First off, you forgot to word wrap. Blah, blah, blah, 72 characters per line, then press a single space enter. Redistribute words properly, rinse, repeat, voila. Word wrapped fic. Or you could have it word wrapped on some program or another.

Other than that, hello. My name is Chester Casta�eda. You killed my dog. Prepare to die. I can't believe I typed that. Of course I'm only kidding. My dog is fine. Move along, nothing to see here... 
 
Seriously speaking, here's some C&C. As usual in any C&C, these are all my opinion so take it with a grain of salt, make use of the comments you find relevant to the fic and disregard the rest.

dotchan wrote:

Where He Began
a 'fic by Dot
---
"Thy firmness makes my circle just,
	And makes me end where I begun."

I cheated. I read the author notes before reading the fic (and to think I kept on being so anal about putting author notes at the end, only to read it first anyway!). Tokio-Saito relationship, eh? I've seen MadamHydra's interesting interpretation so far in her fic "That Which Lingers", and a few theories here and there in forums. Let's see what you have in store in your li'l ficlet... :)

	Moron.  The dead were not honored by being remembered in this fashion.  Eiji was just making himself a victim again, reliving the horrors of that day over and over again.

Eiji: Well, sorry for reacting in a completely normal way to traumatizing events, you coldhearted bastard!

	Moron.  That was not how one healed from the wounds of the heart.

Nitpick: "Wounds of the heart" sounds like a love problem discussed in a boy band song rather than a traumatizing, "my entire family was killed and dishonored by the walking undead psychotic named Shishio." In fact, "wounds" is simply too mild a word for what Eiji's going through. "Mutilated heart" is more apt, but I wouldn't suggest that. But you have to admit, that sounds more like what Saito would say, as opposed to "wounds of the heart".

	The Wolf extracted himself soundlessly, being careful not to disturb the sleeping form next to him, and entered Eiji's room.  He nudged the boy, waiting for him to rouse himself, and when he didn't, spoke with the gravely voice that all but she found terrifying.

	"Stop making so much noise, moron.  You'll wake the baby. "

Ah, little Saito's scampering around in the dark, the only thinks visible are their fanged, canine-grinding grins. What a sight to behold. It leaves me cold inside, like I've become a cold husk of myself. (gets into a fetal position)

baby: (howls)

	He pushed the boy as he tried to sit up.  "What do you think you're doing, moron?"

Nitpick no. 2: The amount of times Saito's using 'ahou', despite being Englishified, is still jarring to me as a reader. Saito is precise and brief in both combat and in conversation. He's very prudent in his actions and words. He says what he says in a frank, straightforward manner. He does _not_ repeat his catchphrase more than once, as seen in the Chou-Sanosuke-Saito exchange. An IC Saito would cut down on his 'ahou's, really. He certainly doesn't meander and beat around the bush like this C&Cer before you.

	For the briefest of moments, defiance flashed in the boy's ki, but he fell back into a prone position.  "To get a glass of water."

Suggest: "I was going to get a glass of water," since the statement was there to answer, "What do you think you're doing, moron?" 

	The Wolf narrowed his eyes.  "Your exceedingly dull brain makes you a terrible liar.  You were planning on pacing until you were too tired or the sun came up, whichever happened first."

His exceedingly unnatural speech pattern that looks more like exposition from prose instead of actual dialogue with Eiji leaves me with a headache. Saito's speech pattern here is reminiscent of a horribly transliterated manga scanlation. Suggest dropping the word, 'exceedingly'. Do _you_ use "Your exceedingly dull brain makes you a terrible liar," in everyday speech?

	The Wolf was tempted to call Eiji a moron again, but he controlled himself.  Instead, he asked,

"...Oro?"

I wish Saito'd 'controlled' himself from saying 'ahou' so much since the first few kilobytes of this fic. If we're going to judge by the number of times Saito called Eiji 'ahou', Eiji's more of a moron than Sanosuke, Chou and Usui combined.

	"Aa.  Tokio is still sleeping, and I don't sing,

Saito: ...so I suppose a little whistling will do.

Eiji: Wha--?

Saito: (gives Eiji the 'glare', and then whistles)

Eiji: (makes a life-or-death decision, chooses life, sleeps instantaneously)

so I suppose it will have to be stories." 

Heh. Now that's even more fun.

Saito: ...And so that's how I survived the Boshin war. Any questions?

Eiji: (a haunted look in his eyes, mumbling to himself) How can I ever sleep again?

He vaguely felt the need for cigarettes, but pushed it to the back of his mind.  After all, he'd made an Agreement.  "And I only know the tale of the Lone Wolf."

Eiji: Oh, gee. Isn't that creative, Mr. Wolfie? What a big head you have, grandma. The better to house your ego with, I suppose?

	"I haven't heard it yet," Eiji answered, looking at the Wolf oddly.

Eiji: (wonders aloud) If I light up one of your bangs, will a spark slowly travel from its tip up to your forehead like with the fuse of a bomb?

	The Wolf ignored the look.  He didn't have to explain himself, not to this moron.  "Once upon a time, there was a Lone Wolf.  Being a predator in nature and disposition, he was obnoxious and disliked.

"The Wolf" in this story barks more than bites. And it's not even the impressive kind of bark.

Many hunted this Wolf, but since he was crafty as well as ruthless, no man ever captured him." Which was true, to an extent.

Just what I need... a fic that blabs on and on about Saito uber-abilities. To be frank, this reads way too much like a fangirl extolling the many virtues of Saito Hajime when she doesn't need to do that. It's definitely telling more, and showing less. This reads too OOC. The real Saito's cool because of his actions, not because of his bragging rights. He'd be disgusted to see himself like this. He'd probably Gatotsu the fic Saito's candy ass. Of course, that's just me and my ideas of what constitutes bad ass.... doing more, saying less.

Now I realize that this point of contention renders the whole point of the fic (Saito bragging to Eiji about how he and his wife met in a thinly-veiled excuse that it's a fairy tale) moot, but still there are ways to tell the story without making Saito look like an OOC braggart. At this point, he sounds like a Mary Sue bragging about her extensive abilities and whatnot.

	Eiji rolled his eyes, clearly not enjoying the story.  The Wolf wondered if he could simply bore the boy to sleep.

Good for the boy, except I believe he should have been complaining about how lame the story was from the start instead of humoring "The Wolf".

	He continued.  "One day, however, the Wolf got careless and fell into a very clever trap, becoming severely injured in the process.  He managed to escape, but he knew it was only a matter of time before his enemies caught up with him and finished him off for good." His hand drifted to where the scar should be.  "So the Wolf swallowed his pride and took on the form of his tormentors, walking among them as one of their kind."

M-well, at least the story picks up a bit after the IMO lame-o beginning parts. The fic as well as Saito's story, I mean.

	"Did they ever find him?"

	"Of course not, moron.  They were looking for a wolf, not a man.  But the Wolf hated pretending to be something he was not, and his injuries had yet to heal.

~Stray! No regret 'coz I've got nothing to lose... Eee-ver stra-eeaay...~

So at night, he would sneak into abandoned buildings and revert to his true self, thinking dark thoughts about the ones who sought his life."

Baby: Awooo?

(groan) So much for the story picking up...

	Eiji started slinding under the covers.  "Is this a scary story?"

Eiji started sliding...

And Eiji strangely has a split personality in this fic. He ranges from spastic to sarcastic in different intervals. Why don't you just let him be his angsty, angry-at-the-world self in a consistent basis like in the manga, fic?

	Moron.  "If it were, would I be telling it to you at this hour?"

As per usual in a Kenshin fic, the catchphrases should be said at least forty times to assure the reader that this is a Kenshin fic. The tag at the header of the fic nor the character names unique only to that particular series isn't enough to convince readers, no. It's even a great substitute for actual characterization.

Sano: Kenshin, what are your thoughts about killing?

Kenshin: Oro?

Fangirl A: Wai! How cuuuute! That is _soooo_ Kenshin! He's so well-characterized in your fic! (huggles Kenshin)

	"Oh."

	The Wolf grunted.  "You made me lose my place, moron.  Where was I?"

Eiji: Um... your ninth 'moron'?

	"One of the houses wasn't empty," Eiji prompted timidly.

	"Oh, yes.  The Wolf had fallen asleep,

"Then, all of a sudden, The Rock proceeded to kick The Wolf's saccharine posterior from here to all the way to Jabroni Island," 'The Wolf' finished eloquently.

Eiji went silent for a long time. He eventually asked, "...And?"

"There's a lesson to be learned there."

Eiji looked warily at 'The Wolf.' "What's that?"

"Don't refer to yourself in third person unless you're prepared to have the smackdown layeth down on you."

because he had lost a lot of blood by now, and was very startled to find a young lady doting over him when he woke up."

	"Did he--eat her?"

'The Wolf' smirked. "I'll tell you when you get older."

	The Wolf didn't even bother to call the boy a moron this time.  

...But the sentient narrative prose did bother, anyway.

"Wouldn't be much of a story if he did, would it?" He didn't wait for an answer.  

Because, like a typical self insert author, he was too engrossed with his little tale to even care for an answer.

"No, the Wolf was far too weak to even raise his head.  He just growled, angry at himself both for not noticing this girl and being so helpless in front of her.  But the girl didn't run away, despite the Wolf's best efforts." He allowed himself another small smile.  Patience of a saint, indeed.  "Eventually, the Wolf came to realize that she was as determined to stay by his side as he was to get rid of her, so he decided to 'suffer' her administrations in silence."

Ah, so here comes the crux of the situation, perhaps the entire point of the fic. Certainly this interpretation of the Saito-Tokio relationship is feasible, buuuut... Gee, it's not as if I didn't see that one coming. "Wow. Tokio is Buddha-like, just as Kenshin and Misao surmised. I am so underwhelmed with shock I think that I could have heartburn."

In comparison to MadamHydra's interpretation of, "Saito's a bastard, but Tokio's an even scarier, supernatural bitch" to others' interpretation of, "Saito is actually Fujita, the henpecked husband of Tokio, when around his wife," I found yours not too terribly or even remotely interesting. Then again, I'm not a fangirl.

	Eiji giggled softly.  "He fell in love with her, didn't he?"

=_=

Saito: (kicks Eiji's giggly and pansy ass from here to Jabroni Island)

Who replaced Eiji with the guy who sees dead people? ?_? From being a guy you wouldn't want to mess with even though he's only holding a rusted sword, he's become the third Olsen sister, or even the fourth Hanson brother. How far the angsty has fallen. 

Y'know, I was only foolin' around with the fangirl jibes, but IMO your fiction suspiciously has a fangirl slant to it. Seriously. These little tendencies of your fic seem to only confirm my jokes and early suspicions. Like a fanboy fic which has fallen victim to gratuitous panty shots, innuendo and character bashing, your fangirl fic, in turn, has fallen victim to biased character worship in prose, general OOCness and a giggling little boy. The winner? The fangirls, I suppose.

	"And the Wolf missed his true home, in the mountains and forests of the wild.  He dreamed of running again, of chasing down the wind, of watching the moon dance with the stars." Those had been her words, not his, but she had seen through his mask and spoke the very desires of his heart.  She wouldn't mind this little bit of plagiarizing.  "He recovered on the first thaw."

Oh, I see. "The Wolf" was actually a reinterpretation of Youko "The Fox" Kurama's story. The presentation is still suspiciously fangirlish in nature (as the name Kurama practically connotes 'fangirl' at this point in fanon), but I digress.

	This time Eiji sat up.  "She was a man?" He exclaimed, horrified, undoubtedly remembering that scythe-wielding minion of Shi-Shi-O's.

Since when did Eiji become a wide-eyed innocent? Wasn't he the angsty kid that was so angry and spiteful that he could made Yahiko look like the happiest ten year old boy in Japan? (FYI, Yahiko's father died and his mother became a prostitute just to support him)

	The Wolf laughed for a good minute, the sound coming out in strangled wheezes because he did not wish to awaken the rest of the household.

The Wolf has morphed himself into Dick Dastardly's dog Mutley.

"Ah, what a tale that would have been, if that were the case! No, moron," and here he let his tone soften,

You know a fanfic has a fangirl slant when the guy characters in the fanfic laugh giddily at the thought of male-to-male luv-luv action (the same way fangirls would laugh giddily at the thought of male-to-male luv-luv action), as opposed to awkward silence. I'd expect the reaction from Seishiro of Tokyo Babylon fame, not Saito.

so that the boy understood that this time it was a term of endearment, "she was very much a woman, as the Wolf later found out.  She just wasn't a human woman."

	Eiji blinked.  "She wasn't?"

Ah. Shades of MadamHydra has reared their 'multiple' heads.

	Eiji looked even more blank than before,

'more blank' sounds wrong. Suggest revising.

if that were possible.  "Houses have kami?"

Now you've turned Eiji into a spaz with the intelligence of low-calorie celery. He has so much 'character development' to have three personalities at the same time in this fic!

	The Wolf shrugged.  "Why not? Perhaps she inhabited the tree that the house had been built with and managed to transfer her essense."

essence

	Eiji oblidged, but kept his eyes open.  "Not until you're finished with the story."

Eiji obliged,

	"Yes, yes.  I'll do my best to be brief, then." The Wolf wondered 

Seeing the paragraphs below, I see that The Wolf _and_ the narrative prose has failed miserably on that regard.

what Tokio would do, in this situation, and eventually settled on merely talking.  "The kami, of course, already knew the Wolf for what he was, but she revealed herself to him because she had grown to like him.  The Wolf, while he hadn't returned those feelings yet, tolerated her, and that was saying a lot for a Wolf who had hated the company of even other wolves." 

So she is a supernatural, just like with MadamHydra's interpretation. Hmmm. I suppose the main point of your fic is okay. I just personally couldn't care less about this. It's not that I'm saying the point of your fic is bad [rt dr, it's just not interesting to me. I'm sure that it's interesting to other people (probably for other fangirls for sure, IMO), but not to mince words I found the payoff to the setup of your fic unexciting.

And if he'd known what she had planned, he might not have agreed to it, but he was, above all, a Wolf of his word.  "After a brief discussion, they came to an Agreement: they would marry, so that people would not find it strange for a man and a woman to be living together under the same roof, and would remain so until the danger had passed.  Perhaps, as revenge for being such an insufferable ass when he was injured,

"insufferable ass" seems to stick out like a sore thumb in Saito's little story. It sounds strange to me that Saito would use an informal word in a story where he uses formal speech. Him saying 'insufferable ass' also sounds OOC, considering the way he's been telling his mind-numbing story.

she would ask him, every morning, whether it was safe for him to leave." He stopped a third time.  He shouldn't excite the boy so with these clif
fhangers, 

9_9

Show not tell, please. Let the reader be the judge if Saito's 'cliffhangers' are any way exciting. As it is, since I'm not as excitable as Eiji, Saito's little afterthought was a real groaner.

Oh, and 'clif' should be put together with 'fhangers' to form 'cliffhangers'.

but he couldn't help himself.  "He never said 'yes'."

Silence does mean "no" instead of "yes"!

	Eiji grinned from ear to ear.  "He did fall in love with her, then."

He reminds me of the kid from the Life Cereal Commercials who drank poprocks and coke and then subsequently 'died'. Or the irritating Asian kid from Indiana Jones. Or just about any irritatingly wimpy kid that acts as 'foil' to the designated hero and smiles at whatever the hero says or do. I don't like him very much in this fic. Bring back the angst incarnate Eiji who has seen hell!

	"Of course, moron.  Even Lone Wolves need companionship, eventually." It had taken him a damn long time to realize it, and an even longer time to admit it, both to himself and to her.  Perhaps if he had been a little less stubborn, he could have enjoyed the inevitable union more.  "It was only a matter of time before they had a veritable army of children and grandchildren at their feet."

The way you segued Saito's bad ass attitude towards this statement of proud fatherhood was ineffective and out of the blue. 

Her annunciations of her impending motherhood had been the only interruptions to their strange daily routine.  He'd initially balked at the thought of raising brats, but he soon found that there was no better way to pass on his ideals.  Why, they could have taken all of Japan, and perhaps the world, if they had been so inclined.  "In the meantime, the Wolf found a pack to run with, a group of humans he could almost call friends." 

Saito admitting this? Even if he's using a lame, third-person autobiographical story? W-ell, if was a well-written story that has less hackneyed cliches and more fresh ideas plus believability, then maybe it would be okay. As it is, he just is OOC. There aren't even enough character development in this rather short fic to justify the way he acted in his little story. The fact that he overuses the word 'moron' makes him even more starkly different from his 'story' self.

The streets of Kyoto hadn't quite been the same as the mountains, but they had been thrilling nonetheless.  "And to maintain the illusion of being human, they pretended to pa
ss 

combine "pa" and "ss". 

away every few decades, only to reunite again under a different name." 

Ah, and now here's the immortality bit. I have no problem with cliche as long as there's a bit of effort in making this unique instead of hackneyed. You weren't the first one who taught of this fandom tradition, and you won't be the last... but it wouldn't hurt to be unique.

They turned faking their own deaths into a game.  She'd nearly got him last time, making him think she was a victim of that moronic 'Tenchu' the Battousai's group always seemed to be touting.  He'd mourned her for a full year before he was introduced to Takagi's daughter.

Eyng? That came out of the blue. "Tenchu", eh? The only one who gets this piece of exposition is the author. Just because it make sense in your mind, doesn't necessarily mean it translates well in prose. 

	"Fiddlesticks.  The little one has taken his toll on you."

"Fiddlesticks"? Who says that, anyway? I thought the fairy tale theme only occupied Saito's story, and not his wife's speech.

	"Moron," she added at the same time he did.  She smirked and kissed his nose.  "Has the danger passed?"

Despite my dislike of your presentation of Saito and Eiji, at the very least I find your Tokio tolerable.

	"No, the danger has not passed," he answered, repeating their age old ceremony.  "It will never pass, as long as evil exists in this world."

"Aku Soku Zan" aside, that reads really cheesy. Suggest adding "death" or something to it. After all, "Aku Soku Zan" means _kill_ evil instantly, not defeat evil instantly (which is lame and sounds like something an RPG hero would say)

	"Ah, so you finally figured me out, hm?

Nitpick: 'hmmm?' instead of 'hm?'

---
Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:

Feh. It's got nothing on the usual Author Notes of a certain ATFWH author. Also... nitpick, but I think it needs to be said: "Authoress" as a rule should be followed by an apostrophe "s" instead of just an apostrophe (to mean possession of the word "notes") because "Authoress" is a singular noun, not a plural one. Yes, even though authoress already has so many "s"es, it still has room for an apostrophe "s". ^^; Don't ask me why, I'm not the one who makes up the grammar rules in English.

Because every RK fan has to write something speculating on the nature of the Saitou/Tokio relationship, 

Really? I've been missing out. Let's see... my speculation is that Saito is more 'Fujita' around Tokio, that's why they're together...

so I threw in as many cliches as I could think of,

That one sentence reveals the main problem I have with you fic. ^-^ 

and tried to make them non-cheesy.  Excuse me while I ward off the Plot Bunnies who are trying to draw parallels to Vegita/Bulma.

Handling cliches is never a good idea outside of fanfic lampoons and spamfics IMO. But I digress... general comments below.

The Good News: From what I can see, because of your simple and clean style of prose, spelling and grammar wasn't really an issue. Sure, there were spelling mistakes here, and formatting mistakes there... but those can be easily fixed. There were no thesaurus words that stick out like sore thumbs. Tokio was okay in a non-irritating ANC way (though since she only appeared in the latter quarters of the fic, she may simply have not the opportunity to be annoying... all for the best, I say). Prose flowed reasonably well.

The Bad News: You have the tendency to repeat a certain catchword. I believe I don't need to point out what that catchword is, ne? (The fact that I don't need to point it out says a lot) Also, though the prose flowed well, the content left much to be desired. Your plot was cliche, and you yourself admitted it. I have nothing against cliche as long as the cliche can be handled well enough that it won't read in a trite and hackneyed manner (hell, I've been repeating 'trite' and 'hackneyed' almost as much as you had Saito repeat 'moron'), i.e. Ranma permanently becoming a girl is cliche, but Kenko's "Girl's Days" doesn't read cliche despite of the cliche.

Also, you didn't spend enough time fleshing out the characters, so they didn't feel real. To be more succinct about it, the time you did spend in fleshing out the characters left them OOC in degrees reminiscent of fangirl-slanted fanfics. 

To be frank, I simply had an inability to take your Saito seriously in this fic. I mean, come on! He refers to himself in third person, like a certain pro-wrestler's gimmick. Most of what he says makes the reader (i.e. me) roll his eyes. And Eiji... I won't even go there.

_Now_ I understand the fic was probably a fluff piece that shouldn't be taken seriously and was mainly published in the net to fill in an RK fan's yearning for a typical Tokio-Saito 'what if' fic. Hell, I myself have done similar fluff pieces that I won't bother to overhaul at a C&Cers suggestion because, hey, it's just a fluff piece. In that case, if you feel that the comments were too extraneous for such a fic, then leave the fic as is. 

"Moron" is my translation of RK Saitou's favorite catchphrase, "ahou".  It might not have the same punch, but I've resolved to write almost Japanese-free fanfiction for a while now, excepting those annoying little honorifics that have no English equivalent.

Anyway, I'd like to clarify that this isn't a simple "bash the fic" thing I'm doing here. This is a critique. Please don't go mentally simplifying my comments (incorrectly) as "He just didn't like my fic so anything he says can't be taken seriously." It's your jurisdiction to ignore the comments, yes, and to take them with a grain of salt, yes, but please do at least consider that this isn't just bias talking when I say, "This fanfic suspiciously has fangirl bias and cliches in it."

OTOH, if the MAIN point of your story is to be _exactly_ like I described it to be... fangirl fanfic + OOCness and all... then fine by me. If you can justify the way Saito and Eiji acted as 'not at all OOC, but completely believable', then by all means, I want to hear it. If you think that the label 'just another fangirl fanfic' is misappropriated here and a bit much when describing what I see as your fic's faults (hell, you might not even be a fangirl in the general sense of the word!), then I'll love it if you'd explain why, if you want to. Even if I disagree with your explanation, opinions are only opinions. They just are. (shrug) I've already given my two cents and my take on your fic, it's up to you whether you find them of some use or not. 

In any case, ignore my vinegar-laced comments if you'd like. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is, fine by me. If you found my comments helpful in some level, that's also fine by me. The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing... It's the best solution to fangirlish slants, a braggart Saito, giggling little boys, and presumptuous notions: actual experience of what a better story constitutes. That's my two cents. Abdiel out.

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