Disclaimer: As always, my suggestions are just that; mine, and
suggestions.  You're welcome to use them, and you're welcome not to.
Hopefully, you will find them helpful.

:D

Disclaimer: Love Hina belongs to Ken Akamatsu not me.  I don't have
permission and this fic is not for profit.  But then did I really need
to tell you that?

Commas!

Today was the day he'd fulfil his promise.  Sure he'd failed miserably
the first time around, but, hey, he deserved this second chance, right?
  Keitaro Urashima, first year ronin and generally considered an all
around loser.  He had the demeanor and outward appearance of a nerdy
bookish type, but didn't have the good grades to go along with it.  As a
matter of fact his prep school grades indicated he should just give it
up, Tokyo University was way impossible for him to get in to.  While
Keitaro might not be great in the intelligence or physical department no
one could say he did not have determination, as foolish as they might
consider the object of that determination.

fulfil --> fulfill

You see Mr Urashima once had a childhood friend he made a promise to.
This promise was to get into Tokyo University together, and this friend
was the only female to ever show any interest in him, at least as far as
his memories worked.  For Mr Urashima actually had forgotten quite a
lot, including the girl's name.  What were the chances this "promise
girl" would even remember the promise let alone recognize him or still
be interested in him.  After all over a decade is a very long time in
which a person can change a lot.  Nevermind, in a populace of a major
university, even if he did get in, what where the chances he'd meet her
again?

Hmm.  So far no changes....

"Okay lets see, which way was it, again?  *sigh* You'd think I'd know
this route, it was only a year ago.  Of course, there wasn't
construction blocking the normal route, making it so you had to get
there by an alternate route last time."

lets --> let's

Thus did Mr Urashima proceed on an alternate, alternate route.

Mr --> Mr.

"Where am I, anyway?"  Keitaro, first year ronin was lost and, as per
usual, there was no one to help him out of this situation.  Trudging
along he started talking to himself, "Mom would say, 'ask for
directions,' but how am I supposed to do that when there's no one
around?  No, I can't let this stop me.  I'm going to get into Tokyo U,
and I'm going to meet that girl again and, and…"

Technically, since this elipses ends a paragraph, it should have four
periods.  Or be three periods and be followed by a period (if you have
'elipses' as a specialn character).

Although not necessarily in that order.  Keitaro however being caught up
in his declaration against the ghosts of the people who said it was
impossible wasn't paying attention to where he was going.  Thus when he
hit something instead of possibly being able to compensate he simply fell.

Ouch.  I'd rewrite this paragraph for clarity; it's a bit convoluted.

He had fallen on a girl prostrated on the concrete, who was strangely
unresponsive.  He was going to take a CPR class at the forceful
suggestion of his mother, who "wanted him to be useful for something."
Right now though he didn't even know how to take someone's pulse.  He
was pretty sure she wasn't dead, after all there should be blood lying
around, right?  Noticing she'd dropped a slip of paper he picked it up.

dead, after --> dead; after

I believe you want 'prostrate', not 'prostrated'.  But I'd use 'prone'
if she was just lying there; prostrate implies a context.

"Mutsumi Otohime, ah I see you're going to take the Tokyo U entrance
exams too. *nervous laugh*  She must have passed out on her way there,
due too studying to much the night before.  She'd be disappointed if she
never made it to the test.  What should I do?  I know I'll carry her,
but…  No I must be a man about this…  Okay this time for real."

'*nervous laugh*'?  I think it'd be better to break from speech,
describe the laugh, and then resume.  Otherwise it breaks the flow of
the story (similar to paranthetical author's notes, ya know?).  For
example, I'd re-write it something like this:

"Mutsumi Otohime, huh?  Oh, I see you're going to take the entrance
exam for Todai, as well," Keitaro said, nervously chuckling when the
girl didn't immediately respond.  This was bad; what if she was sick?
Best not to think about that too much.  "She must have passed out on
her way there....

I'm sure you can actually write your story better than I can, but you
get the idea of how to include the laughter (or other actions) within
dialogue?

Somehow Mr Urashima did find that his directionless wandering while not
paying attention to where he was going had landed him in front of Tokyo
U, just as he had strongly desired.  The girl he had helped was still
passed out, or at least he was pretty sure she was just passed out, on
his back.  Keitaro was glad he had decided to leave way early as instead
of being late for the exams he still had some time.

"leave way early"  I'd drop the 'way' only because it's somewhat
casual compared to the rest of the narrative.

Sitting his charge down on a convenient bench Keitaro sat down and
looked around.  There was something of a crowd forming waiting to get
in, but it would be a while yet before the bulk of the people showed up.
  He'd paid attention enough last time to recognize the pattern.  He
looked over at his companion. With her eyes closed and face composed as
if in sleep, she was rather cute, certainly above his bracket.  Then
again all females were above his bracket.

again all --> again, all

'I wonder if she'd mind if I…  No, no, bad thoughts.  Get a grip on
yourself Keitaro.  She'd probably hate you for the rest of your life if
you did that.  Its not like girls will even look at me, let alone take a
second look.  I should probably wake her so she's not to sleepy while
taking the exam.  Yeah, that's it, but how?  I know I'll get some water
from the fountain, better not get to much though.'

In general, an elipse should contain four periods if it is an ommision
that ends at the end of a sentence.

Thus did Keitaro Urashima end up splashing her with just enough water to
get her face a little wet.  This actually succeeded in bringing her to
consciousness.

You know, there's a bit of comic potential here.  You could use your
tools to set this scene up so it's misleading; it looks like Keitaro's
going to fool around with Mutsumi, then he just splashes her with
water.  Either that, or maybe describe him getting this water a little
bit. ;)

It was so much easier to talk to people, especially of the opposite sex,
when his head was down, or otherwise in a position that avoided direct
eye contact or looking at the person.  This is why he was caught
completely by surprise when he noticed she was leaning towards him with
a odd look on her face.  Not the usual odd 'what is this loser doing
within 15 meters of me' look, but something completely different.  As a
matter of fact if he didn't know better he'd think it was…

Elipses!

'No she couldn't be interested in me.'  She started coming closer,
uncomfortably close as she pierced the invisible bubble at which it
became uncomfortable to have someone that close.  'I can't move my body.
  Is she planning to kiss me?  Maybe I should close my eyes.
Something's touching my face is this…'

The second sentence in this paragraph could use a little clean-up.
You've got 'close' twice, and 'closer' in the same sentence.  Also,
'uncomfortable' appears to have an echo too. :p

Then, there's a lot of potential here to play this scene out, just
like the other one I mentioned a paragraph or three back.  We should
see a lot more tension from Keitaro over this one; the laws of physics
in the Love Hina universe state that if people are thinking about
kissing, time slows down (proportionate to how hard they're thinking
about it).  Then again, they also state that any time is a good time
for Seta to have a rocket-duel with a rival archeologist atop a pair
of racing vans.  So you should write it how you feel it should be
written.

But I am having a hard time identifying the tone for this story so far
(that could be intentional on your part).

"I. I'm glad…  I'm glad I could help."  Keitaro stuttered out.

More reaction!  We should see Keitaro's forehead sweating nervously as
he realizes (with relief and dissapointment) that it wasn't a kiss.

"What a coincidence this is my second time too.  We can be the Dos Ronins."

The conversation is really fast (and just a little bland).  It does
get the job of telling the story done, but at the same time, the point
of the journey is the travel, not the destination.  This could be
fleshed out a bit to see some thoughts on what's being said and done.
Examples are Mutsumi's expression, and Keitaro managing to trip over
the back of the seat and land in a trash can while trying to sit down.

Remember, the manga and anime are very visual mediums.  If you're
going to keep the original theme/style, you should also try to work in
some of the off-ball scenes and moments in text.

"Yeah, Dos Ronins!"  'Wow, I can't believe this is real.  We actually
have something in common.  I can't believe I actually feel this
comfortable talking with a girl.  Thank you, God.'  "You know, I made
this promise to this little girl when I was very young, that we would go
to Tokyo U together.  Everyone keeps telling me to forget it, because I
have no chance of getting into Tokyo U, but I'm going to keep that
promise to that little girl and get in no matter what it takes."

Another reason to take a bit longer is that this is a bit sudden;
Keitaro meets a girl, carries her to school, and then they form a
study-group after exchanging names.  Also, if this is the entrance
exam, unless they're planning on failing (or just think they have no
chance) they may not need to worry about studying for the exam
anymore.  The formation of the study-group should either come after
they fail, or they should agree to make a study group if they fail
again.

Or I'm misremembering, and this is a practice test, not the real one
(but I don't remember it being stated in the story...).

"What a coincidence, when I was a little girl there was this boy who
said, lets go to Tokyo U together.  So I'm trying to get in to fulfil
that promise.  I hope that, that little boy will still remember me."

'Wow, that must be some lucky guy.  How could he not remember a nice
girl like this.  I guess that means she's already taken.  Oh well,
that's just my luck.'

"I'm sure he'll remember!"  Keitaro realized he was standing up and
people were looking at him.  Oops.

This is what I was talking about earlier; there's a gag, but it's at
the end, when you could work subtle (and amusing) things all through
it, thus strengthening it.  For example, do what I suggested above,
completely leaving out the mention of other students until the end.
Then Keitaro realizes that people are watching him bumble his way
through a conversation with a cute girl (make sure their choice of
words could be easily misinterpeted for extra fun) and reacts
appropriately.

Author's notes: I have the next chapter planned out but admittedly am
lacking clear plans beyond that.  I suppose it would be classified as a
minor AU type fic.

Okay.  So, in general, this is not a bad story.  Then again, it's not
a great story, either.  Right now, it reads like a framework or a
storyboard, and not quite like an actual story.  Think of what you
have written here as a skeleton.  Now that you've got the shape, you
want to go back over it and flesh it out with details, and just
generally polish/refine it.

This is a much better first draft than a lot of stories I've seen, and
I'm curious (as a fan of Mutsumi) to see where it goes.

P.S. Anyone who hasn't heard from me in a while, well, I've been
recovering from another H.D. crash... -_- Sorry about that.

--
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/durandall/index.html
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.

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