The previous revised chapter in Aurora read fine. Adjustments worked for me. 
Now on to the new bit:

Nugar wrote:

Zack whistled quitely

quietly (perhaps?)

In the Forest Ring, trees have two crowns.


It was Jurai's oldest colony, located a mere light year
away from their home planet.  Long, long ago, when their first
three sluggish reaction ships left the planet on a mission of
exploration, the early explorers found a system unlike any other,
a gigantic ring of breathable atmosphere without benefit of land.
Gases had escaped from one of the system's few planets, and each
molecule of air had its own orbit around the system's binary
stars.  Strangely enough, there were enough air molecules in
roughly the same orbit to result in an impossibly huge ring of
atmosphere, thousands of times bigger than any planet and home to
all manner of unusual life, living in weightless space.

How convienent. :)

Much to the delight of the early explorers, one of the most
unusual, and common, forms of life were the giant space trees
that floated through the ring, arranged around the sun like a
spokes

like the spokes

of a wheel and giving it its name.  These trees not only

provided shelter and a place to land, their ecosystems provided
food and drink, and gravity of a sort.  The home planet collapsed
under the weight of its population and civil turmoil before any
more progress was made in colonization, but those first explorers
were still there, growing, expanding, and learning.

Strangely, the people of the Forest Ring found themselves
at peace.  Squabbles were few and uncommon, mostly limited to
concrete disputes over food ('Hey!  I called dibs on that bird
wing first!'), space ('I was sitting there first!'), and mates
('You've been cheating on me, haven't you?!').

Heh

Even now, a hundred thousand years later, after over a
hundred planets had been colonized and Jurai had been restored
from total devastation, over a third of all Juraians lived in the
Forest.


Zack hated it, of course.  While he could admire the scope
and harmony of the colony, it still represented the people who
had destroyed his own in a feirce,

fierce

 if somewhat one-sided, war a

little over six centuries before.

Zack was not a Juraian.  However, he would have quickly
slit anyone's throat who knew what he really was.

Hmm. Interesting

 He had skin

just a few shades paler than the average Juraian, with short,
spiky brown hair which also wasn't common among true Juraians.
His features, though, were simian enough that all it took was a
pair of inert contact lenses, which changed his eyes to brown, to
enable him to pass unnoticed.  Although a head higher than
average, he looked like any of a billion other inhabitants of the
Forest.

He continued his journey up the tree.  The small colony
transport ship he'd arrived on had docked at the weightless
middle of the tree, where most of the docks were located.  This
forced Zack to walk on a moving sidewalk

walk--sidewalk a bit redundent. how about ...Zack to use a moving...

Zack doubled his body

he made a copy of himself?

 and spun, now falling feet-first

toward the tree and still munching on his fruit.  There was only
a single, unoccupied corridor running the length of the trunk
before him, and he intended to hit right beside it.  His target
destination

drop 'target'

 > Docked between the opposite tree and the tree he was own

on

Zack smiled.  The Souja was a truly amazing ship, and it
would be even more amazing when he got through with it.  But
first, a few last minute design changes needed to be fed to the
construction crew.

Hmm. How sinister

A tasteful holographic sign caught his eye as he neared the
checkpoint, advertising drink and companionship.  Zack slowed his
purposful strides as he neared the opening to what he saw as a
large, claustrophobic orchard.  The companionship didn't interest
him in the slightest, but it had been a long time since he last
had a drink of something besides water or juice.  In fact, he'd
never actually been in a bar before.

I think this might be bad for him.

The bartender nodded, a faint smile of wicked glee sneaking
onto her otherwise apathetic features.  "Yep.  Seems she got in a
squabble with the space pirate Ryoko over some cute little
barbarian and wound up on a short leash."

Heh. So this is going to come back and bite her in the ass in more ways than 
one

"Fight's up!" the bartender called to the rest of the bar.

Immediately there was a scuffling and punching for sound,
as well as private screens at individual tables.

"This fight not only marks the return of both our missing
star, Ryoko, and that of our missing Princess Ayeka, it also
gives us remarkable insight into their private lives."

Heh

The picture of Ayeka was replaced by another sill,

still

Zack gaped in astonishment.  Her eyes!  Yellow, catlike
eyes!  They were exactly like the ones that stared back at him
when he looked in a mirror, a feature he took care to disguise
when traveling in the Juraian Empire.  And now that he knew what
to look for, he saw it.

"Princess..."

Hmmm. Nice way to open things up and spike the reader's interest. I'm eager 
to read more later.

DB Sommer 



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