The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:
Haruno Sakura had taken all her lessons to heart as best she
could. Even here, in her home near the very heart of the Hidden Village
of the Leaf
Random prosaic suggestion here: ShoPro has suggested 'Village Hidden in the
Leaves' as the appropriate interpretation of 'Konohagakure', and it does
serve as a more accurate rendition of the village name. Just a point you
might want to keep in mind when revising. :)
True. I'm just so used to "Hidden Village of the Leaf" that I find it
hard not to use. I'll have to consider changing it though.
than any untrained person could and still call it sleep. By the time
the last faint echo of the rock's impact had faded, several pillows,
positioned in a fair approximation of Sakura's shape, had replaced her
in bed. Sakura herself was perched above the window, glued to the
ceiling by her chakra. The kunai she kept on her nightstand was
clenched in her teeth, and she waited patiently for any sign of
attackers.
[Iruka] "Well done, Sakura-chan! A+ on your basics refresher."
Indeed.
Two impulses warred briefly in her mind, and the stronger
quickly asserted itself. "Wha... what the hell are you doing sneaking
into my room, you perv-"
Jiraiya, the famous Toad Hermit
Aaaah! The ero-sennin is evolving into a molestor!
*beats down bizarre Naruto/Pokemon fusion idea*
"Damn old pervert," Naruto muttered as he packed hurriedly.
"Can't even take the time to show me a single technique for weeks, and
then tells me we have to leave in the middle of the night!" He hurled a
crumbled-up shirt into the nearly-full pack that laid opened on his
crumpled
Argh. I hate it when I do that.
A sneaky look appeared on his face. "That old pervert is evil, so..."
He grinned, and raced out of the room once more.
When he returned, his arms were full with packages of instant
ramen.
Yes, because instant ramen is the obvious weapon of choice when fighting
evil old perverts.
Well, if really spicy curry can be the cure-all to every physical,
mental, and spiritual problem... ;)
Throwing the pack on his back, he moved with a speed no lessened by the
additional weight, pausing only to turn out the lights before slamming
the front door behind him.
But did he remember to LOCK it?
Nope!
Naruto nodded. "Um... Sakura-chan?" he said, ruffling through
his pockets.
"Yes?"
"I think I might've forgotten to lock my door. Could you check
it?" Naruto asked sheepishly.
CALLED IT! XD
So you did! :)
Jiraiya moved through the trees even quicker than he had moved
even more quickly, perhaps?
That does sound better.
Naruto snorted. "So where are we going, pervert?"
Another random suggestion: You really should try to keep in what Naruto
*actually calls people*, rather than translating it, because usually the
actual terms he uses have more meaning or connotation to them than the
simplified interpretations. 'Erosennin' does not simply mean 'pervert', and
the way Naruto uses it, it's close enough to a proper noun that it should be
treated as such.
Ditto with 'Tsunade-baachan'. He uses 'baachan' as an honorific, so it
should be treated accordingly.
Feel free to ignore this suggestion, but the story will flow more naturally
if Naruto's dialogue reads correctly. Believe it. :P
True. Consider it changed.
Naruto jumped down to the forest floor. He turned to face the
tree trunk and began to whistle as he did his business.
Aaaaah! He's gone pissing-nin!
Ouch. Now that's a bad pun.
The attacker's gaze narrowed. "You were on to me. Damn it."
Nice work on the little ninja exchange, BTW. Naruto battles/ninja stuff is
particularly hard to write without things getting confusing, and you've done
quite nicely here. :)
Thanks.
1) Yes, it's not the most original idea for a story, but I like to hope
that it'll be a good implementation of that idea. At the very least, it
should beat the current fillers in the anime for amusement value.
No joke. The Curry of Life arc dragged on WAY too long, and the next arc
doesn't look like much of an improvement.
At least there's a light at the end of the tunnel now, even if it's
still far away.
I'll C&C the first chapter shortly. Looking good so far!
I look forward to it, and I hope you continued to enjoy the story!
Thanks for commenting!