I'll be C&Cing more of this, it'd seem. Let's get it on.
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts, and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
Oh yeah... before I forget, you have the usual formatting problems. Your quote
and apostrophe are non-standard variants that will show up as completely
different characters, or as blobs, to people who are using other platforms.
Quotes (") and apostrophes (') should be vertical -- straight up and down.
To avoid all these, make sure the option to convert to these characters is
turned off and that your file is saved as plain ASCII text in the word
processor that you use. Alternatively, you may wish to look into using a plain
text editor such as Notepad or the various reformatting tools found in the FFML
FAQ.
On 10/10/05, Michael P Hopcroft <michael@mphpress.com> wrote:
Warning: some people are not going to like this chapter. I have accepted
this. C&C welcome anyway.
Aw. Well, if it's any consolation, I won't preemptively dislike your fic.
Though I can't promise that, in the middle of things, I'll change my tune and
rant if your fic's plot (or perhaps lack of it) rubs me the wrong way.
1.Meet Osaka-sensei
Suggest: Space in between the period and 'Meet'.
Satori Kimura got into her seat.
(wince) Kimura's daughter? I do hope she's nothing like DB Sommer's rendition
of her... for Osaka and co.'s sake, anyway. I know it'd make sense if she was
like her father, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's... kosher. Besides,
this fic will get some extra brownie-points for being original about Satori's
portrayal.
�Hey, Sa-chan!� Satori looked up to see one of her friends from middle
school,Aoi
school, Aoi
�Yeah, great to see you too, Aoi! I just wish I wasn't getting so many
odd looks from the senpais.�
Ah sou. This again. I'll repeat. Please, please, _please_ don't pluralize
Japanese words that have not been adopted into the English language, because
Japanese words as a rule don't have plural forms. Whether they're plural or not
should be inferred from the context of the sentence. (i.e. 'samurais' is
okay... 'senpais' isn't)
�Well, not at first sight, But whenever I introduce myself the seniors
"Well, not at first sight, but whenever I introduce myself, the seniors
(revise But --> but and add a comma after 'myself')
A young woman in a not-very-formal suit walked into the room. �Someone
left the door open.� she said.
open," she said. (speech indicator)
�I'd better close it.� The woman then
closed the door and walked up to the podium.
Well, at least Ayumu-san's still very Ayumu-like.
One of the boys called out �Stand!� The class stood, seeming to have
found its way into some sort of order. �Bow!� the boy called, and the
class bowed.
�That's awful nice of ya'.� the woman said.
ya'," the woman said.
�Sit.�, the boy said, and everyone took their seats.
Er, right. That's rather unsightly punctuation there, fic.
Revise: "Sit," the boy said, and everyone took their seats.
See in the footnotes below why this is the case. You can also refer to the
footnotes of my C&C of chapter 1 for further information.
�Osaka?�, Satori asked herself. �What does Osaka have to do with anything?�
"Osaka?" Satori asked herself (speech indicator)
�Hello, and welcome to the first day of high school,� the woman said.
�I'm your homeroom teacher for Class 1-4. My name's Ayumu Kasuga. Nice
to meet'cha.� She then looked around at the students.
Random little thought... since Ayumu's from, well, you-know-where, why not take
advantage of her Osakan accent. I mean, sure, in the anime it's barely
noticeable (she's very un-Osakan, considering she was from Osaka), but a little
speech pattern here and there (that's not overdone) wouldn't hurt. IMO.
�Yeah. In fact, for years now everyone's been calling me �Osaka� because
I came from Osaka. All my friends call me that, all the other teachers
call me that. I have a feelin' that someone's gonna start asking for,
Hmmm. So she already has a bit of an informal 'Osakan' speech pattern (feelin',
gonna...) Um, so never mind then.
for....� she looked at the board and sighed, �for Kasuga-sensei, and
I'll end up lookin' around wonderin' who the heck they're talkin' about.
Heh.
�I knew it, you're Kimura's daughter! He showed me your picture when I
was a second-year.�
Suggest: "...I was in second year." or "...I was a junior."
�He did?� now Satori was seriously embarrassed.
"He did?" Now Satori was seriously embarrassed.
�He was a really proud father. Still is, in fact. I'm really pleased to
meet'cha!�
�S...sure.�
�Fine. Let me move on. Kubato?�
I wonder what happened to the students whose names start from A, B, all the way
up to J...
�Here.�
Hmmm. I think I'm starting to get your little warning at the start of the fic.
You apparently opted not to put in jokes... either that or I simply didn't get
the joke/the 'joke' fell flat. S'okay, since this is your fic anyway. Let's see
what else you have in store for the reader.
2.Family Matters
Suggest: 2. Family Matters (space in between the period and 'Family')
Homeroom had mainly consisted the first day of organizing the class.
Missing 'of' word in between 'mainly consisted' and 'the first day'.
somewhat distantly. Shew wondered if this was a person she could deal with.
Revise: Shew --> She
�Sensei,� she said walking up to Osaka as the period ended,
"Sensei," she said, walking up to Osaka as the period ended, (add a comma after
'said'
�Can we talk
for a moment? Something is worrying me.�
Suggest: revising "Something is worrying me" (a bit too formal for dialogue,
IMO) to "Something's bothering me/I'm worried about something."
�Already? It's only the first day of high school, Satori-san. Why are
you worried?�
Suggest: revising "Why are you worried?" to "What are you worried about?"
It could
be hazing, that still happens sometimes.�
Suggest: replace the comma with an ellipsis (...).
�What's wrong with my dad?� Satori asked. �He's a good dad. And I'm sure
he's a good teacher!�
The way I figure it, I thought it'd be the High School _girls_ who thinks
Kimura-sensei weird. I mean, the boys (as evidenced by the manga) don't
particularly feel that weirded-out by him... Hell, they can actually relate to
the sleazeball! :)
�People in skirts. Your father likes high school girls a lot, and
sometimes he's been known to say and do things that upset them. I don't
think he means to, but it happens that way.�
(yawns) No offense, but what's with the IMO pointless exposition? I mean,
what's the point of this whole scene? If all the characters are merely going to
have friendly chats about their situation without so much as a gag, punch-line
or interesting conflict, then I might as well just watch Yokohama Quiet Country
Cafe or Cluster Edge.
�Why would I want you to feel bad, Satori-chan? I don't think your
father's a bad man. And as far as I know he hasn't actually done
anything totally improper.
'Cept asking for water from the swimming pool after all the girls swam in it,
or thinking aloud about peeping at some girls, or sexually harassing one of her
students by declaring his undying love for her, or...
It's just that � well, sometimes people come
across as odd to other people, ya' know? Like people tellin'; me I'm weird.�
Er, get rid of the needless semicolon after "Like people tellin'".
Satori stood back. �You're not weird, sensei!�
Ayumu: (pats Satori on the head) To hear such words of reassurance from the
daughter of Kimura-senpai is kind of moot, truth be told.
�Of course I'm weird. Everyone tells me I'm weird, and these are people
who have no reason to lie.
Ayumu: Also, everyone tells me that I'm called Osaka, and these very same
people also have no reason to lie. Ergo, my name is Osaka, my birthparents and
my identification card be damned.
But you know what, Satori-chan? It's OK.
OK. --> okay. (you might as well spell it out in prose)
As
long as I can do what I need to and want to, it's OK
OK --> okay (ditto)
that people think
I'm weird. And sometimes it can be fun.�
�Fun....�
Suggest: "Fun...?" (to me, it's as if Satori's supposed to be trailing off with
a quizzical tone)
�Now your father sometimes says and does strange things, but he's a good
Suggest: "Now, your father
Satori nodded. �Yes, he has. He's always been kind and supportive to
both of us. I couldn't ask for better.�
That always had me puzzled. What a quirk that Kimura has.
�Then that's the image of your dad you want to hold onto, ain't it?�
�Yeah � I mean, yes. Yes it is.�
Hmmm. Okay. If anything, even without the joke-punchline pattern/slice-of-life
comedy in this fic, there's at least the waffy feelin' of Disney-type morals
abounding. That counts for something, I guess... especially since Azumanga has
a penchant for these sorts of scenes (the Chiyo-chan's 'senpai' playing with
her in the playground in canon, for example, stands out as a waffy-type scene).
If you opted for this sort of feel, then okay. It's a redeeming factor to your
fic, I believe.
�So if the seniors mess with 'ya, walk away from 'em. Maybe have a nice
long cry when you get home to get it out of your system, and then put it
behind 'ya and go on with your day. If ya' stick to your real friends
and never let 'em down, they'll stick to you
Replace: to --> with
You can do it too.�
Osaka noticed that Satori's eyes were welling up with tears. �Was that
the wrong thing?�
Suggest: replacing "Was that the wrong thing?" with "Did I say something
wrong?" or add "to say" after "...wrong thing" and before the question mark.
Osaka smiled. �I'd better go to my next class,� she said.
(gets a heart attack) You used the speech indicator 'said' properly! :P
�What was all that about?� she asked.
�I'm going to love this school,� Satori said, �even if it kills me!�
(sweatdrop) Uh-huh.
3.Lunchtime Double-Entendres
Suggest: 3. Lunchtime Double-Entendres (space in between the period and '
Lunchtime')
Osaka took a seat at her desk in the Teacher's Lounge for lunch period.
�I am tired,� she said to no-one in particular.
Suggest: "I'm tired" or "I'm so tired" so that the dialogue would sound more
spontaneous and less... stilted.
Also: please don't hyphenate 'no one', because it's not a compound descriptor
for anything in the sentence.
�I wish I could take a
nap. But then I wouldn't get to eat lunch. But then, if I eat lunch, I
won't have time for a nap and I'll be really tired by the end of the
day. Decisions, decisions....�
Ah. There we go. That's more like the Ayumu Kasuga I know.
Yukari pepped up. "So, you two play games together?"
Ah. A setup to a joke if I ever seen one.
Rocky: What kind of games does boys and girls play?
Bullwinkle: Hmmm. This _is_ a kid's show. Well, parcheesi, of course.
"Yes, all the time. Taka's really good."
"What's your favorite game?" Yukari asked. "Final Fantasy? Devil May Cry?"
Ayumu: KATAMARI DAMASHII!~
Nyamo: ....
Yukari: Y'know, I should be surprised... but I'm not.
Ayumu: KATAMARI DAMASHII!~
"I don't know about a favorite, but I really like Hide the Sausage."
A moment of silence followed.
Heh.
Osaka met her senpais�
senpai's (do not pluralize the unadopted-to-English Japanese word)
blank, shocked stares with a quizzical look.
"You've never played Hide the Sausage? I'll show you..."
'NO!" cried Yukari and Nyamo, for once in one voice.
Heheh.
"You've never played...."
Nyamo: It's not that we haven't played... (stops) Yukari, stop looking at me
like that! I mean it!
Yukari: I believe you're thinking of a different game... 'Stuff the Sausage'.
Nyamo: (acidly) Well, I know a girl you got friendly with who _loved_ playing
with your Twin Bees, if you catch my drift.
Yukari: HEY!
Yukari cried out "I'll have you know that I am a highly skilled Hide the
Sausage player!� She then noticed Nyamo glaring at her and added �I just
don't get a lot of practice."
"Then you and Nyamo can play."
"No we can't! We don't have the equipment!"
"I do, it's at home right now. After work we can all play together."
Heh. I only gave one chuckle 'coz really, I saw _these_ jokes coming.
"It's a really fun game. You're in a castle, and vicious Glorbs are
trying to steal all the food. You have to conceal all the sausages in
places where the Glorbs can't find them. But don't use the alcoves on
level twelve -- the curtains don't work." Osaka looked at Yukari, who
was giving Osaka one of the oddest stares imaginable. "What?"
Tsk. Aw. And I expected this punch-line too.
"WHO makes a video game and calls it HIDE THE SAUSAGE?"
Ayumu: Namco.
A quick search in J-list should yield some satisfactory results. Besides,
considering the weirdness of Japanese Games like "Katamari Damashii", I figure
that the average Japanese gamer would be desensitized by now.
Nyamo shrugged her shoulders. "What other games do you like, Osaka."
Suggest: "What other games do you like, Osaka?" (since it's essentially a
question)
"Ride 'Em Cowgirl."
Suggest: "Ride 'em, Cowgirl."
Also, a double heh... just because Ayumu-san is so good with the punch-lines.
Yukari smirked. "Oh, is that a rodeo game where you're competing to see
if you can stay on the bull longest?"
"No, that's when I sit on Taka's...."
"STOP RIGHT THERE!"
Heheheh. Now that's more like it. This is the funniest moment in this fic by
default.
Osaka shrugged her shoulders. �OK.
"Okay (Y'know why)
4.Day's End
Suggest: 4. Day's End (space in between the period and 'Day's')
The last period of the day was over. Osaka had decided to go straight to
the teacher's room to do the end-of-the-day paperwork. She found herself
wondering where Yukari was off to.
Suggest: where Yukari went off to.
Kimura pulled out his chair to face her. �You were cuter in high school,
you know.� he said.
Heh. Oh yeah, change the period after 'know' with a comma. (speech indicator)
�I think so, but I wanted to talk to you about it. She's been getting
trouble from her senpais,
senpai, (y'know why)
�I don't know what to say because I'm not sure.....�
Suggest: cutting that five-period ellipsis into a four or three-period o
more important than her to me. Nothing. Maybe I shouldn't have had her
come to this school. Maybe I should have asked her to go somewhere else,
for her sake.�
Wow. Yeah, that sounds like the nice Kimura from episode whichever-or-another,
where he wants to donate... stuff. Yup. He did just that right before he
thought aloud about peeping at some girls. That Kimura.
teaching me. He's doin' what he's always done for me.�.And
Get rid of the period before 'And'.
I would have
thought to myself how wonderful it was that I had a father with the
courage to do that. I think that in spite of all the taunting that's how
Satori feels.
Sailor Moon: Feel the LOVE! Feel the WAFF!
Kimura: I feel 'ya.
Sailor Moon: ....
Kimura: The WAFF, I mean.
I think that's why she wanted to come to our school.� She
handed Kimura a tissue, as she could tell he was about to cry. �Don't
worry, senpai. I'll look after your daughter. She is my student, after
all. But you should tone things down, for her sake. The only reason
people think you're perverted is that you act like one, even thought
Revise: thought --> though
you're really not.�
Knowing Kimura (and knowing Ayumu's naivete), I'd say Ayumu's delusional.
�But I like high school girls a lot, Osaka I really like them.�
Missing period after 'Osaka', methinks. It's either that or a semicolon. It's
your jurisdiction.
�All you do is look. Remember that girl you were fixated on when I was a
student here, Kaori? Your attentions really creeped her out, but you
never laid a hand on her.
Kaorin: (showering) I... I feel so dirty... Why can't I wash it off!
AUUUUOOO!!!
You had a lot of power over her and the other
girls that you could have done horrible things with if you'd been a real
pervert, or a real bad person. But you didn't. Kaori said so herself.�
Happosai: Yep, that's who we are! The harmless old perverted men! Ahihihihi!
�Is that so? Does that mean I drove Kaorin away from men completely?�
Er, Kaorin's been swinging the other way _way_ before you entered the picture,
Kimura-sensei.
Kimura nodded, still dabbing his eyes with the tissue. Osaka returned to
her own desk, only to be met by Yukari.
Awwww...
I guess _this_ is the main point of the fic. Not bad. Not bad at all.
5.Yukari's Misinterpretation
Suggest: 5. Yukari's Misinterpretation (space in between the period and
'Yukari's')
�So, how was the sum total of your first day teaching real classes?�
Yukari asked. �Everything you hoped for and wanted? Or would you rather
stay home and do the hausfrau bit?�
Merely curious... What's a hausfrau?
�Teaching's good,� Osaka said, �I'll be fine. And so will my class.�
�Any plans?�
�Yeah. Taka's picking me up and we're gonna have dinner.�
�Oh, you're having dinner tonight?�
Ayumu: (blinks) Didn't I just said that?
Suggest: getting rid of the 'and we're gonna have dinner' part so that Yukari's
question won't seem like she was stating the obvious.
�OK,
"Okay, (Y'know why)
�I knew it! Pocket protector, prototypical nerd all the way. He must
have been really desperate!�
Suggest: changing 'prototypical' to 'stereotypical'
�It's OK
okay (ditto)
if it's the truth, and face it, Osaka, if you could land him
how great a guy could he be?�
Ouch. Typical Yukari statement, though.
�Here!� Osaka said. She was holding up a picture. �Does this guy look
desperate?�
Huh. IMO, Atypical Ayumu response. OTOH, human nature dictates that there are
times when even somebody as spastic as Ayumu can get irked.
Ayumu: (regarding Chiyo's future transformation as a girl with an 'American'
body) Uragirimono!
athletic-looking, with a nice face framed by a pair of wire-rimmed
glasses with a thin, neatly trimmed mustache. �this � this is Taka?�
Mustache? Now I'm getting the image of a young Soun Tendo wearing his good
friend's glasses! Or a young Burt Reynolds. :/
�He's shaved off the mustache since the picture was taken, but yeah.
This was taken on my graduation trip to Okinawa. Not really a honeymoon
since we're not officially married, but we did go off together by
ourselves and have a great time..�
Stray period after 'time.'
�He wanted me, I wanted him, we got each other. Worked out nice that
way. Otherwise the drawing incident would have had a really embarassing
embarassing --> embarrassing
There must be something wrong with me....� Then a thought sturck Yukari.
Revise: sturck --> struck
�Wait a minute.... drawing incident?�
Suggest: "Wait a minute.... Drawing incident?"
Or: "Wait a minute... Drawing incident?"
Also: "Wait a minute -- Drawing incident?"
TO BE CONTINUED
I believe the following points bear repeating, belaboring the point be damned.
Spell-check: 'Coz some of the errors you make can be weeded out by
spellchecking alone. Please don't use the FFML as your own personal
spellchecker like other authors do.
Speech Indicators (General Rule): When there's a speech indicator (said, asked,
replied, pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything the
character says inside the quotation marks) is being said by the 'speaker'
(hence 'speech indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's dialogue with a
period instead of an exclamation point or a question mark, please replace the
period with a comma. If there's no speech indicator in the following statement
after the dialogue, then the following sentence is a separate sentence that has
nothing to do with the dialogue.
i.e. "I'll say something," Chiyo said. "Now see me say lots of things, but this
time my name 'Chiyo' will be in pronoun form to show that my dialogue and 'she
added' are not two separate sentences but one continuous sentence," she added.
"Oops, I think I just made a run-on sentence!" She giggled.
Punctuation: Sentences which use 'as' ("She said this as she did something
else") don't need to be punctuated with commas (She said this, as she did
something else"). On the other hand, sentences that don't use 'as' ("She said
this, feeling regret") should have proper punctuation 'coz otherwise they'd
look weird otherwise ("She said this feeling regret.")
Plural Japanese Words: should not have English plural forms they've been
adopted to English language ('samurais' and 'tsunamis', sadly, are
grammatically correct words)
Inconsistent ellipses: The ASCII ellipsis is mostly composed of three separate
standard period characters (or four if you are also including a period to end
the sentence... but either way is good, so use whichever version floats your
boat). There's no such thing as a two-dotted ellipses and more than four dots
on an ellipsis is too much.
Missing Words: You regularly miss putting in key words in some of your
sentences, leaving them hanging. A good proofread (and not just a good
spell-check) would fix this problem in a jiffy. Speaking of which...
Proofread: It is a very powerful tool, more powerful than a spellchecker. It
also gets rid of brain-fart mistakes (like embarassing --> embarrassing). To
ensure the best type of proofreading, I'd suggest you read your dialogue out
loud. This is the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds right, makes
sense, and flows properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances are that it'll
feel very weird to read it. Make use of a thesaurus instead of a computer
spellchecker to check the proper spelling of words. Also, let your fic
percolate. If you have time, let it sit for a few weeks, then read it over.
Without what you think you wrote in fresh in your mind, you'll have a much
better chance of catching strange misspellings, nonsensical sentences, and
other problems. If you've just written the story, it's very difficult to edit
it yourself because you know exactly what it should say; so you read what you
think you wrote, rather than what you actually wrote. (Paraphrased from Katsu
no Miko's Memoirs of a Geisha... j/k, her Guide to Writing Better Fanfics)
General comments: Ho-kay. (ponders) It's not as bad as I thought it would be.
It gave me a chuckle or two. Certainly funnier and not so flat as the first
chapter (the Double Entendre part was moderately amusing). It's mostly centered
on WAFF, though... and I can only take so much WAFF. A bit too much WAFF can be
off-putting to most readers. Thank God I'm not like most readers. ^_^ I rather
think it's sweet that you're making use of Azu's more touching properties in
your fic (as opposed to making Azu into a laugh-in comedy fic). I mean, I'm all
for authors who 'keep it real' and write what they know, like, enjoy, and love.
If you prefer to present your Azu fic as more WAFFy and touching and less silly
and comedic, so be it. As a WAFF fic, it's okay. It's not particularly
exceptional, but it ain't sucky either. It's... nice.
In any case, ignore my sweet and sour comments if you'd like. I'm only "keeping
it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you
want to keep your fic as is, good for you. If you found my comments and
suggestion helpful in some level, even better... 'coz a bit of spit and polish
couldn't hurt. The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with a
grain of salt is to keep on writing. That's my two cents. Abdiel out.
__________________________________
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