Combining two posts into one for the reply.... Suggestions about which I have no
particular response snipped and appreciatively taken under advisement.

"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:

>From the 'Bet you didn't think you'd get anymore C+C on this' backlog...

Hey, I'll take what I can get. :)

Gary Kleppe wrote:

The phone rang.

I don't know. As an opening line, that isn't much of a hook, IMO.

Not really meant to be. I understand full well that readers are an impatient
lot, but I think most fanfiction readers will stick around for at least a
paragraph or two.

Zhen Guairen ignored the noise, preferring to remain floating

"preferring to remain floating" sounds awkward to me. Probably having to
'ing's so close together.

I'll think about rewording this.

"Good evening, sir. I'm calling to let you know how you can save up to
forty percent on your...."

Hmm. Bit too much of a build up for that punchline, IMO. Also a touch
predicitble. Maybe something like. "That's not problem. Even Evil Ones can
save up to forty percent..." or something that works the dialogue into the
telemarketers response.

Not sure if that would fit, but I'll think about it.

"Bah!" Zhen threw the receiver back onto its cradle, with such force

not sure you need that comma

Grammatically I think it works either way. It just sounded to me like there
ought to be a pause there.

that it shook the table on which it stood.

on which it stood feels unneccsary, sort of dragging the sentence out. Not
sure how to rewrite it, though.

My, I'm in an anal mood tonight. :)

Zhen's narration is meant to sound a bit overblown and self-important, because
that's the kind of guy he is. Maybe that's why it seems off to you. Or maybe I
just need to rewrite it.

As if on queue,

cue, I think. I'm pretty sure what you have is the British version of  a
line.

Oops, will fix.

the house trembled, as

again I think a stray comma.

Making me work for this one, aren't you?

"Did I not tell you to use the door?" He continued before Momotaru could
answer. "Were not my very words to you 'While I appreciate the value of
an assistant who is strong enough to smash through a wall with his bare
hands, nevertheless next time you are to use the door?'"

Is that a question.

Yes. "Were my..." is meant to be answered yes or no. Maybe the question mark
should've been outside the inner quote marks, though it looks kinda goofy that
way.

His own fault, he supposed, for
having forgotten who he was dealing with.

It was his own fault for having (shorter is better for this sentence, IMO)

It feels like you were off your literary game for the opening of this. It's
just awkward. The content is well enough, but style feels off.

Well, I am out of practice at this. :)  I'll take a fresh look at it and see
what can or should be done with it. I usually find that flow and style comes
better after the content's already there and I'm coming back after not having
looked at it for a while.

woman.

"I'll be fine here alone while the rest of you are out. I'm sure that
all that talk about a psychotic rapist-strangler at large is just a
rumor. Nothing bad will happen."

Kindaichi will nail his hide to the wall anyway.

Who?

Yes, I have been on a Kindaichi Files bent of late, why do you ask.

HIROSHI: It's like Rockford files, only without Rockford.

DAISUKE: No, idiot. It's the story of a clerk. [loud, dramatic voice] Tune in
for our next exciting episode, _File This Under M... for Murder!_

Ranma sighed. "Yeah, Pop, I know that. But martial arts train-spotting
is still a stupid idea."

And a bit flat of a joke. I recommend cutting it, myself.

Can't really, since it's important later on. Will try to see if I can punch it
up somehow.

"Eep. Me?" Genma's expression abruptly blanked out to match Soun's.

"Right." Ranma slipped

might want to mention Ranma was certain Akane was all right, though.

Good point.

"Please forgive Eipuriru," Kinnosuke said in his normal voice. "He's
been through some rather difficult times since we last met, and I'm
afraid it's changed him quite a bit. I've considered dismissing him, but
I don't have the heart, not when he's been my right-hand man for so
long."

Heh. That actually worked.

I actually wanted to do more with Ep, but couldn't think of anything that I
liked enough to include. Thought about having Kinnosuke do a
"Point-Counterpoint" with himself, but the idea didn't go anywhere.

Bit rough to start out, but it flowed better once there was more dialogue.

"I appreciate that." Lukkosai shook his hand, and Ranma wondered if that
last statement wouldn't go in the record books under dumbest things ever
said.

Agree

I dunno, that's up against some pretty strong competition....

Heh. Nice punchline there too

A bit long, but good enough to read once.

Many thanks for the comments!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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