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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: c7c31.txt
-- Desc: 3671174292-c7c31.txt
On 4/22/05, Ace <aceatheist@yahoo.co.uk> wrote:
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even my shoes.
Then you must be a happy man.
Chapter 7 � Object Lessons
Ah, yes. No more formatting errors! (cries tears of happiness) And look! Spaces before each paragraph to add readability! Yay! :P On the other hand, the smart quotes leaves much to be desired, but a plain text reformatting and turning off the autocorrect defaults when using Word will fix that in a jiffy.
(ahem) Ctrl-V! And now for the latest one... Ask and ye shall receive. The standard disclaimers from the previous C&C I gave you apply here too. So as per usual, blah, blah, blah grain of salt, blah, blah, blah, use what you can use, ignore the rest, blah, blah, blah, reserve right to be wrong, blah, blah, blah... ^v^
One ajar slat was sufficient to allow a minute stream of light to dance
its ways across the frowzy room.
Suggest: Change 'ways' into 'way' (singular, no 's')
Like the eyes of a single portrait on a
wall, the little invading ray inevitably found its way to the exposed
eye line of the vulnerable figure that lay prostrate on the floor.
The eyes of a portrait can do that? ?_?
Before the eager shaft could prove that not all gigantic fiery heavenly
bodies of flaring gas have purely benign intentions,
Er, what does the sun care about Genma? It's still benign.
Author: But my beautiful prose...!
(patpat)
the sprawled form
gradually sat up. He loosed
Suggest: let loose
a grunt less indicative of rising from a
refreshing night�s sleep, than say, recovering from spatula induced
unconsciousness.
I have no words.
Genma groaned as he became aware not only of the throbbing resulting
from cranium/blunt instrument interaction, but of the congenital soreness
Obviously 'congenital' here isn't used to mean 'present at birth', but its other meaning, 'habitual', is inappropriate a description for the soreness. If you instead meant, 'ingrained', then why not simply use the adjective 'ingrained' to substitute 'congenital'?
and aching that results from spending one�s night face down in the
�promise-pose� position. It was a wonder that his fingers hadn�t cramped.
Grimacing, Genma alternated between patting gently at his abused skull,
and inefficiently fumbling around in search of his wayward spectacles.
A little over a minute of myopic prodding resulted in success.
Okay, I still have no words. Katsu no Miko may have several words of advice, though:
[Purple prose
"It sat on the window sill, glittering silver and the green of jungles in the hazy morning light. Sparks of incandescent beauty fell from its sides, shattering along the walls, floor, and the warm brown wood of my magnificent desk. Round is the most perfect of shapes, one with no beginning or end, I reflected, like the never-ending cycle of all life, never pausing. Then again, I always do get maudlin before I drink my morning can of Mt. Dew..." You have here an example of prose that has been smothered until it turned purple. This might work if you're getting paid by the word and are attempting to squeeze a couple extra bucks out of a story, but also keep in mind that I've yet to meet anyone that truly enjoyed reading "Moby Dick." (Which was a story that could have been written in a paragraph or less.) Don't get stuck on your descriptions; you might feel great if you can write lovely, flowery prose, but it's a struggle to read.]
I must also note that, up until this moment, you haven't been "strangling the prose until it turns purple", even though you have a penchant for non-pusillanimous use of thesaurus words. ;) The simple format of your prose from the earlier chapters did make your vocab words stand out all the more, but at least it wasn't purplish.
You don't need to make every last paragraph beautiful when simply being straightforward about it should suffice. A general rule of thumb for simplifying prose is that if Joey (from Friends) can understand it, then it's good.
But OTOH (and that's a BIG on the other hand), I did mention in my previous C&C that the purple prose goes well with the vocab words, ne? ;) So... your call.
The elder
Saotome groggily replaced his glasses and glared balefully at the softly
breathing form of his �son�, loosely curled into a one-hundred pound
Suggest: a hundred pound ('a one-hundred pound' sounds redundant to me)
ball beneath her musty blanket. Still scowling he prepared to snort
disgustedly. For a true snort should not be performed on the fly, but
requires preparation and technique, heck, Tendo�s remarkable �Demon Head�
ki illusionary �attack�, was in essence, simply an insanely exaggerated
snort.
I disagree, Mr. Saotome. It's not so much a snort as, say, scaring the bejeezus out of your opponent by means of manifesting your anger. I think Akane inherited that trait from her father.
spatula to disarm the surprised chef. Her spatula clanged softly on the
dust-cushioned floor.
Woah. (applauds) That certainly clears your fic from Genma bashing. Genma actually able to kick ass! (amazed)
The bald martial artist grinned cockily as he leveled
I'm confused. If you're using the non-yankee spelling, then shouldn't 'leveled' be 'levelled'? ?_?
Ukyo�s second
heavy spatula at her. When it came tosparring,
Kuso. -_-
Formatting error for tosparring
disarmed an opponent, they were in a world of trouble if happened to be
I think you're missing a 'he' in between 'if' and 'happened'.
She had to give it to Pops. He�d been waking both Ranma and she at pre-
dawn hours for sparring as long as they could both remember, and yet
when they returned the favour (which they�d quite taken quite avidly to
in the past few years), he invariably turned the tables on them and
administered a lesson limning why they were the students and he the
teacher.
Genma may be a lot of things, but he's no slouch when it comes to teaching the arts. Given students with great potential, he could do wonders. Granted, he could also induce incredible trauma to his pupils, but he can do wonders nonetheless.
held and adroitly fell backward into a roll.She gasped ashe used her own
momentum to extemporaneously tossher beyond him on a direct course for
the room�s single rickety window.
There's a helluvalot of formatting errors on those three lines.
Rather than the anticipated barrage, Ranma treated her
companions to a tremendous yawn, still holding Ukyo in her small arms.
Heh.
was far too sweet in Genma�s opinion, as she headed towards the dubious
WC
WC?
The Look unerringly sliced into the
bald martial artist.
Suggest: sliced into the bald martial artist's heart. Cheesy, I know, but adding 'heart' goes well with the rather cheesy sentence. ;)
Genma felt somewhat like an earthworm before a
sparrow... No, reconsidered the elder Saotome. That analogy was
insufficient. He felt likean earthworm before a six-year old.
Formatting error for likean. And it doesn't necessarily follow that a six-year old would torture an earthworm. IMO, a six-year old boy with a magnifying glass at noon definitely would, though.
�I don�t care who started it. You�re supposed to be an adult, aint�cha?�
I dunno if I should bother correcting this, but shouldn't that be "ain't 'cha" or "ain'tcha"?
�Yeah, that�s the waterproof soap.� Genma stood dumbfounded, as she
I don't think you need the comma after 'dumbfounded'.
innocent manner, which under other circumstances would have signaled to
Genma that something was rotten in the state of Denmark.
O_o What about Denmark?
(imagine Yma Sumac if she were a chunky Japanese Martial Artist with a
penchant for Perry Como) emitted from the WC.
WC... Yma Sumac... Perry Como... (sigh) Must be an inside joke of the author or something.
Ignoring the cacophonous wailing, Ranma turned to Ukyo, who was
awkwardly drying his hair while trying to avoiding dislodging the
while trying to avoid dislodging the
�Damn,� grumbled the redhead, �and I was looking forward toa hot shower.�
Formatting error for toa
She looked appraisingly at Ukyo. �Do you want me to help you with that?�
indicating Ukyo�s ungainly efforts to dry his pythonic braid.
Suggest: replace "pythonic braid" with "python-like/serpentine braid"
�Could you, Ranchan?� he asked gratefully. She nodded agreeably.
So many adverbs... @_@
and rolled throughout the mass of Ukyo�s dark hair. They moved with Ukyo,
reminding Ranma of Christmas Lights.
Okashi na... Ranma's Christmas Lights metaphor makes me think of Ukyo wearing a head of Christmas Lights instead of a head of hair. What a weird point of comparison. ^^;;;
looks really, y�know, pretty?� She released a deepbreath, her shoulders
Formatting error for deepbreath
Ukyo beamed at the compliment. Especially when it was coming from
somebody, who made him plain by comparison.
Suggest: Get rid of the comma after 'somebody' and, as an added bonus suggestion, revise the sentence into: Especially when it was coming from somebody who made him feel plain by comparison.
the sound of Ranma...giggling? Yes. A full on and _terribly_ amused
Extra space in between 'and' and '_terribly_'
small finger at the chef�s midriff, while trying unsuccessfully to clap
I don't think you need the comma after 'midriff'.
�Okay, okay,� grumbled the redhead without any heat, as she smiled
contentedly.
I also don't think you need the comma after 'heat'.
Grabbing a towel propped herself bodily on the bed.
I believe you lack a ', Ranma' or ', she' in between 'towel' and 'propped'.
off guard when Ukyo sighed serenly.
Change 'serenly' to 'serenely'
genders like that cannot help.� Ranma snorted playfully,
I'm really curious... How does one snort playfully?
purring again. This didn�t prevent the occasional blissfulbreath at the
Formatting error for blissfulbreath
redhead�s efforts. Those littleknuckles really got the job done. The
Formatting error for littleknuckles
a trail of gooseflesh from nape to collarbone; the illicited chill
Change illicited to elicited
failed to subdue the quiver that accompanied it. The shiverdidn�t
Formatting error for shiverdidn't
�Kami-sama,� Ukyo near silently gasped as he realised that his goose
bumps were not his body�s only reaction to Ranma�s ministrations.
Ranma: I know the feeling. (thinks for a bit) Ew.
ear. Ranma absently noted that it was lobeless, as she carefully brushed
back a stray lock of chestnut hair to reveal a single freckle at the
tip of the round cusp.
This fic is beginning to read like a Harlequin Romance Novel, except the couples have interchangeable genders.
her companion. Ranma felt her forehead lightly tickled by stray strands
of Ukyo�s dark, unbrushed
Suggest: Unruly (because unlike unbrushed, you can actually look up unruly in a dictionary)
As Genma emerged from the WC.In a triumphant posehe yelled,
Er, there're lotsa errors here. The first sentence is a fragment. Also, there's a formatting error for WC.In and posehe.
them. While Genma praised himself a second time, the aqua-transsexual
Ah yes. Fandom's term for Ranma's condition.
his eyes. �And to think you tried to keep this cure from me Ranma.
This time, you're actually missing a comma in between 'me' and 'Ranma'.
~You lousy- ~
Oh, it's them again! (gets a bathroom break)
~Well, not _per se_, but whose to say what will and will not affect
causality and the ever-turbulent existential vicissitudes that span and
fuel reality?~
Ah. Causality. Merovingian of Matrix Fame would be proud.
�You understand?� demanded Ranma.
Suggest: "Understand?" demanded Ranma.
Genma frowned, which
seemed strange on his manically grinning face.
Nonsense. Genma frowns quite a bit. He ain't like The Joker who has a 'congenital' smile plastered on his face.
�Generally: do girls wear girl underwear?� Ranma blinked audibly and
frowned at the non-sequiter.
non-sequitur
�Well, yeah. Of course they -� Ranma suddenly found herself in apit
Formatting error for apit
He could easily have noted that Ukyo wears boxers and be done with it, but nooo...
Ukyo: I don't wear boxers!
Ranma: (listening intently) So what type of underwear do you wear when you're a girl?
See? Win-win situation.
of her own making, as the Cheshire cat formally known as Ukyo unleased
Change 'unleased' to 'unleashed'
in mostly mock agaitation,
Change 'agaitation' to 'agitation'
unceremoniously blew in her ear, eliciting a straight ten-foot vertical l
eap
Formatting error for the letter 'l' and 'eap'. Please combine these two together.
Two-headed Monsters from Sesame Street: Llll... eap. Llll... eap. Llll... eap...
from the younger Saotome. Ukyo simpered, as he caught the redhead in
his arms
Suggest: Ukyo simpered as he caught...
Thinking on her husband, she sighed wistfully. Hewas
Formatting error for Hewas
She knew that size did not always equate to power. Take thisbrute she
Formatting error for thisbrute
�Tri...ple Bond Re... con...struc...tor. For life...less..limp...
shag ...gy...hair...there.. is... no...better... sham..poo...� Suddenly
her teeth clenched in rage, and she snarled, �You... you man! You dare
insult Shampoo! Shampoo greatest and most beautiful warrior of all of
Joketsuzoku! You die!�
Meh. Slightly amusing, but not deserving of a 'Heh'.
�shampoo girl�s swings.
you're missing a quotation mark after the word 'shampoo'.
Duck, lean back. What was there to dislike about
Ranma? She has the most flawless creamy skin.
Ryoga: She also used to be a guy I spent my time in Junior High with... Naaaah, minor detail...
trouble you for a tissue?� There. He smiled...then blinked. The girl
looked a mess.
looked like a mess.
be right. Leap, parry. What would anybody have done to get her so upset?...
Akane: Baka! You insulted her hair!
Sayuri: (nods sagely) A girl's hair is a very important part of her life!
the heck colour hair did Ranma have again?
Ryoga: (opens up a bag of skittles) Now which one of these skittles resembles Ranma's hair color the most?
Apparently, you're using a mix of anime and manga in your story. To claim the use of both types of canon renders canon complaints moot, ne?
Cartwheel. Dodge.
Robin Hood, Men in Tights: Parry, thrust, parry... Very good!
Ah, he supposed
it didn�t matter. Dodge, leap, duck, parry, sidestep. After all, her hair
colour didn�t change the size � the perkiness of her... �Miss, I really
that tissue, if you have it,� he said with eyes a little glazed over.
You're missing a 'need' in between 'really' and 'that' Suggest: "Miss, I really need that tissue,
�AAAAARRGGGGGHHHH! SHAMPOO KILLLLLLL!�
Hulk: Shampoo or kill? Hulk not understand. ?_?
Akane: If you must know, I've been selling my fanfic bitch pills recently.
Asuka: And it FUCKING WORKS!
She screamed her from the depths
She screamed her what?
Ryoga: She screamed her as... (mind goes to the gutter) Oh gawd! Tissue! Now!
Ryoga was
Extra space in between 'Ryoga' and 'was'
�Yes! Yes, them. Where they!�
Suggest: "Where they?" or "Where they?!"
Having appraised this girl, Ryoga felt she�d
be no threat what so ever
whatsoever
�Seriously, why doesn�t this freaking pervert go bother the blondes or
brunettes once in a while?�
Ryoga: Because they have hair color that actually occur in nature... Pffft, who needs those freaks! It's the skittle women who I want!
to a level where he truly beginning to feel as though some external force was
to a level where he was truly
"Ach lassies! Will'n yer be givin' me a bloomin' chance t'explain misself!"
(crickets chirping) wtf?
their reactions. "You look like a bunch'a Rangers fans who just heard ye were
down three-nil to Dundee United at half time."
Author inside joke number two, I'm guessin'.
Author: Aye, laddie.
Batter & Curses Fan: What's your prob? I get it!
Good for you.
What was principally contributing to his grouchiness was that he currently wetter
than Jacque Cousteau's submarine during a rainstorm.
Ah.
for warm water, but felt Ranma may have thought he was tomrenting her.
Change 'tomrenting' to 'tormenting'
Ranma: (blinkies) Maybe it's a formatting error?
(eyebrow raised) "Tom renting?" Tom renting what?
"Are you sure?" she asked uneasily. "I mean, if there's anything else we need,"
Suggest: "I mean, if there's anything else we need..." (replace comma with an ellipsis)
Ukyo's puckered brow transformed into smiling eyes
What... lip-like eyes Ukyo has.
as an idea struck him.
Grabbing his startled friend 's
extra space in between 'friend' and the apostrophe 's.'
"How about," began Ukyo tapping a slim index finger thoughtfully against his
Revise: "How about," began Ukyo, tapping...
"So let me get this straight," announced the cock-eyed
Suggest: cockeyed
"And during this time, in addition to at least two dozen various locations
in China and South-East Asia, you've also visited," she motioned for
shorthaired girl holding a pen and writing pad to speak.
"Australia." The tall girl held up a souvenir Sydney Opera House
figure, sarcastically commenting,
"Exhibit 'A'. You sure you don't know Mel Gibson?" He shook his
head insistently as the girl with the writing pad's eyes became
starry again, before continuing to read from the pad.
"Disneyland." A figure of cartoon duck on the Eiffel tower was produced.
"Disneyland Paris," corrected the shorthaired girl as she read on.
Heh. Okay, now that deserved a chuckle.
"Utter crap?" suggested dustpan girl sweetly. His head fell.
Suggest: suggested the dustpan girl sweetly.
"Surveillance equipment? In a locker room?" asked the leader dryly.
"Wait," interjected writing pad girl. Seeing she had the group's
attention, she asked, "There are security cameras in the hall, right?"
I have to ask... What's the point of this little ongoing scene? Because, IMO, it has about as much point to me as the Viscera-singing-to-Lillian scenes a few months ago on Raw...
<<snip the "Why? Why the hell do we need to know what Fate and Karma thinks?" scene>>
"Ah, 'tis nay bother," Ryoga gestured appeasingly.
I don't think 'appeasingly' is a word.
He stood,
shouldering his pack. "Ah best me on me way from here." He made to
leave, but on impulse enquired, "Afore I be goin', ah may as well ask
where here is." Writing pad girl answered.
Suggest: where he is," Writing pad girl answered. (speech indicator)
"That's our insane principal's fault. Everything he does has to have
a hair theme to it."
Ah. Okay. Principal Kuno's pre-Furinkan days.
"Good luck," they called after him. Dustpan girl chimed,
"We hope you find your... girlfriends..."
Silence reigned as the assembled girls exchanged glances.
"He WAS a pervert! Get back here!"
Er... ^^;;
o-o-o
"This is weird," complained Ranma
You should have been reading the above scene. It'd redefine your understanding of weird, Ranma.
as the cursed couple made their
way to the store the redhead (and the brunet) had bookmarked. They
taken a detour on the way at another establishment and procured
had taken a detour...
this _verbal_ phase by the time they returned to Japan.
What verbal phase?
Ukyo was the one acting strangely. What was he thinking, gawking at
her in the middle of the street like that?
Shades of Ranma's clueless self at play. Really, Ranma... after being a guy, you still have no idea why a guy would look at a girl that way?
Ukyo: (eyes half-lidded) Are you kidding? Ranma has no idea why a girl would look at her that way, what more a guy?
"Before that," amended Ukyo. "Anyway, you're going to have to realize
that the sports bra isn't the only concession to..." How to say this?
"Muliebrity," he decided, "that you'll have to make."
Albert Brooks (Finding Nemo): You're cute, but I don't know what you're saying!
"Yeah?"
"You asked me to tell you if it happened," he explained. "Your arms
are akimbo again." Ranma just looked at him.
You're missing a line space in between "Yeah?" and the paragraph following "Yeah?"
"A-what-what?"
Ranma: Is it an Osakan term I haven't heard before? Is it an animal or a vegetable?
"Really?" asked the redhead in surprise.
"Of course," he gushed back.
"Be afraid," she warned ominously.
Cute. "Male Ukyo to female Ranma" isn't really my idea of a fanservicey pair, but that scene still remained cute and sweet, save for the gawking Ukyo. Congrats.
"Sugar," began the spatula-wielding boy. "You're guy side is about a
"Your guy side is about a
"Er... sorry," he apologised in the face of Ranma's unamused
Replace unamused with something else, 'coz AFAIK you can't just randomly tag the 'un' prefix with every last verb out there... There has to be precedent of it being commonly used.
"Nice," he answered in his jet black slacks and slippers, a sleeveless
silk, red tang fastened up his chest. "Very nice, indeed." Ranma beamed.
Since the point is fanservice during the R&U scenes, the conflict is of course absent. So the conflict would have to come from outside sources instead of rust from the relationship, ne?
"Domo, Ucchan."
Mr. Roboto: Zenzen.
of their discussion. "Even though it ain't, isn't," she corrected
herself, "really a cure.
(blinks) Why the self-corrections on grammar, Ranma?
"I'll give him the soap in the mornin', and he'll use it for sure. But
do you remember what the old geezer said?" Ranma asked. She was unable
to keep all traces of ire from her tone at the mention of the proprietor
of the Dragon Whisker supplying restaurant. The taller girl frowned
momentarily and replied,
Er, what's the point of this disjointed and out of place flashback? By now, the readers should have figured that out. For those who didn't, they'd probably prefer to have this flashback as not a flashback. They'd prefer the scenes done in chronological order, even. Personally? A mere mention during the shopping scenes would suffice. The whole flashback reads far too... extraneous for me.
adopted a self-satisfied look. "Because he won't be expecting any change,
he won't be ready with that technique of his that stops his clothes from
being ripped apart."
Genma has a technique like that?
Genma: (nods sagely) Miki Mido begged me day and night for the secret to that technique...
"Of course!" remembered Ukyo. "Cousin Megumi." She and her husband ran a
decent sized Okonomiyaki restaurant downtown, just a pair the of the many
I think you're missing several words in the second line above. What those words are, I have no idea.
I've never even met, seem to know Pops' rather 'unsavoury' reputation?"
"I noticed that," answered the redhead amused by the sugarcoated terminology
I believe you're missing a line space in between "...rather 'unsavoury' reputation?" and "I noticed that..."
the past few years. Especially with Ucchan and she maturing enough to recognise
one of his harebrained ideas from a mile away.
And again, the Saint on Prozac Ukyo is the key to a better Genma, or even a better everybody. :P
But that hadn't prevented all
many of petty thievery while Ucchan and she were still little kids. She
"hadn't prevented all many of petty thievery" sounds wrong. Suggest revising.
Nonetheless, she couldn't fault him for his Tsubasa pummelling skills.
Hibiki could get lost in a corridor with only one end, yet had an
unerring ability to see through the transvestite's most intricate
disguises. The odd thing was that when Tsubasa chose not to disguise
himself, instead donning street clothes � which in Kurenai's case
likely consisted of a sundress and bonnet � Ryoga was unremittingly fooled.
Heh.
It'd be a shame that Tsubasa's going to be a throwaway reference... and if he isn't a throwaway reference, then how about not expounding so much about his history in this little monologuish exposition?
"Well, I can't really get angry," admitted the woman, fiddling with
her own massive spatula. "From what I hear, its almost impossible not
Revise: "From what I hear, it's almost impossible not
"Your expression was priceless!" Wheezed the chef.
Suggest: wheezed the chef.
Okay, it's a nonstandard speech indicator, but I think you can get away with it. Or you can replace it with:
The chef wheezed.
The panda's signed bore the twentieth letter of the alphabet
Good for him to have adapted the English language strictly for cussing purposes.
as his gi ripped,
and his presence in that particular area became slightly more more welcome
Repetition of the word 'more'.
Meanwhile,a furiously dodging Genma somehow found the time to reflect that
Formatting error for Meanwhile,a
MAYBE there was something to what his son had said about the soap's
reliability, after all.
I might as well have copy-pasted my comments from my last C&C to this C&C. This chapter's tone, content, and structure is basically the same save for a noticeable improvement on the in-between formatting errors (though it would have been better if they weren't any, but congratulations on getting rid of most of 'em) and the appearance of *gasp* purple prose. It is also rougher than the previous chapters (lots more dangling and incomplete sentences, as if this chapter wasn't reread after it was written). But it isn't without its good points. I loved the fact that you took note of Genma's good points in this fic, convincing me that you're not out to bash him. Ryoga's scene with Shampoo was slightly amusing, I guess. Oh, and the cloyingly saccharine Ukyo-Ranma scenes does have its genuinely touching moments. And, like the three first chapters, this chapter _is_ mildly amusing. :)
In any case, the fanservice has been taken up a notch or two from last time, as I predicted. I had trouble keeping myself interested in the contents of this fic, which I also predicted. Nevertheless, there are people who love the fanservice, and they have the right to enjoy the fanservice, the fandom terms, the pop culture references and whatnot. So consider my opinion on the genre completely moot. Let's move on to stuff that can be changed and fixed upon your jurisdiction.
Commas: Learn to use them properly.
Using complex words when simpler words would suffice: I suggest you start training on using simpler words on the future chapters. Why? For the sake of readability, of course... Unless you have that much faith in your readers on appreciating your prose the same way you would. It's simple. Try to speak to the reader as if you're writing an informal, loose email to them, only spellchecked and formatted. Your reply to my C&C showed that you _do_ have a penchant for being straightforward and simple, despite what your friends may say. Do that in your prose too. Be frank! Candid! Blunt! ;) Also, as much as possible _do_ _not_ let your wordiness spill into the dialogue. Genma telling Ranma that he should be generous by words other than 'generous' increases my disbelief.
Purple prose: It mostly goes hand in hand with your thesaurus words, but author discretion is still advised. If you believe the scene calls for descriptive prose because of its grandness/if you want to make a tongue-in-cheek joke/whatnot, then go for it. OTOH, if the scene calls for simpler terms and readable prose, you can start making use of simpler terms. Learning to use simpler terms and straightforward prose as well as Milton-like poetry-in-prose makes for a well-balanced fic, I believe.
Pronouns: They're your friends. Use them more and balance them out with the 'bandanna boy/Anything Goes Master/redheaded girl/chef/Amazon' name substitutes.
Formatting errors: Perhaps this has been completely eliminated in chapter eight. Okay, then. Just look out for them by good ol' editing, proofreading etc. _by yourself_. The author should be the best editor of a fic, I believe. Oh, and I also suggest getting prereaders, if you haven't already.
[Soapbox: Personally, I just don't and can't 'get it.' What I mean is that I couldn't, for the life of me, get into the supposed lighthearted fanservicey spirit of this fic. I don't get the humor of partially lobotomizing Ryoga so that he'd act like Kuno, or his meeting with the Hawaiian Girls. The Irish jokes/references/whatever whizzed past me most... no, all of the time, and I don't particularly find having a female Ranma caressing a male Ukyo as anything remotely interesting/not slightly disturbing. I find the pop culture references distracting. I will say that I am morbidly curious how you'd handle the Tendo engagement, but I'd be as hopelessly deluded as a Ranma-Kodachi fan to think that the later chapters won't have more of the stuff previously mentioned.]
Kudos to you for making a fic which you and your fans would enjoy fully. As such, I wish you luck on your future ficcing endeavors and I do hope you keep on entertaining your ficcy, fanboy fans with the fanservicey slants of your fic. Looking forward to/dreading the C&C of chapter 8. In short, keep on writing.
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