On Feb 24, 2006, at 5:16 PM, Bert Miller wrote:

Wow, a Moldiver fanfic!  Sugoi!

You're welcome!

Huh?  The story takes place two years before the OAVs,
but the characters are three years older than they are
in the OAVs?  What gives?

Easy. I'm a moron who didn't check facts and got years confused. In  
atonement, I shall now beat myself in the head repeatedly with the  
revised and simplified tax guide. The resulting brain damage will  
mean in a delay in fics. The management apologizes for the inconvience.

*WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM*

I'm only tee and a haf years old!

borderline masochistic exercise program. Mirai made
her living as a model, and her work literally depended
on her looking good.

This seems to be quite common in what little Moldiver
fanfic exists out there, to put Mirai into a career
based on the fact that she enters beauty contests in the
first OAV.  I've always found it a bit disappointing,
personally; she's characterized as being very savvy
technically, if not on a par with her world-beating
brothers.

The impression I got wasn't that Mirai was dumb, but more that she  
prefers the spotlight and the acclaim. She's probably on par with  
Hiroshi, technology just bores her.

He was a technologist, currently between jobs and
keeping himself busy with consulting work.

Suggest "engineer" of some sort (despite the OAVs' use
of the word "technologist", which I didn't care for).
You might supply a type we don't have today for
verisimilitude, e.g. nanoscopic engineer, zero-field
energy engineer.

Yeah, it bugged me too. But if I don't, then the canon nazis around  
here come down on me like a ton of bricks.

I found this bit kind of odd.  I don't see anything in
the OAVs to justify its being there in the original,
which means you introduced it for some plot-related
reason.  But, at least in this chapter, you don't seem
to do anything with it.

Nope. Not plot element there, just good old fashioned fanservice.

Opening the door, he stared at the two men. Both wore
identical dark suits...

<clip>

"My name is Tom Smith and this is William Lee Jones.

Men In Black, huh?  Suggest you add sunglasses.

"We know about Moldiver," Jones said. "We know that
Amagi was Machinegal, and did not, as Amagi Corp is
telling people, that he was killed in a Jetcoptor
accident."

Okay, clearly the story is supposed to take place in
2048 or thereabouts, not 2043.  Also, there's a grammar
problem with the above.  Suggest "and did not, as Amagi
Corp said, die in a Jetcopter crash".

Now you've make me curious about the fate of the Dolls,
assuming he brought them back from the end of Episode
Six as implied.

They died with him, that's all I'll say.

"There is a face?" Mirai asked.

Smith nodded. "A face, a city under the Martian Ice,
evidence of ancient astronauts, the whole thing.

Okay... and exactly WHY has the government concealed all
this for decades?  You never have the MIB offer an
explanation, but surely this would be the first thing
Hiroshi and Mirai would ask for.

Point, though in my opinion, most people would assume that they did  
because they could. It's a long standing opinion in conspiracy  
circles, I'm told, that the goverment is too afraid of being  
overthrown by a rioting public, so they hush up everything and  
anything they can.

The cynics would simply snort and go "Of course. S.O.B.'s never tell  
us a damn thing."

said, "in what we now know to be an archaic form of
Sumerian but with Akkadian and Elamite mixed in. All
now extinct languages.

Extinct Semitic languages.  Man, can you imagine what
the fundamentalists would make of something like this!
"See!  Hebrew really IS the original tongue of mankind!"

There's at least three cities on Mars, all
demonstrating a clear Sumerian architecture and more
than enough writings to prove that there's a
connection."
Jones leaned forward. "At least one of those
structures was a spaceport. There's also what appears
to be an underground subway system, possibly covering
the entire planet.

At this point I am inclined to suspect you're planning
a Sailor Moon backstory tie-in, or perhaps a tie-in with
Battlestar Galactica.

Nope. Though I hadn't thought about BG. But no, this is pure  
Moldiver. You should check out Hoagland's site when you have some  
time to kill, though. He's pretty much lost his mind, but he's got  
some fascinating theories all the same.

Smith took a deep breath. "We also found several
functioning vid-screen, showing humans issuing
warnings, or at least that's what we think based on
the tone of voice. We can't understand what the
warning is, but it sounds bad."

Hmmm... Nobody could decipher an extinct Semitic
language in thirty years?  Given enough of a sampling,
this seems very implausible.  Suggest instead that they
KNOW it's a warning, but can't figure out of what, as
the technical words have no common roots.

To this day, the oldest known language is a form of Sumerian, though  
no one can read or speak it. The other two are the same way,  
according to this site.

http://www.crystalinks.com/sumerlanguage.html

Physics, Saturn, or more specifically, it's moon
Iapetus, held clues to our own origins. He cited it's
unusual orbit, its strange 'yin-yang' coloring,
hexagonal shaped craters, and what appeared to be a
headronistic shape. He said that Iapetus was an
artificial object created for some purpose. He
suggested an Ark, a seedship from somewhere outside
the solar system, a warship, or perhaps some kind
of resort."

(sp) You twice use "it's" where you want "its", the
possessive.

"headronistic"?  Is that a word?

It is now.

And, of course, they're right!  Iapetus was placed there
by the black monolith as a gateway, back when humans
were first raised from apes by the monolith!

So Davey and Hal should be hanging around somewheres.

Now this is promising: a BGC crossover, with Sylia
either about 38 or about 30 depending on whether you're
using BGC Classic or BGC 2040.

Nope. Just a cameo.

Well, let's see; what do I think overall?  Intriguing
enough to keep reading, which is the important thing.
I have no idea where you're going, other than that there
must be some external threat out there someplace.

Well something blew the human race back to the Stone Age and it may  
or may not be dead yet.

Thanks for the C&C

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