--- Michael P Hopcroft <michael@mphpress.com> wrote:

Taking a break from Osaka-sensei for what is probably a really nasty 
idea that I just couldn't help myself from taking off and running
with. 

Having written more than one dark AD fic myself, believe me, I
understand.  (Ironically, inspiration like this seems to come from the
very nature of fanfics: to explore sides that canon simply would never
explore.  AD itself, even if it were continued, would never ever go
here, yes?  Where these come from usually has nothing to do with
reaction to the results.)

WARNING: This is Not a comic AzuFic. It is dark, violent, sensual and
deals with difficult moral issues. It is obviously not part of
standard 
continuity.

Not sensual.  Not so difficult.  Not even that violent (although there
is some).  You might want to rephrase the second sentence as simply,
"It is dark, with bloodshed."  That should get the point across.

�This was a rotten time to run out of Green tea,�

The " characters here are non-standard.  It looks like Word (or
possibly some other program) inserted them for you.  I'd advise turning
that "feature" off - at least when you're writing fanfics.

In her intensive studies for the 
college entrance exams she had been neglecting her household duties,
one 
of which was to take care of some of the shopping.

Although this sentence helps establish continuity timeline-wise, it
seems rather wordy, and when in the series this takes place does not
seem to matter that much.  You might want to consider dropping it.

Crossing the park was no big deal to Yomi � she was a big girl, and
the 
park wasn't all that dangerous.

Suggest "was not": usually, narration (except when given, implicitly or
explicitly, by a character in the story) should avoid contractions and
other informal speech.

The worst she thought could happen
was a 
purse-snatcher, and she was only carrying just enough money to buy
the 
tea and a snack.

If Yomi's afraid of criminals, she seems aware enough that she'd at
least consider of the possibility of a rapist - unless she dismisses
such thoughts by knowing no such crimes have happened nearby recently,
or perhaps she's only worried about purse snatchings because those have
happened recently.

So when she heard footsteps behind her, she thought nothing of it. 
People walked thought he park at night. No problem.

"walked through the" - spacing.  Also, there should usually be two
spaces (not just one) between period and next sentence.

The the footsteps behind her quickened; That made her look back.

Semicolon does not break sentences.  Either change it to a period, or
change "That" to "that".

�It was the cop from the police box in the park. He carried you here,
and you were out cold. You'd passed out in the park, but the
paramedics 
didn't have any idea what happened and decided not to put you in the 
hospital.�

Here is where things start to falter.  The paramedics would pass on the
hospital only if:
* Yomi is declared already dead (in which case, she should be being
  prepped for funeral, no deathwatch would be necessary - though Tomo
  might be sitting next to her anyway, either grieving or refusing to
  believe Yomi is dead - and her waking up would be both unexpected and
  cause for celebration), or
* Yomi does not appear to have been seriously injured (in which case,
  while Tomo might wait by her bedside for her to wake up, no one would
  be seriously expecting her to die soon).

�Sorry, sorry. I know this is serious. Your mother even told me �If
you 
want to go ona death-watch or something that's fine, but I;m not
gonna 
join you. I don't have that capacity to handle pain.� I thought that
was 
a bit cold, but....�

Multiple punctuation errors here.  Corrected (look closely to catch
them all):

"Sorry, sorry.  I know this is serious.  Your mother even told me, 'If
you want to go on a death-watch or something that's fine, but I'm not
gonna join you.  I don't have that capacity to handle pain.'  I thought
that was  a bit cold, but..."

Your pulse
was 
so weak and your breathing was so shallow that they thought it would
be 
kinder to let you die in your own bed than in a hospital.

Hospitals can (and have been able to for decades) revive people with
no pulse and breathing.  (That's what CPR is all about.)  Weak pulse
and shallow breathing would, without question, cause paramedics to take
Yomi to the hospital.

That said, once she's at the hospital, the doctors might think her odds
slim, if they can not recognize her condition.  They would probably
have her on an IV drip - but make sure it's saline solution and not
plasma, so as to explain Yomi's thirst.  She might also be in a private
room, thus allowing most of the rest of this (including Tomo having
access to facilities to prepare - or maybe just warm up - miso soup,
and Yomi being able to drink from people without alerting security).

Tomo looked surprised. �taste? You mean you did eat something?�

Capitalize "Taste".

�Yeah. But I don't know i I'm strong enough to eat, though.�

"...know if I'm..."

�Just do it!� Tomo grabbed the nearest object that might possibly act
as 
a container, and Yomi leaned over it and violently threw up.

Suggest breaking this up.  Also, if Yomi is at a hospital, this
suggests a container for just such emergencies:

"Tomo grabbed a bedpan.  Yomi leaned over if and violently threw up."

�Yomi, baka! Don't you know how scared I am? I don't want you to die
on 
mje! Don't you dare die on me!�

"on me".  Also, you might want to show (not just say) Tomo's emotional
state with something like, "Tomo seized Yomi and looked her friend in
the eyes.  Tomo's usual calm demeanor was replaced with a mask of
terror."

�Yes. Yomi is dying, Tomo.

This could stay in whether Yomi was at the hospital or at home but not
expected to die.

�You think I haven't tried?!? I've called for help every fifteen
minuets 
for the last two damn days, and nobody came! Not the paramedics, not
my 
family doctor, nobody.

"minutes".  And, again, either Yomi would already be at the hospital,
or the paramedics would come in a jiffy.  Modern medicine does not
generally give up on someone until they are actually dead, or at least
are dying of well known and predictable causes.  (If vampirism was a
known cause, countermeasures would be supplied.)

You know what the hospital told
me? 
They told me they'd already signed Yomi's goddamn death certificate!

Although I do not know Japanese law well enough to know for certain, I
suspect this would be a gross violation of medical ethics and laws, and
be cause for any doctor doing that to be suspended from practice.

That said, the doctors may have tried everything they could think of
and given up.  But they would have tried, at least.  (Alternately,
Yomi's mother could have instructed them not to come, having inexpertly
determined that her daughter was dying and wanting her to die in peace.
That might cause some grumblings by said doctors, and the potential for
eventual legal proceedings, but in the short term they might obey a
signed order from Yomi's legal guardian, and relay this to Tomo when
she tries to call for an ambulance.)

�Oh my God, Yomi, what happened to your teeth!� Tomo screamed.

Grammar nit - comma-to-join overrides even an exclamation mark:

"Oh my God, Yomi, what happened to your teeth," Tomo screamed.

�Tomo!� she cried in despair and sorrow. �What have I done? Kami-sama
in 
Heaven, tell me -- what have I done?�

Single hyphen, not double, since you're using single hyphens everywhere
else.  (I'm not sure if double hyphens are ever correct these days.)

You can still to it, 

You meant, "You can still do it," right?

she was thinking she wouldn't be able to

Again, no contractions for narration: "would not".

�But why? What happened? I wasn't like this before....� Yomi was
struck 
with a sudden realization. �the park!

Since you're continuing the ellipsis: "...the park!

BTW, ellipses are three dots, not four (and they don't get a period
after them extending them to four).

�No, Tomo! For the last time, I am not going to kill you!

Forgot the end quote.

�Aww, you're a spoilsport, Yomi. Ruining my big dramatic sacrificial
exit.�

Actually, Tomo would seem likely to suggest that Yomi then give Tomo
some of Yomi's blood, so that Tomo would not die.  Possibly, Tomo might
even feign weakness, pretending that Yomi drank enough of her blood
that conversion to vampirism would be the only way to save her.  Yomi
might or might not see through her act.

Then again, perhaps Tomo convincing Yomi to convert her - with Yomi
battling against it, but eventually giving in, then wracking herself
for having done so even as Tomo brings in fresh prey for the both of
them - could be the central plot of part 2.  If you want to sprinkle a
bit of AD's surreality back in, you could have later parts be about
spreading it to the others, winding up with a (perhaps slightly
depopulated - which Yukari thought she would be slightly pleased by,
but perhaps discovers otherwise) homeroom full of vampires (who might
be surprised to discover they don't burn in sunlight).  If you take
that track, someone is eventually going to try feeding on synthetic
blood - maybe leading to a happy ending (or at least no more deaths by
feeding), or not.

My God, Tomo, what if I were to suddenly get really
thirsty 
and kill Chiyo-chan?

My apologies, but I have to:

"Now in convenient snack size!"

^_^

She filtrated
on 
Tomo's neck,

I think you meant "fixated" instead of "filtrated".

Her mother, dressed
in 
black entered the room and looked up.

It looks like you need a comma after "black".

Anyway...aside from the grammar nits, and the hospital problem (a
serious problem as things are, but fixable as noted), not too bad.  I
wouldn't mind seeing it continued.  (Then again, perhaps the potential
to appreciate dark AD is something like vampirism...)

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