Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Special C&C Disclaimer: I've seen Bleach, but not Conan. So my
commentary may be even less useful than normal!
The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:
Yahyah, I know. I do this way too often. Shaddap. x.x
This is the result of a crack-addled mental image which I had at like 3am
while marathonning Bleach, which just WOULD NOT GO AWAY...
But really, isn't that how MOST of these things get their start? ^_^;;
It's generally either that or reading another fanfic and grumbling to
myself about all the things I'd do differently. Sometimes its both.
Strict laws govern the behaviour of the Shinigami, who are considered by
many to be the highest authority of the spirit domain, and others to be its
most notorious scum.
I think the comma after domain is extraneous.
"P-please...please go away! Leave me alone...!" Amano Michie was not having
one of the best days of her short life. The seven-year-old girl had come
home to find police and firemen and reporters and lots of strangers around
her apartment building, and nobody could tell her where her mommy was--and
wouldn't let her go home.
"and wouldn't let her go home." needs a subject, I think.
This monster was really really REALLY SCARY, with five arms and sharp claws
(it had already cut her leg twice and it hurt it hurt MOMMY) and a snakelike
tail and a skull face with way too many teeth and its breath smelled rotten
like...like...
And it kept coming after her and moaning and telling her it was hungry and
it wanted to eat her...
"NOw, lITtlE gIrL," it cackled, foul breath rolling off it in waves as it
bobbed in front of her, "lET Me dEVouR YouR sOUL..."
Michie opened her mouth to scream, but nothing came out...and the monster
was laughing...and...
This whole sequence is very effective. Well done.
The boy smiled even more grimly. his blue eyes hard and sharp behind his
glasses. "And now that I've identified the criminal, it's time for the
judgement." He held his sword before him in both hands and closed his eyes.
"Detekoi...ZENIGATA!"
Translation? Zenigata is the name of the sword, I presume, but it would
be nice to know what the rest means. Perhaps in the author's notes,
since there's not really a way to translate it here without ruining the
flow.
After the soul of the deceased woman faded into nothingness, Conan slumped
against a ruined wall, removing his glasses and wiping tiredly at his eyes.
"I really *hate* this fucking job sometimes..."
But he knew there was no turning back now. Not after...what happened *that*
day...
(To be continued...)
It's definitely an extremely well-written, interesting beginning. I'll
certainly be keeping an eye out for the next part.