arm's length.'

even 
begins to feel something for a girl he's on the first train out of the

Comma:                               ^

area. 
He says its duty.  He can't let himself get tied down with a girl
because he 
hasn't finished his promise to me, or his duty to the military now that

fulfilled instead of 'finished' I think.

he's 
a state alchemist.  I'm not entirely certain what it all means, but I
do 
know this, Edward Elric, the Full Metal Alchemist, my big brother can

Colon:     ^

handle 
just about anything thrown at him.

Maybe sometime in the future, I can become a state alchemist too.  I

'sometime' doesn't work here. It should probably be dropped.

know 
that brother doesn't like the idea because it means that eventually we
would 
be split up by duty, but if I had my old body back, I know that I could
help 
people the way he does.  He says that I help people as it is, that as a

civilian I'm able to do things that a person associated with the
military 
can't.  I suppose its true to a degree.

Are Alchemists technically _part_ of the military? If so, it should be:
able to do things that a member of the military can't.

There are towns that don't know about my brother, but absolutely hate
the 
military.  I'm usually the one that is the biggest help to him because
I am 
able to help protect the people until he can prove that he is really on

their side.  I don't get to do a lot of alchemy, but I guess its for
the 
best.

it's

I sometimes wonder about the future.  What it holds for us and what it
means 
for my brother to be known as he is.  Perhaps someday I'll be able to
find 
out.

-Alphonse Elric

Later,
Rick "when i get around to it" Spiff

FFML member since 2000 A.D.

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