Well, I liked this.  (And they say you can't do anything new with the 
"Ranma's first
meeting with the Tendos" scene...  ;) )

It might be hard to keep this up, though.  I think it's the unexpected 
transformations
and juxtapositions that I like, and once they're all introduced, you'll need
something else to keep the narrative going.  So far, you just have a 
very interesting
setting; you don't have a plot.

gamlain wrote:

>from deep unconsciousness, wincing repeatedly as her hair, pinned under her 

unconscious self when she'd turned over in sleep

suggest "unconscious body"

	It had been entirely to close.

(sp) "too close"

	She prayed for a respite - hopeing that at least there would be no 
 

(sp) "hoping"

	And with that, Mina slipped out the door, the persona of Sailor Venus 
firmly in place as a blockade against fatigue, pain and heartache.  
 

Which raises in my mind the question as to where this is.  She's leaving 
her parents' house as
Sailor Venus?  Or is this another location?

	Tendou Kasumi rubbed tired eyes with the back of one ink stained hand 
and pondered the little postcard from a few different angles.
	It failed to give up it's secrets and also failed to simply disappear, 
 

(sp) "its" (the possessive, not the contraction of "it is")  Same thing 
in line below.  Also in line below,
"sisters" should have the possessive apostrophe at the end.

taking it's vague promises of more complications in her and her sisters 
already precarious life.  In those two failures, it was already quite 
un-helpful; That it's content was so brief took it nearly to the level of an 
 

Subclauses separated from previous parts of a sentence are not capitalized.

aggravation.
'Tendou, bringing Ranma from China.' It read. It was signed, 'Genma'
	She could construe little from this mystery item. That it might have 
been addressed to her father seemed likely, but if so, this 'Genma' was sorely 
out of touch. Of course, coming from the particular province of China that the 
card did, that was entirely likely.
 

I like the understated sense of humor on display here, btw.

Saotome Ranma was not, at that moment, being chased down the street by a 
aggravated panda and shouting that (currently she) would be returning to China.
	Perhaps she might have been, had the city been different, but pops and 
his (at the time) return to Tokyo had been creeping both of them out from the 
moment they set foot off the docks.   
	It was too quiet, as if the pedestrians bearly dared whisper, and there 
 

(sp) "barely"

were armed police in far to many places: More than there were in Communist China 
 

"too"

	Then had come the rain, and their change from man and boy to panda and 
girl - and suddenly the streets packed with silent people streets became 
abandoned wherever they went, hundreds-  thousands - of Japanese falling 
 

extra "streets" two lines above

	Genma believed that they had been caught up to by the Amazon peoples 
they had offended, and was making for his old friends Dojo with all the panicked 
 

"old friend's dojo"

	Across on the other side of the street another warrior also followed 
along. It was difficult to tell just whom, in the wall of water at rooftop 
height -Mano Yohko, she thought, or maybe Ayoko. There was another flitting 
ahead of them - too fast to be identified, which narrowed the field to about
five or ten people.
 

That number seems too low if you're using the entire cast of X/1999 as 
well as as Sailor Moon.

	The Temple number was busy, of course, and the Kuno Estate number, 
 

Temple?  In Nerima?  I'm not recognizing this...

said! They're headed for your neighborhood, so be on the lookout!"
 

Minor nit:  Nerima is actually pretty big; heading towards it from 
Minato-ku is not at
all the same as heading for Kasumi's neighborhood.

	'Enlightened Warrior Arts. Demon Slaying Kenjitsu. Unrestricted 
Grappling. Training by special appointment only. Tendou Akane, Sensei.' Was 
added, and a line of messier, bright red Kanji below that read, 'No 
Trespassing. Violators may be shot, impaled or invited in for tea.' 
 

Heh.  So Akane and Nabiki are violent; it's just Kasumi who's really a 
very nice girl.

	The rain was coming down more gently now, as if the heavens were 
perversely slacking off now that the chase was over and all concerned could be 
under cover.  Ayoko Mano thought it likely to be the case - her experience with 
 

btw, isn't it "Ayako"? (going solely by memory)

the various celestial governors left her with no particular trust in the innate 
goodness of the ones who controlled the weather.
	So, instead of calling down curses on their heads for inconvienceing 
 

"inconveniencing"

	"Under the balcony, Jupiter-san! I'm soaked." A moment later the green 
and white uniform of Sailor Jupiter - occupied, of course, by the rest of her - 
 

;)  "well-filled, of course, by the rest of her"  or possibly "filled to 
overflowing by the rest of her"

	Ayoko saluted her friend and did just that without another word.  Few 
of the guardians said goodbye, a practice that amounted to an unspoken invitation 
to survive to meet each other again.
 

They could say "Catch you later" or some such.

	Something in her manner of doing so set off subtle alarm bells in 
Ranma's head - there had been too much tension, too much waiting action 
in her stride. 	
	Tendou Kasumi hadn't liked turning her back to him and pops one bit, 
 

"Pops" should be capitalized here, as it's a name.

half-passed for a second skin, and wearing a teashirt with some obnoxious 
 

"teeshirt" or "t-shirt"

	None of that made Ranma as nervous as the guns the unknown girl had 
 

Rally Vincent, apparently.  ;)

receiving end of that look was weird - this girl could do more with a minute 
change of expression then all of the Saotome school insults combined - and he 
 

I like that "Saotome school insults".  I've read fanfics which treated 
Ranma's insults as a
conscious tactic on his part, but I don't recall reading any before 
which treated the
technique as a formal part of the school.

	By the time that chore was more or less accomplished, Motoki had 
produced a hot cup of something that might have a coffee base, but probably had 
more calories than fruitcake - a Mina special, as the menu now had it.  It 
consisted of expresso shots, cream, honey, cinnamon, ginger, and hot peppers, 
mostly, and was absurdly popular as a sipped drink for various late night types 
 

Heh.  I like that description.  Cafe de Oyo y Mole Poblano?  Though that 
wouldn't
give you the ginger.  Anyway, sounds like something I'd order at least once.

	Then Ami whapped Mina (gently) across the ears and shook her head, 
asking, "Minako-baka - what are you doing up? Natsuna-san called and told 
me you were at the precinct house this afternoon at two o'Clock."
	"That's only four hours of sleep, Mina, and you almost died yesterday -  
you should be in a hospital bed, not running around planing police actions all 
day. Mina, no - you aren't okay, don't say that.  You're hurt and exhausted 
and strung out and probably malnourished and I don't know what else." 
 

Might consider compressing those two paragraphs into one.  As written,
you technically shouldn't have the ending quote on the first, since the
same speaker is continuing in the second.

	Love, after all, was her element.   Fickle, difficult to use as a 
weapon - in truth, her power within her element rivaled Saturn's, but her 
powers were not so readily turned to destruction. 
 

Not sure what to make of this.  Combined with Usagi's absence from the 
narrative,
you might be establishing an alterverse without her here, or with Usagi
combined into Minako.  Minako claims love as an attribute, but in canon I'm
not aware of any reason to think that it IS.  And in canon, there's no 
way her
power rivals Saturn's.

now. As a Sorceress bound in service to another, I cannot hold such an honor. 
 

Who, I wonder?  Sakura, or another (Hitomi?)

"As our father, he would not loose.  No mortal, with only the Art, can slay a 
 

"lose"

	Xian Pu looked down the side of the mountain she had finally 
 

FYI,  it's "Shan Pu":  mountain coral.  The actual characters are given 
in the later manga.

	The Archmage of Tokyo stood atop Tokyo Tower and waited.  Cloaked 
and hooded, face hidden from the world a barrier of cloth expertly sewn and 
enchanted to keep out the elements and more and cloaked again in power so 
strong that the feel of it was a tangible thing even to those who had no 
magic at all, she presented a picture of majesty and power, a splendid and 
terrible enchantment.
 

Well, if you ignore how short she is.  ;)

and on the whole, they preferred that Kinomoto Sakura with all her not quite 
fifteen year old faults to Shirow Kamui, as Archmage.
 

Can't blame them; I agree.

	Youtouji Satsuki on the other hand was all to easy to read: The head 
of the steel dream circle, of those who did magic with machines and computers 
and ideas - was impatient. 

Doesn't sound like a description of the Dragons of Earth, so I suppose
the other six are in Kamui's circle, and Satsuki's other members presumably
include Lain.  Most similarly-powered characters I can readily think of 
aren't
present-day characters, though, so I don't see how this circle can be full
(Radical Edward, Lumiere).

	There were two more members of the council, and they appeared as was 
their favored method - Kanzaki Hitomi in a pillar of blue light, standing for - 
and keeping watch on -the mortal mages who clamed no membership in a circle.  
 

Wouldn't have thought Hitomi powerful enough for this.  I guess
she's had some augmentation as well.




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