In a message dated 3/17/2005 2:29:48 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,
gab_ab@edsamail.com.ph writes:
project's out the way -- rushed putting that note out, and forgot I had
swiped a synops from MicroWord -_-; Full story below, in straight notebook
format (the fancy text version's on fanfiction.net). Comments, money
gifts, etc,
send to _raemowse@aol.com_ (mailto:raemowse@aol.com)
Hello again. Before we start with the story itself (I'm commenting on this
as I read), let me first note that there have been a slight improvement here
as compared to the previous few chapters. That done, let me just say that,
without mincing any words, there's still a lot of room of improvement left for
this fic. Now don't get me wrong, when I said that I really liked the second
chapter of this series, I meant it. It's just that the whole thing had a lot
of potential, but the presentation of the fic and the communication of ideas
remain off, heavy-handed and hammy in parts. There would have to be
improvement on those parts before this story could take off, regardless of the plot.
Welcome back. Your comments are especially welcomed.
A couple of things beforehand...
The extra spaces may be just your or my mail proggie doing funny things to
it. I just looked at the .txt version and there's no extra spaces like what
you were talking about. So, it's either AOL, or what you use that drops in an
extra space at odd times. Sort of like how old time comics like Peanuts and
Blondie used exclamation points for every sentence because the printer's
auto-correctors would sometimes eat their periods, thinking they're stray lines.
I have an overfondness for ellipses. Working on kicking the habit.
Those annoying "Nabiki's Room" breaks, I've only done because of
fanfiction.net is quite an ass about page breaks, as it absolutely refused to recognize
asterisks and a couple of other methods I use. Soon as I figure out what
will work on there, I'll only be so glad as to get rid of them.
Alternative phrases "Younger sister" "newly-made wife" etc., is the result
of lots of earlier preprogrammed English lessons imbedded within my head.
Really trying hard to kick that habit as well.
Let's go on...
fully
intent on "thanking" Kasumi for everything she had done.
Weird. In every Ranma fan fiction I've read, there are at least three in
every ten fics that pits Nabiki with Kasumi because Kasumi always foils her
younger sister's schemes. What gives?
Classically, Kasumi and Nabiki are polar opposites, most likely by
Takahashi's intentional design. Kasumi is the embodiment of traditional Japanese
woman, whereas Nabiki's the embodiment of the modern Japanese woman. Needless to
say, they will clash. I don't know other people's reasons, but here, Nabiki
gets taken down a few pegs (some would say yanked off the whole damn ladder)
because she doesn't even consider Kasumi would do something, which is why
she tells all to her.
She hadn't managed three steps when a surprise crested the top of the
stairs.
the stairs
"Akane."
More to the point, the scheme always involves Ranma somehow, and Akane, of
course, gets to be the victim of said scheme.
Well, who else would they care about tormenting/protecting? Shampoo?
Usually, it's "Oh, don't worry about Nabiki," "She can take care of
care of
herself," or
"She'll manage."
I'd like to take this opportunity to comment on the wonderful insight of
Nabiki's disappointments with the Tendo family and Soun's believable attitude
towards her daughter.
Thanks. One of the things that had struck me about Nabiki is that she seems
to take much more after her father in looks and in thinking than either side
would care to admit. Thusly, they will either butt heads often, or just
stay out of the other's way. And yes, I and my father are roughly the same way.
on the kitchen counter. Humming to herself, she moved over to the
utensils, picking up the wooden cutting board, well marked from where
countless
blades bit into the surface, then a brown handled chef's knife which she
sat
atop the last-mentioned object, tip and blade pointing away from her body.
These reads like a boring blow-by-blow account of a boxing match. Suggest
livening up the prose by... Oh, I dunno, adding a few insights and character
thoughts here and there. Human interest, after all, catches the reader's
attention far more than bland descriptive prose.
Will do. After looking at it, I could probably delete the whole thing and
no one would really miss it.
"Can it wait? I was about to begin cooking dinner." She grabbed the
Suggest: "I'm sorry, but I'm busy. I still have to cook dinner. Maybe we can
talk later, okay?" She grabbed the
This is Kasumi we're talking about. She's very polite. The above sentence
seemed too rude for the likes of Kasumi.
Unintentional though it may be, after looking at it, I think it gives a
little more credence to her abrupt change of demeanor in the paragraphs to come.
An old saying goes, "It's the nice ones you have to watch out for."
"Nothing," she finally said, shaking her head in frustration. "I was just
checking out a few inquiries from the wedding."
questions from the wedding.
Simplify dialogue. Use 'everyday' words.
It some cases, I feel Nabiki would use some bigger words to show off her
intelligence and superiority to others, creating a Halo effect about her
(determining that someone who is judged to be highly knowledgeable in one trait must
be knowledgeable in many others).
He lifted up a couple of items in his immediate vicinity. "Looking for
Looking for
those little black cameras. Hiroshi says they're about the size of a 500
yen
a 500 yen
coin, but they can see everything!"
Oh, yeah... This scene, IMO, is pointless.
You would think initially... :D
He glanced over to her, and started getting upset. "Geez, Nabiki! This
ain't no laughing matter! I got enough problems now, and
now, and
people peeking in on
me ain't going to help me at all!" He lifted up the
up the
picture frames on her
desk.
Ranma: I mean, it's not that I'm not used to it, with you and the camera and
all, but it makes me uncomfortable that it's not family whose exploiting
me... Y'know what I mean?
Naabiki nodded: Only we are allowed to exploit you mercilessly. Now put on
those panties.
Ranma then realized he'd been had again.
The brunette fell out laughing hard. "Oh my god you're a riot!" She
rolled
back and forth on her bed, trying to catch her breath. "I'm about
"I'm about..."
Oh, and ew.
Yeah... gross, but it does happen. Not to me, of course.
to piss
myself! I can't believe you're such an-"
Ranma suddenly appeared before, his expression pensive, and thrust one hand
a few inches shy of her face. It took a few seconds but, all traces of
laughter became extinct.
Though he got pissed and just barely hit her.
Heheh... he's been resisting the urge since this mess started. Although...
:wicked smile:
She was breathless again, but for different reasons. "Someone put a
camera
a camera
in my room."
Well, whaddyaknow. Didn't expect that. Cool.
Yeah. Not quite a GTO-level twist, but that should catch many by surprise.
Nabiki hung up the handset and looked over the information she scribbled
down on the pad by the phone. "Okay, Mugen says this camera model has a
radius
a radius
Oh, and a arcade fighting game maker program is telling her about the camera?
Of all the random Japanese names I pulled out of thin air-
"Call it a hunch. If it was me trying to get some private shots of
someone,
of someone
I'm get as close as I could without attracting attention, so I could make
could make
Oh, and this is beginning to read like a Nabiki bashing fic.
Really? That's something I haven't heard before. Then again, her source
material makes Nabiki pretty easy to bash in fanfics.
"Dammit…" Nabiki muttered under her breath, closing the door behind her.
behind her
She's rather good at blaming other people, eh?
Well, she's too smart for getting tripped up like she had been, so
naturally, it's someone else's fault. :)
"It's Father, my son. We're related now, so don't be so formal."
The younger man scratched his hear in apology. "Um, yeah… Father.
How about, "Dad"?
See below.
Soun snorted. "Of course there was more.
Er, why's Soun so irritated?
My interpretation of Soun does give him a more traditional mindset, and one
of the things that would come up on occasion is that grown boys do not play
with dolls. Gosunkugi just dropped one, dressed up (to look like Ranma, but
he doesn't think about these things, nor do I think Soun even knows what a
voodoo doll is), so thinking about that would probably fill him up with
contempt or disgust towards Hikaru, and to a lesser degree the way Japan's youth of
today lacks the virtues and values he grew up with.
In other words, he's being an old fuddy-duddy. :)
Nabiki was on her knees lifting up her bed mattress again, her alert and
keen eyes searching for anything vaguely resembling hidden spy equipment.
Having been violated in such an alien way, she was bound to leave no stone
unturned. In her case, every article of clothing she owned was strewn
across the
room, the dwarves
The dwarves? There are dwarves in her room.
I cannot begin to relate how much I dread using that word because of Snow
White.
"Well, who'd be interested in videotaping us?" She quickly cut of her
for-now husband before he could open his mouth. "Not counting 'sickos.'"
After a
moment, she added. "Well, excluding the ones we know, anyway."
Heh.
^_^
The sharp knock on his room door interrupted his budding fantasy. Sighing
heavily, Gosunkugi plopped the magazine down on his desk, and pushed
himself
out of his seat. He ran his fingers through his rumpled, disheveled dark
hair, mumbling just loud enough to be heard. "What is it, mom?" he asked,
opening his room door.
He almost had a heart attack upon lighting his eyes on Ranma and Nabiki.
So why didn't her mother call out to Gosunkugi that they have some visitors?
She fell into a plot hole and couldn't get up at the time.
The former looked annoyed, but the latter was smiling, and Nabiki Tendo -
correction, Saotome - wearing a smile was never a good thing.
So Nabiki asked to be registered to the Saotomes? Seems strange, since it
would make more sense if Ranma married into the Tendo family (so it'd be,
technically, Ranma Tendo). The fact that a Japanese man or woman can choose which
family to marry into has been forcedly crammed in my head care off an
inquiring email once upon a time in FFML (waxing nostalgic)
That IS something that really hasn't been addressed, isn't it? :)
She gave him a sly smile. "Flattery will get you everywhere, except one
place."
Alcohol, on the other hand...
Nabiki [blushing deeply, looking away] So, how about them Tokyo Giants? I
hear they're going all the way this year.
'Oh, trust me. It felt so sharp and crisp, just like it came straight off
the printing press."
Heh.
Nabiki: [singing] "Money, it's a gas/Grab that cash with both hands and make
a stash"
She shook her head, mildly amused with his reaction. "That's the one
thing
I really want." Her voice grew softer, quieter. "To not have money
become
an issue."
I don't get it.
And neither did Ranma, but he's getting pretty good at smiling and nodding
while hopping the other person will shut up and not ask him any questions.
Doesn't work too well in the class room, though.
I can't believe I started talking about that, Nabiki thought to herself,
as
she kicked off her shoes at the landing and jammed her feet into her house
slippers. And with Ranma, of all people!
Wouldn't really matter, since Ranma is so... well, inattentive, to say the
least.
Ranma: [Looks up] Huh? You talkin' to me?
The older man nodded. "Remember what we talked about yesterday." For
added
effect, he flexed one arms, pumping his fist in front of his chest.
""Don't' let misfortune befall my daughter… or else."
Heh. Half-expected demon head Tendo to make an appearance, but this isn't
that kind of fic.
The temptation is strong, but I must resist...
Before he could ask about the tape, Nabiki asked. "Am I really that
horrible a person, Ranma?"
"Huh?"
She rose up into a sitting position, and patted a place beside her
languidly. She had not once opened her eyes, though. He obliged her,
seating himself.
Awww... drama.
Well, it's going to come up somewhere at some point...
"Be honest with me here, Ranma. Am I really such a bitch that people
would
go out their way to make me suffer for it?"
David Anderson: Yes.
Nabiki: [Glares] Bastard. Who asked you anyway?
Still leery of the extreme change that overcame his newly-made wife,
Not only does "newly-made" wife sound awkward, it conjures images of
Chobits. One does not make a wife, one marries a wife.
Ranma: Hey, I had nothin' to with it! It's all the old man's fault!
Nabiki: [Sing-song voice] "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make
him drink." [Normal Voice] Unlike some people I know.
Ranma: [looks away] So, we have a killer soccer team this year. We'll take
the Cup for sure, huh?
"Just positively scandalous, wouldn't you agree, Nabiki? It would be
every
naughty pervert's dream to see you in such smutty action, of that, I'm
positive. And I hear from my brother that there are many of those kinds of
people
that go to your school. I simply can't imagine the teachers or my father
taking well to catching this kind of material in their fine student's
hands.
Why, I'm certain they would go so far as to dismiss the author of the tape.
Nasty. I've heard at least one real life sex videotape that had the couple
quit college in embarrassment. How, er, timely.
Kodachi: Thank you for the compliment. I pride myself on being punctual.
"Of course now, if you were to end up taking yourself out of this beautiful
bondage of love to Ranma-sama,
I find it weird for you to have Kodachi use '-sama' while Nabiki keeps using
'-baby' instead of '-chan.' Pick one... Japanese or English... for
consistency's sake.
To be honest, I couldn't think of an English version that would give the
same kind of reverence to him and not sound too silly.
I'll hammer other the earlier versions a little more finely while I work on
outlining the next few chapters. See you around.
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