On 5/27/05, Aaron Nowack <anowack@tulane.edu> wrote:
Well, this was unexpected. Guess it's time to exercise those rusty C&C
muscles a little.
Hooray!
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
When did we start disclaiming C&C, anyway?
Exclusive: The brush is mine too. Surprised, Mr. Nowack?
...CURSES. FOILED AGAIN!
First time I've been responsible. :)
Hinata was a land of greens and pinks; leaves and cherry petals. The
land was seldom seen without being well adorned in its proper colors.
Should be well-adorned, I think.
Hmm. Microsoft says otherwise.
Yet, I trust my evil-twin more than Microsoft.
The comma after "fueled it" is unneccesary.
So it is. I went extra-heavy on the commage in this one, even for me.
The pauses felt fairy-tale-esque originally, and then, looked bad. A
few too many still stuck around after the purge....
This time, the oni's palace towered to the very heights of heaven
itself, walls of jade, and gold, encrusted with precious gems the size
of her fists. The gates of the palace gleamed with figures of dancing
oni that appeared to move in the corners of her eyes.
But it did not stink at all.
That's a sign of status in Oni lands.
I notice no mention of the oni's brethern.
None whatsoever. :)
After a time, Shinobu found a river of fire, fire far too hot for her
to try and swim through, and too wide for her to try and jump.
I think this would work better as "of fire, far too hot..."
Hmm. You're right.
Also, the comma after through is unneeded.
Another survivor, eh? It's gone. :)
Drop the "to her" after bridge. Or move it to after revealed, and
change the second to "to the right."
Not sure how that got through. >_<
They stopped dancing when the saw her, all dressed as the
bridge-guardian (only, without her shoes).
"when they saw"
Dangit.
In the distance, she could see a great palace, gleaming in the
non-sun light of the oni land.
Should be "non-sunlight" perhaps?
I think that's how it was originally.... Will reword it, either way.
Well, it is certainly good to see something from you. As always, it was
a pleasure to read. I hope you do write more often, for just that
reason. ;)
Will do!
Thanks for the C&C; now I owe you. ;)
--
Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/