"Nuki Mouse" <Nukmouse@bellatlantic.net> writes:
I've just read the first part of your new story "Hikari no Daija" and
like what I seen so far, but there are a few things/holes that I see in it.
1) The prologue starts too far into the story. It actually seems to be at
least the first chapter of your story, if not the second. There are too may
thing left unanswered.
Others have addressed this; to me, it feels a reasonable
divergence. People familiar with Ranma will probably recognize the divergence
point (it's a reasonably popular starting point for fics).
The only question is whom the audience is, the intersection of HP and
Ranma fans or the union. If the latter, some sort of author's notes
may be appropriate. However, my guess is that the gross effects of the
mushroom and story line are apparent by the second scene, and that's
sufficient to start the story.
And the _B_I_G_ unanswered question: How did _Ranma_ react to being turn
in to a kid again? It must have been like being cursed a second time. Not
just cursed, but cursed and locked into his new form as a 10 year old. Ranma
hated his first curse and hated it even more whenever he got locked into it,
why is he not more upset about this second one? How he feel when he changed?
How did he react to it?
I think the opening scene addresses this.
A much better explanation and way to end the engagement would be the
honor and reverence the Amazons give Magi, that they were immune to most
Amazon laws or customs. This does not mean that Ranma can't marry a muggle
Amazon like Shampoo, just that he can't be forced to. If _HE_ wanted to
marry Shampoo, he could but the decision/choice would be Ranma's, not
Shampoo, Cologne , or Amazon law. Cologne could even give a half-hearted
pitch to Ranma to convince him to marry Shampoo anyways, maybe offering him
some new technique, treasure or something. This would also let Shampoo
totally of the hook about failing to bring back Ranma as her husband, as a
Magi he was immune to the kiss of death/marriage to begin with.
I disagree that this is clearly better. It's a fairly common sort of
resolution in fanfics, but that actually works against its superiority
:-)