On Mon, 17 Jan 2005 20:40:09 -0600, Nugar <nugar@tds.net> wrote:

      Sexy.

I wish subsection titles were identified better. Maybe place a couple of
asterisks around them?

      "And I'm not talking to you any more," Tomo added as she
stalked away, full of wounded prided.

Typo - "pride".

      "Hey, guess who's parents just bought them a new computer
so they could turn out homework just as good as Yomi's!" Tomo
yelled as she burst into the room of first period.

"Them" or "her"? Not being a native speaker, I cannot tell.

      "Ah hah, I uh, I also got a copy of Counterstrike last
night and I was so busy playing it I forgot to do my homework,"
Tomo said sheepishly.  "I got fragged so many times by this guy
with a rocket launcher...."

"Sheepishly"? So not Tomo.

left her fingers a couple of inches too short to reach the box.

Which would be about 5cm in Japan.

      Drawn by the action, Kaorin came by and picked up a copy. 
"Hello Kitty?" she said out loud.  These kind of look like the
ones Miss Sakaki was wearing, she thought, glancing at the tall
girl.

Very remote resemblance, because Hello Kitty is anthropomorphic, whereas
the kitty at Sakaki's panties isn't. But I suppose it works.

      Sakaki continued to stare at the panties expressionlessly. 
She didn't know they made any with days of the week on them.

It's strange that she's so ignorant. Remember her shopping for
a present? Obviously she visits stores. It's not a big deal, but
curious.

      Yukari instantly recognized her own very characteristic
panties, and panicked as she felt the fear and embarrassment
creep up in her throat.  "It's not what it looks like!  I haven't
worn those in years, but my laundromat has been closed for a week
and I haven't had a chance to make it to another one!  They were
my last pair!"

Good plotting. But I'm curious what the resolution was.

      Chiyo waved goodbye as their group splintered as people

"Scattered" would sound better, IMHO.

      "That's interesting."  Tomo stared at the last one
impassively.

Sakaki's word is reused here. How about "calmly".

Overall, good work. I liked how pieces were engaged together. For example,
Kaorin's computer comes into play much later than we know about it first.
The general plotting was solid, I enjoy that.

Thanks a lot,
-- Pete

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