More and more as time goes by, real life becomes a crushing burden on all of us.  And of course, I'm not speaking of just us as otaku (although given my audience, that's who you all are if you're reading this).  Regardless of your views on anime, real life can get to be a real drag.  That's why (at least in part) we ARE otaku; to take a break from reality, and escape into the many worlds that anime affords us.  
Even more so for these conventions: for three days in May, I can be who I pretend to be online: Ukyou Kuonji, proprietor of the Ucchan, genial hostess and quintessential buddy chick... one-time fanfiction writer and now, court reporter for anime conventions.  It's not who I really am in real life, but why dwell on that?

So I'm gonna try not to bring too much real life into the tales to be told about the next three days, if I can help it.  Everyone has their own issues, and you can imagine yours as mine for now, so I don't have to go into it.  For now, though, the safety valve can be cranked wide open, the complaint department is closed, and we are gonna have a damn good time, even if it kills us.

-- 2006.05.04 THURSDAY --

And these days, it sometimes feels like it will.  The last two days, my back has been so stiff and sore, I can feel it in my chest.  To look on the bright side, at least the bed in the hotel can't be much worse than this.  Still, it's really strange; it used to be that sleeping on anything other than our waterbed would do that to me.  What's gonna happen now that *it* gives me backaches, too?

Hoo boy, I'm getting old.

Nope, none of that!  I'm not old and frail, I'm an otaku today!  Come on!

***

I will say that, regardless of your energy level, there's always something about the runup to the convention that takes you off guard.  You can see it coming, a dot on the event horizon, while you're travelling toward it as hyperspeed, but when that dot suddenly lurches toward you and engulfs you, it's still a shock, even though you *know* it's coming.

After four years at the Hyatt Rosemont, you'd think we'd have the hang of it by now.  We know the lay of the land, and everything that has to be done in order to be prepared for the festivities.  We're also relative locals, so you'd think we'd know our way around outside the hotel, wouldn't you?

Thing is... Arlington Heights ain't Rosemont, and vice versa.  Fact is, we come out here only once a year, just like the rest of y'all.  And it shows.  

By way of example, the traditional fanfic writers' dinner has had a change of plans this year.  Rather than leaving the convention, going out to Denny's and losing precious parking spaces (never mind the costs for those of us that might not have in-and-out privileges), we've decided to have pizza delivered in instead.  And I've volunteered our room (more on that later) for everyone to gather.  I've also recommended that - since we're in Chicago - we get some of the pizza Chicago's famous for: deep-dish from Gino's East.  Thing is, I can't *find* Gino's East in order to get a menu for folks to review; their website's down, so I can't download a menu.  And while I assumed I could get a few copies by dropping in en route to the convention center, it *isn't* en route to the convention center.  And here I could have *sworn* it *was*.

That's the sort of local I am - I've managed to completely misplace a favorite restaurant.  We do stop by Giordano's instead - we can't miss it with all the signage out front - while a second choice, to be sure, stuffed pizza is reasonably close, and I can vouch for their stuff in any case.  With any luck, no one will mind the subtitution (actually, I'm pretty sure some will be fine with anything as long as they serve - heresy! - thin crust pizza.  C'mon, there's a time and a place for that, sugars...)

***

Still, we've learned enough to park at the River Road "L" station rather than at the convention center, and save at least ten bucks in the process, while we go to finalize our pre-registration.  Based on a series of emails we've received over the last week, we understand that *only* those pre-registering will be able to pick up their badges tonight.  So maybe the lines won't be as long as they were last year.

It certainly seems that way when we first step into the convention center.  The lobby is virtually deserted, in fact.  But then we spot a banner having from the ceiling, directing us upstairs to registration.  We're barely off the elevator when we find ourselves gazing into a room that appears to be full of people waiting to register.  Konatsu blanches, and scurries off to the bathroom.  Which makes sense; it's obviously going to be a long wait, so one might as well get as comfortable as possible (or at least reduce any possible DIScomfort, at any rate).

Once suitably refreshed and ready to tackle the line, the staff essentially directs us *around* it.  The line basically snakes around a large open space (did I say open space?  It's actually littered with a maze of aluminum crowd corral bars, but at least the cetral area is more or less devoid of people).  The line isn't short by any means - after all, it does extend around this open space - but it isn't quite as intimidating as it appears at first blush.

***

It's strange... despite the fact the Thursday has been designated for pre-registration, the security staff ask us whether we're here for pre-registration - and later, whether we've paid in advance - in order to direct us to the line we're supposedly be in.  Forgive me for asking, but when you register in advance, isn't it a given that you *pay* in advance?  Where else would we be going?

Konatsu-chan, my voice of reason, points out that, while the ACen staff may have sent out emails to all those who pre-registered, indicating that today was excusively for them, the folks who decided to wait until the last minute and register today would by definition not be on ACen's mailing list; literally, they wouldn't have gotten the memo.  So they have to be accomodated separately.

All in all, it's an impossible rule to enforce.

***

Speaking of impossible to enforce order, a guy arrives shortly after we get situated in line, dressed in what appears to be a toga, and carrying a sheathed katana.  He charges noisily back and forth through the empty zigzag lanes en route to the end of the line, cheered on (possibly derisively) by some of the security staff surrounding the line.  He slides to a stop just short of his goal, nearly knocking over one of the supporting poles, and some guy calls him "out."  Later on, somewhat bored, he makes a few efforts to knock down the corral bars - he actually suceeds, once.  What he don't succeed in is getting laughter and applause from those around him, and he's a bit more subdued thereafter.

For a while.

Halfway through the line (at least we *hope* we're halfway through), we spot a fellow kitted out in a suit of armor eniterly made of cardboard.  It sounds chintzy as I'm writing it, but despite the fact that it's obvoiusly cardboard, that's the impressive part about it - it hangs on him just about as if it were leather armor, but you know differently.  We find ourselves speculating about what series his character is from - Parn from Lodoss Wars, maybe?  "Nah," my kunoichi asserts, "if it's a character we don't recognize, it's a good bet that it's from Final Fantasy."  Good point.

***

The problem with a long line is that you get plenty of time to fume about the injustice of it all... especially the anomalies surrounding the fact that this is *supposed* to be exclusively for those who have pre-registered.  There should be *some* advantage for taking care of matters ahead of time.  But from where I'm standing, I see four booths marked 'Cashier,' and only two labelled 'Pre-Registration.'  Sure, the procrastinators have to be accomodated, but two-to-one?  And based on their own email, ACen *knows* we're coming, too.

Okay, now that we're finally nearing the head of the line, I can see that the cashier booth only has as many computers as booths, while the pre-reg booths, while oddly unmanned themselves, have a row of tables adjacent to them, bristling with at least a half dozen computers and maybe half as many staffers - I can only assume that some of the computers don't work.  And the line for the cashiers is so much shorter; one wonders if it would have been better to just come to register and pay today.

***

Someone else accidentally knocks over one of the aluminum bars, to a rather large ovation.  Behind us by less than a dozen others, Toga-boy gets jealous and starts rattling the guard rails nearest to him, with no real success to speak of.

***

Once we get to the booth, though, processing is reasonably smooth, escpecially in comparison to last year's computer issues.  There is one problem, though... they've run out of badge holders, so there's no way to pin them on.  Now, *we* have lanyards at home, from an AnimeIowa sponsorship a year or so back, but not everyone's gonna be so lucky.

***

Just as we're walking out after having completed our registration, we spot John-sempai walking in - and not a moment too soon, as the doors are supposed to be closing at nine.  He's made it with less than five minutes to spare.  We warn him about the two hour wait, to which he asks us if we had Express Check-In.  Since we have no idea what he's talking about, it's probably safe to assume we didn't.  And if we did, it's rather less than truth in advertising, let me tell you (oh wait... I've just done that).  It turns out that he's referring to sending our info in online, which we did, way back when.  "Did you pay for it?"  Well, of course we did; that's the whole point, right?

Apparantly not.  Seems the *real* express is for those who registered but *didn't* pay.  It's what that smaller line for the 'cashier' booths is for.  Geez, and don't *we* feel like chumps for not doing this earlier.

***

Still, walking out to the parking lot with our swag bags in hand, it's starting to feel like things are underway.  Konatsu opens the bag, takes a deep whiff of plastic and freshly-inked magazine stock: "Mmm... gotta love that new con smell."

Beyond that, too, is the instant rapport, however superficial, with anyone we meet on the street as we walk the quarter mile or so back to the van.  If you come across anyone else toting a blue bag, you know immediately; they're a fellow otaku.  We see kids of six, and bearded guys of sixty or so carrying their bag, and wonder... does this mean that anime's gone mainstream yet?

Although at the same time, I wonder if it even matters what the masses think of it.  If I like it, and I can get it, isn't that sufficient?

As we settle into the van for the last trip home before it *really* begins, Konatsu lets out a sigh.  You just don't realize how sore your feet get from standing around for all those hours, until you get that chance to sit down.  At least *now* we can rest...

...uh, well, not quite yet.  Thanks to our friend Paul Corrigan, we've gotten somewhat hooked on a series entitled Maria-sama ga Miteru (The Virgin Mary is Watching, although the translation isn't clear whether this is maternal beneficience or omnipresent Big Brotherism.  I suspect the ambiguity is intentional) - if only to be able to read his newest stuff and understand what the heck he's talking about.  If I understand him properly, author Konno Oyuki doesn't know much about the Catholic school system, even in Japan (as it so happens, I looked it up in Wikipedia and found that the actual school upon which the Lillian Jogakuen is based *isn't* a religious school at all).  Be that as it may, we've gotten hooked on it.  It's a lovely story, really.  Konatsu actually cried during the 'Forest of Thorns' arc; my kunoichi's been accused of being a lesbian by people who didn't know the truth, so it hit closer to home than for most people.

Thing is, we've got four episodes of the second season yet to watch.  At this point, I could just as easily watch a couple and call it good for now, by Konatsu is somewhat insistent that we finish it tonight and get it out of the way.  As a result, we're up until nearly midnight - hardly a good idea on a school night.  Yes, Dan-chan watches it with us - he's gotten into this series, too, especially the 'Don't Tell Maria-sama' omakes (hey, who doesn't look a good SD-outtake now and again?  They do leave you wanting more of them)

Oh well, what's done is done.  We just have to ensure that he's up in time to catch the bus, that's all.  At least his homework is done.

-- 2006.05.05 FRIDAY --

Of course, waking him up in the morning is easier said than done.  Granted, every morning is a struggle these days (he takes after Konatsu as a nocturnal creature - given the opportunity, he wouldn't *do* mornings), but today, of all days, he doesn't really want to go.  More to the point, he doesn't want *us* to go; coming home to an empty house (L-chan will be with him nost of the weekend, yes, but she works until a little after 5:30pm herself) just doesn't sit right with him.  At all.

In fact, he doesn't understand why we do this, and asks us, as he does every time we prepare to go, "Why do you like anime conventions?"

If there's anyone out there that can explain this adequately to a twelve-year-old who doesn't like not having his parents around (a rare circumstance in and of itself, so I'm told), I'd like to meet them.  Personally, I know for a fact that, come Sunday, he's going to be all "What?  You guys are home already?" because he always has so much fun with L-chan, but for now, I have to answer this question.  And it's never satisfactory, no matter how reasonable: hanging out with friend who share the same interests, meeting people we only see once a year (if we're lucky), watching the latest anime and fanworks... it all falls flat on his ears.  Part of it's the fact that this is an interest we don't hold in common; Dan-chan enjoys a number of series - last night is proof of that (although he'll enjoy any excuse to stay up late, come to think of it) - but anime in general doesn't hold his interest.  Bottom line, as things build up to when we actually will be leaving for the
 convention, these three days in May loom large and lonely in his mind, and he doesn't like it.

For those of you with spouses (or significant others) that don't share your interest in anime, I can't imagine what you go through.  Konatsu ventures a guess that Dan-chan's lukewarm attitude toward anime is a generational thing; ordinarily, this is the province of the younger set, but since his parents like it, to him it can't possibly be cool.  Who knows?  He *is* almost a teenager, after all...

Still, it's nice to hear from him that he'll miss us so much... although we know that he won't by Sunday...

***

Ideally, we would like to get to the hotel by eleven, when opening ceremonies start... but as with everything in life that is subject to Murphy's Law (which is to say, everything), things take longer than expected.  On the other hand, we seem to have everything packed pretty solidly, in as few containers as possible: one suitcase, one cooler, two boxes of snacks... and *how* *many* bags of plushies?  Scratch what I just said about few containers.

Rushing about to grab this and that, I'm not watching where I'm going, and I slam my shoulder into a door jamb.  Konatsu is there almost immediately... but isn't exactly what I'd call helpful.  "Oh, poor-Ukyou-sama.  Here, have some breakfast."  How does that follow?  I mean, I know I haven't had any, but what's that got to do with my shoulder?

It occurs to me that this may be how Americans have gotten such a reputation for being so fat.  Every time a child cried, we soothe them in this same manner - by sticking something in their mouths.  By the time they grow up (and out), they've learned to pacify themselves with food.

On the other hand, why should Americans be so perpetually dissatisfied with their lot that they *have* to eat so much?

***

When you come right down to it, though, I can't really complain about the time we're making.  Even with a stop for additional beverages (Konatsu actually gets carded, and has to run back to the van for proof of legality), and gas (where we find ourselves offering directions to another motorist - not to the convention, I'm sorry to say, but there are other places some people have to be, after all), we still manage to pull into the Embassy Suites' car park with twenty minutes to spare before eleven.

You read that right, the Embassy Suites.  And no, the convention hasn't moved.  It seems that every year for the last few, we find ourselves getting further and further away from the action.  Two years ago, our room was on the second floor, just hop, skip and jump away from the consuite (and no messing with elevators to speak of!).  Last year, we were on the top floor of the annex building, and at the end of the hallway, too - essentially the farthest away from the convention you could be, and still be staying at the Hyatt.  This year, while I'm pretty sure I made our reservations earlier, the hotel was already filled up.  So we wind up in the official overflow hotel of AnimeCentral, the Embassy Suites.  We hope it's not *too* far away.

And I suppose it isn't, at least as long as it doesn't rain.  It's across River Road, to be sure, and the Sofitel is actually closer (don't know why they weren't tapped to pull overflow duty), but it's directly across from the convention center, at any rate.  Which means that the dealers' room is temptingly close - closer, in fact, than from the Hyatt itself.

Despite our relatively early arrival (or more to the point, because of it), we can't check in yet; we're advised to try again sometime around 1pm.  The previous tenants have to clear out (they have until noon, after all) and then the place needs to be cleaned up, so that's how it goes.  No big deal, although it didn't hurt to find out - hey, we could have gotten lucky, after all.

So, it's on to the Hyatt, and the opening ceremonies.

***

We expect a line to be waiting outside main programming, and we're not disappointed in that regard.  What's confusing is that there are *two* lines, one on either side of the hallway (which I presume is done to cause minimum disruption to traffic flows).  The question is, which one to get into?

Turns out, they aren't separate lines.  The one queued up along the window is actually the start of the line, while the one by the inside wall is the continuation - the line wraps around as it backs up to the hallway.  It's not intuitive in the least, but at least there are a number of staffers working security (beg pardon - I.R.T., or Incident Response Teams) that direct us to the end of the line, which is ironically pretty close to the beginning of the line by now.

As the I.R.T.s escort us and several others who have arrived at the same time as we have (and are equally confused about the layout) to our spots in line, we spot a Nabeshin sporting what has got to be the weirdest of all Afros.  The thing appears to be made on shag carpeting, and of an odd hemispherical construction such that it makes our cosplayer look a bit like a mushroom (although in silhouette, he might well look like something a bit more risqu�).  It's at this point that he flips open a couple of cat-door like things in his Afro to reveal... guns and ammunition (presumably fake, of course - this *is* a convention, not a war zone).  Well, I'll be... Konatsu snaps a picture, the first of the convention.

Finally, the line starts to move, and we file in pretty quickly.

***

They've got a couple of jumbotrons, one on each side of the stage, displaying photos and video clips of last year's ACen.  Something to keep us all entertained as those behind us are seated, and those infront continue to prepare for the presentation of the guests and so forth.

At the back of the stage is a banner bearing the 'AC' of AnimeCentral, done up in the manner of the "Battle Royale" logo.  There's something disconcerting about even the slightest comparison between the two.  I mean, there's gonna be, what?  Twelve thousand people to kill?

As our host, Carl Horn, once again takes to the podium, there is one last video played, asking why people come from all over to attend ACen.  The answer?  It's not just a convention, it's an excersize program!  And sure, there's running around, there's dancing, there's fighting... but the real proof that one loses weight comes from a before-and-after comparison of... a wallet.  And damn if it hasn't shrunk considerably by the time the con is over.

Carl then launches into a brief description of the differences between American comics and Japanese manga.  Oddly enough, he uses as a metaphor the differing funerary procedures of the two cultures; in America, we attempt to embalm and preserve as much as possible (which seems a more futile thing than our efforts to preserve our written and artistic history), whereas in Japan they destroy (by burning or pulping) and recycle it.  Of course, consider the ridiculousness of saving each of those telephone books the Japanese call a monthly comic magazine; you'd be squeezed out of your apartment in very short order.

He has a bit of a laugh at the expense of one of last year's guests, the Japanese consul (who either was not invited or refused to return, Carl doesn't specify).  A bureaucat through and through, he had offered the standard diplomatic platitudes about his hopes that manga and anime could bring the American and Japanese cultures closer together, but it was clear that the real cultural gap was between himself and the world of manga and anime.  According to Carl, he has seemed surprised by the whole reception; apparantly, despite its prevalence, manga and anime are not held in terribly high regard, especially by those who are supposed to be the adults of the society.  Carl tells of taking the man aside, and suggesting that Japan should be every bit as proud of the manga and anime industries as of such corporate giants as Sony, Toyota, and so forth.

Perhaps even more so, because the faces that manga and anime turn toward the west are much friendlier than those of Japan, Inc.  In fact, I recall having read a new clipping a few days prior to the convention of a Member of the Diet suggesting that a Nobel-type prize be established for manga artists, as the art form is popular in China and Korea as well as Japan.  The hope is that Japan might be able to burnish its image among neighbors with which bad blood from half a century ago still flows.  Even more unusual, the MD gave the example of the importation of American pop culture during the Occupation after WWII; it was in part the Popeye cartoons that changed the Japanese opinion of Americans: from oppresive conquerors to a people who were strong, yet good-hearted (if possibly a little dim).

The mix of Japanese guests is different this year; in fact, there are very few of them at all.  Carl apologizes profusely, and explains that attending a convention isn't exactly a vacation for our guests from overseas - and as this is the tail end of Golden Week, a vacation is exactly what they want to be on.  However, we do have several manga artists (whose output requirements are such that there is no such thing as a true vacation in their world)

Junko Mizuno, the creator of "Cinderella-chan," "Princess Mermaid" and "Fancy Gigolo Pelu," is introduced first, and she appears to have been taken off guard; she is out of breath as she takes the microphone, having run onstage from somewhere deep in the bowels of the green room.  "What should I say?" she asks Carl.  "Give them inspiration," is his response, but she really can't come up with much.  It's hard to fault her, on this, her first time on the ACen stage.  Her editor is nowhere near as shy with the microphone, and informs us that we all can take pictures of Ms. Mizuno throughout the convention, but please refrain from posting them on the Internet.  I don't know about y'all, but I wouldn't've thought about it without being given the explicit prohibition.  You *know* someone's gonna do it, just 'cause they were told not to.

Tomoko Taniguchi is introduced next, and three girls clatter onstage.  Well, CLAMP is a pseudonym for a group of female manga artists - although why they'd choose an actual personal name, rather than, say, Studio Such-and-Such, is a bit of a mystery.  The mystery is solved as they introduce *themselves* as 'TsuShiMaMiRe.'  They're this convention's musical talent, not a manga circle; it seems that Carl's been crossed up.  No matter, as TsuShiMaMiRe pleads with the audience to "please, please come to our show tonight," followed by several voices calling out "I will!"  Editor-san (although I'm starting to wonder what exactly his role is) steps forward to permit us to take photos and what-not, but just not record their singing.  Fair enough, I suppose...

It seems that Carl isn't aware of what just happened (or maybe he's making it up to the group), as he proceeds to introduce TsuShiMaMiRe - and Tomoko Taniguchi walks onstage.  Unlike Junko, the author of "Call Me Princess" and "Princess Prince" (between these two manga-ka, I'm sensing a theme here) is a veteran of AnimeCentral, having been here way back in 2000.  She's glad to be back, as much for the fact that she's still in business six years later.  In an amusing case of turnabout, she pulls out a camera and takes a picture of *us*.  Hey, if she's gonna put that photo on the Internet...

On to the American guests, starting with Greg Ayres.  For those of you in the betting pool, his hair is _green_ this weekend.  Sorry, those of you who put your money on purple - send all receipts to Nabiki Tendo, like I'll be doing when I get the cash together.  He apologizes for the earlier confusion between Ms. Taniguchi and TsuShiMaMiRe - according to him, Carl's intros sound like "Wah-WAAH-wah-wah-Waaa"... kinda like the adults in the old Peanuts cartoons.  He calls Monica Rial and Chris Patton up onstage with him, and they strike a Gunsmith Cats-type pose (evidently, they aren't putting any restrictions on photographs like the Japanese guests).  Oh, and he's also gonna be DJing tomorrow night during the Soap Bubble dance; in his own words, he's "gonna make your nose rattle!"  Oh-kay.

The DeJesuses are the next ones introduced, but only Emily appears onstage.  No explanation is given as to where Bob is, or why he's not here.  Regardless, Emily announces that this is their fifth anniversary to a fair amount of applause, and mentions appropo of nothing to speak of, that "the movie Otaku Unite! captured the most embarrassing moment of my life, so... Yay!"  I'm gonna have to check that flick out, see what it was that was so traumatic.

Director and screenwriter Jeff Nimoy... is not available.  At the moment.  Carl turns to us conspiratorically, and tells us, "I'm not supposed to say this onstage... but he's in the bathroom."

So he moves on to the next guest, and rather than mentioning his name first, Carl tells us his biggest role, that of Greed from Full Metal Alchemist.  A host of flashbulbs pop as Chris Patton takes the stage, to such an extent he worries about suffering an epileptic fit from the exposure.  Speaking of exposure... and he calls for "the Trifecta."  Greg and Monica dash onstage yet again, striking a pose a la the Three Monkeys.

The Trifecta barely gets offstage before Monica is introduced, and she has to return (Carl could save time and effort if he'd just introduce her while onstage, but I suppose that takes a bit of the steam off of his introductary remarks).  So do the other two, posing in a rather more provocative stance (Chris Patton, in particular, looks like he's pawing Monica - not that she seems to mind).  She apologizes profusely for not having been able to attend last year.  To make up for it, she assures us that she has saved up that much more energy for this weekend.  As she leaves, Carl sends regards to us and her from Mr. Rikudo Koshi - apparantly, of all the American seiyuu he would most like to work with, she tops the list.

Next on the list is Christopher Ayers (and there's no indication as to whether or not he's related to Greg).  He plugs his workshop on stage combat for cosplay, and invites anyone with questions on combat to look him up.  He's easy to find, he asserts: "I'm the little guy with the loud shirt and the huge mug.

Jeff Nimoy is out of the washroom - finally! - and admits that this is his first anime convention.  Oh, boy is he in for it.  But he's certainly excited to be here.

Another first timer is introduced, Mike McFarland, the voice of Goemon from Lupin III.  But for a first-timer, he sure knows how to work a crowd.  Far from being intimidated by the crowd's size, he actually tries to outyell us - and even succeeds for a moment or two.

Studio Tavicat takes their turn onstage, and Tabitha Wolfgarth gushes about sightseeing yesterday with several of the other guests, "I just *love* Chicago!"  Her partner, Rikki Simons, is considerably more laconic: "Hi... see you later."  The man behind the voice of Bloaty the Pig and several other Invader Zim characters (and doesn't THAT get a lot of applause) goes on to explain that he's been on the wagon lately - this is his seventh day without caffiene.  Hate to say it, but he's probably gonna fall off over *this* weekend.

Long-time ACen veteran Jan Scott Frazier is next on the roster, and she's added a new title to her already considerable credits in the anime industry; she's the producer (and one of the artists) on a new album, "Voices for Peace."  Basically, it's a group of voice actors that have cut this CD, for which all proceeds will be going to charities.  A noble cause, the disclaimer in the program guide notwithstanding (evidently, ACen's tax status require it to insist that Jan's views are not necessarily that of ACen.  One has to remain politically neutral, after all).  In fact, she and Greg and Chris will be holding a benefit concert this evening - and she's nervous about it, as it will be the first time she's performed in public - well, at least *sung* in public.

The next guest is described as "an American comic artist who's made a mark in Japan" (although that description fits Ms. Frazier already) - Fred "Piro" Gallagher.  And the crowd goes wild.  As always, Piro is thoroughly modest; while mentioning that ACen is the one con he's gone to every year, he adds that "I think they haven't figured out how to get rid of me yet."  He also expresses gratitude on behalf of all the artists for the layout of the Artists' Alley - another thing to go check out sometime today.

As Quinton Flynn steps onstage, Konatsu-chan nudges me: "Don't you think he looks like a young Davey Jones?"  Those of you who don't remember the Monkees, never mind.  He rattles off a few statistics, including age, height and so forth adding that, "you can put that on the Internet."  He also spots a girl with bunny ears, waving a sign reading "We (heart) Quinton."  I don't see her, but I don't know where to look; who am I to doubt him?  It's his first convention, or as he puts it: "Some call me a virgin... others would call me something else..."  He wraps up his star turn with a few voices, including some non-anime ones like Jonny Quest and Timon the meerkat.

Yet another first-timer, Brittney Karbowski, makes her greeting short and sweet with another plug for the Voices for Peace concert tonight, as well as the album; she will be singing along with Jan, Greg and Chris.

Introduced as the author of "the one 'how to draw manga' book you can actually learn from," Bruce Lewis greets us all in Spanish, although I think he's insisting that he is 'americano;' my Spanish is pretty rusty, to say the least.  He encourages us to attend his panel later this weekend, and, more to the point, to buy his book, "as I have a mortgage" to deal with.

Doug Smith is back for the first time in seven years.  At ACen99 he was the voice actor for Kintaro Oe, but now he returns as an artist in his own right.  Grinning, he asks "Hey, where's *my* Trifecta?" to which Jan and Mike run out.  Mike actually *tackles* Doug, in fact.

Mike gets to play a featured role with the next guest, as well.  Colleen Clinkenbeard chides us for not making enough noise, and brings Mike out to prove it.  And sure enough, he outshrieks us at first, but with a little preparation, we outdo him the second time around, and Colleen is satisfied.  For his part, Carl does a fairly credible - and loud - monkey noise, but he has the advantage of a microphone.

We have a mystery guest up next... the mystery apparantly being where the heck he is.  In any event, Troy Baker's name is dropped, to polite applause.  No point in going overboard on it, as he isn't here to hear it.

***

Now the Midwest Anime Promotion Society officers - the folks who run the convention - are invited onstage, "assuming they aren't scared," Carl goads them.  At least one of the girls is dressed in the suit, fedora and dark glasses of the convention mascots the Aoi Sisters (analogous to the quintessentially Chicagoan Blues Brothers, Jake and Elwood - transformed into Jaye and Elle-chan)  Chairman Jon Sugarman notices that someone is missing.  

"C'mon, Frank..." and secretary Frank Sanchez, last year's dancing fool, climbs onstage... and he's outdone himself for foolishness this time.  He's decked out in a fox costume - as Kit, the Aoi Sisters' magical(?) animal companion.  Evidently, he lost a bet: he dared someone (I'm not clear as to whom, but I would guess it was either a fellow officer or one of the regular staffers) to make a costume, and he'd wear it, under the assumption that it would never get finished in time.  Not only is it finished, it looks fairly good, in the ridiculous way that a human in an animal costume does.

Vice-Chair Becky Sibio - the one dressed as the Aoi Sister - rattles off a list of things she's not supposed to do this weekend, such as pushing another staffer into the pool, teasing Jayson Clarkson ("But it's too much fun!" she whines), making fun of Cardcaptor Will for wearing a *suit* today, and something about a 'cuddly viking'?  Now that's a contradiction in terms.

Seriously, though, 'Mack Truck' Sugarman (okay, maybe not all *that* seriously) mentions that there are parts of the hotel which are off-limits to us over the weekend.  It would seem that AnimeCentral is not alone here at the Hyatt - which may explain part of why we were aced out of finding a room here.  The Rosemont Ballroom (which in the past served as four separate screening rooms) is referred to as "an evil - and silly - place," and we are to stay away from it.

With a declaration of love to the staff, and an admonition to the rest of us to "have fun, and be safe," the chairman turns the mike over to Frank again, who instructs everyone to look under their chairs for the 'special' program guide.  And damn if it isn't but a row back and five seats over from me (in the main programming room, that's considered close enough for jazz).  The prizes aren't available at this exact moment, but Frank tells the winner to come see him a little later to claim his swag - "I'm easy enough to spot, aren't I?"

With that, everything's just about set to kick the con off.  But we do have one last, ceremonious moment to go; the honorary con chair must officially declare the convention open.  This is usually done by the youngest attendee here.  Personally, I'd like to see someone who was born the day the first convention opened (April 3, 1998, for those curious) - but little Erika is considerably younger than that - maybe four, five years old, in a darling little Chinese style dress.  I guess ACen's missed their chance - unless they did it a few years ago, and I wasn't paying attention.  At any rate, Erika, unlike some previous honorary chairs, isn't shy at all: "Anime Central is now open."  

Bang.  And there was much rejoicing (yay) and clearing of seats.

***

So we wind up back at the hotel a bit earlier than instructed - twenty minutes to one - but our room is available already, and so we go and get our stuff unloaded from the car, and cart it to the room.  The place looks a lot like the Collins Plaza in Cedar Rapids, actually, with eight floors of rooms surrounding a central atrium.  Classy.

Our suite - yes, there are two rooms to it - is nice enough, but it is what would in real estate circles be described as 'cozy.'  Translation: it's not all that big.  Of course, we're so damn spoiled by the size of our room at the Hotel Fort Des Moines that anything would seem small by comparison.  Much as I hate to, I'm hoping the fanfic crowd isn't *too* large - twenty people would pretty near strain the capacity.

While Konatsu runs the luggage cart back down to the concierge, I prepare to hook the computer up to the television, to serve as a second monitor.  Only... we left the computer back in the van.  Damn.

So I run back out and fetch it, and together we get it all set up.  Only... there's no auxiliary channel.  The television has no way that we can determine that will permit us to display what we have on the computer.  And let me assure you, we do *try*.  By two o'clock, we finally give up.  Not that we have anywhere that we need to be, though; we've read the program guide, and while there's a pretty full schedule going on, there isn't anything in particular that's going on *now* that grabs us and screams "You gotta be here!"  In fact, nothing so grabs us until about 10pm, when Anime Improv, hosted by Mike McFarland, is on.  All of which is just as well, as we certainly don't want to be hosting the fanficcers and wishing we were someplace else.

Someplace else is where we're going *now*, though... well, once we have ourselves a spot of lunch.  One thing to be said about having a suite - the front room is kitted out like a kitchen, complete with fridge and microwave, so we can take some meals in the room rather than necessarily going out all the time.  

Which is what we do, putting together beefbowls for ourselves while we work out a game plan for the next couple of hours.  The dealers' room seems a good place to kill a few hours, but first, we can check with the concierge to see what can be done about the television hookup, and maybe some information on Gino's East (wouldn't a restaurant leave a few menus or what have you at local hotels as a form of advertising?  You'd think it would make sense).  Turns out, I wasn't going out of my mind yesterday when I couldn't find the place; it's actually *past* River Road, so coming from the west as we were, we would never have seen it (well, it is Gino's *East*, after all).

***

Unfortunately, the front desk appears to be swamped with folks checking in.  As our needs aren't urgent, we decide to leave them alone, and inquire about the television and Gino's when we return.

***

The first thing one encounters walking into the vast hangar that serves as the dealers' room, apart from what used to be a long line for registration yesterday, is the Artists' Alley off to the left.  In fact, one is required to walk through Artists' Alley in order to get to the dealers' room.  No wonder Piro was impressed.

Bumper sticker in Artists' Alley: "My giant mecha stepped on your honor student."

As we're wandering through the Alley, we come across both Pearson 'Doc' Mui and Paul Corrigan.  It's good to see familiar faces.  They start discussing with each other about the commissions they've already placed orders for (if one wants to get their artwork before the convention ends, one has to put it their request as early as possible).  Paul, in particular, has commissioned a drawing of what I understand to be Shiori Kubo (Rosa Gigantea Sei Satou's lost love) in, shall we say, extremely casual clothing.  Despite having gone through all the available MariMite, I can't quite visualize this image; meanwhile, Paul seems a bit surprised that we would have watched both seasons of the show simply to keep up with what he's been working on.

Well, it's a fun show... and Dan-chan likes it too, so why not?

Once we reach the dealers' section, Paul and Doc split up from us; we'll meet again at six.  They've already been through here (and Doc is doing some gofer work for the artists, so he has other stuff to take care of).

***

It's amazing... the variety, and in some cases the sophistication, of the wares offered in the dealers' room are mind-boggling.  Certainly, some of this is stuff you'd never think of needing on your own.  There's a booth at which they will take your photo and morph it into an anime character style.  Not something I'd want, since y'all remember what I looked like at sixteen - and quite frankly, at thirty-something, I'd rather you did.

There's another guy here selling, of all things, voodoo dolls.  Yes, he actually calls them that in his brochure (yes, he has a brochure.  I suppose I should have taken one purely for journalistic purposes, but the whole concept just creeped me out).  "Everything positive," he insists with a big grin and heavily accented English, and to be sure, the dolls seem to be more along the lines of Darumas in intent - one for luck in love, another for financial success, and so forth.  Maybe it's just the word 'voodoo' that scares me, I dunno.

Another vendor I give full marks to for succintly explaining the concept of yaoi to the uninitiated (not that you'd expect to find too many of them here) without being *too* offensive: "Get your Brokeback Manga here!" reads his sign.

It's at this point that we receive a call from John-sempai, trying to arrange a meeting so he can get into the room.  The last of my college sempais to still be attending AnimeCentral (although there's no reason the others won't be back one of these days, Kami-sama willing), John had asked about a month ago if we could let him stay in our room (and what with it being a suite, we saw no reason to object - there'd certainly be no privacy issues, after all).

At the same time, we'd like to finish going through the dealers' room first before heading back to the hotel.  A trip here requires too much of a committment to simply leave and come back later.  You have to take it all in, so that when you leave, you leave with a clear conscience that says "okay, I've made sure I haven't missed anything I consider important.  Now I can go."  Of course, that also translates into dropping a few banknotes here and there... oh yes, I've gone on the AnimeCentral weight loss plan, that's fer damsure.

***

On our way out, a stocky fellow in a Tuxedo Mask outfit demonstrates perfectly Rule Number One of cosplay (as promulgated by one of many T-shirts for sale behind us): The costume must always be completely unsuited to the wearer's body type.

Still and all, anime by its very nature creates body types that almost physically impossible in the more extreme cases.  From the tall and rail-thin elites of Utena's Ohtori Academy, to the fall-on-your-face-with-every-step chests of ecchi heroines, there are an awful lot of unrealistic body images in anime.  And to think, people spent a generation denouncing Barbie for promoting that sort of thing.  Of course, kids still play with Barbies, and otaku will still watch anime, regardless.

***

Back at the hotel, we get John situated, and warn him about tonight's visitors.  He doesn't seem too terribly concerned about, so that's a relief.  Meanwhile, Konatsu wants to go swimming, so we get out our Japanese school-issue swimwear and troop downstairs, through the atrium, up stairs and down, off to the pool.

The complicated path proves to have its rewards, as the pool is completely deserted.  Not a soul here but us, with a pool twice as big as the Hyatt's and a hot tub that would seat a dozen otaku, should the need arise (it won't).  Lots of privacy here, and even more so with the windows as steamed up as they are (otherwise we'd be giving anyone passing by on River Road a bit of a show...)

***

Thus refreshed, we dry off and walk back to the Hyatt to escort the fanfic crowd back once we're all assembled.  And while it's not really a surprise to see the occasional limo pulling up to the lobby, it's really strange to see several at a time.  Add to that the fact that high school kids in tuxes and gowns are stepping out, and you begin to put two and two together... mein Gott, there's a *prom* going on in the middle of AnimeCentral!  

Part of me finds this delightfully amusing; here we have the ultimate revenge of the geeks, the 'out' crowd (come on, remember that's the connotation of 'otaku' in the original Japanese, after all) on all the pretty people who go to these things.  At the same time, I do kinda feel bad for the kids, too... this is a bit overwhelming, when they're all trying to be all grown up and sophisticated, to be confronted with pretty much the opposite.

***

The gang, such as it is, is all here presently, although one person asks us about Dan-chan, requiring us to explain his ambivalent attitude toward anime and us as otaku.  Others of us have trouble explaining our addiction to our parents; one girl talks about trying to get her mother to watch Vampire Hunter D.  It's all the same - one generation isn't necessarily going to understand the next.

Speaking of subsequent generations, the panel (or rather, the short list of alternates) includes a girl by the name of Kasey Zhong.  At the risk of my next statement being taken the wrong way, I find myself somewhat intrigued by Ms. Zhong, or 'Kasimei' as she refers to herself online.  For all the attempts at having a diverse representation at the fanfiction panel - various fandoms, styles, what-have-you - the main panellists (Jeanne Hedge, Gary Kleppe, Paul Corrigan, Bert Van Vliet and Pearson Mui) are all old school writers who've been at it longer even than I (with the possible exception of Paul).  Kasimei, on the other hand, is a new generation of otaku from the rest of us; and I mean that quite literally, as she is almost young enough to be my daughter (and was only five or six years old when my first fic appeared on the r.a.a.c.)  

But for all that, she isn't here tonight.  Among other things, she's busy getting herself together for the cosplay.  Yes, that's not until tomorrow, but there are always preparations to be made - I recall the last minute sewing last year for the Lain pajama outfit, so it's understandable.  But clearly, she's into other aspects of fandom besides fanfiction - something of a rennaisance otaku, if you will.

***

Back home at the Embassy Suites, the topic of cosplay somehow brings up the fact that SOMEone's been walking around ACen in a non-anime costume; specifically, as the fourth Doctor.  Naturally, that leads to talk about the new Doctor Who series; unfortunately, it's more about how to find it than a discussion of the actual writing quality (which I still must admit is far and away superior to the old episodes - granted, the production values as a whole are so much better, but still.  The most recent ones - Sarah Jane Smith's reappearance, the life of Madame de Pompadour - are enough to make one weep, they're that good).  I suppose you have to find the shows and watch them first in order to comment on them, though.

We open up the fridge and break out the drinks, although the order of the day is pretty much non-alcoholic.  Mountain Dews nearly all around, and Bert inspects his with much curiosity.  As a denizan of the suburbs of T'ronna, he finds people writing about drinking Jolt and/or Mountain Dew to stay awake rather perplexing.  Well, Jolt he understands; but in Canada, Mountain Dew is fobidden by law from containing caffeine, as it contains fruit juice.  It's either one or the other, but not both.  And of course here in the States, the whole *point* of Dew is the caffiene.  Well, that's one cultural difference explained and resolved.

Bert, I forget... did you find that American Mountain Dew *tasted* any different from the Canadian variety?

***

Along the line of beverages, at some point Paul takes me aside and presents me with what he considers to be a very late Christmas present (and here I've not gotten him anything in return); a rather sizable bottle of Crown Royal.

Oh, my.

I should pause at this moment and publicly thank you, Paul.  That's really quite an extravagant gift.

And I'll tell you why.  Thing is, apart from New Year's Eve, Konatsu and I only ever drink at anime conventions.  For those three days in May (and in September - or August, this year, but that's another story), we are rather different from our workaday lives.  We cut loose as best we can, and this is one of those ways.

However, those of you who only see us at conventions may assume we're still like this once the dust settles and everyone goes home.  And taking into consideration that I'm in fact the *only* one drinking tonight at any point during the proceedings (someone notices and points out the disposable mini shot glasses, at which point I avail myself of the supply we've brought, but no one else takes up the offer to join in), some folks might be convinced that I'm a lush on the order of Misato Katsuragi (not that I think you're one of these folks laboring under such a misapprehension, Paul - just to make things clear.  I'm just realizing how some people *might*, though).

Never really occurred to me like that before.  Hmm.

At any rate, thank you so much, Paul.  We'll think of you every time we have a nip... which probably means, even if you don't write another thing, we'll remember you for at least as long as it took to age this stuff in the first place, I can assure you.

***

At about the same time, I hand Paul a sheaf of papers.  One of them is a fic that I'm considering working on - that's right, ol' Ucchan's thinking about writing a fic again!  As soon as this furshlugginer report's done, anyway - but he doesn't seem to have much familiarity with Haibane Renmei, and what I have is pretty fragmentary in any case, so he hasn't much in the way of commentary.

Most of the papers were back-and-forth correspondance from before his last visit to AnimeCentral, and before his move up to his beloved Canada - regarding the Odyssey of Amy Bellette.  Of course, now that he's into Maria-sama ga Miteru, any chances of him continuing on any KareKano fics are rapidly approaching nil.  I understand and (however reluctantly) accept that.  But I know he's written twice again what he's actually posted for that particular fic, and it strikes me asa a shame that I'm virtually the only one to have read it.  

Of course, from the vantage point of several years, he seems quite embarrassed by the story; trying to write a fanfic in the style of James Joyce strikes him now as extremely pretentious (To which I say "So what?"  Aya's a teenage girl who's a writer; why *wouldn't* she wax pretentious in an effort to seem a better writer than she is yet?  She isn't particularly seasoned; this would be her effort to approximate that for now).  To be honest, I imagine he looks upon my desire to let those other chapters see the light of day in much the same way as Aya's attitude toward her friend Rika's uncritical affection for her work... those of you familiar with KareKano will understand that to mean that those chapters will probably remain unpublished.  Still, I put in my two yen.

***

Back in the anteroom, where the rest of us have congregated, Doc might be telling a blonde joke, except he apparantly watched it happening; a young woman in a sushi bar mistaking wasabi for... avocado paste?  They don't serve guacamole in Japanese restaurants.  His description of a desire to leap across the room, Matrix-like (complete with slo-mo effects and bass-distorted "Nooooo!") to save her from herself is as funny as the thought of someone making such a mistake.

Meanwhile, Bert has another Mountain Dew.  He says he's tired and is trying to stave off a headache.  Well, I can see how the American version can take care of the first problem, but wouldn't caffiene just aggravate a headache?

But the main discussion is about anime conventions, just to get ourselves in the mood for this one.  As I mentioned before, the vast majority in the room are even more seasoned con veterans than myself (and at this point, that's saying a lot).  CatWho talks about Anime Weekend Atlanta, and how the hotel it had been held at for years has been torn down, requiring the con to move to another hotel an hours' drive away.  Despite the inconvenience, it's a change for the better, as the new venue is much larger - as is AWA these days.

Jeanne, too, holds forth on the topic of exploding conentions.  She remembers Otakon back in the day - granted, only since it moved to Baltimore from the Penn State campus, but that's certainly plenty far back.  The idea of holding the fanfic dinner in a hotel room is part of what reminds her of it: evidently there was one that had twenty in a room.  And despite that, the only casualty of such crowding was a pizza that one of the guys stepped in at some point (if I recall the narrative correctly, he was chasing one of the girls at the time.  There's a lesson in that, I think).

Then there are the cosplay stories, particularly about the legendary Amanda Winn Lee and Genma-panda (ACen 1998) and Pen-Pen (ACen 1999 - same guy in both costumes, by the way).  Someone asks "Was she really faking oral sex on Pen-Pen?"  Now, I was at that cosplay, and I don't remember *that*.  Yes, she had stripped to her cherry-red bra.  Yes, she was boogieing with Pen-Pen.  But getting on her knees and pretending to... I think I would have written that down, and I don't see anything like that in my report.

On the other hand, just stripping and dancing *does* seem to be insufficient reason for her to have been blacklisted from ACen, and she *was* a real firecracker, so for an outrageous rumor, it's not really as outrageous as all that.

Still on the subject of cosplay, the name Tom Cardwell is dropped.  Evidently, he was known for playing Shampoo - in a variety of outfits, but all clearly the Chinese hussy - but hasn't been seen lately by anyone here.  If anyone does spot him, please report him to Jeanne Hedge and Cathy Emineth immediately.

Actually, CatWho is more concerned about the present than the past: "There's a guy [here at ACen06] dressed in chaps, and he's scaring me."

Other cosplay stories (and I don't recall where or when this is supposed to have happened) involved trying to convince Terry Bogard to wear a sailor fuku.  He resists all offers... except a Klondike bar, at which point he hustles offstage to change.  Later in the program, a skit involving most of the Sailor Senshi includes a suspiciously familiar Sailor Uranus, and dang if it isn't the guy who'd prayed Terry earlier.  Somehow, I doubt these sorts of involved callbacks would be able to be staged at a modern convention cosplay.

CatWho unlocks the mystery behind the plethora of Final Fantasy cosplayers: variety.  Apparantly, in FFX2, you have as many as thirty different outfits for each female character (not being one, I suppose she doesn't really even consider the males).  It's no wonder it's so popular - pick the one you like, or that best suits you (oops, I'm forgetting Rule Number One!), and go nuts!

***

I forget whether it has to do with actual cosplay or just revengefics at first (by this time, I'm looking for a menu, and therefore a little distracted.  At any rate, I don't participate that much in the conversations directly, as I'm busy taking notes already.  Or could you tell?), but some mention of the BGCrisis cast going after BGCrash.

I suggest that it could be worse: you could have the original Dirty Pair going after the DP Flash duo.  To which Doc pipes up that: "It's been done."  Evidently there is a fic where this takes place, at an anime convention, no less.  And yes, the hotel gets destroyed in the process.

In keeping with the themes of anime and cosplay, someone (I think it was CatWho) states her admiration for the Sailor Moon live action show: Here's a TV show marketed to two very different demographics; 14-year-old girls (for role models) and their 40-year-old fathers (for something cute in a short skirt to ogle).  It's father-daughter bonding time!

Speaking of fathers (how about THAT for a segue?), Gary Kleppe, the iron fist of the FFML (c'mon, I'm kidding, Gary, and you know it) passes around pictures of his newborn son.  Jeanne teases Doc as he "goes to mush in no time flat."  He *is* a cute baby, no question about it, especially in the shot where he's staring adorably up at your FFML moderator himself.

***

We pass around several copies of the menu - for Giordano's, as the front desk never was able to help us out - and after placing our order, we're told it'll be over an hour before it's delivered.  Well, it's Chicago style deep dish (okay, stuffed.  Either way, it's an inch thick with ingredients) - what did we expect?  At the same time, I'm trying to be a bit vague about how long it will take for the sake of the group - don't want people getting *too* impatient, now.  Besides, the conversation seems involving enough to get most of us to lose track of time somewhat.  Now if we can just scrape up enough cash...

The conversation itself moves on to the true topic at hand, the reason we're meeting together in the first place - fanfiction.  Paul and Jeanne discuss the growing impossibility of a comprehensive fanfiction base: with fandoms getting more diverse with each additional series out there, things are becoming just too fragmented to maintain cohesion.

As for the panel itself, Jeanne relates how she almost had heart failure when she got her first look at the con program guide.  We're not listed in the book - at least, not where she expected to find us, under "F" in the Saturday programming listing.  But it is there, in the Saturday listings... between the "A"s and the "B"s.  Someone's been monkeying with the alphabet, it seems.

CatWho raises an interesting assertion: despite the fact that both the manga and anime are long over and done with, it seems as though Ranma fanfiction will never die, as long as there is something out there to cross it over with.  Jeanne perks up at this; she's been looking for a topic to kick things off, a controversial subject that will get people talking, but not so controversial as to cause rancor like last year's whale-on-Fanfiction.net-fest.  Here's a subject that might just fit the bill.  Why *is* Ranma still alive and kicking?  For that matter, is it?  Gary volunteers to take it - assuming that the panel starts off with a lull.

***

It's about at this time that the phone rings.  Giordano's is downstairs, and either I screwed up on my notes as to when we ordered or that was relatively fast for stuffed pizza.  Probably the former - if I'm actively doing something (like ordering pizza), I'm *not* taking notes, so some of the conversations get long to the ether.  Oh well.  At any rate, there were guesses as to whether they'd come up to the room or only deliver to the front desk - guess this answers *that* question.

We do manage to put together enough cash to cover the bill and a reasonable tip (some people pay double, as the guests they have brought along weren't informaed that this was to be Dutch treat - it's not really fair to ask *them* to ante up).  Jeanne approves of the tip - in her days living in a college town, she remembers tipping a deliveryman who nearly wept with gratitude (college students don't generally tip, after all).  Not that she had that much money at the time, either, but it was the right thing to do.  Speaking from my own foodservice industry background, I admire that attitude, Jeanne.

Bert, Paul and I head downstairs to pick it all up - it may be overkill, but it *is* five pizzas.  As we wait for the elevator, Bert mentions how his hotel neighbors were, how shall I put this?  Enjoying each other, yes, and quite vocally, too.  Didn't know they *had* love hotels in Rosemont; or perhaps this is the best they could do.  He's philosophical about it, though: "better in the middle of the day than, say, at midnight, when I'm trying to get some sleep."

***

As in any situation, once the food arrives, the conversation lags.  Mostly because it's difficult to get words out when you're stuffing food in (at least, it *better* be).  And as it so happens, I'm a bit busy to take notes, myself.

But somewhere along the line, the topic turns to AMVs.  Now, we never could get the television working as a second monitor - the concierge told us they weren't thrilled with the situation, either - this new system can no longer run the pay-to-play video game system, among other things) - but the computer is still here, after all, along with some thirty or so gigs of AMVs.  We have most of the ones being discussed, and a fair number that haven't been mentioned.  Why not show 'em?

Discussion of the "Friendship Test" AMV leads to showing it (and one I consider a bit superior, "Quid Pro Quo."  And by the way, any titles whose names I drop are all available on animemusicvideos.org - yes, yes, I know I sound like I'm shilling for them.  Just go there, okay?)  Jeanne favors the older DokiDoki releases, especially - natch - the Knight Sabers cast as "The A Team."  We play a self-referential video starring Lain making a music video ("Weapon of Choice" it's called - I think that's the song title), and CatWho reveals that Lain was the first anime series she ever saw.  Makes me wonder how she stuck with it after that; we've seen it all and *still* don't get it.

Doc checks out around nine; as a local, he's got to get home (Doc, trust us on this; there's a lot more here after dark.  Crash with friends if you have to, but stay on-campus sometime, ne?  You won't regret it).  After a few more videos (showing those things is like eating popcorn - hard to stop once you've started.  And I'm the last one to fill up on 'em, despite having seen them all plenty of times already), the rest of the writers head out within fifteen, thirty minutes.

I notice that the sheaf of papers I'd handed Paul are still on the counter.  Well, I did try.

We've still got time to kill before Anime Improv, though, so John-sempai shows off some of his purchases; he's spent a fair amount of time and money in the dealers' room himself.  Jackie Chan in the original Chinese (I hope for his sake there are subtitles), and a Ranma� video.  Seems Ran-chan never will die, after all.

The fact that the Improv is in the Forum - where the consuite was last year - is not lost on us.  It brings up the nagging question: what the heck *happened* that there isn't a consuite this year?  I mean, it's not the disappointment that OhayoCon 2001 was (they played the consuite up in their promos, only to not actually have one.  Here, they announced it on the webpage beforehand, so we knew it was no go already).  John-sempai tells us the story as he understands it: basically, the consuite got trashed last year.  Worse than that, right next door to the Forum is the office of at least one of the Hyatt head honchos, and a fair amount of trash got piled up by the door.

If what he says is true, it's a wonder we were let back at all, honestly.

***

It's approaching ten now, and as we're almost completely alone with our thoughts, we finally realize that we haven't checked in with L-chan or Dan-chan to make sure that everything's okay with him.  Considering she has a tendancy to work late, this could be a problem.  But at this late hour, she's long since gotten over to the Ucchan, where they'll spend the night (Saturday night will be at her place), so everything's cool.

***

With that little chore taken care of, we are just ever so fashionably late to the Improv, where - well, this is a first - we're *carded* on our way in.  Something tells me this isn't gonna be the family-friendly audience-participation style show AnimeIowa puts on Sunday noontime.  Kids, you might wanna skip this bit.

On the other hand, I've probably just piqued your interest.  Fine, but don't hold me responsible for any mental scarring.

Mike McFarland is holding forth as the host, and the game at hand is called "Experts."  Greg and Chris Ayers will discuss at length on a subject, going back and forth between themselves - in mid-sentance, generally - at Mike's direction.  But we need a topic, please... testicles?  Lovely.  Take it away, boys.  And so they do, including lines such as "we've been in touch with the subject since we were children," in fact, going back to "since we wore our mother's v*g**a as a necklace - something everyone should try."

And that's why we were carded, boys and girls.

Now Chris Patton takes over for Greg, so we have duelling Chrises here on the subject of...?  Bras.  Right.  If the performers have trouble finding the gutter, the audience is more than willing to point the way.  Mr. Patton is obviously familiar with Bette Midler's ouevre, as he keeps making reference to one Otto Titzling, the bra's purported inventor.  Somehow, the discussion turns to the subject of the inventor of the �clair... at which point, even *I* refuse to take notes.

Finally, Greg takes over for brother(?) Chris, and he and Chris Patton hold forth on the subject of... man boobs?  Oh, lovely.  Greg does get off a good line, though: "Man cannot lactate, these (indicating his chest) are just for the enjoyment of the general public."

Make of that what you will.

The next game is called What Are You Returning?  Our scene is to take place in the Customer Service section of a store, where Chris Patton is returning a gift he received from someone.  But first, a volunteer (female, as I recall) is recruited to escort Chris out of the room, and keep him entertained while the rest of us determine what it is he's returning (a blow-up doll... remember what I said about this audience?), what it's made of (Jello) and who it was from (Madonna).  Needless to say, it's Chris' job to figure all that out.

I imagine he starts off pretty perplexed at the otherwise excessive hilarity as he points out to Chris Ayres that "this part here doesn't work;" once he realizes what it is, he gets more specific: one of the orifices constrict too much (Chris Ayres is understandibly incredulous: "Too much?"  "Here, I'll show you!"  "Uh, no, that's not necessary," as Chris Patton makes to unbuckle himself).  Finally, Greg walks - no, he *vouges* - across the stage, prompting the final guess.  As the game ends and he breaks character, Chris Patton can be heard muttering "That's disgusting" about the very concept of a blow-up doll made of Jello.

The third game is one I actually recognize, the World's Worst.  Most of the American guests of honor are here for this one.  For the world's worst superhero, we have... Captain Apathy (I'd put an exclamation point there, but it doesn't seem appropriate), Sign Language Man (at least, I assume that's what he is: he's mute, too) and Captain Richard Alcohol, "but everyone calls me Capt. Dick Liquor."  Colleen Clinkenbeard takes a turn as SuperMonica: "I'll cute ya to death!" which all but requires Monica to try to send up Colleen in turn.

The world's worst prom date include lines such as "I've been to your house before... you have a real younger sister, don't you?" "Here's your corsage, Mom," "C'mon, Fido," and "These," referring to her chest, "are done, but I still need work."  The world's worst religion only gets in one good stinger, on Scientology, while prostitutes get the VAs on a real roll.  After a few lines - "Uh... I have colitis," "One dollar!?  All right, here's your change" - Mike gets on his knees, takes the microphone in his hands... and it drops on the floor. 

So now *everyone* has to take their turn on their knees in front of the mike.  Greg simply blows on the microphone, while Mike takes another turn and tries flossing with it.  Colleen drops to her knees - and hasn't got a chance, as all the male guests crowd around her to watch her technique (which could be a pretty nasty encounter in and of itself, come to think of it) - but manages to inform her invisible john that she's just had oral surgery, and he jaw's wired shut.  Greg takes another whack at it - "Bless me father, for I have sinned."  Isn't that the wrong tense? - while Jeff Nimoy tries to figure out where to swipe the credit card.

The world's worst voice actor gets stopped the moment Chris Patton steps forward.  One syllable of a name gets out, and everyone else rushes to cover his mouth.

Only two attempts are made for the world's worst proctologist (have I mentioned that the audience is giving these suggestions?  Shouldn't it be clear by now?): I think it's Quinton who does a ventriloquist act, while Greg gets an echo from the void - before they wrap up with the worst anime titles: "Magical Ninja Vaginas" (somehow, I imagine they may have produced a title that translates to something similar), "Mystical Princess Batwings," "Red Ring Rangers," and my personal favorite, the sequel to Boboubo-Boubobo, "Bou-bo-bo-bo-bou-bo-bo Bo-bou-bo-bou-bo-bou." You expect someone to start singing "Blue Moon" to it.

***

There's still another hour 'til Midnight Madness, so Konatsu suggests we stay.  On the other hand, I decide to step outside and get a breath of fresh air, as well as stretch my legs.  Strange how I didn't feel the need to do that back in the hotel room.  It's just as well - before the next program starts up, *everyone* is herded out of the room, and whoever wants to come back in is re-carded.  Now, we weren't there when the doors opened for the Improv, but wasn't this already taken care of?

At least this means we get better seats.

***

The next program in the Forum is something entitled "WTB:WTF?" which, by sheer dint of its strange title, has us both curious as to what it is.  As it happens, it's run by a group that calls themselves "Where's the Buffet?" hence the "WTB" portion of the title.  The rest should be pretty self-explanatory.  

WTB, if I may call them that (hey, it saves on typing, and at this point, any amount of savings on that score is most welcome), runs panels at various conventions; their basic staples are "A Parent's Guide to Anime" and "Hentai-a-Go-Go."  As they put it, they do the respectable bit in order to do the objectionable.  And this panel's gonna be more of the latter (as if the carding didn't spell that out plainly enough): "If you get offended by this, then F.U.  If you don't, we haven't done our jobs."  

And at this point, a couple people head for the door already, pursued by a few taunts from the panel.  Say what you will, they're thorough about doing what they perceive to be 'their job.'

But this panel isn't offensive in the "Hentai-a-Go-Go" sense.  Well, unless you count their PowerPoint presentation, liberally peppered with illustrations 'borrowed' from 2chan and 4chan.  In their words: "we're here to tell you about the lousiest mo-fos we've ever meant at conventions."  And if you recognize yourself as they describe mistakes people make at conventions (including such common and simple errors as not bathing - yes, the "got soap" motto can still be seen here, which means there are still folks who haven't learned), well, you might get offended.

Of course, the truly colorful stories are a bit on the extreme side.  As well as "Hentai-a-Go-Go," WTB occasionally runs a yaoi panel as well.  *This* one *really* brings out the wackos.  Most memorable is a girl who showed up: "Ooh!  Yaoi!  Wanna see something cool?"  Undeterred by a "no" response, she pulls down her pants to reveal a tattoo pointing down her backside "Bakara was here."  Oh, my.  The experience taught them a rule they offer to anyone else considering putting on a yaoi panel: "*Never* ask for input from the audience."

I should point out at this juncture that WTB is mostly female (come on, they run yaoi panels), with one guy.  It's at this point that he offers advice to the males in the audience: if you attend a yaoi panel, don't try to pretend you're gay to attract women.  It simply won't work.

Finally, the whole WTB group offers an assertion that "your OTP (one true pairing) *sucks*."  Yaoi fans evidently gets really hung up on how guy X just *has* to hook up with guy Y, and unholy fiery death on the unfortunate who dares suggest otherwise.  Worst of all are the Gundam Wing fans - "it's just not canon, dammit!" hollers one panellist - to which the audience agrees vehemently.  GW fans, you are on notice - you piss people off.

Not that standard hentai fans are gonna get off (uh...) scott free.  Granted, the sole male panellist admits to not having any horror stories - he usually makes a point to be quite drunk for the panel.  The one story that sticks out has to do with a time when they mentioned Google Image Search as a "shortcut to porn."  After the panel, a guy who identified himself as a staffer at the con took then to task about the reference:  "I don't appreciate your endorsement of pirated images."  Is it na�ve of me to assume that a corporate entity like Google wouldn't want the aggravation of a copyright infringement lawsuit?

Other hentai panel incidents usually involved folks that didn't belong there - in reality, folks actually attending the panel are generally well-behaved, all things considering.  Apparantly, there was one time when Johnny Yong Bosch - Vash the Stampede himself - inadvertently walked in... and bailed in short order when he realized where he was.

Something I didn't know about Johnny: he's part of a band called Eyeshine (I think - my notes are a bit scribbled).  It's a Christian rock band, though... hence the bug-out from the hentai panel.

[On the other hand, I'm convinced you can be a Christian and enjoy hentai; hey, if you're married, you should be able to enjoy sex, so why not?  Who gave us the ability to enjoy stuff like that, anyway?  It's kinda ungrateful of us not to, when you come down to it.

But I digress.]

While the panel is reasonably respectful of Johnny, they seem to have issues with evangelical Christians in general.  Much of this stems from OhayoCon04, where the convention shared hotel space with a Christian conference.  Considering the outsider view of otakudom, and vice versa, I can see where this is going.  The WTB crew are annoyed by the efforts to convert them, and just as amused when they sell several of the Christian girls "I (heart) Yaoi" buttons - even *after* explaining, in roundabout ways, what yaoi is.

Perhaps they've done their job for me at this point, but I find it odd as they laugh at the girls' hypocrisy.  After all, they use the "Parents' Guide" as a foot in the door to do the raunchier stuff.  No one's immune.

But now they move onto more general complaints; problems that range outside of their panels.  An artist who complains that their work is dissed simply because it's the anime version of a character rather than the manga version.  That does seem harsh, but I would like to know if the person criticizing the work is the one who paid for it.  I mean, come on, the whole crux of a convention is the fact that otaku are obsessed about anime and manga - this sort of attention to detail shouldn't come as any surprise.

Hygiene is, of course, addressed.  Like I said, the fact that ACen's motto is *still* "got soap?" means that somebody hasn't gotten the message yet.  According to WTB, there are a *lot* of somebodys yet.  We don't *really* need to go into details, do we?

What's equally amazing, they add, is how otaku seem to abandon all sense of decorum at a convention.  I mean, what kind of pick-up line *is* this: "You're cute... can I lick you?"  You do that against someone's will, you *do* realize that's esentially rape, don'tcha?  Look, it's true that we are all anime fans here - of one persuasion or another - so there's a certain level of camraderie here, but we are not gonna be best friends overnight, and you better believe we are *not* lovers - except for those of us that came here as such.

***

At this point, the panel moves into a second phase, which they call "WTF? The Game."  I'd like to tell you about it - well, maybe I've told you enough already - but it's midnight.  Time for Midnight Madness.

The nice thing about their setting up this second phase is that we can cut out without mockery... it isn't as if we're walking out on them, after all.  Well, we are, but for a different reason than being offended.

Because if we got offended easily, Midnight Madness would be no easier to take than WTB:WTF? - as we walk in, we get our firszt glimpse of Seriously Overrated Studios' (also known as Stupidly Complicated Studios) "Fisting the North Star."  I know it was shown last year, but we skipped out on Anime Hell and, as a result, missed the world premiere.  At least they have the decency (?) to replay it this year as well.

As I understand it, the premise behind this was that Fist of the North Star simply took itself to seriously, and just needed to be made fun of.  SOS does their level best, turning it into a mock yaoi love story, with characters such as Ken's martial arts sensei Master Baitor, and Ken's arch rival Biggus Dickus (well, why *not* include a Monty Python reference).  Oddly enough, it seems that the battle is not martial artistry (even the gory deaths that are FotNS's trademark are written off as an epidemic of the Ebola virus) - it's a Pok�mon card duel.  Apparantly, even then, there's a fair amount of collateral damage.

Every year has a debut parody, and this year is no exception.  NoNDE Productions, those folks who came out with "This is Otakudom" and few years back, have finally come out with a new parody.  Back in the days of TiO, I carried on a correspondance with producer Scott Melzer, and he mentioned having a concept in the works on the order of 'Kentucky Fried Movie' or 'Amazon Women on the Moon.'  

The result is "S.T.E.A.M.," a title vaguely reminiscent of 'The Man From U.N.C.L.E.:' two spy teams, W.A.T.E.R. and H.E.A.T. (I forget what any of these acronyms stand for - I simply canNOT take notes in the dark) join forces to create S.T.E.A.M.... and as anyone who recalls the original TiO (or Ninja High School, the ultimate source of the line), "the world will be saved by S.T.E.A.M."  But in between, the show is laced with all manner of weird commercials of the sort you might see on late night TV.  A recurring theme is the takeoff on the Girls Gone Wild video series - Bishoujo Gone Wild starts it off, but by the time it gets to Mecha Gone Wild, it's ridiculously funny.  Talk about your love machines...

The Madness wraps up with the inevitable screening of "Evangelion ReDeath ReDux."  And most of the full house - two thousand strong - seems to still be here, judging from the rythmic clapping to the "It's Gendo" theme.  Considering I've only seen Sokodei's "Fanboy Bebop" once, and "Nescaflown�" maybe twice, I'm forced to agree with Kihl Lorenz' Bob Dole: "Man, I'm gettin' sick of his theme song."  But it's sort of a tradition here at ACen, and we respect it by staying for the length of it, despite the fact that Konatsu seems to be on the verge of falling asleep.

High time, too... it's past two a.m.  Essentially, it's already...

-- 2006.05.06 SATURDAY --

...and we need to get up before nine, as we've had to arrange a certain hour in which to have breakfast.  It's included with the room, but we have to choose one of three hours in which to take our meal when we check in.  It's a bit more discipline than we'd ordinarily care for on a weekend, but it's not like we're strangers to the subject.

While it's difficult to wake up after only a little more than five hours of sleep, I'm amazed to realize I've no back pain from the hotel bed.  That in itself is pretty impressive, if you ask me (especially considering Thursday morning on our *own* bed).  At the same time, I *am* still footsore - between two-plus hours in the dealers' room, and several round trips between the Embassy and the Hyatt, it's not entirely unexpected.  The one problem with this is that, while a long hot shower is great for working out the kinks in one's back, it doesn't really do anything for one's feet - in fact, since you have to stay on your feet to shower, it really just makes things a little worse.  But what can ya do?

Other than deal with it, get dressed, and head downstairs for breakfast, that is.

***

Considering that it's 8:30am, I'm surprised at how crowded the line for breakfast is.  After all, it isn't as if there's any programming taking place for at least another hour.  Who needs to wake up so early, really?

Except to avoid having to pay for a morning meal elsewhere, that is.  Good a reason as any, I suppose.  

And it's certainly a step up from even the business class at the Hyatt; here, it's not just the continental portion, but the whole buffet.  Nice.

***

I mentioned that there isn't any programming to speak of this early in the morning; we also notice that one of Konatsu's favorite live programming staples, the anime game shows, are completely missing.  If I recall correctly, Greggo, the host of those productions, comes from the Atlanta area, so it may have been somewhat inconvenient.  Still, Greggo, if you're reading this, we're missing you, man.

There *is* what I presume to be a game show entitled "Win Ryan Gavigan's Anime," which if it included his parodies, I might well be interested in (as that's what's truly rare about his collection).  Trouble is, it takes place during the cosplay, and I have to say, after last year, I caught an earful from a few of you (you know who you are) for ditching it for the parody panel.  And this year, I don't even have the excuse of the poor scheduling of the fanfic panel.

Another thing that's missing seems to be the Iron Guest competition.  Of course, Piro's gone head-to-head against Bruce Lewis at a previous convention, and I don't know what other matchups there might be.  Considering Carl Horn's assertion that manga artists are still required to work while they're at a convention, I doubt their editors would allow Junko Mizuno and Tomoko Tanaguchi to compete in one of these things.

***

There aren't enough tables for every pair to have their own, but the tables are large enough that, assuming whoever's there already is willing, you can join them and still have room to spare.  So, that's essentially what we do: we join several other otaku at a table, and are subsequently joined by John-sempai and later, Paul Corrigan, who's also staying here at the Embassy.

As if to pick up on the proposed first topic at this afternoon's panel, the discussion centers on Rumiko Takahashi.  I believe it's Paul that asserts that the long series she's best known for, such as Ranma and Urusei Yatsura, were more or less to pay the bills.  UY, in particular, was done when she was a starving artist, and she did her level best to milk it as long as possible.  It's undeniable that she's made milking a series an art form.  Also undeniable is that she's no longer a starving artist; she's supposedly the richest woman in Japan.

What I find curious is the suggestion that UY is essentially a self-insert.  So which character is Rumiko?  Lum?  All things considered, it makes one wonder if she had some kind of really lousy experience with a man way back in the late seventies or early eighties, to saddle her avatar with such a good-for-nothing as Ataru Moroboshi.  For that matter, there are very few truly admirable male characters in those two series - even Ran-chan himself is deeply flawed, and he's probably the best of a very bad lot.

Of course, with her present money and power, it's amusing to speculate, however irreverently, about Rumiko-megami-sensei taking in a young manga artist as a boy-toy.

***

John-sempai talks about Rule Number One of cosplay: he'd like to give it a try, but there aren't many bearded, bespectacled anime characters out there.  In fact, aside from Paul (and I don't know if he wears contacts), everyone at our table uses some form of corrective eyewear.  Of course, guys still make passes at girls who wear glasses in Japan (depending on the girl's frame, of course), but guys are kinda out in the cold.  And beards?  Yeah, that's kind of a gaijin thing, ain't it?  Daisuke Jigen comes to mind, but as with Gendo Ikari, John-sempai doesn't want to part with his moustache in order to play him.

I'm sure I've missed a lot of the breakfast discussion.  As always, when I'm actively participating in the goings-on - and I have to eat, too, y'know - it prevents me from being able to write.  John-sempai suggests I invest in a voice recognition program to do the writing for me, but I'd have to train it, I suppose, which precludes it from taking down what other people are saying around me.  Besides, Konatsu watches a lot of television on closed-caption, and is fully aware of how painfully inaccurate those things can be.  Bottom line, it'd be a waste of money and time.

***

Someone from a nearby table who's clearly *not* here for the con realizes that we *are*: "Oh, you're some of them."  Anyone have any idea how to take that?

Other than ignoring it, that is...

***

Besides, we've got places to be by now.  Saturday and Sunday both have a showing of something entitled 'Whose Line is it Anime?' and you just *know* I've gotta be there.  Again, it isn't likely to be like the improv show they put together at AnimeIowa - even this early in the morning, there's gonna be a lot more audience, and there's no *way* they can get everyone who wants to be up onstage to make a fool of themselves.

And it's true, there aren't *that* many volunteers called up, but there are a fair number (and they get Japanese candy for their efforts, as if there wasn't incentive enough to get onstage!).  Basically, it's done like the long-running TV show, with a host (who seems to be wearing Pimp Ash's hat - "I'm tyring to be sexy," he explains.  Today's experiment.... failed) and three regulars... with a volunteer called up for each game (usually female, as the regulars are all male) to fill in the fourth player slot.

The festivities kick off with World's Worst.  The host is nonplussed at the first card he draws out of his pimp hat: world's worst anime fan; "I didn't know there *was* such a thing."  Obviously, he hadn't been to WTB last night.  The guys take their whacks at it: the Grim Reaper is stopped in his tracks as he attempt to collect a soul ("Is that Chobits?  I *love* this show!"), and a hellfire-and-brimstone preacher takes as his text a few verses from the book of Naruto.  That must be in the Apocrypha...

Naruto actually leads to the next round, the world's worst ninja techniques, including a slap fight, a spearing head butt (effective, but hardly stealthy), tickling, and the ever-popular kick to the 'nads - complete with slo-mo instant replay.  As Greg Proops would say: "I don't care what series you're from - that's gotta hurt!"

For the world's worst summons, the guys at least have the decency to refrain from using "I choose you!" as their magical catchphrase.  However, calling Harry Potter proves ineffectual, summoning the 'chair' is taken literally, and Captain Planet merely comes forth to deliver a eco-sermon.

The kamikaze pilots wind up taking to their mechanics each time: "Hey, why don't we just use missiles?" (the mechanics beat him up)  "Uh...guys... I don't think I have enough gas to get back to base..."

The world's worst Gendo Ikari?  You mean the canon version isn't bad enough?  Well, how about having him assuming the pose... and falling asleep?  Or summoning Rei... and telling her, "I need you... to take off your pants" (The volunteer *almost* obliges)?  Or maybe casting Triple-H (or some other big-name wrestler - hey, I don't keep up with this sort of stuff) as Gendo, challenging all the Angels to try to take him on - if they have the guts?

Time for another game, and to give a couple more volunteers a chance.  This time, two come up to play Ani-Mannequin: basically, the one regular who's *not* playing explains it to the audience members that it's like Moving People: "You want to move his arm, touch his elbow here.  Move his leg, touch his knee, there.  And if you wanna take him home, just touch him there."  Come on, you can figure out what he's indicating.

In any case, I forget what anime characters they're supposed to be, only that they're trying to break out of prison.  One guy drops his drill, and in an effort to retrieve it, is bent nearly backward.  Somebody give that man some points!  Oh, wait...

Next up is Living Scenery, "or as we like to call it, 'sweet revenge.'"  Pity they aren't getting even with the same volunteers, then.  The host warns any female would-be volunteers that "this game is not skirt-friendly."  So who gets picked?  A girl in a skirt (and a relatively short guy, but given the warning, that's not such a remarkable choice).  She assures the performers that she is wearing something underneath, which you'd think would be a given.  Evidently, she's not afraid of giving the audience plently of fanservice.

Both the volunteers get whipped around quite a bit, as the guys pretend to be KaleidoStage performers preparing for the circus.  The fellow does duty as a unicycle and a squirting flower (although he doesn't actually spit on the performer - at least, I can't prove it from *my* vantage point, which is reasonably good), while the girl proves she's wearing something underneath her skirt as she is tossed like a baton, and then serves as a trapeze, with *both* of the performers hanging onto her.  As the host buzzes the routine out, one of them grins, "It's a good thing we stopped - we were gonna start on the trampoline next."

The next game is one I've never seen before, although they claim to have stolen the concept from Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood.  It's called 'Interrogation,' and players Ben and Joe explain as their collegue Nathan is escorted out of the room (by a female volunteer, of course - do you realize that there was a time when being a female at an anime convention, you were outnumbered maybe 20 to 1?  Nowadays, there almost seem to be enough of us to go 'round).  Nathan is to be grilled about a crime he committed, but we know three things about the event that he doesn't: what he was wearing, where he was, and what he did.

Well, we don't know these things *yet* - we have to decide on them first.  And deciding's half the fun.  A number of clothing options are suggested - I favor a battle bikini, personally - but there's no arguing with a 'Yatta!' Green Leaf (for those of you who don't recognize the term, I recommend Googling for it; I assure you, it takes cold-blooded nerve to wear).  From there, the audience settles on a theme, deciding that the leaf fell off (leaving - ahem - us with a charge of indecent exposure) at - Kami-sama help us - a yaoi convention.

We're supposed to let Nathan know if his guesses are accurate, but sometimes we're laughing too hard to clap (Joe, playing the 'bad cop' role, tells Nathan that his outfit was utterly offensive, "And who, who, who, who did it offend?  Us! Us! Us! Us!"  Again, if you know the song, I think you'll get it).  At another juncture, Joe makes as if to throw a cup of water in Nathan's face for an unsatisfactory answer - only there's actually water in the cup, and he accidentally dashes it Nathan.  It's enough to make him drop the 'bad cop' routine, and Ben has to take over.

Party Quirks is a bit ill-starred from the start.  First off, when Ben picks out a fellow to come onstage, another guy in the same general direction thinks Ben is singling *him* out and comes forward as well.  Okay, so there's twice the guessing power, supposedly.  Then, the computer that's supposed to display the regulars' quirks onscreen malfunctions, and they have to retype in it Word.  Which is okay, except for the fact that the computer knows when they misspell something... and with that angry red underline, so do the rest of us in the audience.  Oh, well.

Having two people guessing actually poses a problem for Nathan, who's supposed to be the host's shadow.  He nearly wears himself out following both of the volunteers alternately, but they figure it out before he completely collapses.  Joe's schtick is that he uses expansive gestures as he talks, but quite frankly, he's completely overshadowed by Ben, who's supposed to be romantically involved with every one of the girls in the audience.  He spots one, wades into the crowd, then another, and another....  He actually gets slapped by one of them, presumably for cheating on her.  By the time he makes his way back to the stage, he's accompanied by a gaggle of girls (including the one who slapped him, who finds the cup of water that was trown in Nathan's face earlier and attempts to douse Ben in turn).  Most of the other girls apparantly can be mollified when the host throws handfuls of candy into the audience (and specifically to them).

The final game is supposed to be Sound Effects, and they duly recruit two last victims - er, sorry, volunteers - to work the mikes for them.  But they're going to add a twist to the game; they're going to play the scene blindfolded ("what? no blindfolds?  Fine, we'll do it with our eyes closed, then..."), barefoot (well, without shoes, anyway), and in a section of the stage covered with over a hundred mousetraps.  As they set up the traps, they talk about the fun of actually *buying* a gross of mousetraps; the cashier's reaction was on the order of "I don't even want to *know* what you need all of these for."  Their response would have been worthy of Bill Engvall: "Aw, the neighbors' kids won't stay out of our yard."

I have no idea what the scene is supposed to be.  For that matter, I don't think the volunteers are doing anything in the way of actual sound effects.  All you can hear are the traps snapping as the performers keep making missteps (not that there's any room in the cordoned-off section that they're working in for them to *avoid* the traps).  Nathan, in particular, tries to shake off a trap caught on his sock, and winds up setting off about seven others as he hops about.  Say what you will, these guys are more than willing to suffer for their art.

***

And that's it for this morning's matinee.  So we make our way back to the hotel lobby, as we try to decide what to do next (there's an hour or so to kill before the fanfiction panel starts).  And who should we run into but Jeanne Hedge, who once again thanks us for opening our room for last night's party.  No need to thank us, sugar... we enjoyed doing it, believe me.  Our only regret was really that it didn't last longer (and that there wasn't a little more room, or a few more chairs, but that was beyond our control).

She also fills us in about registration - as of last night, over eight thousand people had registered for the convention.  To be honest, this sounds a little disappointing; we were of the understanding that there would be at least twelve thousand here this weekend.  She does point out that there are still two more days, but perhaps I simply can't understand why someone would a) miss out on a whole day of the festivities, and b) wait until the last minute to register.  But she assures me that this is the case, for a lot of people - the walk-ins for the next couple of days will bring the number up to where we expect it to be.

Also in the lobby, by the elevators, we run into Doc, playing something called NintenDogs.  Given Konatsu and Dan-chan's love for things canine, it looks like we're going to have to get one of these sometime pretty soon.  It's not quite the Sims, but for a handheld game device, it's pretty impressive.

***

We also spot people we don't know, like a couple where the girl is in costume (don't know what, sorry - must be from Final Fantasy), and the guy is carrying her backback.  Her purple backpack.  With a 'Hello Kitty' design on it.  Now there's a fellow who really cares, if he's willing to tote something like that around.  Either that, or he's pretty confident in his masculinity (granted, having a girlfriend would probably do that in and of itself).

***

For the moment, we've exhausted our arsenal in our efforts to kill time, so we decide to try and actually *find* the room the panel's supposed to be held in.  As it so happens, we're not the first ones there.  There is a guy sitting there who appears to be on staff, but maybe he's here for the panel - in any case, he's sufficiently familar with the world of fanfiction that he actually knows me (which puts me at a bit of a disadvantage, when you think about it)  There is also a girl named Kate, who goes by the pen name Ryo Hoshi is there.  She'd been at last night's dinner, but I may have attributed some of her quotes to someone else.  If so, I apologize, Ryo-chan.

Her mother is also there - perhaps she is the one who had to be talked into watching Vampire Hunter D, if I recall.  However, now that she *has* been talked into watching, she has become an enthusiastic otaku herself.  Unlike the staffer, she's not only not familiar with me, she isn't acquainted with the Ranmaverse at all, so I have to explain who Konatsu and I are to anime.  What's that saying about "if you have to explain what you are, you ain't"?

Actually, her otakudom extends to more highbrow pursuits, as well, as she holds forth on Akira Kurosawa (particularly "Roshomon" - she is particularly proud of her daughter for wanting to watch it at the age of 12), Alfred Hitchcock and Ingmar Bergman.  Actually, it's part of her trade - she teaches film studies at... oh dear, was it a high school or college?

No matter, it's time for the panel to start, and we're stil talking as we file in.  A girl walks in wearing a shirt bearing the legend "I read more fanfiction than you," which Ryo-chan begs to differ with.  Come to think of it, so might I, especially after having recently read through all that's available of the AMG novel "Trial By Tenderness."  Somehow, I doubt Cevn will ever finish that one, any more than Daniel Jess Gibson will complete "Sic Semper Morituri," or Scotts Jamison and Johnson will even continue with "Ma Vie et Roses."

Of course, I'm not one to talk about unfinished work, but I could argue that their work is far superior to mine.

***

We begin, as always, with the introductions; not everyone can be expected to know the panellists on sight, or even by reputation.  Jeanne Hedge is, of course, moderating, but she also mentions her work in Bubblegum Crisis to etablish her credentials.  Pearson "Doc" Mui, while recently retired from the 'Anime Detective' series, nevertheless has a fair number of things he's working on on his own; we'll hear one of them later on.  Bert Van Vliet writes exclusively in the original - "the only," he emphasizes - BGC universe, particularly with his long-running SI novel "Bubblegum Zone."  Paul Corrigan lists the series he's worked in - Utena, KareKano, MariMite - and seems just slightly surprised at the fact that they're all shoujo series.  Gary Kleppe, while *not* moderating today, has that to his credit (or discredit, if you've ever been tempbanned by him  ^_~), as well as the Ranma fanfiction he's done - and in the case of "Hearts and Minds," still doing, trust him on this.

At Jeanne's invitation to the audience that "this panel is whatever you want it to be," there is a whisper of 'yaoi' from behind Konatsu and me.  In front of us, a girl waves a "yuri" paddle, in response, to which Gary cracks, "Better Yuri than Kei."

(Uh, Gar'?  There's a short-haired redhead at the door waiting for you, sugar... and she looks pissed.)

At the same time, someone informs Bert that there's a girl going around dressed as Priss Asigiri, complete with hardsuit.  Will have to watch for that.

But now, it's about fics.  And our first question is... how some fandoms fade out when the series ends, and whether the panellists stick with their favorite fandoms, or move on.  Really, it kinda saves Gary the trouble of bringing up the 'eternal Ranma' issue, both in terms of there not being a lull at the beginning and in terms of topic.  Nevertheless, he fields the question personally, ensuring us that he still has quite the backlog of Ranma fics - as does fandom as a whole.  Paul probably proves to be the lone dissenter on the panel, as he focuses on fleshing out characters and moving on once there is "nothing more I can add;" he suggests that certain fandoms do get saturated to that critical mass.  Bert, of course, favors the classic anime - the new series are nice enough, but they aren't particularly compelling, so why switch to them in terms of writing?  Doc claims to write whatever he feels like working with, but insists he doesn't jump fandoms.  No, he mixes them
 all up together - and since so many of them are in the one same city, why not?  Jeanne mentions that certain series leave themselves more open to possibilities than others - Ranma and Maison Ikkoku are probably the best examples of the opposite ends of the spectrum.  Gary brings it full circle by suggesting that fanfic writers can cause a cascade effect, inspiring each other to write about a given series.

How about completing a fic; do you put it out in installments, or wait until it's full and complete?  Jeanne recommends the latter, as there's too much already out there that's been incomplete for literally years (and probably will never be finished).  Gary offers a different thought - if C&C offers better suggestions as to where to go from after chapter one, why not take the better path?  Having worked on the same series for years (indeed, volume 11 has been in production for over a year in and of itself), Bert will occasionally post previews of his next installment, "to keep the mobs with pitchforks at bay."

Crossovers is always an interesting topic.  Some things work, as Bert mentions BGC and Silent Moebius, or even Predator.  Others *might* work, like Ranma... but there it gets dicey.  Combining two different worlds always requires an additional stretch of disbelief beyond that of each world in and of itself - the trick is knowing where disbelief snaps, and stopping just short of that.  Doc agrees, "There's only so much milage you can get out of dimensional travel."  Of course, Paul points out, it depends on what you're trying for in your fic: comedy can be played so much faster and looser than a serious drama, while Gary insists, seriously, you have to make it plausible.  The thing is, each universe has its rules; you have to make sure you know the rules of each universe you're crossing, and abide by them.

Someone offers the view that even an unfinished fic is better than no fic at all, to which Gary responds that "you obviously haven't read Mike Rhea."  Can't argue with him on that point.

Should fics be character-based or plot-based?  The panel is in agreement that there isn't a right or wrong answer to this: it's all matter of what you want to accomplish with your story.  Granted, sometimes the series itself dictates the answer to that question.  And, of course, there is the whole "Plot? What Plot?" approach that has generally become synonymous with 'lemons,' although the code name (or the real one, for that matter) for erotica doesn't come up.  Eventually, there is a slight teeter towards a more character-driven story, if only because a character sketch can stand without a plot, but a plot without interesting characters falls flat.  In the end, you have to care - and make your audience care - about the characters, you've done a good job.

The panel is asked about the level of planning they put into their work; is everything planned out in advance, or is it made up as you go along?  Jeanne is the only one who admits to the latter, and "that's why I'm stuck on one of my fics."  As a general rule, most of the panel has a skeletal framework upon which they flesh out the details.  How *much* of a skeleton depends on the individual panellist.  Bert is willing to take a Part 1 and Part 2 and shoving a Part 1.5 in between if it improves the story overall, while Gary warns of changing one's mind midway into a story, and basically having to start afresh.  Doc's basic plot is the ultimate in threadbare: "the good guys win, everything else is literary duct tape."

What about the 'sacred cows' of a given fandom - the 'third rails' either no fanfic writer should touch, or keep away from?  Jeanne talks about characters that become fans' favorite punching bags; to illustrate her point she refers to Gundam Wing's "Relena and..." and the audience starts in.  I have no idea how awful this Ms. Peacecraft is, but what could she have done to merit such instant ire?  Paul talks about poking fun at a fanon pairing (although he doesn't identify the pair that I can recall), while Gary mentions his annoyance at the whole concept of "St. Ukyou."

[Should I take a moment and try to defend myself here?  I'd like to think I'm not a major perpetrator of this belief (granted, I used to give Gary a hard time about his "Justice" spamfic, but what girl appreciates being called a dog, now, really?), but then, in *my* world, I've moved on from Ranchan, haven't I?  Most of the 'sainted' versions of me still have me pursuing him, after all - and that I'd be the ideal choice for him.  Well, I'm not, and I wasn't, and I can live with that... now.]

Dealing with flames?  All together, now: "Ignore 'em."  Gary does suggest checking to see if the flame has a point, but that seems a rather broad definition; at that point, it's just fairly harsh C&C.  Bert considers that he does have an obligation to his own fanbase, but he goes through his emails; if the grammar is subpar, it gets summarily deleted.  Jeanne may, on occasion, reply with a 'thanks for your comments.'  At this point, Ryo-chan talks about replying with 'thanks for your useless C&C,' which seems to me to be just asking for more flames.

As for writers' block, Gary likens it to heart surgery: you gotta work through it, you can't tell the patient "I'm sorry, I can't help you, I'm just not inspired right now."  Well, you can... but like the patient, you gotta know it's gonna die.  For his part, Bert works through it by writing sections of his fic far in advance of where he's presently writing; it "keeps the juices flowing."  It also runs the risk of not being able to connect to the current fic, but it's a risk he's willing to take.

Fanon really gets the panel going.  Gary mentions my sainted alter ego again - "Read the source material," he instructs would-be fanficcers - before holding up an example of an extreme non-canon Ranma, from "Ill Met By Starlight:" you can vary from the text, given a good reason.  Of course, certain incidental aspects of fanon, such as the traditional name of Mrs. Tendo (Kimiko), he considers harmless - if the story calls for her to have a name, it's as good a one as any.  Bert and Jeanne discuss an aspect of BGC fanon - specifically, the idea that Sylia Stingray is a boomer, without emotions to speak of.  Again, there's the question of whether it's a reasonable jump in logic - certainly, it makes more sense than having her behead Mackie for peeping (Doc: although it would be justified on her part).  Doc considers himself no great fan of fanon - as a general rule, there's enough source material to cover what the would-be writer needs.

The next question is what one would object to as 'leading the witness:'  "How much do you hate Mary Sues?"  The fact of the matter is, everyone has been in there own fics, either as a self-insertion, or by taking on the role of one (or more) of the characters as an avatar.  Bert, in particular, has to address this (as he puts it, "mea culpa maxima," although I don't know what his Nissan has to do with anything):  especially in the case of an author-created character, the fact is that the series is about the characters that already exist in the world.  If 'you' outshine them, if 'you' solve all their problems, then you are doing it all wrong.  An avatar must be human rather than omnipotent, gradually easing himself or herself into the story.  "Don't take out GENON in one go."

A long-suffering fan in the back of the room is finally tapped for his question: what if you have a scene all planned out, but it completely contradicts canon?  Again, the key here is plausibility; there needs to be a reason for the change from the way things are supposed to be, and the change can't simply go unnoticed by the other characters.  Jeanne points out that this is, after all, one of the things about writing fiction, that you can twist reality.  Gary urges the fan just to be consistent; so you've created rules that are different from the original manga or anime, just stick to the rules you've created, then.

Back to author-created characters; essentially, the key is to make them interesting.  Give them backstory, offers Bert, while Gary reminds us not to have the ACC fix everything.  Too often, a new character serves as mere wish fulfillment for the author, and while the author may be having fun writing that, who's really gonna enjoy reading it?  Someone who's always right gets annoying reeeeally fast.

Jeanne offers a story as an example - only she can't remember the name of the piece - of a well-written Mary Sue concept, of a girl who lands in one anime universe after another.  She knows what's gonna happen next each time - but the interesting part is that, she doesn't want to be there when it happens (which would make sense, for example, in Evangelion), and is just trying to get home (rather like Quantum Leap).  It occurs to me, this is essentially Abenobashi Mahou Shotengai in a nutshell.

The next question is about something called RPS, and the questioner has to explain the acronym to the panel.  Essentially, it's Real Person Slash (Paul: "Sounds like a good way to get sued.")  Needless to say, it's not something the panellists have worked with - or care to, for that matter.

Good dialogue is important, and the panel offers various means of making dialogue work.  Jeanne reads her work aloud after writing it, to get a better feel for how it sounds.  One has to keep in mind, of course, that certain characters will use different syntax; contractions are a good example (imagine Rei Ayanami using them, for instance).  Bert hears the dialogue in his head before he writes it, although he has a problem with thick accents.  Accents are a bit of a problem for Doc, as well - fudging the spelling of certain words can only get you so far.  Paul offers up policemen as examples of how people talk differently from one place to another:  you can't imagine Sherrif Lobo saying "What's all this, then?" but it would be considered perfectly normal for a London constable.

A complete change of topic: fanboy Japanese.  Some concepts, such as honorifics, really don't have an English language counterpart, but for the most part, the rule is to use Japanese as sparingly as possible.  Gratuitous use of Japanese throughout a fic "is not cool," Gary insists.  Bert suggests that if you must use copious amounts of Japanese, to put a glossary of terms at the end of the fic, so that your readers will understand what you've been saying.  Keep in mind, some may quit before getting that far.

On the subject of editors, or beta readers or whatever you want to call them, the panel generally agrees that they are a Good Thing.  Bert speaks of reading his own work, and seeing "what I expected, not what I actually typed," leaving Jeanne to find the errors in spelling, grammar (although with word processing programs the way they are, these shouldn't really be issues anymore)  characterization, and logic.  A pre-reader will keep you from being blinded by your own productivity (not that *I* have that problem).

This naturally leads into the subject of how to *be* a pre-reader.  And as an aside, I recommend it, especially if you can read for a good author - you get to see the story before anyone else gets a crack at it, and you may have a hand in where the story goes next.  Here, the key is to be reasonable - as long as you, the reader, and he or she, the writer, can be civil about certain points of contention in the fic, all will be well.

Actually, the truly difficult part about pre-readers is keeping them.  Pre-readers have a certain duty to reply in a prompt manner, just as authors have their own set schedule for turning out a fic.  Maintaining the rapport is important.  At the same time, author and pre-reader have to understand the the story *is* the author's at the end of the day; any advice given may be ignored at the author's discretion (or, if you're a pre-reader yourself, 'peril').  At this point, Ryo-chan raises an issue about pre-readers who want something different from what she's writing; a dark mystery that they want bringht and cheerful.  Sounds like what we have here is a failure to communicate; if they want bringht and cheerful, this isn't the fic for them to review.

The panel are asked about certain genres they prefer to work with.  Several votes go to science fiction.  Gary, while not specifying sci-fi, simply boils it down to "stuff you can't do in real life:" crossovers, alternate universes... he hasn't done lemons yet, though.  Paul pleads guilty to having done lemons, but basically he works in character-driven series and stories - it's why his ouevre is shoujo, really.

Spinoffs and sequels, and how to deal with them, are the next issue - what do you do with a different continuity, or a canon that changes course on you?  "Don't write Tenchi," advises Jeanne, to some applause.  Bert suggests calling a fic an alternate universe and just running with it, while others suggest a note stating *which* continuity you're using (just make it a *short* note)

Anime and manga are one source of inspiration for fanfiction, obviously... how about style?  What sorts of things do authors *read*?  Several votes go to Terry Pratchett (again, some applause), while Bert adds Jim Butcher and David Eddings to the list.  Jeanne mentions Barb Tuchmann and Mercedes Lackey - and makes a familiar reference to a story entitled "Bimbos of the Death Sun."  Paul is the highbrow in the bunch, citing James Joyce (who, I should mention, he once compared to Koshi Rikudo - or would it be Nabeshin? - in his magnum opus "Ulysses:" basically, each chapter is done in a different style, like Excel Saga) and Phillip Roth, asserting that "the worst [fanfic] writers only read manga, and only watch anime."  Gary is the omnivore of the lot; he admits to being willing to pick up anything and read it.  Not that he'll necessarily see it through: he found himself disappointed by the latest Kurt Vonnegut novel, and set it down in favor of his old classics.

Jeanne calls on another member of the audience in the back.  Unfortunately, it turns out that it's just their hair sticking up, not their hand.

This gives me a chance to slip in a question - are there any series that are just impossible to write for?  Personally, I'd like to see (hell, I'd like to *write*) Jungle wa Itsumo Hale Nochi Guu fanfics, but that requires understanding the character of Guu (what makes her tick, what makes her go cuckoo every half hour, that sort of thing), and the anime is really no help.  Silent Moebius is surprisingly devoid of fanfics ("there are so many places to play," Jeanne muses in some wonder), as is exDriver.  Bert offers that many series have just the opposite problem, that of having too *much* written.  Along that line, Gary would like to see more and less InuYasha - there are too many internal monologues, too much romance, and not enough actual exploration of the IY world.

As we come to the close of the panel, each member is asked to talk about their most recent work.  Doc still has some Anime Detective side stories he's created, while Bert insists that BGZ11 is still in progress (just as it was in 2005 and 2004).  While not presently working on a fic at the moment, Jeanne is occupied moderating the rec.arts.anime.creative boards.  Paul has his "Mountain Lily Girls" (sorry, Paul, I'm not gonna try it in French), while Gary has a 2-week old at the moment - "Hearts and Minds" and "I Dream of Ranma" are out there, but when he gets the chance to work on 'em.  Good luck, sugar... I've been there.

One last thing, though... Doc has a short reading for us, focusing on Sadako, that unholy terror-girl from "The Ring."  Let's just say she emerges from the wrong television set and leave it at that.  You'll have to check with Pearson Mui for the rest of the story; you'll like it, it's fun.

***

While we file out of the room, most of the panel clusters off to the side - out of the way of traffic - and does a bit of a post mortem.  It's a little unusual, but evaluation is the best way to improve in future, after all.  Hey, I was impressed that everybody managed to refrain from bashing fanfiction.net... or anything else, for that matter.  Even Mary Sues got more of a measured 'how to do them right' rather than the outright vitriol some in the audience seemed to be expecting.  Best of all (well, except for my wrist), there really were no lags in the conversation to speak of.

It's at this juncture that Konatsu skibbles off - there's a panel on Sudoku elsewhere downstairs, and as a big fan of the puzzle game, my kunoichi wants to know more.  Frankly, I dunno what 'Natsu-chan could get out of a 'how-to' course: a chance to teach it, maybe?  Meanwhile, I find myself chatting with Tony - a friend from so many previous ACens whose shown up for the panel - Doc, and Paul.  Doc talks about his recent retirement from Eyrie Productions, but not much - there's only so much that he cares to let go 'on the record.'  I suppose it's what is referred to in the media industry as 'creative differences.'

For my part, I ask Paul about a scene that Sei makes in his most recent fic: a torrent of swear words doesn't seem as potent on the page sometimes - especially given that they're in another language.  Truth to tell, I'm half-daring him to re-enact Sei's mock tirade, but he doesn't take the bait - which is probably just as well, if not quite as funny.

Paul and Doc get as far as the skyway that takes one to the Artists' Alley (they have to check on their respective commisions, after all) before I realize that I've been tagging along with them up a flight of stairs and an elevator - and if Konatsu bails on the Sudoku panel, having known if all already, I won't be anywhere near the spot my kunoichi might expect to find me.  That said, I excuse myself to make sure Konatsu hasn't been wandering around in the basement level looking for me.

There's nobody by the door to where the fanfic panel took place (which was our previously arranged - if none-too-well thought out - meeting spot), and it's at this point I *might* start panicking about how my kunoichi could be *anywhere* (you can tell I really didn't expect much of that Sudoku panel).  But there *is* the panel, after all.  Really, it's the only *logical* alternative.

So I head over there, poke my head in... and there 'Natsu-chan is, just a row away from the door.  Seeing me, and the fact that the door is open, my kunoichi grabs the papers that have been passed out, and ducks out.  Apparantly, up until the point I showed up, the lecturer had been going over the history of Sudoku - which was new information to both of us (Turns out, it was invented by an American, and popularized in Australian and New Zealand newspapers before landing in Japan and getting the name we all know it by.  And that name, by the way, is merely an acronym for a much longer three-word mouthful that presumably translates to "number-solving puzzle" or some such).  They were just about to get into the mechanics of solving a puzzle when I arrived, which is something my kunoichi knows cold.  Given that, and given that the lecturer's style was, how shall I put it when I wasn't actually *there*, dry - I beleive I recall a comparison to Ben Stein, if that rings any bells
 with y'all - it's almost like I *rescued* my kunoichi from that panel.

Almost.

***

Back at the hotel, we're midly surprised to find John-sempai there, watching Smallville.  No, the surprise isn't so much that he's here - he's sharing the room with us, so he has every right to be here - as much as the fact he could be doing one thing or another at the con, even in one of the video rooms for that matter.  Granted, this doesn't occur to me while I'm in the room - I can be as hypnotized by what I refer to as "the enchanted box," and now it falls to Konatsu to rescue *me* from the television... and drag me off to the pool.

My kunoichi *does* love to swim.

Once again, while we do encounter a pair of girls returning to their room from a dip, the pool area is completely empty.  At least, for a few minutes; by the time we've set our stuff down and are ready to jump in, a pair of guys show up.  On the other hand, they're fully dressed, so I dunno what to make of it.  Shortly thereafter, by a different door than the one we use to get in, a girl in an orange (Stellvia?) costume appears - for all I know, she's waiting to meet the guys.

For the moment, though, we head to the sauna, where we can hear the sound of the whirlpool being switched on - although it's not so much that the walls are that this as the whirlpool is just that loud.  That pretty much cinches it - we are not alone.  Well, no harm in that; there's a whole hotel full of people that are as entitled to use the pool as we are.  It's just... a surprise, that's all.

And it isn't like there's a way to be sociable, either: between the loud noise of the whirlpool and the high tiled ceiling, this place is an acoustic nightmare.  Actually *talking* is out of the question.

But we stick around for a good half-hour, getting a fair amount of rest and refreshment.  Certainly more than you would standing around in the cosplay line for two hours.

***

And by the time we join up with the line, I'm willing to wager some folks have been in line that long.  Meanwhile, we've had a swim, a short nap, and a fair amount of leftover pizza for dinner (another reason not to be *too* profuse in your thanks, Jeanne - hosting everybody meant we had leftovers to keep us for the entire convention!).  Granted, we're actually eating as we hike the half-block between the Embassy and the Hyatt, but we manage to finish long before we actually find the end of the line.

And what a line - although we've seen as much or worse before, so it doesn't really faze us.  We're not quite in the shadow of the cylidrcal towers that landmark the Hyatt, but we can certainly see them from our vantage point.  In any case, we've been farther back in the past, so we've no fears about getting into the cosplay, regardless of the minimal time we've spent waiting to get in.

Behind us is a couple that are complaining about how the Hyatt ripped the convention off this year.  Granted, from what we've heard from other sources about metters such as the consuite, this so-called 'ripoff' may as easily have been pre-emptive damage charges.  The girl, in particular, is fuming about the fact that the convention signed this year's contract without having it reviewed by a lawyer other than the hotel's, so of *course* they'd get the short end of the stick.  You'd think that of all the otaku here, there might be a few of us in the legal profession who might be willing and able to review the contract as their volunteer contribution to the convention.

Would that be giving lawyers or otaku too much credit, though?

For the most part, though, the two of them are content to discuss their multi-user RPG server.  Apparantly, she causes a lot of fellow users a great deal of surprise when they discover she's a female in real life.  And in turn, she can generally peg most of the female characters online as belonging to 14-year-old boys (and on top of it, they tend to be shocked when she outs them correctly).  The fact is, boys have no clue how to comport themselves as female.  At all.  To be fair, I'd argue that most 14-year-old boys hardly know how to comport themselves as human beings.

But that's probably being a little uncivil, and rather insulting to Dan-chan, who's only a year or so away from that point himself.

The fellow makes what I'd consider to be a rather odd assertion for an otaku: "Anime was *made* for MST3K."  In part, it comes from a discussion about the late lamented show, and at least one good movie - or rather, *bad* movie, but good MST-fodder - that they didn't take on, "Night of the Lepus."  But now he's besically implying that anime in general is bad enough to deserve this kind of treatment?  As an example, he offers Rad or Die, which is a fairly good title, if you ask me.  At the same time, Joel Robison and friends would have fun pointing out that Yomiko won't jump from a building to save a friend and co-worker (which is perfectly sensible, if a bit cold, given her abilities), but if a *book* falls from the roof, you can bet she'll follow it over.

I dunno... I think that's just the comic essense of Ms. Readman's character, not a case of poor writing or plotting.  Megane-san, what do *you* think?

***

For now, however, the line is moving, and once we're in, we head quickly over to the far left side of the room.  The door we enter through is on the far right, and most people file straight ahead to find their seats.  This means there's a fair number of reasonably good spots still available, as long as you're willing to walk across the room.  Heck, if we want to, we could actually get *front*row* seats, but that would set us so far off to the side as to preclude us from actually seeing the stage - all we'd see is a big black speaker (and I'm not talking about Dave - or is it Isaac?).  We settle for a trio of chairs ten rows back or so, but near to the first aisle...

...so that Konatsu can head off to the washroom as close to starting time as possible.  Upon returning, my kunoichi finds Paul Corrigan, trying to get in.  While Konatsu is allowed in (having gotten in earlier), Paul is turned away, despite the fact that we have the additional chair, and inform the staffer at the door as much.  Evidently, the crowd inside is at fire code capacity, and it doesn't matter if the *can* cram a few more people inside, the point is, they aren't legally allowed to.

It turns out to be a poor way to say goodbye, as we don't see Paul again for the rest of the convention.

***

Our host for the cosplay comes out, and... it's Gendo.

Actually, no.  He's just a staffer with the proper beard (and attire) for the NERV commander.  He enlists the crowd's help in testing the sound.  First, let's see just how quiet we can be... as people, we do fine, but you can hear someone's cell phone going off somewhere in the middle of the crowd (to which Gendo calls out: "Can you hear me now?" of course).  Quiet having been tested, they need to check for feedback: "Okay, now... go nuts!"  And we all do - I shriek until I start coughing, at which point I let everybody else do the work.  Hey, they're doing fine without me.

*Now* the hosts come out.  Dave audibly wonders whay he does this every year, before going on to answer his own question:  "This one moment with all you guys that makes it worth it.  Without you, and you, and you," I'm hoping already that he doesn't try to single out *everyone* in the crowd, "there would be no ACen, no masquerade.  And that'd be so sad... you don't wanna see me cry."  Bad move on his part.  Of course this crowd does, now that it's been made to consider the image.  Sick puppies, aren't we?  So he obliges as best he can, given the current circumstances; it takes him a few minutes to work himself into a proper Stanislavskian state, but he puts on a real over-the-top crying jag for our benefit.

Then, absurdly, he stops, just like that... which is almost as funny as the crying itself.

His co-host, Isaac, now steps onstage.  "How's everybody doing?"  As with Mike McFarland, he's not satisfied with the first response, and has us try again; at least the second time is a charm.  Turns out, he's just warming our voices up: he informs us that his wife (who is in the green room with the cosplayers) is celebrating a birthday on Monday.  So he has us sing 'Happy Birthday' to her... but for the life of me, I can't recall the name that follows "Happy birthday, dear _______"

Anyway, let the proceedings begin to commence.  Our judges for this evening include Jayson Clarkson for the fans, who is himself dressed up as...?  I'm not sure who exactly, but it's pretty clear it's supposed to be a girl.  Also in costume (still?) is Frank Sanchez, all, erm, Kitted out (it's got to be warm in that outfit, no?) for his role as the staff representative.  Finally - and she asked to be a judge, and how could they refuse? - the guest judge is Tomoko Tanaguchi, who is *not* in costume, but *does* have a birthday coming up *tomorrow*.  So, hey, what's one more some before the show gets rolling?  Happy Birthday, Tomoko-chan.

***

Okay, now we can begin.  Dave and Isaac take their customary seats at a table far upstage... until they realize their microphones don't work.  Dave leaves to get a replacement for himself, while 'Gendo' brings a mike for Isaac, so he can at least start introducing the walk-on contestants (and as always, you'll have to forgive me for being rather short with each individual, and possibly getting names wrong - I'm not given a lot of time, or lighting, for that matter):

Xxxholic has only been running for a few episodes (at least, judging from the fansubs I see on Animesuki), but it's enough time for our leadoff contestant, who's dressed as Yuuko Wantaki.  Scrapped Princess' Pacifica strikes a pose, prompting Isaac to comment that "I know it's a good series, I just haven't seen it yet," impying that he'd better get on with it soon.  Lee Sheran from Tsubasa Reservoir leaps onstage, followed by a heavily-armed customized Gundam, for which the crowd goes absolutely nuts.

Neo-Queen Serenity strides out dramatically, while a Chii in her Tyrol costume is carrying a three- to four-feet tall mannequin of herself.  The next walk on is the computerized idol singer Sharon Apple: basically a computer server wearing a gown.  Isaac finds her rather amusing; "I'm sorry, Dave, but I have a date with a pop star."

Okuna Takiko (from Fushigi Yuugi) is followed by a Final Fantasy Phoenix with elaborate wings that actually flex.  Bleach's Kiraku & Shiseiya cross the stage, as do Rosa and Ridio(?) from Final Fantasy 4.  Next up is an elegantly costumed Deedlit, and then another Tsubasa Reservoir (Isaac refers to the series as "Kingdom Hearts for CLAMP fans") character, Fidi Flora (I hope I'm getting this right - occasionally, I've been asking the folks to my left if they heard more than I've caught; thank heavens they're reasonably patient - and I don't pester them *too* often)

Tera from Final Fantasy 6 brandishes a very long sword, while Clover's Sulu sports an elaborate set of wings that Alexander Calder might find impressive.  Haku (from Naruto) and Rodgers (from Breath of Fire 2) are followed by Gankutsuou's Heidi, who wins the hosts' admiration if only for being able to walk in those 3-inch-plus heels.  Yukari Hayusaki from Paradise Kiss (another relatively recent anime) is followed by a character from an older series, the Final Colossus from Shadowed Colossus (or maybe it's the other way around?).  As with certain mecha costumes that look metallic, this one actually looks like an anthropomorphic cairn of stones (and is unwieldy enough to require an escort across the stage); most impressive.

It's at this point that Dave returns: "I had to take care of a thing with a guy."  Rule Number One for hosts: either don't explain stuff like this at all, or be more specific with your explanations.  Judging from the audience reaction to this one, they're just naturally getting the wrong idea about this one.  At least he's got a functional microphone, so we can *hear* him chewing on his foot.

Xian Hua of Soul Caliber 2 swings her double sword and strikes a pose, while Gung-ho Gun Gazelle the Peacemaker wheels out a prop that unfolds to become a 6-foot replica of the bad guy's mighty Colt.  Dave actually asks to borrow the gun for when he returns to his home on the South Side of Chicago, and I just bet it might intimidate a few people down there.  Even more so if the darn thing actually *worked* - but you can't have *that* at a con, after all.

You can't beat techo-wings and a pleated skirt, and SaiKano's Chiise has them both.  And since we've had a Gung-ho Gun onstage, in the interests of fairness we *have* to have a Vash... the twist is, it's a girl dressed as the Humanoid Typhoon, and the audience eats it up.  And to counter *that* little bit of crossdressing, we have a guy dressed as Guilty Gear's Bridget - of course, the character apparantly *is* a guy dressed as a nun, with this killer yoyo (which he actually spins out and retrieves onstage, by the way).  Compared to that HunterXHunter's Leoreo seems rather straightforward.

The casts of Final Fantasy 7 and Kingdom Heart mix it up and chase each other on and off the stage, after which Soul Caliber 3's Tira poses with a very large and impressive ring weapon.  A Totoro crosses the stage, to great applause - the earth spirit seems to have lost some weight recently, but he's always a fan favorite.  Nami from One Piece emerges in kimono and parasol, while Fate/Stay Night's Archer strikes me as positively Utenaesque.  The Queen of All the Cosmos is serenaded by the audience (unfortunately, she seems to be from a video game I don't recognize and don't manage to get down.  Obviously, I'm in the minority here for not recognizing Her Majesty), while Tiny Snow Fairy Sugar is described by our hosts as "the cutest thing on the planet."

I hope Bert's here at the cosplay, because there's Priss, completely decked out in hardsuit, right down to those impossible boots.  A Princess Peach and another character from Xxxholic are followed by Momo from Xenosaga, sporting a very cool bow. 

I suppose it was inevitable, but the next group are Edward Elric, Roy Mustang and Risa Hawkeye from Full Metal Alchemist.  Hildegard Valerton from Shadow Hearts does a *very* sultry walk across the stage, prompting Isaac to mutter that "my wife will kill me."  Hey, she doesn't need to know - she's still in the green room, right?  Roxxis from Kingdom Hearts 3 causes the hosts to wonder if the dealers' room sells keys.

Sakura from Naruto is followed by the Nabeshin we saw yesterday morning, complete with the guns in his Afro.  The hosts are thoroughly impressed (I believe the phrase used was on the order of "mad propz for that").  Clintz from Magna Carta shows lots of hip in her costume, while Vincent V and Project G strike a pose.  Big points for originality go to a cosplayer dressed as Link... the 8-bit version, only forty pixels high.

A machine-based Digimon (I smudge the name, sorry) has trouble getting up the stairs without articulated kneecaps.  He actually falls to his knees, and has to be helped up, but once he's onstage, the audience roars in approval.  But the response is even more impressive for the next entrant, dressed as the great ShishiKamisama from Mononoke Hime.  The detail in the God of the Forest is even more impressive up close, with a tangle of leaves, and even a butterfly among the vast antler rack she sports.  It causes me to completely miss the next entrants' costume, save that he's bare-chested.  I *would* notice that, wouldn't I?

A blast from the past, Hikaru Shidou from Rayearth spins around with her sword, while Ai Sato is described by our hosts as "so badass, his sword doesn't even need a point."  The idea of a character being 'badass' somehow encourages the audience to shout "Fight! Fight! Fight!"  Well, it's different from "Dance!" but by how much, really?

They aren't getting a fight from Fatal Fury's Terry Bogard, nor Integra Helsing, who stalks across the stage while chomping on a cigar.  Tamari and Tenten from Naruto do their thing, and a character from One Piece actually rides a duck across the stage (look, it's part of the costume, nature lovers).  Sora(?) from Kingdom Hearts is succeeded by a trio from Yugioh.  Naruto's Sasuke takes his turn, and Digiko wraps up the walkon cosplay with a cute curtsey.

***

On to the skit portion of the cosplay, and the masquerade director brings out an oversized croquet mallet for Dave and Isaac.  I don't know if it's supposed to serve the purpose of the vaudeville theatre hook, or what, but let's move right along.

The cast of Yugioh comes out, done up in the style of Ancient Egypt.  They're gonna dance for us, and you get one guess as to which song they dance (or rather, walk) to.  For a Bangles tune, it's reasonably well choreographed.

Our next sketch is entitled Grand Theft Anime, and it's amazingly hard to follow.  Speed Racer comes out first, but it's not Speed driving the Mach 5, it's... Gendo (cue that theme, why don't you).  Some large, Godzillesque monster stomps out from the other side of the stage, swipes the Mach 5, and leaves Gendo with a copy of Prince's 1999 album (all together now, "oh, baby.")  Gendo pops the disc into a handy boom box, which turns out to be... a Transformer!  And he's not gonna let Gendo get away with this!  Just then, Godzilla shows up again, only now he's driving a yellow Volkswagon instead of the Mach 5.  He rips his hood off to reveal... Daisuke Jigen: "Get in Lupin!"  Now the *Transformer* doffs *his* costume, and it's Lupin III, who jumps into the car, and he and Jigen drive off, chortling about how they've stolen something so obviously valuable from Gendo.

Rafael from Soul Caliber 2 does a flamenco worthy of Antonio Banderas.

The OtaQueens perform what they modestly refer to as "ACen - The Skit."  Four characters from the Legend of Mana sing, in Gilbert & Sullivan style, about how they "thoroughly enjoy the Cosplay Life."  While one insists she "doesn't do funny," certainly the others do:  somewhere in there is a couplet about have a 'chest of wonder' and 'boobs of thunder,' and I find *myself* wondering how a girl can say such stuff onstage without blushing.  Of course, maybe they are; I know how pale stage lights can make a person's skin look.

The chosen Four from Saiyuki reach the end of their travels, and are left with the question: so what do we do now?  Well, isn't it obvious?  They have to form the best boy band ever!  But a fifth character wants in on the action, despite being reminded that he's supposed to be dead.

>From Red River Anatolia Story, Princess Yuri of the Hittites performs a dance entitled "The Seduction of War."  She starts off with a very middle-eastern harem-style belly dancing routine, and a remakable one at then.  All at once, she whips out a dagger, and the dance becomes almost frenzied, and rather liturgical in nature.  Quite impressive.

Our next sketch is brought to us by Pocky� and the letter F.  Alucard from Castlevania proposes to perform a magic trick, using Killard (? from InuYasha?) as his subject - he intends to make him burst into flame.  It doesn't work work out as spectacularly: Killard may be bursting into flame, but when it's on the inside... "This is what happens when you have too much Taco Bell," Alucard shrugs.

And now, the cosplayer's nightmare - running into someone dressed as the same character you are.  In this case, it's Himero from Pretear; only the two girls are in different forms, Ice and Water.  Eventually, they come to an understanding, and walk offstage buddy-buddy style.  Isaac entitles it "When Fangirls Bond."

Folks, it's my one and only glimpse of the mysterious Kasimei... and I still don't know which of those two she was.

The Naruto/Final Fantasy cosplay rivalry comes to a head, with an all-or-nothing fistfight between Moreno Hibiki and Rude.  First, though, they need to have the correct musical cue, as the soundboard guys seem to have goofed up a bit.  But once they get rolling, these two guys put on an impressive display of stage combat, culminating with the knockout... of each other.  As the characters pick themselves up and limp off, the hosts are compelled to offer a disclaimer: "Gawd, kids, don't try this at home."

And believe it or not, the next sketch manages to top them; Ruroni Kenshin and Samurai Champloo's Jin hold the Ultimate Showdown for the Ultimate Destiny.  Whether that's a nod to Utena or not, I dunno, but the two of them perform an amazing swordfight.  Granted, they have help; two 'ninjas' completely dressed in black are there to guide a thrown sword, to cause a character to jump in a superhuman fashion, and in general to provide certain Matrix-y effects.  But it works, and *how*.

Mario and Luigi knock back a few brews.  Seems Mario's been rejected by the princess, among other things.  Meanwhile, a princess does show up - except Anthy is with Utena already.  In any case, they're told by the proprietor, "I think you're in the wrong bar."  Meanwhile, Mario continues drowning his sorrows for a few more lines... until the Shounen Boy does a skate-by whipping.

"Donuts, the Circle of Love" is the title of the next piece, and I suppose you can guess who the star of *this* show will be.  Yup, it's Vash the Stampede, this time at an open-mike poetry slam.  He doesn't get far, though, before a girl shows up, holds him at gunpoint, and calls him "Dante."  Uh... I think you've got the wrong man; I mean, there's a lot of characters who wear a big red coat.  As if to prove the point, Alucard and Cloud put in appearances, and *really* confuse Lady.  So who's the real Dante?  She suddenly remembers that Dante has a coat that's open in front, and, not wishing to miss the chance with a lovely Lady, Stripper Vash complies.

>From the Full Metal Alchemist movie, Noa has the belly-dancing moves down cold for the Grand Bazaar scene.  Isaac is duly impressed: "Did I mention I love my job?"  But then he catches himself, for benefit of certain parties in the green room: "But I love my wife more."  Nice save, sugar... and it might just work, too.

And now... One Pound Gospel, the Musical.  I think Kusaku and Sister Angela are parodying certain other songs; I just wish I knew them, so I could get the joke.  The real punch line (sorry, can't resist) is when Kusaku asks her for a date if 'he' (and I'm using quotes here, because I'm pretty sure that's a girl playing the boxer as well as one playing the nun) wins his next fight.  Obviously, this doesn't sit well with the sister, who slugs him... and KOs him, in the bargain.

Prinny from Disgaea finds a box of Cheez-Its, and he and his mistress duel a pair of angels over it.  Wait, we saw this sketch last year in Iowa.

The opening narrative for the next sketch speaks of a guy escaping from the Organization.  Unfortunately, the Organization finds him; several MiB types start whaling on him.  And I mean several - if I'm not mistaken (and I sure could be - it's cosplay, after all), both Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy are after him.  But while they argue with each other, he *nearly* makes a break for it.  Dave concludes this *is* the South Side: first we got a drive-by (okay, a skate-by, but still), and now, a stone-cold beat down.

Ryoma from PowerStone is looking into a new career... as a pop singer.  But can they give him the right music?  After four tries, the audio turns into the Chobits opening theme, and he gives up in frustration.

And now, a public service announcement from the Prince of the Cosmos.  Apparantly, his daddy's in AA, leaving him to clean up the mess: a huge ball of stuff that includes Sailor Bubba and a perverted monk.

Link, Zelda and Gemendorf stride onstage and strike various poses (I don't *think* I can call it dancing) to the music.

May (and I really don't know what series she's from) is talking to a blow-up doll she calls "Mr. Dolphin" (well, it *is* a dolphin) about her efforts to impress and win Johnny's heart.  Clearly, you have to know the series to get the joke.

Finally, the Merchant from Resident Evil does a quick routine about what he's selling... only I don't find out what he's selling.  Ah, well.

***

While the judges head off to deliberate, the audience is still clamoring for a fight.  Dave suggests everyone go to the video rooms if they want to see something like that.  Personally, I think that those who want a fight so badly oughta just duke it out with each other.  But I'm forgetting another First Rule: Never talk about Fight Club.

For what it's worth, they show the trailer for the Full Metal Alchemist movie, and it seems to mollify the crowd a little bit.  Then, the winners from last night's DJ competition are brought out - and we're gonna have a taste of the Soap Bubble right now.

A taste of the Soap Bubble... ew.

Oh, they're talking about dance music.  That's different.  Never mind.

So, who's gonna actually get up and start dancing?  At first, most of us are either staying seated, or standing on their chairs.  Wait a tic... a line's forming onstage, and it works its way down and around, conga style, through each of the aisles in turn.  Give it a moment, and we'll grab on as it goes by.

We circle around the far left section, and get swept along with the crowd, to where we're standing right in front of the stage.  Well, no, not standing; the beat is strong enough that you really don't feel right unless you're moving.  Guys are breakdancing on stage, in fact, while Gendo does a turn with girls dressed as Rei, Utena and Anthy in quick succession.

One guy jumps down from the stage to collect his girlfriend, but is turned away as he tries to remount.  And no wonder; the stage is desperately crowded already.  So is the area in front of the stage - it isn't long before we're herded back from the edge of the stage, and I watch Konatsu disappear into the crowd with some alarm.

Thankfully, while my kunoichi has a talent for vanishing, Konatsu is (for me, at least) realtively predictable; we collect each other back at the chairs we had been sitting in throughout the cosplay.  And about time, too, as the judges emerge with their decisions.

***

We start off with the merit awards for craftsmanship, and for these, the judges are kind enough to offer descriptions and explanations for those who can't see the detail work that they're commending.  Haieh Rodgers is cited for the airbrushed body suit, while the judges are impressed by the Shadow Colossus' hand painted costume - and the low clearance between the bottom of the costume and the floor.  Paradise Kiss' Yukari Hayusaki wins for the excellent beading on the dress, while the trio from Full Metal Alchemist is praised for the attention to detail.  Gazelle the Peacemaker wins an award for an imaginative way of circumventing the 4-foot weapon rule, while the customized Gundam proves to have made incredible use of Mountain Dew cans for the cannons (Hey, Bert... can you do *that* with the Canadian version?)

Judges choice awards go to Deedlit ("I loved the shoulders"), Vincent Valentine ("the detail of the hands and boots were good, but the tattered cape was the clincher - he actually burned it in spots to acheive the effect") and Princess Yuri (an impressive performance by a first-time cosplayer), while the second place award goes to Yuuka from Xxxholic for the details in her frocks, furbelows and parasol (and once again, the audience is inexplicably yelling "Fight! Fight! Fight!"  Do they know something about Xxxholic that I don't?)

But the best in show, really without question, goes to ShishiKamisama, the God of the Forest.  Those antlers alone are just so remarkable.  And I've never seen this character *tried* before, and this gal pulled it off spledidly.

***

There are fewer performance awards, mostly because this is essentially limited to the skits (although they do offer a pair of awards to the walk-ons as well, in a moment).  Art student Jayson offers his judge's choice to the Colossus, while video game junkie (for whatever impact *that* has on his decision) Frank cites the Donut sketch.  Someone yells for Vash to "take it off," and he's once again nothing if not obliging.  Tomoko offers her award to the trio from the Zelda game.

Our walk-on winners are both craftsmanship winners as well - perhaps it adds a significant impact to their performance, after all, since it *is* just a walk on.  Gazelle the Peacemaker takes second place, while the God of the Forest once again wins best of show.  Unfortunately, she's already taken off her costume and left; someone's going to have to get her award to her later.

For the sketches, the Mario and Luigi "What is Love" routine receives second place honors, while best of show goes to... Kenshin and Jin, who haven't exactly quit fighting yet; Kenshin stabs Jin as they mount the stage, catching him as he falls... and giving him a kiss.

***

For all the writing I've done about it, the cosplay is over with relatively quickly - just after ten, as it so happens - and a good thing, too, as the parody panel (and a subsequent followup to last night's Midnight Madness) is about to start downstairs.  Still, it seems we needn't rush, as they're still setting up as we arrive, and a line has formed on both sides of the hall, waiting to get it and hear from Ryan and the others.

While the cosplay may be over, there's cosplayer aplenty still around.  A girl dressed as Tohru Honda is sitting across from me, reading a copy of the Fruits Basket manga - which strikes me as a particularly bizarre scene: "Oh, I can't wait to see what happens to me next!"  But the real star attraction are six guys walking around dressed in essentially nothing but those Yatta! green leaves.  Talk about your cold-blooded nerve.

***

Heading up tonight's panel are a fellow named "Poochie" (well, his real name is John, but he apparantly goes by "Poochie" from time to time) who's part of the group responsible for 'Fisting the North Star' (I can't give you the name because it seems to have changed several times since their last parody, "Bad Scottish Dubbing;" they've been know variously as G.R.A.A.C., Needlessly Complicated Studios, and Stupidly Complicated Studios.  Give one or more those a try on your search engine), and Ryan Gavigan, head of Anime Hell and Midnight Madness for ACen for the last eleventeen years.  He claims that his own most recent parody, ".cosp" is still in process, but at the moment sitting in "computer crash hell."  Presumably, this means we shouldn't be expecting it any time soon.

The panel isn't going to be getting quite as technical as they did last year (by which I presume they're referring to the part I ducked out on); Ryan has planned to put together a tech demo on AfterEffects, but the preparations for the AnimeHell and Madness screenings proved to be a bit overwhelming.  That's life.

But they do offer a few tips on how they do it.  Adobe Premiere is recommended for being easy and cheap, while Poochie mentions having used AfterEffects' particle separator for the Reba West segment from FtNS.  But as the questions come in, it's clear the ideas are what interest this audience more than the actual 'how-tos:' someone asks where the ideas for the mock Pok�mon cards came from, and Poochie replies that the entire story of 'Fisting' had to do with Pok�mon cards... and it was pretty much a group effort from there.

You must have a lot of time on your hands to put something like this together, ne?  Not really, is the response... that's why parodies take so long to put together in the first place. 

As for voice 'talent,' roping in actors is as easy as calling friends up and just asking, "Hey, d'ya wanna be in an anime parody?"  Thing is, in some cases, you don't really want them to see the script beforehand - I mean, come *on*... who wants to admit to playing the part of "Biggus Dickus?"  And recording the voices isn't exactly a sophisticated process, either: granted, for FtNS, they borrowed microphones from a place that one of the group was working at at the time, but they still had no sound booth.  You can still hear refrigerator noises in the background, in some cases.

Then comes a question that has long since been banned from fanfiction panels: what in heaven's name got you into this?  Poochie names the usual classics - Pinesalad's Dirty Pair parodies, Seishun Shitemasu (particularly Ranma 1/3) - and the epiphany that "hey, we could do this!"  And "Bad Scottish Dubbing" was very much like those older creations, in that they ran an episode more or less straight through and added different dialogue to it.

Ryan, on the other hand, was *part* of that original wave - his Magnum Opus Productions work predate most of Cko's work, as a comparison - but found himself reinspired by the parody renaissance brought about by Studio Sokodei (he actually describes the late '90s as "a bit of a wasteland" in terms of parodies, Fast Food Freedom Fighters aside).  While 'Jubei Powers' was something of a clinker - hey, it was Andrew Hosking's first attempt - ReDeath kicked the whole concept of parody up a notch.  Then came "This is Otakudom," and both our panellists were floored.  For every scene in TiO, producer Scott Melzer found the perfect shot.  Meanwhile, Poochie admits his group was just looking for *any* shot that would work.  Sure, there's a lot of footage to be found for Fist of the North Star, but were we gonna go sifting through 155 episodes?  I don't think so.

Fast Food Freedom Fighters is mentioned again - despite its surfacing during the parody drought - as being ahead of its time.  The truly impressive thing about it is that you don't have to actually be watching the show in order to laugh; sure, there are visual jokes (including a few subtitling in-jokes), and other spots where the lines are meant to mesh with - and poke fun at - what's happening onscreen, but by and large, the writing is good enough to stand on its own.  Would that we fanfic writers could pull that off so well.

How does one decide how long to make a parody?  Of course, the old method was just to go for the length of an episode - no more, no less.  With the computerized editing capabilities within reach of anybody these days, its simply a matter of how long your script is.  And it's agreed that a good parody needs a good script first; footage comes later, regardless of how difficult it may be to find just the right scene.  FtNS was originally written to clock in at fifteen minutes, and grew to twice that length; Nescaflown�, similarly, grew from a twenty-minute script to nearly a hour-length feature.  The question eventually becomes one of what to keep and what to throw away.  At that point, it becomes prudent to acquire thet parody equivalent of beta readers: FtNS was first shown at a convention when it was approximately 80% finished, just to guage audience reaction to certain bits, and the show as a whole.

Now for the inevitable question: how d'ya get copies?  Ryan "can neither confirm nor deny" that copies are available for any parodies out there.  "It's a whole grey world," as far as copyrights and fair use and all that goes.  Ironically, the parodists have more difficulties with music than with anime: most anime companies are made up of otaku themselves, after all, and seem to be of the 'any publicity is good publicity' attitude toward the whole matter - just don't rock the boat *too* much.  With music, well, I don't have to tell many of you about the four-letter word that is the RIAA - haven't heard much about subpoenas lately, but they've certainly made their point that they aren't big believers in 'fair use.'  Of course, there's always the BGM from other anime that can be brought in: Poochie declares that Ranma� has backgroud music to pretty much fit any situation.

As a result, most parodists are getting more and more gunshy about distribution.  Besides, they seem to be more concerned about making the next parody than making sure the previous ones get out there.  And then of course, there's the argument that watching a parody ought to be an event, reserved for conventions (although Ryan mentions about how AnimeExpo has pretty much spurned the Midnight Madness concept in favor of their late-night dances, so that's all of Southern California out in the cold).  And there are only so many parodies being turned out - Ryan claims that there are but five known active groups (and I wonder who they are.  Himself and Poochie's crowd, of couse, and Sokodei and NoNDE... but who's the fifth?).  One parody debuting every year is almost as fast as can be expected, while between the two Madnesses, ACen shows a lot of the classics (but not all, as I've complained in the past - it's simply not possible).  Essentially, the best way to get your hands on
 these parodies?  Start making one of your own, Ryan recommends.  Presumably, you can get pointers from the veterans as well as examples of their work, too.

***

And now, on to those examples.  It has been decided that Fast Food Freedom Fighters will be the second item on tonight's double feature (and, perhaps proving Sokodei's point, we already make plans to leave before it is screened, as we have our own copy of it.  In our defense, though, I should point out that this won't be until well after 1am - and we have to get up before 8 again, you know), but which of the Sokodei features to kick the Madness off with tonight?  Ryan asks if someone has a die - and this being a group of otaku, someone does - but settles for a deck of cards to decide whether to show Nescaflown� or Fanboy Bebop.  I've only seen FBBB once, so I'd like it to be that, but I'm not in luck tonight.  Ah, well... Nescaflown� is a very well written, very funny show in its own right...

...you know, it occurs to me.  I can live without being allowed to get my hands on a copy of the Nescaflown� (or Fanboy Bebop) parodies themselves.  I could just as easily settle for a copy of the script.  I wonder if they'd be willing to provide *that*...

...and on that note, both of us find ourselves nodding off during the show.  While I catch the beginning and the end (and most of what I consider the good bits), I know I miss Operation Hot Yaoi Action, as well as the explanation of Khan Seannery's fiendish plan to control the plot holes.  I've got to get back to the room and get to sleep.

***

But once we do get home, Konatsu's in no real mood to call it a night (it's brisk and cold outside; more than enough to wake one up, and no mistake).  So we chill out by watching a few more AMVs...

...which turns out to be just as well, as John-sempai returns shortly after we do, and he's not in the best of moods.  Having been shut out of the masquerade, and unable to find a room party (although I wonder what he *has* been doing until one in the morning) or anyone he recognizes, he's clearly beginning to sour on AnimeCentral.

It *is* difficult to create a buzz here; people occasionally pass by our room, but no one stops to take a look at what's going on, despite the fact that we have our door propped wide open (which makes Konatsu nervous about how soon the hotel staff may get on our case about that).  Can't get a party started for anything - not that we ever posted any invites anywhere that they could be seen - or even that such a message center existed this year, for that matter.  Of course, what we're doing is pretty impromptu, and late-night: we consider it a success when we've run enough comedy AMVs to reasonably cheer John-sempai up.  Equally successful is that fact that Konatsu-chan is starting to nod off - even considering we're playing the "Yatta!" video.  Time to go to bed.

[Going to bed reminds my of another thing that went by the boards this weekend; along with a portable hard drive chock full of AMVs, I had another drive with a large number of anime fansubs, including a fair number of hentai series.  But with us sharing a room, that turned out to be pretty impractical.  Oh, well]

-- 2006.05.07 SUNDAY --

There is a general sense that we've missed out on a lot of things this weekend - really, it's not like anyone can be everywhere and everywhen, though.  Still, we covered most of what we would consider important (and, my dear readers, if you have other things you consider more important, I apologize... but you'll need to go for yourself and write your own report on those things.  I've already driven one of our esteemed fanfic panellists mad in his efforts to put one of these together, so I have it on good authority that these aren't as easy as they look):  the fanfic panel, the cosplay, twice to Midnight Madness, and with luck, this morning we'll get to our third anime improv show (Whose Line is it Anime is on this morning as well as yesterday; same time, same stage)

***

Over breakfast, we discuss possible concepts for parodies, or maybe anime music videos.  Those of you who do AMVs, feel free to steal these ideas and put something together (just let me know when you *have*, okay?); I'd like to see these constructed, and to be honest, I can't imagine us doing them ourselves (we know next to nothing about putting together an AMV):

- You'd think *someone* would have done the opening credits to "Animal House" to Fruits Basket by now...
- Then again, the sheer incongruity of matching a few segments from the movie to Haibane Renmei could be funny - Kana could do the "Did you say...'It's over?!'" rant about Kuu's disaappearance, and you can imagine the ramifications of a 'Toga party' (although it might have been done better to SKUtena already).
- Now that we've picked up so many KaleidoStar DVDs, perhaps we could do something to Randy Stonehill's "Baby Hates Clowns"?  Yeah, I know none of y'all have ever heard of it.  It's funny, that's all you need to know.
- Speaking of funny songs, while there are tons of Weird Al videos, and the occasional Tom Lehrer song is used (Flying Frog Studios has done an incredible job on someone's cover of 'Masochism Tango,' for a prime example), there is nothing out there by Spike Jones.  To be sure, the recording quality leaves something to be desired (live shows in the 40s and 50s, what can you expect?), but it's classic humor.  Certainly, his ironic version of "People Wil Say We're In Love" has plenty of video that would go with it.
- Of course, there's the 'Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From Anime' genre, or perhaps 'Stuff My Mother Told Me' (keeping in mind how often ACen falls on Mothers' Day weekend, why not?)  One could start with Asuka's star turn in EoE to illustrate how 'it's always fun until someone loses an eye,' and move on to Elfen Lied to extend that out to 'or an arm, or a leg, or... well, you get the idea.'  And given the number of fanservice series there are out there, one should have no trouble finding footage to the motherly admonition 'always have clean underwear; you never know when you'll be in an accident.'

***

Paul does not join us this morning at breakfast, but another group does, talking about the interviews they've done throughout the weekend.  Interviews?  That's right, they're doing a documentary on anime culture.  They aren't the first folks we've encountered who've done something like this - I recall a couple of guys with a heavy weekend-news style camera interviewing folks waiting in the cosplay line back at OhayoCon 2001 - but they certainly seem to be the most thorough, with a multi-camera setup in their room here at the Embassy.  They even dot the i's and cross the t's from a legal perspective, as we have to sign a waiver before allowing ourselves to be interviewed.

While they've talked to a number of different otaku this weekend (including, per their our records, Paul - they express admiration both for his knowledge and his gift of gab), Konatsu and I appear to be the first husband-and-wife interview they've done.  It's kind of amusing; as they continue to make adjustments to their equipment, I'm taking notes about what they're doing.  It's like taking a picture of someone taking a picture of you.

The interview lasts well over a half hour, but only manages to touch on the most basic of subjects - how we got into anime, what our opinions of Japanese versus American anime are, is anime here to stay, subs versus dubs (yeah, that old chestnut!  You'd think DVDs would lay that one to rest) and what not.  After answering their stock list of questions, we're given two minutes to add something if we feel like.  There are a lot of topics we could touch on - our little generation gap with Dan-chan, realms of fandom such as fanfiction, reconciling religion and anime - but most of them would take too long to discuss.  And in any case, they aren't the first thing that pops into our heads.  What we manage to do in that limited amount of time is to explain 'hentai:' what it is, how it's colored the Western perspective on anime, and how it can be used judiciously.  I've said it before, that *good* hentai should leave one saying "Mm, I'd like some of that," which ties in nicely with
 our husband-and-wife relationship, after all.

***

Just as well that it wraps up as quickly as it does, as we've got to make it back again for Whose Line.  

When we arrive, the place is more like Gilligan's Island: no lights, no sound, no Jumbotron, it's primitive as can be.  But the regulars gamely get started, and if you sit close enough to the front, you can follow along pretty well.

They start off, as before, with Scenes From a Hat: what'll happen once InuYasha is complete?  "I love you, Kagome!"

How about having Wolfwood as your confessor?  "What should I do, Father?" "Hm, I dunno... why not go out and get drunk?"; "Bless me Father, for I have sinned." "Hah!  You think *you've* sinned!?"; "Bless me, Father..."  "Okay, now, tell me all about it... *slowly*."

When giant robots attack New York: you get a taxi driver yelling at Eva-01 to f*@$ off - "next week on the Sopranos."

Along the lines of Evangelion, how about discarded Eva movie titles?  "How To Milk A Series in Six Easy Steps," "This Time, The *Real* Ending" (which gets a lot of applause), ..."Rahxephon."

Moving away from the anime theme for a moment, we have things that make the host uncomfortable: telling him to stand up (he refuses, as he claims to not be wearing pants), Joe kisses him hard enough to knock him out of his chair, while Ben points to the audience and asks "isn't that the girl you told me was so hot yesterday?"

Of course, the regulars get their turn, too: what do they wish for on their birthdays?  "Please, let the points matter!"  "Mmm... cake!"  "I hope that hot girl in the front row notices me." And finally, from Nathan: "I hope someone splashes Joe with water this time."

The next Scene is 'Backstage at the Con.'  And it's complete and utter panic, as the entire cast runs pell-mell back and forth across the stage.  The volunteer actually misses the ramp and nearly falls off.  Meanwhile the audience is actually chanting for a new game.  That *never* happens on TV - not to Scenes From a Hat.

And the cast seems to either be oblivious to the chant, or decides to ignore it, as they pick another one: How InuYasha ends?  Didn't we do this one already?  Well, not *this*... "We've finally completed the crystal!" and he drops it, smashing it into pieces.

Anyone for the Secret Life of Chiyo-chan?  The volunteer (who is, after all, the lone female onstage) gets a workout here, as she takes the part of Chiyo for: a satanic murder of Ben, a mob hit girl in the style of "Mezzo Forte" or "Kite" (try *that* for a crossover, DB!), and a vampire.  And of course, there's the old standard: "Oh, Kimura-sensei... do you want to go back to my place?"

Finally, the audience gets its wish: they start a new game.  Party Quirks invloves Joe as Ranma, Nathan as a klepto and Ben ("Why do I always get the elaborate setups?) is broke and looking to float a loan, but keeps losing his memory everytime a bell rings.  And yes, that includes the doorbell.  So Ben's panicked "Aah!  What am I doing here?!  How did I get here?!" gets progressively funnier as each of the other contestants enter.  Meanwhile, Nathan wades out into the audience, taking all sorts of stuff from people.  By the time the game ends and he returns to the stage, he's well-laden with all kinds of swag, including several jackets, a yaoi paddle, and a bottle of orange juice.  The latter, he is loudly informed, he can keep: "It's got cooties."  And we've just added another item to the list of things that make the host uncomfortable.

Ben doesn't particularly care for the next game - Two-Line Vocabulary - either, and stuck as he is in the Colin Mochrie role, I don't blame him.  Supposedly set in Disgaea, he's trying to give his evil minions a pep talk before going out to conquer the world, but the two-liners quickly take over the dialogue, making him more like Il Palazzo than anything else.  And he doesn't even have the advantage of a pull cord to get the other two to stop, not even when they switch phrases midway.

For Dubbing, they bring up a volunteer dressed (I believe) as Helsing's Victoria Ceras, complete with fangs.  Pity the scene isn't anything having to do with vampires; however there is a certain military aspect to it.  Problem is, when you're scribbling notes, you miss out on watching 'Victoria' try to mime and lip-synch the words the cast is trying to put into her mouth, so whatever I'm writing is more than normally indecipherable.  It is cute, though, when they're done, and she 'kisses' Ben with her fangs.  As a reward, they admit that there is no blood-flavored Pocky for her, but she's fine with strawberry: red is red, apparantly.

The last game is called, creatively enough, Whose Line, and our host dispenses handfuls of suggested lines to the cast (and yet another female volunteer) as they set the scene: a coach of a losing Blitzball (anyone familiar with the game?  Not that it really matters) team trying to give his squad a pep talk.  Somehow, I can't see "I have a squiddley pooch" as being particularly inspiring.  Give the audience credit for some very strange lines here and there - "Who pooped on the ceiling?" is followed shortly by "This ceiling is a death trap," for example - but after throwing away the fourth copy of "all your base are belong to us," the cast is getting a little frustrated.  They probably should have just stopped when the volunteer offered up the truly ironic line "I'm gonna go polish my sword," but it's not as if they were playing If Ya Know What I Mean.  She does eventually get in the last licks, though, with an equally suggestive wrap-up: "Yaoi is good, especially when you
 have wood."  Of course, she could have used that paddle Nathan stole earlier...

***

Check-out is officially at noon, and I'm pretty sure we're not gonna make it; we have less than an hour to pack everything up and get out.  What's worse, *everyone* is doing pretty much the same thing at the same time, which means getting a cart is impossible, and hailing an elevator almost as bad.  Which is ironic, because without a cart, we pretty much *have* to make two trips to the car.

For what it's worth, I turn in *my* key as we get back from Whose Line, so that the hotel will have record of us checking out on time.  And no worries about getting into the room: John-sempai is still there, getting the last of *his* stuff together.  So we've effectively got both ends covered.  Still, we don't want to overstay our welcome.

And for the most part, we manage, with plenty of help from my sempai, who helps us carry the last of our stuff.  He also pays us for allowing him to stay in the room, and offers a present that he picked up in the dealers' room: a bag with bear-pyjama Lain stitched onto it.  Cute!  He also offers his email and phone information, in case we ever want to watch anime together - just contact him and invite him over.  Given that he lives in south suburban Broadview, I can't say as it's a terribly likely propect, though...

***

We take one last turn around Artists' Alley and the Dealers' Room: if nothing else, we haven't found anything for Dan-chan yet.  Konatsu is once again handing out Pocky and other Japanese sweets to the folks at the various booths, all of whom are grateful, and most of whom are mildly surprised.  I'm kind of disappointed that there aren't any artists creating plushies this year - or maybe they've long since packed up and called it a weekend.  As far as that going, we're lugging Daddy-cat around (he hasn't gotten much exercise this weekend; we figured it was time to let him see and be seen), and we get as many people asking *what* he is as gushing over him.  Evidently Azumanga is so ten minutes ago...

Time's running out on us, and we're getting just a little desperate.  Shopping for ourselves is easy enough, but non-otaku Dan-chan is something else.  He does like Trigun - and cats - so when we spot a shirt reading "I (heart) Kuroneko," we're almost tempted, but between the shape of the torso and the pink lettering, it's quite obviously a woman's shirt; it'd fit him (maybe) but we'd be pretty cruel parents to make him go around in it, especially when you consider what junior high school students are like and what they'd say to a boy wearing a girl's shirt.  We eventually spot a pillow in the shape of Kuroneko's head; it's not perfect, but it'll have to do in a pinch.  We have places to go.

***

Such as the main programming room, where they're showing the winners of this year's anime music video contest.

But first, we encounter a girl dressed as Kagura (or maybe Osaka?) in her kissaten costume, complete with the Daddy-hat.  She and her friends simply *have* to take a picture of her and Daddy-cat, and why not?

***

So we miss most of the first winner, for the Romance category (a Maison Ikkoku video entitled 'And So It Begins'), and *I* wind up missing some of the Drama winner, a SaiKano piece called 'Weapons With Silver Wings.'  Interestingly enough, so do their creators, as they do not respond to the call to collect they winnings.  At least the third winner is present - but one would expect that from the Staff category; Jason Dye has the Final Fantasy cast doing movie quotes, which have their funny bits, but the CG of FF makes the lip synch issues more pronounced than on your typical AMV.

The Dance winner, a Dual video by the title "If Fear Became Reality," is interesting, but really only serves to remind me how out of touch I am with the latest music (actually, *most* AMVs do that - it's why I stick with comedy.  I may not relate to the music, but some things are funny, no matter what music you like).  But the Action winner perks up Konatsu's interest.  Not so much for the music, or even for the series it highlights (Berzerk).  Well, maybe for the series... because the artist has created an *action* video based on the Berzerk *manga*.  Now, my kunoichi wants to try doing this - if this can be done, maybe there's hope for Yotsubato yet.  I'm dubious, but if Konatsu wants to put something like that together, I'm gonna be as supportive as I can about it.

But it's the next video - yes, the Comedy winner - that gets my attention.  Created by 'godix' - who did a very funny "Tribute To My Wife" a year or so ago (wonder if he' still married?  Not that I'm interested, mind you) - it breaks some of the big unwritten rules of anime music videos:  there's no music to speak of, and it has subtitles.  It's called, for all you writers out there, "Azumanga Daioh - the Animated Fanfic," and damn if it doesn't work.  Go to animemusicvideos.org.  Get this video.  For those who like Azumanga, there's another winner in Rollthestampede's "Azumanga Die-Oh part 2."  I think I prefer the original, but this one's good enough for a prize, too.  Not that he's here to collect it, as usual.

But the best in show belongs to Suberunker Studiosh, featuring Shinji Ikari in a video-game style search for Misato and Kaji's "Wedding Rings," complete with a callbak to his previous work, "The Wizard of Ozaka."  The man has it in for Shinji, I tell you.

And he's here!  He collects his winnings, says a few words of thanks, and he's off.  With Konatsu suddenly interested in the idea of creating an AMV (first cosplay, now an AMV - I'm kind of proud that Konatsu-chan is striving for the full otaku experience.  On the other hand, I'm starting to feel a bit outclassed), my kunoichi wants to find Suberunker and congratulate him; maybe even pick up a few tips.  But those l33t ninja skillz only go so far; as good as Konatsu is as disappearing into crowds, it doesn't help in finding someone *else* who's disappeared into the crowd.  It doesn't help that we didn't get a really good look at him from where we were sitting, so we're not entirely sure who we'd be looking *for*.

***

As we wait to be let back into main programming for the closing ceremonies (although someone else might consider it odd that we're not waiting in line.  We see no point to it, since we know we won't have any trouble getting a decent seat.  On the other hand, as long as we *are* right there, why *not* get in line?  Well...), John-sempai catches up with us once again.  Konatsu tells him enthusiastically about the Berzerk manga AMV, and possible plans for Yotsubato.  

Between one card game and another, the three of us once again brainstorm about possible music video concepts.  As with parodies, there's the question of what comes first, footage or music?  Certainly, we're stuck considering music ideas for Yotsubato - and to be honest, we'd be hard pressed to even match the person who did a Flash video setting the characters in the Azumanga opening credits.  Meanwhile, sempai has an idea he's never tried, but always thought would work: the second Ranma movie set to the Gilligan's Island theme. 

After about fifty minutes or so of card-playing and brainstorming (mostly the former), the line starts to move, as the doors open one more time, and people begin to flow into main programming for the closing ceremonies.  Since we never actually got *in* line, we find ourselves sitting there, waiting as if for a long frieght train to go by.  Granted, freight trains can be more colorful than this lot (with graffiti, don'cha know), but not by much.

***

They're running the same film they did at the opening (about the ACen weight loss program), except that there's no sound.  As soon as they realize this, they stop.  Which is just as well, as Carl Horn is ready to take the podium in any case.  It seems a ridiculous question, but he starts off by asking us if we've enjoyed ourselves (and I hardly need to point out that the response is overwhelmingly affirmative.  Then again, those that *didn't* enjoy themselves would be likely to just mumble, rather than hollering out a lusty "NO!"). 

Enjoyment, he adds, is key; and he points out that not all conventions are enjoyable.  He recalls ComiCons where the hotel resembled a fallout shelter, and the congoers themselves looked like extras from Day of the Dead.  Thing is, anime conventions are run by fans; comic conventions are more than likely run by the industry.  It has its place, I suppose, but there's a big difference as to whether it's a fun time, or just business.  It's a liberating thing, for which Japan, despite being the headwaters of everything we celebrate this weekend, has no equal for.

And with that, we begin to say our goodbyes.  Junko Mizuno still seems nervous onstage, but she does her best to assure us that she had fun.  TsuShiMaMiRe is considerably more enthusiatic, as the trio storms the stage carrying a Japanese flag covered in signatures: "See you next year!" they call out.  Tomoko Taniguchi's farewell is most elegant: "For almost all of my life I have been otaku... You all are like my old friends."

Couldn't have said it better.  Thanks, Tomoko-chan.

The last American guest to show up is the first to leave, as he has a plane to catch; Troy Baker tells us that we have been "un-freaking-believable," and certainly hopes to be back, as he's quite sad about having to leave so soon.  Greg Ayres stumbles onstage, groggily noting that "seven hours ago, I was *standing* on that speaker... you all top yourselves every year."  He thanks all the 'little people:' the staff, the volunteers, and especially the DJs; "It was an awesome con - and it's all your fault!"

The DeJesuses, too, are still weary from last night's dance (well, okay, this morning's - I understand that it went until past five).  Emily apologizes for something Rob did, and thanks everyone for the anniversary party.  Rob is a little more laconic: "Ditto."  Jeff Nimoy grins that he's no longer a con virgin, "thanks to this girl in room 2922....  I had no idea, writing away in my little office, that all of you were watching... I'm gonna put Wolfwood on my tombstone..."

The voice actors *really* must have blown themselves out.  Chris Patton admits that last night was pretty much a blur - and with very little voice left to tell us even that much.  Monica "I sound like a squeak toy" Rial does what she can to thank everyone for making this so much fun (and remind her not to miss a year again).  She does manage to summon Greg and Chris back onstage for one last 'Trifecta' pose.

However worn out he may be, Chris Ayers won't let Carl hold his mug while he addresses the crowd: "Nobody holds my giant sippy cup!"  As with the others, he expresses admiration for the crowds and the staff.  Mike McFarland has fun playing with the cameraman trying to track him - anything to stay off the Jumbrotron screen.  He finally does pause to thank everyone for coming out to see everything... and then he doesn't want to give up the microphone.

When Carl finally *does* wrest it from Mike, he turns it over to Studio Tavicat.  Tabitha bubbles about how she's losing her voice, and how that's a *good* sign.  Rikki concludes that we "will never be this nice again.  Your purpose is ended.  I have to kill you now."  Speaking of scary, Jan Scott Fraizer thanks everyone who came to her Voices For Peace concert, and how everyone made a terrifying first-time singing experience, not so scary after all.

When Fred Gallagher is announced, I can hear the squeak of a Boo doll (or maybe it's just Monica).  But he doesn't come out to acknowledge the applause.  Still, that doesn't dissaude people from their ovation, until Carl explains: "You can clap all you want, it's not going to fix his van."  Ah, the poor guy has the worst luck sometimes.

Quintan Flynn bounds onstage with a cry of "Daay-O!" and gets the audience to follow him in a bit of call-and-response, at which point he declares himself duly impressed.  As with Jeff, he's a writer who doesn't get to see the actual fans anywhere near often enough, and he certainly wants his moment in the sun to last a little longer - he actually tries to get us to get up and give him a standing ovation.  Hey, we'll applaud, sugar, but standing Os *have* to be spontaneous.

Brittney Karbowski has had so much fun, she's tired out - but it doesn't keep her from hoping to return next year.  A baby in the audience cries, and Bruce Lewis agrees: "I feel like that, too."  Besides thanking the security and greenroom staff, he offers special thanks to "the high school kid who saved up so many allowances and travelled all this way in order to come here and listen to me B.S. for two hours."  At the same time, he insists that "we've learned a lot."  Presumably, the high school kid did; Bruce doesn't elaborate on what *he* learned, and I'm not sure I want to know.

Carl actually doesn't recognize Doug Smith when he's wearing glasses (maybe if Doug were wearing *shades*), but Doug is undeterred.  Like Mike, he darts around onstage a bit, trying to avoid the cameraman. When he's finally ready to stand still and thank everyone - and pose for the camera - he calls out once more for *his* Trifecta; Mike joins him readily enough, but Jan is so tired (or at least trying to show how tired she is) she collapses as she crawls onstage.  Carl can only shake his head as they leave: "You witness so much drama up here."

"How was your con?" asks Colleen Clinkenbeard.  Given a noisy answer, she agrees with us.  She actually tells us we were "incredibly respectful... well, until now."  Well, okay.

With one last round of applause for all the guests, the executive staff (or, as Carl puts it, "those whose megalomania makes this all possible") are brought onstage to take one more bow.  And then some - the chair and vice chair actually dance together, while someone in the audience even throws money.  Chairman Sugerman calls on the section chiefs who run the staff when he isn't here, "like now."  As they ascend the platform it occurs to me - if they're all here, who's running things *now*?  They're *all* indisposed at the moment.

In any event, next year is going to be number ten, and it's going to be bigger and better than ever.  Speaking of bigger... yes, we have our attendance figures: 10.393 paid, and when you include guests and staff, we're talking some 11,500.  It's not what the buzz had me expecting, but the chairman is simply relieved to have finally cracked the ten thousand barrier without serious incident.  And they have documented proof of that; no major incidents from security, no visits by the police or ambulances... all in all, a very well-behaved con, considering certain previous experiences.  Once again, we're asked to applaud ourselves (and I would, but I'm busy writing).

And with that, the convention is declared closed, to the usual boos and chants of "three more days! three more days!"  That strikes me as overreaching: a four-day con I can understand, but a *six-day* con?  What's next, chartering a cruise ship?

By and large, most of the crowd files out in an orderly fashion, while the Jumbotrons focus on one side of the stage, where several of the guests of honor (mostly the writers, but several others as well) are standing around, posing for pictures and talking with the fans.  And that strikes me as a pleasant scene to fade out on.

***

But it's not as if we're gonna leave just yet.  We know that when he's with L-chan, Dan-chan never wants to go home (and L, thankfully enough, doesn't seem to mind either), so there's none of the rush to get home that there would be say, with Jeni-imouto-chan or Clan Kuonji doing the babysitting.  So Konatsu insists - in that gentle manner my kunoichi has - that we stick around for the gripe session.  As John-sempai doesn't have any reason to hurry home either, he stays with us as we wend our way back to the Forum.

Don't get us wrong - it's not that we have any gripes as such about the convention (save perhaps that it's never long enough and we can't do everything out there, but that can't be helped, now, can it?), but there's a few things we want to know about.  For instance, there's the whole consuite thing - what *really* happened here?  We think that, even if there isn't any food served by the convention itself, otaku *need* a reasonably large gathering space to just get together a talk.  Or am I giving otaku too much credit when I say they don't need to have food served?

The head staffers are arranged panel-style at a table that extends from one end of the Forum's platform to the other.  Frank Sanchez is the only face I recognize, even though he's now out of costume - as secretary, he's perched behind a laptop, ready to take notes of his own.  He lays down a few ground rules for the discussion at hand: first, that gripes are okay, but solutions would be so much better; second, we need to be civil even as we complain; and finally, let's get to the point, don't hem and haw - there are other people with greivances and ideas to air waiting their turn.

The first issue is with the fact that this year had no karaoke events; of course, in previous years, that would be held here, in what used to be the consuite at the time.  The staff acknowledges that there were a lot of requests for it this year, and they will try to restore in next year, but the space limitations (not only was there a prom going on here at the Hyatt this weekend, but a wedding, too) precluded a number of traditional program items like this.  With a little more planning, next year should work out these kinks.

Space limitations, of course, were not an issue for the dealers' room, which receieves high praise (as does the Artists' Alley - although the fact that one *had* to walk through the Alley to get to the dealers' room draws both raves and ire from different people).  Oddly enough, the staffers are a little embarrassed about this, admitting that they were wholly unprepared for how to use the space in the convention center efficiently (the upstair space they had this year was 2� times larger than the one downstairs).  They plan to improve on this year's model, to "make it an experience, not just a mall."  Security gets high marks, too; the congoer basically states he's never felt safer in the three years he's attended.  For myself, I can't recall feeling UNsafe, but maybe there's places I don't go, things I don't do.  Anyone wanna clue me in?

The first weekend in May seems too early for some (presumably still in college), but the staff claims the date was more or less out of their control.  Judging from their tone, however, they are not keen about Mothers' Day weekend, either.  And they do remind everyone that ACen was a one point (yes, *one* point - their first) held in early *April*.

A parent (who claims to have heard the same complaint from other parents as well) says that the room set aside for children's programming, and the staff agrees.  Traffic was heavy all over, even downstairs where the children's room was.  Again, this has to do with the space limitations at the hotel, which they hope not to have in future.  Similarly, there were plans to have a photoshoot room, to take pictures of cosplayers, but this proved not to be possible either.  They *did* have a couple of backdrops, one in the convention center and another in the hall right outside main programming, but at least one complainant wasn't aware of these - perhaps a few more signs?

A girl asks about Vic Mignona not being allowed to attend, and wants to know why.  Interestingly, the con as a whole either can't or does not want to give an answer at this time.  Apparantly, there almost was a rift between the con and Funimation about this, and with no one on the panel representing Guest Relations, the whole and correct story cannot be given.  I certainly don't recally any Vic stories akin to Amanda Winn-Lee's legend, so I doubt he got blacklisted.  But we may never know; in any case, the girl is insistent that the con do what it can to get him back.  Somehow, I suspect we're hearing from a Full Metal Alchemist fangirl.

Someone mentions the registration line, and how there used to be Jumbotrons playing in the line (specifically, a bit about "what not to do" either in line or at a convention - I'm not sure, as I've never seen them.  Last yeat, though, I do recall seeing screens showing AMVs at some point).  It seems the convention didn't have time to request the screens they needed from their supplier; another simple matter that a little more planning should correct in future.  Meanwhile, Konatsu offers a suggestion: why not give the registration packets (you know, the bags with the program guides and all that) to everyone as they *enter* the line, rather than when they get to the registration desk?  That way, they can read all the rules - and check the guide to see when and where they want to be places over the coming weekend - while they stand around and wait to get their registrations.  The most remarkable thing happens - the staff actually applauds my kunoichi for this idea; this idea
 never occured to them in nine years of running this con, and it seems perfectly sensible. 

Anime Hell and Midnight Madness receive kudos; among the reviews are 'hilarious' and 'never gets old.'  However, they pose a question regarding new material, to which Ryan points out that these things take time.  They try to debut one parody each year - in this case, "S.T.E.A.M." but next year?  No idea, yet.

Another individual praises the fact that certain rooms were set aside for certain genres of anime; however, he'd like to see more of certain series.  Marathon rooms, I believe, is the phrase.  Once again, there were the space issues, combined with the assertion by the staffer in charge of video programming that people generally can only stay put for so long in a given video room: two hours, and the place starts to empty.  So they had to go with more variety this year to make up for this.  And the smorgasbord approach does generally test favorably, even with the crowd here.

Lines get a fair amount of gripe time; one person complains that registration on Friday was so hard to find that "without the fact that I was following a cosplayer, I'd never have known where to go."  The line-on-both-sides-of-the-hall approach (for opening ceremonies, cosplay, MegaTokyo panel &c) draws some fire, too: why not use barricades?  Or put tape on the carpet?  The first idea has been tried, and the fire marshal has nixed it (how would people get out from those things if there were an emergency?); the second, by the hotel (they aren't keen on getting their carpet messed up).  This method is the best they could do under the circumstances.  A suggestion is posed that certain IRT members could stand holding a sign indicating "End of MegaTokyo line," or what have you, and it is given consideration.

The IRTs may get a lot more assignments next year, if all this afternoon's suggestions are taken to heart.  But having them serve as walking info desks may be impractical, as many of them come from out of state (hey, Chicago is a big city, but it's close to both Wisconsin and Indiana, after all) and can't be expected to know the layout of the hotel right off the bat.  There are no chances for walkthroughs, and while there are a number of veteran IRTs, they actually only made up 35% of this year's security staff.  Imagine that; 2/3 of the security force were complete rookies.  To be fair, the idea of locating lost people via walkie-talkie communications seems feasible; however, lost people are presently instructed to go to (and hopefully meet the rest of their part at) the info desk, so it isn't as if there isn't a plan or policy.

ID checks for certain panels get a little bit of flak; couldn't they indicate 'adult' or 'minor' on them.  Well, sure, and evidently ACen intends to implement that in the future.  But to be fair, that can only serve as a first line of defense; only a picture ID can really *prove* you're old enough for hentai, or to drink, or whatever.  A staffer actually suggests that the program guide highlight those items that are child-friendly or adults-only for next year, and I suspect we'll be seeing that next year.

These restricted rooms catch further ire from a girl (it may be that FMA fangirl, from the sound of it) who was trying to locate her elder sister.  The IRT at the door wouldn't let her in to look, but wouldn't look for the sister himself either, which the girl considers to have been quite rude.  However, he was the only IRT there, and who would have checked IDs if he left his post?  They promise to look into having two IRTs at the doors next time around.

Finally, someone points out that the presense of the anime industry is dwindling (and not just because Japanese animators refused to attend a convention over the Golden Week holiday).  And it's true: ADV in particular is almost completely absent for this year's convention.  It appears they expanded too much too fast, and are suffering some relatively serious budgetary crises these days.  And this doesn't seem to be unique to them; Tokyopop's profile is also considerably lower for similar reasons, and in one company's situation, they are currently undergoing a change in management - and the new management simply doesn't know what2 to make of the convention scene.

I do hope this doesn't mean hard times ahead for the anime scene; in our interview this morning, we offered the opinion that anime was pretty much here to stay at this point.  But without companies to bring it over, will it actually *get* here?  And no, I'm not forgetting the fact that fansub groups are constantly performing their own labor of love to bring anime to English-speaking (and Spanish- and French- and Portugese-speaking - I've been to Tokyo Toshokan's website) otaku the world over.  But there are still the mainstream mundanes who may never get the chance to see the new and ever-improving (in style, perhaps, in not in substance yet) anime series that continue to flow from the headwaters in Japan.

***

As it's now nearly seven pm, that's pretty much the end of it.  Time to go back to our home, our family, our son.  Time to resume our normal lives, even if they are lives in which I have a convention report (and some fifty pages of notes) to transcribe, and plans to hunt down a cheap version of Adobe Premiere or some such to create a manga music video or whatever Konatsu's considering.  They are still lives in which we go about our day - our work, our classes, our ordinary lives - just like everyone else on this little planet.  But there, for these three days, we get that chance to be the otaku we enjoy being, to revel in that strange little piece of our lives and selves.

Thanks again, all of you.

Until next year - or this August, should we meet you in Iowa - Kampai!

Itsu mo,
Ucchan  ^_^



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