Some explanation is due.

Periodically, in the course of Three Goons in Eva, we make references to
"omake" pieces which simply don't exist, and we don't plan to write. I've
been wanting to do this kind of weirdness in TGE for a while, but it
looks like it'll never make it in now, so I'm here, presenting it as a
stand-alone drop of insanity. 

This probably goes without saying, but don't take this seriously, and
Neon Genesis Evangelion isn't mine.





                ----------------------------------------

                    Three Goons Omake Theater Teaser

                           "Sliced and Diced"

                ----------------------------------------

NARRATOR: INSANITY PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS A "THREE GOONS: OMAKE THEATER"
EVENT.

[Jared opens the door to the Goons' apartment and notices the small
package sitting outside. He stoops to retrieve it, placing the box
wrapped in brown paper under one arm while he peels off the note stuck
to the top of the box and reads it.]

Jared: (reading the note out loud) Death from above, you heathens, for
the destruction of our King Squash. Signed, the Vegetable Liberation
Army. (blinks, reads the note again, then yells into the apartment)
ANDY! FOR YOU!

[He goes inside and the door closes. A moment passes in silence, then a
muffled THUMP kind of sound comes from inside at the same moment the
door suddenly bulges outward as it hit with a very large hammer. The
fact that the door is still solidly in its tracks and not flying through
the air right now is a testament to the quality of its construction.
Small tendrils of smoke do leak out of the new gaps between it and the
frame, though.]

John: (from inside; deadpan) I see your efforts to piss off everyone on
the planet have not yet been proven to be entirely in vain.

NARRATOR: IT HAS ACTION!

[Andy stands on a grassy knoll in Dallas-2. He is dressed in a
sleeveless black gi with red markings. The sky behind him is stuffed
with dark clouds that churn like the pits of hell. A very thin and tall
man stands before him. The man's hair is standing straight on end and is
colored bright orange, except for the tips, which are green. He wears a
white lab coat and stained green chinos.]

Tall Man: Now, I shall merge with this cucumber, and I shall be a god!

[The man triumphantly holds aloft a green tubular vegetable that is much
bigger than it has any right to be. He slowly lowers it and...]

Andy: (pulling a disgusted face) EEW!!!

[Lightning rips across the boiling sky, the increasing lighting allowing
Andy to double his horror.]

Andy: (permanently scarred) AAAAAHHH!!!

Tall Man: BUWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

NARRATOR: IT HAS DRAMA!

[The inside of a typical Tokyo-3 convenience store with yellow paint
EVERYWHERE. John comes flying through the front window courtesy of a
martial arts throw, flips in the air, and lands on his feet. He spares
the store a derisive glance, then locks his eyes onto his target. A man
dressed in a 70's style suit made of white plastic jumps through the
remains of the window. He's wearing a pair of dark sunglasses, with
lenses the size of small dogs. He takes a moment to pose dramatically.]

Man: Round one to _me_. Ready for round two?

[John looks like he's gone twelve rounds with a washing machine, and
obviously isn't, but he takes up a fighting stance and sets his jaw.]

John: (evil smirk) Go for it, spore.

Man: (enraged) SPORE?! (aims his arms at the Goon) FROZEN PEA ATTACK!

[Hundreds of frozen peas shoot out of the man's sleeves. John, in a
display of martial arts prowess that ought to have a few jaws picking up
dust bunnies, deflects most of the frozen foodstuffs. But his moves
aren't perfect, and quite a few of the tiny projectiles get through,
leaving quarter-sized bruises all over his body.]

Man: WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

NARRATOR: IT HAS OLD MOVIE REFERENCES!

[A giant castle on a wind-swept island. It's night time, and a great
storm rages, calling forth the sea to rage furiously against the
stalwart ramparts of the stone fortress. A giant bolt of lightning
suddenly strikes the top of the castle. We cut to an interior shot,
where a short man with greasy black hair, and thick glasses, wearing a
lab coat, stands under the shadow of what looks like a giant
carrot--that's moving.]

Man: IT'S ALIIIVE!!!

NARRATOR: IT HAS SAD GIRLS IN SNOW!

[Jared sits on the concrete side of a large canal in Tokyo-3. He looks
rather morose. A brunette steps into frame wearing a light summer dress
and stands behind Jared, also facing the canal.]

Girl: (very sad) I'm sorry, Jared. I can't do this any more.

[Abruptly, it begins snowing, although neither seems to mind.]

Jared: (melancholic sigh) Just tell me why.

Girl: (actually crying) I...I love the radish more.

[The girl runs out of frame. White crystalline flakes of frozen water
are blown about by her sudden departure. Jared slumps in defeat, still
and lifeless for a moment, then his head lifts enough for us to see his
blue eyes glowing with hellfire. His clenched fist is raised into view.]

Jared: (growling out the word, with a Japanese accent) Radditsu...

NARRATOR: IT HAS REALLY COOL AND POINTLESS ACTION SEQUENCES!

[Asuka leaps over her desk, then jumps sideways off of the desk in front
of hers. A violently thrown carrot just misses her, ripping a small
piece out of the skirt of her school uniform and embedding itself in the
chalkboard like a knife. A tall girl dressed in the same uniform, with
midnight black hair and dark green eyes, lowers her throwing arm as
Asuka lands on the floor.]

Girl: Very good, my little Austrian tart.

Asuka: For the last time, Reiko, I'm not Austrian! I'm--

Reiko: (ignoring Asuka) You're _what_, dear?

[A large bundle of green tentacles comes shooting into the air behind
Reiko and begin waving around threateningly, like a nest of snakes.
Asuka drops into a fighting stance while the camera swings around so we
can get a peak at her panties.]

Asuka: I'm going to kick your ass.

Reiko: (as the tentacles launch themselves at Asuka) OHOHOHOHOHO! I
think it likes you!

NARRATOR: IT HAS INTRIGUE!

[Rei and Andy are dressed like Navy SEALs and slink around a secret base
late at night. They come up to a heavy metal door and Rei sets some
blast cord on it.]

Jared: (OS) WOOHAAA!

[Jared leaps into view in a white gi with a black headband and kicks the
door in, then dashes into the dark and foreboding entrance. Andy shrugs
and gives the detonator a twist. Jared, his hair now aflame, and a large
amount of dust and debris, come shooting out of the doorway, expelled by
the force of the explosion.]

[Alarms wail. John swoops down and lands next to the pervert in full
Batman getup. Asuka, dressed exactly like Harlequin, lands next to him
and promptly knocks out Jared as he tries to grope her. Thankfully, her
Mighty Blow extinguishes the blaze that was his hair.]

John: Citizen, what goes on here?

[Andy whips out a small cardboard box with the word 'RADIO' written on
it in crayon. He speaks into the box while making static sounds with his
mouth.]

Andy: (bad radio static imitation) We've breached entry point Alpha.
(bad radio static imitation) T-minus five seconds.

Asuka: Five seconds to what?

[Spot lights finally come on and lock on the five suited...weirdos.
Jared quickly comes to and fires ki blasts at the lights, instantly
enveloping them all in darkness.]

Jared: ...

Asuka: ...

[Somewhere, a cat yowls.]

John: ...

Andy: (into the "radio") Base, have lost all visual contact. I cannot
see my feet. I repeat, I cannot see my feet.

[We hear Asuka slap Jared.]

Jared: What was that for?!

Asuka: (nonchalantly) Preemptive strike.

NARRATOR: IT HAS SPINE-TINGLING SAMURAI ACTION!

[Jared runs into a toy store, while the patrons scatter with shrill
screams of raw fear. A buff man in green spandex follows Jared into the
store, and finally catches up to him in one of the isles. Jared brings
his katana to bear. The man holds up a butternut squash. Eyes narrow,
old Japanese samurai movie music plays, then the two dash at one another
at impossible speeds. Squash meets sword with a ringing metallic CLANG!
Both draw away and begin circling one another until Jared steps on a
small purple plush toy. The toy begins to emit a horrifying noise.]

Toy: I love you...you love me...

[Jared kicks the toy at the squash-wielding fighter, who uses his weapon
to silence the evil device in a single blow. He gives Jared a huge
smile. Jared grins and even gives the guy a thumbs up.]

NARRATOR: IT HAS SUSPENSE!

[Toji is driving a large black motorcycle at high speeds down a walkway
in the middle of a cubicle farm. Kensuke is standing on the seat behind
him, fighting a giant kumquat with arms made of celery. He's currently
using a bat'leth to block the strange creature's root-like teeth. The
smoking blaster in Kensuke's holster and burn marks on the squash's body
suggests that this battle is hardly just beginning. Then the motorcycle
smashes through the window and sails into the great blue beyond, the
fighters on the back end not interrupted in the slightest.]

[90 floors below, the Goons sit in the open air at a sidewalk cafe.]

Jared: Did you hear the Osaka Tigers are in the running for the pennant
again?

[Just inside, a helper at the cafe stops rotating their stock to look at
a strange box. It's obvious from the look on his face that he knowswhat
the English word "Trinitrotoluene" means.]

John: No, but that's really good news.

[Fifteen blocks up the road, a semi-truck is speeding out of control,
doing close to eighty miles per hour. The trailer behind it is labeled
with the internationally recognizable symbol for liquid propane gas.]

Jared: How so?

[Directly below the cafe, a massive surge of methane gas is converging
from all over the city, rushing through the sewage lines, preparing to
erupt, unrestrained, through the manhole covers just outside of the
cafe.]

John: Well, while final series is playing, the country's going to be
such a wreck that I'll have an easy time keeping you and Captain
Destructo here (gestures to Andy) out of trouble.

[The three remain oblivious to the destruction about to envelope them,
even as the motorcycle continues to descend.]

[Ten meters.]

[Nine.]

[Eight.]

NARRATOR: IT HAS COOKING BATTLES!

[Jared stands behind a counter with various cooking implements, set up
in the center of a massive indoor stadium packed to the gills with eager
(read: salivating) audience members. A mountain of a man, darkly tanned
with massive head of corn yellow hair stands opposite Jared at a
matching counter. While the Goon wears black-on-black-on-black engineer
clothes, the big man wears an chef's apron over white clothes. He nods
to the crowd, which drives them into an absolute frenzy. Jared just
sulks with the same look on his face he had back in the snow.]

Announcer: (OS) BEGIN!

[Moving so fast they leave after-images, both take to cooking with a
vengeance. Burners flare like supernovae. Blades flash in the artificial
light, rending meat and vegetable at barely subsonic speeds. Sauces are
prepared en route to the pot, and no ingredient spends more than three
seconds on the cutting board.]

NARRATOR: THREE GOONS OMAKE THEATER PRESENTS: "SLICED AND DICED." COMING
SOON!

[Andy stands in the doorway to a dark padded room, holding a giant
steaming plate of sir-fried vegetables. A thin man, showing entirely too
much white around the eyes, cowers in the corner like a rat running from
a chainsaw.]

NARRATOR: SO EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!

Disclaimer Guy: Thisfanficnotintendedforconsumptionbybipedalorganiclife-
formsexistingwithinanydimensioninonoraroundtheSolsystem.Notacureforcanc-
er.Notdesignedtopreventthespreadoflicefromonepettoanother.Notdesignedto-
crushyouropponentslikeagiantrobot.Containstwiceyourdailyrecommendedallo-
wanceofninja.DonotusewithanylegalorillegaldrugsunlessitslateonabalmyThu-
rsday.Hey,youknowIcantypewhateverbecausenobodyeverlistenstothesethingso-
rreadsEULAseventhoughbyclickingOKyoucouldbesigningoveryoursoulorsomethi-
ng.Ofcourseit'shardlyyourfault.Imeanhaveyouseriouslyeverreadoneofthoset-
hingsbefore?They'reintentionallydesignedtoconfuseandbefuddle.Seriouslyt-
helanguageappliedinthosethingsissupposedtopreventnormalpeoplefromunders-
tandingthemeanings.Sometimesthiscomplicatedlegalbullshitcangetsooutofco-
ntrolthatitdoesntmatterhoweliteyoursquadoflawyers,youcantproveathing.Im-
notjokingaboutthis.Sonowthatweunderstandthisisjustameaninglessparodydes-
ignedtomakeyouwonderwhyIearthIhatesomanythingssomuchletsgetonwiththesho-
w.Notintendedtobeappliedinternally.AndifsoEW.Donotconsumewithbutter.Don-
otwavetocowswithyourlefthandonSundays.Donoteattheyellowsnownomatterhowl-
oudlyittalkstoyou.Andrememberbeeeafraid!Pleasedonottrytotakeovertheworl-
ditmightirritateme.Keepsometalcumpowderinyourleftsock.It'sexcellentonsa-
ndwiches.Taketwoasparinandcallmeinthemorning.DonotusewithProzac.Ididnti-
nhale.OopsImoutoftimegottagobye.


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