Damn.  This is DARK.  I'm glad I don't think of things
like this.

Quoting Adrian Tymes <wingcat@pacbell.net>:

This feels like it's missing something, but I can't
quite identify it.  Adding an ending seems a little
cheesy, but nothing else comes to mind.  Anyone see
what I'm not seeing?

"Missing something" wasn't the first thing to come to
mind for me.  But, how about adding one or two
sentences to the last paragraph which echoe your first
paragraph?

 "Even from three stories up, Kagura could see Chiyo's
  blissful smile, surrounded by a fan-shaped ochre
  area, rising from Chiyo's head like a second set of
  hair and still spreading..."

or something like that.

My main reaction first time through (aside from the
"eww!" reaction to Osaka's death) was that I didn't
think you had Kagura's and Sakaki's characterizations
quite nailed.  And, obviously, the core of your story
is an extrapolation of Chiyo which might strike many
readers as unintuitive.  My own reading is inclined to
grant the latter, BECAUSE it's the core of the story,
but (possibly as a consequence) to be more questioning
of the former.

They seemed to be even better friends than
herself and Osaka, and Osaka was her best friend out
of all of them.

This surprised me (although it does seem necessary for
your story to work).  If I had to pick one of the girls
to be Chiyo's closest friend at the end of the series,
I'd have picked Sakaki or possibly Yomi.

A moment of silence passed.  "That should not be
possible," observed Sakaki.

Here, for instance.  This is the kind of thing Yomi
says.  Sakaki just stays silent at moments like this.

"I knew those driving lessons I asked Yukari for would
pay off!"

Heh.  Now THIS, on the other hand, fits Tomo to a 'T'!

Yomi shook her head.  "I should go with Tomo.

Struck me as a strange decision by Yomi.  She wants to
spend MORE time with Tomo?  (Useful for your plot,
however; or is it?  Might want to consider swapping
Yomi's and Kagura's roles here and for remainder of
story.  I can see Kagura deciding to go to the hospital
with Tomo.)

and ran over to Osaka.  She knelt, grabbed Osaka's
hand through the sheets, pulled up...

...and was forced to let go by a chop to her wrists
from Kagura.

And this doesn't strike me as a Kagura thing to do.  It
seems more like a Tomo thing to do.  Kagura is quite
capable of brutal, simplistic approaches to problems
when it comes to words and thoughts, but I can't think
of anywhere in the manga where she takes any hasty,
brutal actions.

Kagura grabbed Chiyo by the shoulders and looked her
in the eyes. "CHIYO MIHAMA!"

Chiyo sniffled.  "Y-yes?"

"Listen to me.  Osaka.  Is.  Dead."

And this.  I'd expect Kagura to abruptly become very
diffident, looking around to others for guidance, in
such a situation.  Kagura tends to recognize very
quickly when she's out of her depth.

"Yeah, whatever, Miss Weepy Diet Girl."

"TOMO!  I thought we agreed you'd never mention it."
Yomi noticed Kagura staring.  "What?"

"That was you?" Kagura asked.

Heh.  A nice joke.  Although... I can't see Yomi calling
herself "Weepy" anything.  "Miss Diet Failure Girl"?

watching them, and Kaorin tried hanging off of
Sakaki's arm to get her to notice Kaorin only to be
almost dragged along.

IMO, too forward of Kaorin.  Walking alongside, 
blushingly, maybe, trying and failing to find something
to say.

over it.  Chiyo tugged on the mop, easily pulling it
free of shed and towel.  "Wow!  Osaka, when did you
get so thin?"

Again, my take is that Kagura would be feeling vastly
out of her depth here, and casting about for someone
else to take over.  I could see Yomi taking some of the
actions you ascribe to Kagura, however.

The called girl whirled on Kaorin, simmering rage in
her eyes.  "I am trying to talk Kagura out of
traumatizing Chiyo.  If you interfere any more, I
will hurt you."  She raised one hand, readying a slap.

Here, of course, you're trying to make a point of the
pressure getting to Sakaki.  It probably SHOULD strike
the reader as OOC for Sakaki, whatever she does.

to deal with later, a feat of mental strength that
would later give her pause to reflect that even her
mind was too strong to be cute.

Heh.

The moment her hands closed around Chiyo's torso,
Chiyo kicked back hard enough to knock the air out of
her lungs.

First reaction:  no way, this is Sakaki we're talking
about.  Second reaction:  but people's legs ARE that
much stronger than their arms.  That's why women are
taught to use their legs to fend off male attackers.
Third reaction:  but why is Chiyo kicking off violently,
when she's only jumping off the tower?

Sakaki even talked Chiyo into having the two of them
chase Tomo and Osaka around in a mock dogfight.

Again, seems OOC for Sakaki.  If Chiyo suggested it,
however, I can see Sakaki agreeing.

Such thoughts meant she did not hear Osaka's request
of Tomo to climb up on the rail to get to the highest
point on the park.

(Cringe)  And you're paired just the two to do something
this dumb, too.  Osaka might indeed make such a request,
and Tomo certainly would climb up if asked.

It took her a few moments to remember that Chiyo had
cut her hair short and started wearing more
adjustable clip-on pigtails, at Osaka's
suggestion.

!!!  Osaka certainly might suggest such a thing, but
why in the world would Chiyo agree?

Osaka seemed potentially unaware that she was
falling

"potentially" reads funny here.  "Possibly"?

The sound of Chiyo's landing was muted by thunder
that almost sounded like a divine shout.

This bit read a little too anthropomorphic to me.  How
about the simpler "muted by a sudden thunderclap"?


So:  yes, I think the final paragraph can use some
work, but it doesn't seem to need a lot.  A bit of
rewording and one more sentence or so might do it.

It would be more work, clearly, to swap Yomi and Kagura
in the second half of the story.  And, to be honest,
I'm not at all sure the end result would be any better;
this is a spur-of-the-moment suggestion, based on
characterization observations, but it would generate its
own problems:  would Sakaki confront Yomi the same way?

As always, take what you find useful and ignore the
rest.

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