Raye Johnsen wrote:
Please C&C; I LOVE comments and criticism.
All right, I'll give it a shot.
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Fair warning: Australian spelling is used throughout.
I shall do my best not to point any of those out as spelling errors; any
cases where I do are created out of honest ignorance, and I ask your
forgiveness in advance.
Ever since her debut in the underground nightclubs of
New York five years ago at the age of thirteen, Clyne
has been a figure of debate. Did Sony sponsor her
first mainstream performance simply to garner
publicity, to attract the teenage market, or because
(as they claim) they were the first to recognize
Clyne's undeniable talent?
The parenthetical "as they claim" seems a little off to me if this is
supposed to be a relatively formal news article. Suggest something more
along the lines of:
"Sony maintains they sponsored Clyne's first mainstream performance
because they were the first to recognize her undeniable talent, but
others claim that it was simply a publicity stunt to attract the teenage
market." (You might want to be more specific as to who is debating
Sony's claims.)
I'm also not certain that these are exclusive propositions. Sony being
the first to recognize Lacus's talent, then sponsoring her first
mainstream performance to garner publicity seems a perfectly reasonable
sequence of events to me.
As Freedom is a lovely house, and his company�s still
putting out some of the best computers and equipment
in the world, I was a little surprised that it was up
for rent.
The comma after house is unnecessary.
Still, ours is not to reason why; ours is to
try to find an isolated place where we can get a
decent night's sleep and go for a nice walk of an
evening without getting a camera lens shoved in our
face.
"of an evening" should be "on an evening"?
If I keep getting the runaround from that
auburn-headed rock of a secretary, and that blond fop
of a personal assistant, I'm *not* going to be
responsible for the consequences!
The comma after secretary is unnecessary.
According to Ms. Allster, Sai Argyle is out of the
country at the moment, attending to some business for
Mr. Yamato. She also said that she would see that Ms.
Yamato received my query, but it would be highly
unlikely that Mr. Yamato would be willing to sell
Freedom.
You've got a "Ms." that I think should be "Mr." there.
Hmm. I really wound up not having much to say in the line-by-line, and
find myself without too much to say by way of general comments. Though
this type of AU isn't really my taste in fanfiction, it's a nicely
written story, and it seems to do what it sets out to do.