In a message dated 12/7/2004 10:49:50 PM Eastern Standard Time, 
gab_ab@edsamail.com.ph writes:


I liked this chapter better than the first one. There's a definite 
improvement, I believe.

[coolness... :D]

RaeMowse@aol.com wrote:

[snip]

His eyes widened. "They just up and left me here?"

"It was decided that since you and Nabiki were now married, and you would 
inherit the dojo, it would be best to let you remain here and get adjusted 

to 

your new life without them interfering in yours and Nabiki's fun."

Tsk, tsk. Looks like they were really impressed by Ranma and Nabiki's 
performance last night.

Ranma: [falls over and dies of embarrassment]

Nabiki: Well that's one way to get out of our marriage...

"Of course, you won't do anything wrong with my daughter, will you, son?"  
His expression intensified, the well developed arm growing taunt around the 
young man's neck.

Heh. Complicated situation, ain't it? And, when you think about it, it's a 
good thing that SOun's infamous demon head didn't pop up here. Funnier that way, 
and more apt.

Yah... trying to stay away from some of the general cartoony reactions, and 
it's like law fathers have to threaten the son-in-law shortly before or after 
he gets married.

[snip]

He glared at her.  "Like hell.  I'd sooner have sex with Kuno as a guy 

before 

I'd ever want back in your bed again."

(wince) So you're willing to have sex with Kuno as a girl? Ewww.

Ranma: [sweating] Er... J-just forget about it!  That's not even the point!

"Well, she just said that... that my 'wife' needs me now.  No Nabiki, no 
sister... just 'wife.'"  He slumped down on his bedroll, his features 

arrested.

The quietude

Quietude? :P My, my... you do have the penchant for thesaurus.

You'd be amzed at all the words you can learn just by playing a few games of 
Magic and Vampire... :D

The rest of the ethereal dream vanished the longer she remained awake.  She 
didn't know if it was a blessing or a curse in disguise.  However it 

measured 

up, Nabiki knew that today was not going to be an easy day.  First day back 

to 

school since she and Ranma were married, and she dreaded the inevitable 
questions that would occur.

Strange that Nabiki's not dreaming of yen notes. (shrug)

...in a way, she was... :D Just read it a little more carefully.

"I had wanted to leave for school early enough to talk to our classmates 
about our marriage so we aren't late."

Now Ranma looked at her as if she had sprouted a blue tentacle for an arm.  
"Are you feeling well, Nabiki?"

"Never better since you walked into my life.  Please finish eating, dear."

^_^ I like the subtlety.

:D

50 cool points to anyone who gets the "blue tentacle" line.

"You're no fun in your old age.  Whatever happened to that spark we had on 
our wedding night?"

That loaded statement should hurt both sides. 

It should, but here, Nabiki's attempting to deny many things and to take a 
cheap shot at Ranma at the same time.  It didn't get very far, though.

He crossed his arms.  "Can't wait to hear this."

"This is all part of a plan to get Akane to admit her true feelings."

Genius, except it's next to impossible in the manga save for times of great 
need and the reversal jewel.

Nabiki: ...and you don't think this is a time of great need?

His head snapped around to look at her profile.

Nabiki is a friendster addict.

Nabiki: Shh... what are you trying to do, ruin me?

"Just like the movies," she said, smiling.  "Man and woman are married.  
Enter old flame, whom man still has feelings for.  Unhappiness with his 

current 

life,

If you meant 'wife' instead of 'life', change it. If you intended it this 
way, ignore comment.

I did mean life, though wife could just as easily work

Ranma gulped, throwing up his hands.  "Hey, hey, now... no need to get 
vicious.  I was just saying you're like the last person I'd ever thought 

would be 

talking that soap opera junk other girls at school get obsessed with."

She seemed to consider what he said.  "Well, now you know better.  So, just 
try to look a little miserable, and we should be more than convincing.

"You mean I don't look miserable enough?"

XD

:D

She could tell he was serious about his statement.  Despite herself, she did 
feel somewhat moved by that kind of determination.  She shook her head, 
dissolving those thoughts.  "All right."  She then smirked a little.  "But 

if you 

get me killed, consider yourself divorced."

Awww. This is as close to WAFF as Nabiki could get.

Mm hmm... anything else WAFFier, and you practically have to make her do it 
at gunpoint.

Just as they reached the front doors, one swung open partly, and two 
pineapples were tossed out, both heading straight for the two.

"What the?"  The married man

Hmmm. Dunno, but you're using this too often... 'The married man', 'the 
married Tendo', 'the Saotome wife'... It's technically correct, but it just sounds 
awkward to me. Might I suggest pronouns to replace the character names or 
simply just repeating the character names after each paragraph?

I know.  Believe me, it's an even bigger pain in the neck as I don't want to 
overuse he and she or names, but haven't really came upon another solution 
yet...

Nabiki was wide-eyed in disbelief.  "Ranma!"

He didn't have the time to drop his mistaken bride.

Who's mistaken? The bride or him? (i.e. what's with that adjective?)

...it made sense when I was writing it... rewriting...

Tightening his grip on 

her, the martial artist twisted his body around on the ball of his foot, 
angling a kick to smash one Hawaiian delight into the other that was lagging 

a 

little behind.  With luck, the resulting explosion would be at his back, 

keeping 

her safely in front of him while he dealt with the damage.

Nabiki should realize that she should avoid the 'hero' syndrome Ranma tends 
to get from time to time if she wants a divorce. One of the major foundations 
of Ranma-Akane is the fact that Ranma gets his hero fix with Akane most of the 
time, contrived as it may be.

Mm hmm... I'll have to make a note of that...

Fortunately, the pineapples didn't explode as he figured.  Instead, they 

made 

a hollow bursting sound, like someone jabbing a needle through a balloon, 

but 

deeper.  Immediately, it started raining motley confetti and streamers.  

Then 

there were a series of cap gun-like poppings in random intervals, and a 
series of shouts.

Nitpick: Overuse of the word, "series". Suggest replacing the second one with 
"a string of..." etc. 

Non-nitpick: Also, there's no such word as 'poppings' (as far as MS Word is 
concerned).
  

"Congratulations, Ranma and Nabiki!"

"Huh?"  Both of them looked at the school doors, where a throng of people 
streamed out into the courtyard, waving banners, yanking on various party 
poppers, and generally having a good time.  Students, teachers, even the 

principal 

(strumming a ukulele) were out there, celebrating.

Suggest: even the principal, who was a ukulele, were out there, celebrating.

Ranma: I was thinking the principal was something else...

Nabiki: Like a huge di-

Ranma: [covering Nabiki's mouth] Not in front of the kids!

[snip]

Their peepers grew more, if 
it was possible,

I said it before in an earlier C&C, and I'll say it again here. It sounds 
strange to me that your narrative uses both formal and informal words at the same 
paragraph. Don't mix them up.

I'm a walking paradox. :) But I see what you mean...

The married man had none of the grace his new "wife" demonstrated a second 
ago.  Instead, his mind went into Automatic Response Mode while the rest of 

him 

dealt with the shock surging through his body.  "...uh, yeah... 'course... 
ah..."

Akane straightened up, herself on the brink of tears.  "Thank you," she 
whispered, then pulling the strings on each party popper taunt, firing them 

off, 

one on either side of her.  "And congratulations."

Great drama here. I'd say this was the climax of the chapter... doncha agree? 
:)

Oh yeah... :D

Ranma remained immobile.  Nabiki, on the other hand, fainted dead away.

In the Nurse's Office

Usually, people simple put in '***' or some similar type of scene break 
thingy so that they could shift scenes and stuff, but using these things too much 
can be annoying to some people (though I couldn't fathom why). In any case, 
might I suggest a scene break instead of a comic bookish "In the Nurse's 
Office"/"In the Tendo Dojo"/"In whatever setting and time"/etc.

Normally I would.  However, since I'm also puting this up at fanfiction.net, 
which for some God-knows reason doesn't recognize the five asterisk breaker I 
use, I'm just doing things this way to save myself a headache.

He met her eyes with the same resentment she displayed, then went into a 
cuteness act.  "'Hey, Ranma, let's get married tomorrow! Tee hee!'"  

Cuteness 

dropped, he then glared fiercely at her before turning away.  "Cry me a 

river."

These statements are the things that make this fic so much like the Viz dub.

That, and "Curse those evil octopi."

Throng of angry Octopi: It's the squids that are evil, you uneducated, 
landwalking, backwater, bumpkins!  The SQUIDS!! [comedy ensue]

"Good idea."  She kicked her foot up, catching the bottom of the cup in his 
hands.  Water splashed up, drenching her "husband," and triggering the 

Jusenkyo 

curse.

The newly made girl sputtered.  "What the hell what that for?"

David Anderson: It's because Nabiki is evil. Naraku-evil.

:D

Nabiki said nothing, only slid off the table, picked up her bag and headed 
out the door, leaving a wet guy-turned-girl to fume at her back.

Suggest: Nabiki said nothing as she slid off the table, picked her bag and 
headed straight for the door, leaving a wet guy-turned-girl to fume at her back.

"Damn her," Ranma swore, then starting to get up.

Suggest: "Damn her," Ranma swore, then started to get up.

       "Damn her," Ranma swore as he started to get up.

       "Damn her," Ranma swore. He then started to get up.

"Ranchan?"

He froze in his spot, only his eyes daring to turn in the direction of the 
familiar (but secretly dreaded) voice.

Suggest: familiar but secretly dreaded voice. (no need for the parentheses)

He saw her standing in the doorway, 

wearing the same boy's uniform that she chose for attending Furinken High 

School, 

Suggest: wearing the same boy's uniform he chose for attending Furinkan High 
School, (again, it's 'Furinkan', and suggest getting rid of the extraneous 
'that')

The desperate tone of her voice grabbed his heart and wrenched it out of 
place, squeezing it tightly in its vise grip.

Zen: (snifflies) Zen likes. Poor Ukyo.

He couldn't find the strength to 

put Nabiki's plan into action.  "Y... yeah.  But I can explain--"

He never got the chance to get any further.  Ukyo's fist stuck him squarely 
in the jaw, ripping his lithe girl body off his feet.  He spiraled for a 
second, only to have his flight abruptly halted by the examination table.  

His body 

Ukyo fanboy: Boo! OOC! Akane's not beating Ranma within an inch of his life 
and Ukyo is? You got it mixed up, author!

:P

:D

folded over the top like it was a pile of soggy noodles, only to discover it 
couldn't stick to the surface like cooked pastry.  Expectantly, he slid off 

the 

table, and fell into a pile on the floor beside it, moaning painfully.

The last thing he could remember was seeing a miserable Ukyo barreling out 

of 

the office, her sobs lingering along with the only other thing she said.

"You Jackass...!"

Rabid manga fan: You'd rather replace "ahou" with "Jackass"? Ahou's shorter. 
Use that.

Again, eerily Viz-dub-like. It's not a bad thing, I just wanted to point it 
out. ^-^;

Heh... that's another thing I've been working on, reducing the sprinklings of 
Japanese words in my work for simplification's sake.

'She's going to pay for this.  I don't know how she knew what I was up to, 
but she's going to pay for this dearly...'

I dunno about you, but this is _at least_ the third time I've seen Kasumi 
one-up Nabiki in fanfiction. Looks like a fanon convention is born.

w00t! I just helped make a new fanon convention!

She looked at him, a twinkle of mischief in her eye. "That 'selfish bitch' 
isn't long enough a title for moi?"

He nearly tripped over himself.  "God, just forget I said that already!"

Nabiki chuckled.  "You're still so easy to tease, Ranma-baby."

What I particularly like about this fanfic is that it can go either way. It 
can hint on a Nabiki-Ranma relationship (Antvasima's skepticism over Nabiki's 
blackened and irredeemable soul be damned), and it's also realistic on just how 
small a chance a Nabiki-Ranma relationship has, delving into a more 
believable consequence for the pair-up... living hell. In any case, it's certainly not 
going in a one-sided, predictable course. Well done.

Thank you.  I try.

He sighed.  "You know good and well what I'm talking about."

"No.  How about you just tell me again?"

"...I said that I'll protect you, no matter what."

She smiled, taking great pleasure in dragging it out of him.  "Well, that's 
good to know."

Sighing, he responded off-handedly.  "Yeah, 'specially since you might be 
carrying my kid and stuff."

Saotome's mouth has fired off yet again. Hook, line, sinker. Angst ensues.

We hurt the ones we love... or at the least, the ones we got suckered into 
marrying.

"Nabiki Tendo... how dare you take what rightfully belongs to me," the girl 
known as Kodachi Kuno spoke to herself.  "And attempting to bind him to you 

for 

a long life of misery... I will not stand for it."  She glared at the last 
place she saw the object of her hatred.

"I will destroy you like the insignificant bug you are."

Ooh. Conflict. No complaints from me. ^-^

And more to come. :)

TBC 

Suggestions, comments, donations, etc.., you know where to send them...

Adrian Moten

Truly. :) Looking forward to seeing more of this.

Keep on writing.

Coolness.  Chapter 3's being written now.

Adrian Moten

"When officials pursue personal interest and thus oppress the common people, 
this above all is the beginning of the end for a nation."

-Yagyu Munenori, The Book of Family Traditions on the Art of War 

Art: http://goldenarms.deviantart.com/

Adrian Moten

"When officials pursue personal interest and thus oppress the common people, 
this above all is the beginning of the end for a nation."

-Yagyu Munenori, The Book of Family Traditions on the Art of War 

Art: http://goldenarms.deviantart.com/



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