salia twril wrote:

I wrote this last night, in a fit of hyperactivity.
I find myself asking: WHY?
However as it was not disliked with a shower of threats and such,
I give you the revised:
Ranma VS the Power of Voodoo.

A Ranma 1/2 spamfic
By Sal

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, not at all. They belong to
Rumiko Takashi, and this is intended as a tribute, if anything.

Note: Set post Manga or something. Probably violates canon somewhere.
Reading may cause you to wish to use cannon(s) to violate this authors
personal space. May contain nuts.

"Well well... back for more abuse, are you?" said Andrew as he wheeled 
out the Violator cannon.
"And you thought that fat clown from Spawn had all the fun." he 
continued with a wink.

Note: I am by far no expert in matters of writing. If you see stuff you 
disagree with, let me know.

Begin story.

Ranma and Akane ran towards school, hand in hand. Maybe, things might
turn out all right between the two of them after all? With this bright
and hopefull thought on their minds they cleared the gate, and skidded
to a stop. For standing directly in front of them, clothed in
downright weird regalia was...Gosunkugi? Yes, it seemed that under the
wax dribbled cow skull with candles burning in its eye sockets and
inside a too large robe with skull markings along its hems, shining like
libarachi with all those sequins on said robe, and behind the face paint
which spelled out 'vudou' in poor lettering was that erstwhile
personage. The stuffed rat pinned to his back was, everyone agreed,
just the finishing touch to go from 'downright weird' to 'escaped mental
patient'. It wouldn't have been so bad, but someone had painted it a
pastel purple with neon orange stripes.

I would remove the question mark from the sentence:
Maybe, things might turn out all right between the two of them after all?

I would restructure the sentence from this:
With this bright and hopeful thought on their minds they cleared the 
gate, and skidded to a stop.
To this:
With this bright and hopeful thought on their minds, they jumped the 
gate, then skidded to a halt.

I can't help you with the rest of the paragraph. It's so insane, but 
seems to work. IMO.

Standing somewhat wobbly behind a set of complex markings on the ground,
looking as if he had had even less sleep than normal, his normal pallor
even worse than it had been the entire time they had known him, was a
shaky Hikaru Gosunkugi. Self-styled voodoo practitioner.

his normal pallor was even worse than it had been the entire time they 
had known him
                  ^^^

"Ranma," he slurred out, "your time has come...for all three of you!"
He began muttering to himself too quietly to be heard, then exploding
out with "Your doom is here, and Akane will be free! You can't kill
what's not alive! Your defeat is now!' Unfortunately for him, this
effort seemed to exhaust him, and he fell over with glazed eyes,
muttering about a servant arising.

Three of you? I don't get it.

He began muttering to himself, too quietly to be heard, then exploding 
out with
                             ^
I would change this from:
... and he fell over with glazed eyes ...
To:
... and then he fell, his eyes glazing over as he muttered about a 
servant arising.

Ranma just looked at Akane, feeling extremely defensive of her, and not
really knowing what on Earth to expect from the voodoo boy. His wait
was soon ended, as the ground in the center of the markings erupted and
an animated skeletal corpse appeared with a beleaguered moan.
"Ungaaaa..." it cried as it focused upon the pigtailed martial artist,
and thoughts began trickling through the magically animated remnants of
its mind.

This sentence doesn't really work. How about this:
Ranma looked at Akane and shrugged, not really know what to expect from 
the voodoo boy.

"Uh...Guess not," Came the reply, as Ranma put his arms behind his head
and began playing with his pigtail, most of the other students having
wandered off after a few minutes earlier, when no fight had been in the
offering.

I would end the first sentence at pigtail. Then alter the second 
sentence to something like:
Most of the other students had wandered off when it became obvious that 
no fight was going to occur.

"Umm...Well, I kinda promised my mom I'd try and not be so late any
more, yaknow...I don't suppose it'll just be here later, and I can fight
it then, or something?" When no response but a muffled sob was in the
offering, he just shrugged, bounced off the zombie's head, and ran to
class, arriving barely before the bell rang.

How about this alternate phrasing of Gosunkugi's response:
When the only response he got was a muffled sob, Ranma simply shrugged, 
then leapt away, using the zombie's head as a spring board. He arrived 
at his class barely before the bell rang.

The zombie however, looked slowly around. Left...right...left...right.
As it was then lunch time, it saw its designated target off eating, and
began to turn towards him...only to have lunch end, its head bounced off
of again, and another series of hours pass while it slowly scanned left,
then right, then back left again. It was working on looking right once
more as the spell which had called it up suddenly ended. The animated
dead, with what could pass for a embarrased 'what can you do?' shrug,
once again fell to the embrace of the earth.

This paragraph needs refinement. How about this:
The zombie, however, looked around slowly. Left... right... left... 
right. Trying to find it's victim. Lunch time arrived and it finally 
detected it's designated target a fair distance away, eating. It started 
to move towards the one it was supposed to destroy when lunch ended. 
Ranma quickly disappeared from sight and it went back to scanning left 
to right, trying to re-acquire it's target. Many hours passed this way. 
Finally, the spell which had called it forth ended. The animated dead, 
with what could pass for an embarrassed 'what can you do?' shrug, 
collapsed as it returned to the embrace of the earth.


I think the ending needs a bit more of a punch line. Here is a 
possibility... but I think mine is kinda weak as well.
Gosunkugi, hiding in a corner somewhere, had never been so embarrassed.

-End


End note: Thanks to Gary Kleppe, jared waddell, and Andrew Petalik for 
the comments. Hopefully this is a bit less harsh on the eyes this time 
around.

Much less harsh indeed. Good show.


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