Thank you for your lengthly C&C

On 6/3/05, rgorman@telusplanet.net <rgorman@telusplanet.net> wrote:

Quoting Loki-L <loki.laufeyjarson.ffml@gmail.com>:

"I am just saying that you don't need to be able to fight. You have
me!"
Ranma tried to explain. "You just sit tight when some prince or
pervert
abducts you, and your father will make me rescue you in no time"

Ranma's comfortable assumption that Akane only has to worry about
people abducting her because nobody will ever actually want to hurt
her is a dangerous one.

It is mostly based on Ranma's selective memory of past events.
 

"At Jusenko I swore, that I would no longer idly stand by while

stray comma.  Also, I believe you are misspelling that placename,
although I haven't read the story in question.

I deleted the comma and corrected the spelling.

you
fight." Akane brought up the vow she had made while she was a
prisoner of
the phoenix people.

As phrased is a trifle redundant.  Perhaps "She'd made the vow
while being held captive by the phoenix people".  And is "phoenix
people" a proper name?

I wanted to combine a version of "Akane said" with an explanation of why
she said it. If I had written "...Akane metioned the vow..." or
"...Akane said refering to the vow..." it would not have been much
better. Maybe I will rephrase this part completely to make it clearer.

"You think that I can't take care of myself? I am a martial artist,
too!
I don't need your help you stupid pervert!" Akane was so angry by

Needs a comma after "help".

Right! "You stupid pervert" is the address here, isn't it.
 

"I would not dream of it. In fact I forbid you to interfere in my
fights.
And I will tell daddy not to waste any of your precious time by

Daddy

My capitaliaztion is almost as bad as my punctuation. When it is used
as a name it gets capitalized.

And it looked like the next idiot might already be in town.
Ranma's
intelligence network (Konatsu) had informed him that a group of
foreigners
from some tiny semi-mystical Kingdom were setting up a lair in
Nerima.
They probably were looking to kidnap a bride for their prince.

Maybe they just want someone to impersonate their kidnapped
princess, or kill Happosai.

 
Ranma is jumping to conclusions here, but that is totally in character
and given his past history with foreign princes not really such a big leap.
 

Europeans were a nice change of pace after all these mystical
Chinese
kingdoms that nobody had ever heard about. At least Ranma assumed
they
were Europeans. They could be Americans for all he knew even if
they
looked more like knights than cowboys. Did they have any tiny
kingdoms in
America?

Yes, but the inhabitants are Mayans according to Doc Savage.

Hah!

Those question and others Ranma mused on as he slowly worked his
way
through the guards.

Ranma was starting to have doubts about this being the lair of a
foreign
noble with ambition to abduct himself a tomboy bride, when some of
the
commanders started giving orders and the guards retreaded. Ranma

retreated

Right, retreaded would have been something else involving tires.

He had a secret lair that nobody was using at the moment and all
the other
props he needed. A prince in an iron mask from some faraway country

far-away

Are you sure about this? Dictionary.com recognizes faraway as one word.

Meanwhile Kasumi tried to calm things down a bit by changing the
subject.
"Who was it that took her, somebody we know? If it is one of
Ranma's
friends, maybe we could send a message and explain things them."

to them

And I'm not sure what things Kasumi has in mind.
Now if it was a stranger looking to draw Ranma out into a duel,
then they could just explain that Ranma isn't rescuing Akane this
week, but is willing to accept any and all challenges.

I was thinking along the lines of explaining to someone like Pantyhose
or Mousse that Ranma can't come and rescue Akane at the moment.
The problem with a stranger would be that they would not know their
reasons and where to send the meassge that Ranma can't come out
play right now.

I might have to change that so that it makes more sense.
 

"No dice, Sis." Nabiki immediately crushed Kasumi's plan of solving
this
crisis by peaceful means. "It was not somebody we know. Witnesses
describe
the kidnapper as wearing an iron mask. He had what has been
identified as
the crest of Lichtenburg on his cape and was dressed in
European-looking
armor."

"Lichtenburg?" Kasumi wondered.

"The Duchy of Lichtenburg is a tiny European nation in the Alps."
Nabiki
promptly replied. "Main exports: cheese, nail clippers and drunken
tourists. Main imports... err... sober tourists." She guessed the
last
part, but was still clearly satisfied with having impressed
everyone with
her vast knowledge of things she had just looked up.

"Actually," Nodoka corrected her. "Lichtenburg is a principality
and they
are far more well known for their mercenaries than for their
multi-purpose
manicure tools."

Ranma was glad to finally have found out where those idiots had
been from.
He had fashioned a cape from one of their flags as part of his
disguise.

"Do you remember making any enemies from there?" Nabiki addressed
Ranma
wanting to bring this discussion back on track.

Ranma tried to look thoughtful for a minute. He had not had any
enemies
from there until he stormed their secret headquarter and disrupted

headquarters

It is one of those tricky plural only words and 'headquater' slipped though the
spellchecker because it is the verb.

After a brief struggle during which Akane tried to hit, kick,
scratch,
bite and finally knee her captor in the groin,

Fortunately the outfit comes with a codpiece, disguising another of
Ranma's proportions.

Hah! Hadn't thought of that. Ranma could have used something like that to
further intimidate Akane, but it might have backfired and given her unrealistic
expectations.

Ranma managed to

subdue her
and chain her to some convenient shackles on the cell wall.

After another attempted kick below his belt Ranma even remembered
to stay
out of the reach of her chains.

"Welcome to my castle, my bride to be," Ranma finally boomed over

bride-to-be

Akane's
chain-rattling and cursing in what he hoped would be a suitable

suitably

I used both of the above corrections.

Coming from the dark dungeon she had to shield her eyes against the
glare
of the sun overhead when they finally reached the courtyard inside
the
castle's walls.

Glare of the sun overhead?  They're inside a building.  At most there'd
be the glare of a spotlight overhead.

That is another thing that I will have to rewrite. The image I had in my head
was that the empty shell of the office-building forms a sort of giant glasshouse
over the castle giving it the appearnce that it actually is standing somewhere
outside. Akane doesn't notice that she is still inside a building because she
does not look up into the sun. I think I even mentioned a glass roof at some
point. I will have to add some more descriptions to make things clearer.

Ranma was relieved, he had been beginning to worry, but before he
could
start to gloat over his fallen opponent Akane continued in a small
voice:
"Are you going to make me marry you know?"

now?

Ouch!  I will correct that.

This was not how it was supposed to go! First she was too stubborn
to
admit defeat and now she was kneeling in front of him defeated,
looking
at him with big eyes like she was about to cry and willing to go
along
with whatever her captor said just because she had lost a fight.

Five fights.

Ranma is thinking about the principle of things here.

"What do you mean no?" he angrily wanted to know almost slipping
out of
character and calling her a stupid tomboy.

"You said that the official match is still some time of. That means

off

Will correct.

Ranma could not believe it. True he had held back to keep from
really
hurting her and he had looked less capable then he really was as a
result
of disguising his style,

I doubt his restricted field of view as a result of wearing the stupid
mask helps much either.

Against a single slow and frontally attacking foe it probably wasn't such
a big deal. And it never seemed to bother any of the large number of
masked superheroes and villains.
 

but still it had been a clear and

decisive
victory every time. What had given the stupid tomboy the idea that
after a
loss like this all it would take for her to win were some time of

would be a bit of

Yes, that sounds better.

Before Ranma could get too enamored with that idea he reminded
himself
that the plan was to make Akane say uncle as fast as possible.

"uncle"

I added the quotes.

                            Part 5: The Maid


Some time later Ranma admired herself in the mirror. She had had

delete second "had".  It isn't actually grammatically incorrect,
but it looks like crap.

It feels wrong to me without the second had. I changed it to
"She had not had as much to work with..." to avoid the ungainly
double-had

"I am just me -- Little Ashes the kitchen drudge -- nobody of
importance,
Mistress." Ranma replied submissively.

Normally Ranma would have felt uncomfortable acting this way,

Probably not.  Ranma regards his female side as a license to abandon
all dignity

Hm... I added this bit because I had complaints that Ranma was taking to
easily to his totally ooc roles when I first posted it to the addventure.
 

Just as Ranma had expected this caused Akane to deflate. Had Ranma
made
any boasts or threats to stop her, Akane would have been sure to
try
something, but with a seemingly harmless opponent she did not know
what
to do. And Akane would not want the servant girl to suffer for her
escape
attempt. The Tomboy was just too sentimental at times.

Now if Ranma was in that situation, he'd probably kidnap the maid and
take her home to become another fiancee.

 
Or more likely Ranma would show off while breaking out and prompt her
to fall for him and follow him home...
 

After poking at her food for a bit Akane finally began to eat.
Ranma
stayed with her head bowed watching her eat.

Head bowed suggests that Ranma is looking at the floor, not at Akane.

 
I inserted a 'slightly' between head and bowed. That should allow Ranma
to act meekly and still keep an eye on Akane.

"No, no, the Prince has no scars. He is said to be quiet handsome."

quite

Still in her kitchen drudge disguise, Ranma now lead Akane from
the
dungeons to where the Gym was located. On the way they passed

gym

"This is a traditional Gymnasium. You exercise 'gymnos' -- in the

gymnasium

And she certainly should! Ranma had put quiet a lot of effort in

quite

I corrected both "quite"s and made the gym and gymnasium lower-case.
 

creating
this disguise and the role she was currently playing.

Akane probably did not even know that she was using her chi to
boost her
strength. Ranma would have had to convince her that she was
actually doing
it and then find a way to make her stop doing it. Tricking her and
saying
that it was something else was just faster for now.

I doubt being honest with his student played much of a role in Genma's
training philosophy.

That is a good point.

"Good," Ranma smiled even if Akane could not see it, "one other

"Good." Ranma smiled even though Akane could not see it.  "One other

It does sound better your way.

"Perfect! Now let's begin with doing some push-ups" Ranma told

delete "doing"

I deleted "doing".

Ranma had not said how many push ups she should do. Akane was

push-ups

Right!

And later during a different when Akane had reached her limit again

during a different what?

"Exercise" is the missing word here.

Little Ashes the Maid was waiting for her in the showers. The
little girl
looked a bit silly wearing only her veil and not the rest of her
outfit,
but Akane let it pass without comment. The maid scrubbed and washed
her
as Akane was by now far to lethargic to do it by herself. Normally

too

I corrected it to read "...far too lethargic to do...".

Akane
would have malleted, object or at least felt embarrassed about

objected

Right!

being so
close to another naked (except for the veil) girl.

I doubt it.  Akane's accustomed to communal bathing with girls.

I changed this to make Akane refer to the touching her without permission
to clean her part and not so much to the nudity part.

Gently picking her up he began carrying Akane back to the dungeon.
She did
not brother with clothing herself or the passenger in her arms.

bother

Right, changed this.
 

If anyone asked Akane what Ranma's girlside looked like she would

girl-side

I used this correction too.

With a bit luck Akane would also fall for any disguises Ranma might

bit of luck

I Inserted an "of".

The competition over Ranma Saotome was one of the few times when
Kodachi
really felt like she belonged. She was no leader or outsider, just
one
among others. The other girls would not just associate with her for
her
families money and connections or exclude her over slight
eccentricities
like her schoolmates did. They accepted her as she was and even
respected
her as a rival.

Your expository lump explaining Kodachi is nicely characterised but
perhaps a little long.

I don't really want to cut anything to trim it down, but I might change things
around a bit so that it won't be quite as noticeable.

 

This is promising stuff

Thanks for your C&C you really helped me quite a lot.

{Loki-L}

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