The boy still kept his head lowered in reverence, but his
posture was not totally submissive.  Still had enough
cockiness to only take one knee, for instance.  That was good,
   

I don't understand what "take" means in this context.

BOY: Oh, all right... give me the other one too.

**SNAG**

HAPPY: Good! Good! That shows real initiative. Now, wanna find me a wheelchair
or something?

 

sigh< I've run into this before in my writing, and I keep 

forgetting that this is an idosynchracy to my vocabulary. On
the high school football team, "take a knee" was shorthand for
going down to one knee. It became very second nature to me, 
so it creeps into my writing when I'm not looking.

Mr. Saotome nervously opened the flap on the bulky yellow
envelope and withdrew the contents for examination. She saw a
sheen of sweat materialize on his broad face as he glanced
over the photos and documents. "I... uh..." he swallowed hard.
   

He
(Presumably it's not the words "I... uh..." he is swallowing, so capitalize to
begin a new sentence)

 

<Who says I don't have a heart?> she thought to herself.
<Still... all that doesn't have to stop me from turning Mr.
Saotome into my blackmail slave.>
   

Maybe I'm oversensitive to negative treatments of Genma, but Nabby here comes
across to me as a bully. Considering the wonderful job you've done in this
series of humanizing and growing the other characters, even letting Happy have
compunctions about his actions, it's unfortunate that Genma in this series
can't seem to be anything other than a jerk -- and not even an interesting jerk
like Da Big Kahuna, who we can admire for his persistence and inability to
accept defeat if nothing else.

 

I addressed this before, but a bit more about it...

You have a point - it's not my desire to create a character
slam on anybody, even the ones who end up getting knocked
around for the sake of the story. Looking back over "Relentless"
(and forward to the chapters you haven't read yet), it's true
that I don't give Genma much positive to do, apart from helping
out Akane a bit in her training. Most of the time, he just
wasn't necessary. 

This may come off as a bash because I've written Nabiki as
having contempt for Genma - that's supposed to be her voice,
not the author's. However, it occurs to me that she does not
necessarily have to feel this way to do what she does. She 
may recognize him as a fellow schemer of sorts, and simply
enjoy beating him at this game. Kind of a parallel, in a way,
to the shogi games between Genma and her father. 

I will think about a rework of this scene from that angle. I
don't think I want to change the basic principles at work -
that is, that Genma is Natsume and Kurumi's biological father -
but there might be a way to write it so it doesn't come off
seeming like I have some axe to grind with the character.

   "There once was a maiden named Tendou
    Who was belov'd by a master of kendo
    She had keen, piercing eyes
    Lithe and muscular thighs
    A firm bust, and a shapely rear-end-o...AAAAaaaah!"
   

Heh heh. Well, it could be worse. At least Hiroshi and Daisuke don't do poetry.
:)

 

I got an honorary Vogon award at one point for Kunou's 
previous poem. I don't think this one is as terrible as
the first one in the story, but still... 

His cat self uncoiled in his mind, blotting out all trace of
human thought. Neko-Ranma dropped to all fours, eyes blazing
as he turned to face his approaching enemy. He raised his back
to look more fearsome, flexing his razor-sharp claws in
preparation for the upcoming fight. He felt tired, but a cat
never let weakness show. That whatever-it-was back there was
going to get it now, he thought. He advanced, ready to fight,
ready to slash...
   

I like the descriptions from Ranma's cat POV here.

 

Thanks! I am surrounded by cats in my life and often wonder
what the heck they're thinking.

Here it is! The longest-awaited chapter in "Relentless."
In order to prevent a wait of several YEARS from forming
between this chapter and the next, I have taken the
precaution of writing the rest of the story before I
released anything else.
   

Well, all I can say is, YAY! A great read, as always, with good
characterization, a gripping plot, and funny comic relief. A little heavier on
the latter than usual, maybe, but nothing that would undermine the serious
parts. I'm really looking forward to seeing more.



 

Yeah, the comic relief aspects will fall away mostly around the
last three chapters, so I wanted to enjoy them while I could in
chapters 14 and 15. 

Thanks for the comments and corrections... I've got a bit of 
reworking to do thanks to the C&C from various folks, but not 
too bad. 

Grayson Towler
http://www.talesfromthevault.com/relentless




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